DETERMINATION

BOBBIE JO IS DETERMINED TO GET WELL. SHE HAS NO IDEA THAT HER BODY HAS BETRAYED HER. TONIGHT, AS I WATCHED MARTIN DRESS HER BULGING EYE AND BLACKENED FACE, SHE LOOKED AT ME AND SAID, "SEE MOM, I AM GETTING BETTER!" INDEED YOU WOULD THINK SHE IS- SHE WAS CHATTING AND WE WERE ENJOYING EACH OTHER 'S COMPANY. OVER AND OVER SHE REASSURED ME THAT SHE WAS IMPROVING- ALL THE WHILE, HER HEART RACING AT 130 BEATS PER MINUTE AND RUNNING A FEVER OF 101.9. THESE ARE SIGNS OF A MAJOR INFECTION, AND WE WERE WARNED THAT AN INFECTION WOULD TAKE HER LIFE. TO HER, THESE THINGS MEAN NOTHING, SHE IS GOING TO GET WELL NO MATTER WHAT. SHE IS BLIND IN HER DAMAGED EYE, BUT SHE ASSURES ME THAT IT IS JUST "A LITTLE BLURRY" AND THE MEDICINE WE ARE USING IS CAUSING THAT. WHEN MARTIN CHANGED THE BANDAGE ON HER FACE, MY KNEES ALMOST BUCKLED, AND I DREW ON SOME SOURCE OF STRENGTH TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE. MY HEAD WAS SWIMMING AS WELL, BUT AGAIN SOMEHOW I GOT THAT UNDER CONTROL- I FEEL SUCH A SENSE OF HORROR THAT SHE IS GOING THROUGH THIS, AND SHE JUST GOES ON TELLING ME "EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT." I KNOW HER TIME IS SHORT, I WANT TO SPEND AS MUCH TIME AS I CAN WITH HER. I AM A COWARD HOWEVER, I AM IN CONSTANT FEAR THAT I WILL BE THE ONE THERE WITH HER WHEN SHE DRAWS HER LAST BREATH. I WANT TO TELL HER TO GO ON HOME, BUT THAT WOULD ONLY MAKE HER ANGRY. SHE HAD A GREAT VISIT WITH JAYBIRD TODAY, I AM SO GLAD. SHE SAID THEY REALLY HAD A GOOD TIME. SHE TALKS OF THE TIME SHE WILL GET OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND GO TO HIS BASEBALL GAMES. SHE IS LOOKING TO THE FUTURE. THIS IS THE HARDEST PART FOR ME. TRYING TO BE ENCOURAGING TO HER, ALL THE WHILE I FEEL THAT I AM LYING TO HER. SHAME ON ME, I SHOULD JUST BE A CHEERLEADER AND QUIT BEING AN EEYORE. TILL TOMORROW, LOVE, NANASEE