ANOTHER SUNDAY

IT IS SUNDAY TODAY. BECKY AND I WENT TO THE HOSPITAL TO PICK UP DAD AFTER HE HAD SPENT THE NIGHT UP WITH BOBBIE JO. SHE HAD A TERRIBLE NIGHT- SO MUCH PAIN AND DISCOMFORT. NO ONE GOT ANY SLEEP. I MADE DAD COME HOME AND GO TO BED, AND AARON AND SARAH HAVE GONE UP THERE NOW. THE CHEMO HAS NOT WORKED. THERE WILL BE NO MORE CHEMO. WE ARE VERY DISTRAUGHT. THE FUTURE IS VERY UNCERTAIN FOR BOBBIE JO- BUT SHE IS HOLDING ON AND KEEPS SAYING THAT SHE WILL WALK OUT OF THAT HOSPITAL. WHEN THE DOCTOR TOLD US THIS, I FELT LIKE A KNIFE WAS PLUNGED INTO MY HEART. I HELD MYSELF TOGETHER UNTIL WE WERE ON THE ELEVATOR, AND THEN ASKED DAD AND BECKY TO TALK TO ME ABOUT IT. DAD SAID, "NO, WAIT TILL WE GET TO THE TRUCK". FOR SOME REASON, THAT INFURIATED ME AND WHEN HE WALKED OFF, I JUST EXPLODED. I REARED BACK AND KICKED THE HELL OUT OF THE NEAREST TRASHCAN. EVERYONE IN THE AREA JUMPED BACK. I AM A WUSS I GUESS, BECAUSE I DIDN'T EVEN DENT THE TRASH CAN. I ALL BUT RAN TO THE PARKING GARAGE, FUMED ALL THE WAY UP THE ELEVATOR, AND CHARGED OVER TO THE TRUCK. I WAITED UNTIL MARTIN (DAD) AND BECKY GOT INTO THE TRUCK AND STARTED IN ON HIM. "I AM TIRED OF YOU NOT LISTENING TO ME! I AM A GROWN ADULT WITH MEDICAL KNOWLEGE. THAT IS MY BABY UP THERE! MY BABY! YOU ARE JUST A SPERM DONOR, YOU HAD A PARTY AND I HAD A BABY BECAUSE OF IT! I GAVE BIRTH TO HER, NURSED HER, DID ALL THE STUFF THAT ONLY A WOMAN CAN DO! YOU GOT TO PLAY, I GOT TO WORK. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I FEEL, HOW I FEEL, HOW I WISH IT WERE ME INSTEAD OF HER. DON'T EVER NEGATE MY FEELINGS!" THE WHOLE TIME, I AM BANGING ON THE ARM REST IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TRUCK. FINALLY, I SCREAMED AS LOUD AS I COULD, AND THAT DID NOT HELP. POOR MARTIN TOOK IT ALL IN STRIDE, HE IS SO STRONG. POOR BECKY JUST SAT IN THE BACK AS FAR AS SHE COULD GET AWAY FROM ME, MAKING SURE HER DOOR WAS UNLOCKED! AFTER ALL OF THIS, MARTIN JUST TOOK ME IN HIS ARMS AND TOLD ME TO JUST GET IT OUT. I CRIED FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES, EACH TIME I REMEMBERED HER SWOLLEN BELLY AND DAMAGED FACE, JUST CRIED HARDER. SO, NOW I AM GOING TO MAKE PLANS. PLANS TO BRING HER HOME. I DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN NOW, I WILL TAKE EACH DAY AT A TIME. WE DID GO AND GET JAYBIRD AND TAKE HIM TO LUNCH. IT WAS ALL SO NORMAL. SO NORMAL. NOW, I AM GOING TO TAKE A NAP, PLAY SCRABBLE WITH MY SON WHEN HE GETS HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL, AND CLEAN THIS APARTMENT. TOMORROW, I WILL GO BACK TO THE HOSPITAL, TAKE CARE OF BOBBIE JO, AND LIVE FOR THE MOMENT. HOW CAN I DO ANYTHING ELSE? LOVE, NANASEE