SERENITY

I ARRIVED AT THE HOSPICE TODAY AT 5:30 AM. I WALKED TO ROOM 506, OPENED THE DOOR, AND THERE SLEPT A QUIET AND COMFORTED BOBBIE JO. HER MARTIN WAS THERE, PROPPED UP IN A CHAIR, HOLDING HER HAND AND SOUND ASLEEP. IT TORE AT MY HEART TO SEE HIM LIKE THAT- HE IS TAKING EVERY SECOND HE CAN WITH HER. HE WOKE UP AND HAD TO GO TO WORK, SO I TOLD HIM NOT TO WORRY, I WOULD BE THERE WITH HER. DAD WAS WITH ME, SO I TOOK A MOMENT TO REST MY EYES ON THE EMPTY BED, AND WOKE AN HOUR LATER TO DAD TELLING ME HE HAD TO GO TO WORK. I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD FALLEN ASLEEP. THE ROOM IS LIKE A LOVELY BEDROOM. THERE IS A WINDOW THAT LOOKS OUT ONTO A GREEN YARD WITH FLOWERS AND A TREE. THE GRASS IS SO GREEN AND THERE IS A LITTLE WINDCHIME. THE WINDOW IS LARGE AND IT SEEMED LIKE SPRING TODAY, SO I OPENED THE WINDOW AND LET THE BREEZE COME IN. I THOUGHT "HOW CAN ANYTHING BE WRONG ON A DAY LIKE TODAY?" BUT THERE IS PLENTY WRONG, AND I CAME BACK TO REALITY. THE STAFF IS SO KIND. EACH MEMBER OF THE HOSPICE TEAM CAME BY TO MEET US AND EXPLAIN THE ROLE OF HOSPICE. THEY TOOK LOTS OF TIME AND I AM VERY CONFIDENT THAT BOBBIE JO IS IN THE BEST POSSIBLE HANDS. DID I TELL YOU THAT THE OTHER DAY, I WAS IN THE TRUCK, CRYING MY EYES OUT, AND ASKING FATHER TO TAKE HER HOME? WHEN I THOUGHT OF HER POOR RAVAGED FACE, HER ENORMOUS SWOLLEN BODY, AND THE OTHER THINGS SHE IS GOING THROUGH, I JUST BROKE DOWN AND WEPT WITH ABANDON. SUDDENLY, A THOUGHT STRONGLY OCCURRED TO ME- THE THOUGHT WAS, "YOU DON'T KNOW HOW OR IF SHE IS SUFFERING. YOU ARE CERTAINLY SUFFERING MORE THAN SHE, AS YOU HAVE BUILT UP HER MISERY IN YOUR MIND. SHE IS HOPEFUL OF A CURE- YOU ARE DETERMINED THAT SHE IS GONE ALREADY. SHE WILL COME HOME TO ME, BUT IN MY OWN TIME. YOU THINK SHE IS IN GREAT PAIN, BUT SHE SAYS SHE IS NOT- WHY DON'T YOU BELIEVE HER? CAN I NOT GIVE HER THE GIFT OF A VERY LIMITED PAIN EXPERIENCE? YOU SHOULD CONCENTRATE ON PRAYING FOR HER TO HAVE COURAGE. DON'T LET YOUR MIND TAKE YOU TO PLACES THAT DON'T EXIST. I AM WITH HER." AND SO, WITH THIS GENTLE CHASTISEMENT IN MIND, I CAN MORE EASILY CONTINUE TO WALK WITH HER THROUGH THIS EXPERIENCE. WE HAVE A DEEP BOND. WE DON'T NEED TO SPEAK, JUST TO BE. I SIT AND HOLD HER HAND WHILE SHE IS SLEEPING, OR TRYING TO WAKE UP. WE HAVE BONDED INTO SPIRITS THAT WILL ETERNALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT WE ARE MADE OF. I HAVE LEARNED FROM HER. I DID NOT KNOW THAT SHE COULD DO THIS WITHOUT WALLOWING IN SELF PITY. THE LOVE THAT HER MARTIN BESTOWS UPON HER IS THE CATALYST THAT KEEPS HER STRONG. THE THREE OF US, MARTIN, BOBBIE JO AND ME SEEM TO BE ONE IN THE FIGHT. WHAT AN HONOR IT IS TO BE TRUSTED WITH SUCH A TRIAL. I HAVE GROWN EXPONENTIALLY THESE LAST TWO MONTHS, I AM YET AGAIN A DIFFERENT WOMAN THAN I WAS. I WILL USE THIS HARD EARNED KNOWLEGE TO SERVE FATHER IN HEAVEN. I WILL RELY ON THIS STRENGTH WHEN I HAVE TO LAY MY CHILD IN THE GROUND. SHE WILL EXPECT NO LESS OF ME. LOVE, NANASEE