A NEW DIRECTION

WELL, I AM SO EXCITED! I REALIZED TODAY THAT YET ANOTHER MIRACLE HAS COME FROM BOBBIE JO'S EXPERIENCE. THE MAIN REASON THAT I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO HANDLE THIS HORRENDOUS LOSS, IS BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO WRITE ABOUT IT AND OTHER THINGS THAT ARE IMPORTANT TO ME. AND----I DISCOVERED THAT I LOVE TO WRITE! MOST EXPECIALLY, NARCISIST THAT I AM, I LOVE TO HEAR HOW MY DEAR READERS LIKE READING WHAT I WRITE! SO, BECAUSE OF THE LOVE AND ATTENTION I HAVE RECEIVED FROM ALL OF YOU, I AM ABLE TO MOVE ALONG WITH MY LIFE IN A POSITIVE WAY. FROM NOW ON, I WILL WRITE OF MY MEMORIES THAT ARE HUMOROUS TO ME, AND HOPE TO BRING HUMOR TO YOU AS WELL. FOR SOME REASON, I HAVE HAD MANY INCIDENTS IN MY LIFE THAT SHOULD HAVE CAUSED GREAT PAIN AND EMBARRASSMENT, BUT I FOUND AT AN EARLY AGE TO SEE THE HUMOR IN A SITUATION AND LAUGH ABOUT IT. NOW, YOU CAN ONLY DO THIS IF YOU ARE ABOVE CARING ABOUT THE JUDGEMENT OF OTHERS, AND SINCE I HAVE REACHED THE GREAT AGE OF ALMOST 55, WELL, I GUESS IF OTHERS FIND JOY IN JUDGING ME, THEN, THAT WILL BE A GIFT TO THEM. TO THE REST OF YOU, I HOPE I CAN EXPRESS THOSE MEMORIES SO YOU WILL ENJOY THEM AS MUCH AS I DO.
I LEFT YOU YESTERDAY WITH THE CONUNDRUM OF HAVING TO TELL MARTIN THAT I WAS IN LOVE WITH HIM. I WAS ONLY 17 AT THE TIME, AND VERY WORRIED THAT HE WOULD NOT LOVE ME AS MUCH AS I LOVED HIM. YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT IN MY LIFE, COMMITMENT WAS NOT A GREATLY LEARNED TRAIT. MY PARENTS DID NOT STAY TOGETHER, AT ONE POINT IN MY YOUNG LIFE WE WERE PLACED INTO A CHILDREN'S HOME,(MORE ABOUT THAT LATER) AND OUT OF SURVIVAL, I HAD TO LEARN NOT TO COMMIT TO ANYTHING AS YOU JUST SEEM TO LOSE IT ANYWAY. ONE THING VERY DEAR AND PRECIOUS TO ME, WAS THE LOVE OF MY GRANDPARENTS. I ALWAYS KNEW THAT THEY LOVED ME AND I WAS SPECIAL TO THEM AND I LEARNED SO MUCH FROM THEM. I WILL LATER TELL YOU OF HOW AND WHY I WAS DISTANCED FROM MY DEAR GRANDPARENTS, BUT THAT IS ANOTHER STORY. ANYWAY, I HAD A GREAT FEAR OF ABANDONMENT, AND I DID NOT KNOW IF I COULD STAND LOSING MARTIN. I FELT THAT IT WOULD BE BETTER TO JUST HANG AROUND TOGETHER INSTEAD OF COMMITTING, IF THAT COMMITMENT WOULD CAUSE ME TO LOSE HIM. SO, I FRETTED ABOUT IT THE WHOLE DAY OF EASTER SUNDAY , 1972. WE HAD A LOVELY DAY, AND THEN I WAS MONDAY. MARTIN CAME OVER AND WE WENT TO DINNER AND HE WAS VERY NERVOUS. I BECAME ANXIOUS TOO, BECAUSE I BEGAN TO IMAGINE THAT HE WAS THINKING OF A WAY TO BREAK UP WITH ME. (WHY DO WE DO THIS TO OURSELVES?) AFTER DINNER, WE WENT BACK TO MY DRIVEWAY, AND JUST SAT THERE. I BECAME OVERWHELMED WITH THE NEED TO TELL HIM HOW I FELT. I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO END OUR BEAUTIFUL RELATIONSHIP, AND I TRULY FEARED THAT BEING HONEST WITH HIM ABOUT MY LOVE WOULD DO JUST THAT. HE SAT IN THE CAR IN STONY SILENCE. I STARED STRAIGHT AHEAD. SERIOUSLY, FINALLY AFTER ALMOST AN HOUR, I GOT MY COURAGE TOGETHER AND SAID, "I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING. I AM WORRIED ABOUT TELLING YOU THIS BECAUSE I AM AFRAID YOU WON'T UNDERSTAND. " I BEGAN TO STAMMER, AND FINALLY SAID, "NEVER MIND, YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYWAY." "WHAT DON'T I WANT TO HEAR?" HE SAID, "LET ME BE THE JUDGE OF THAT!" SO, I HEMMEND AND HAWED FOR ANOTHER LONG WHILE, TRYING TO FIND THE WORDS AND FINALLY, WITH EVERY DROP OF COURAGE AND GUTS I COULD FIND, I TOOK HIS HAND AND SAID, "MARTIN, I HAVE GREAT FEELINGS FOR YOU. IN FACT, I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU." THEN RUSHING ON, I SAID,"I KNOW I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO OFFER YOU, AND I KNOW THAT I AM NOT THE KIND OF GIRL YOU WANT IN YOUR LIFE, BUT I CAN'T HELP HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU. I UNDERSTAND IF YOU WANT TO END IT, PLEASE DON'T SPARE MY FEELINGS. I COULD NOT STAND IT IF YOU JUST WENT ON WITH US OUT OF PITY- I AM SORRY IF THIS IS DIFFICULT FOR YOU BUT I JUST HAD TO TELL YOU HOW I FEEL!" TEARS WERE STREAMING DOWN MY CHEEKS THAT WERE RED WITH SHAME AND EMBARRASSMENT. MARTIN SAID NOTHING, AND I FINALLY BRAVED A LOOK AT HIM. TO MY UTTER ASTONISHMENT, HE WAS CRYING! BIG SILENT TEARS, DRIPPING OFF HIS CHIN! HIS HEAD WAS DOWN, AND HE WAS ABSOLUTELY STILL. I CRIED TO HIM, "DON'T CRY! IT IS OKAY! I NEVER MEANT TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD! I'LL JUST GET OUT AND WELL, I AM SORRY! I AM SO SORRY! PLEASE DON'T CRY!" AS I TURNED TO OPEN THE CAR DOOR, HE GRABBED MY ARM IN A STEELY GRIP. "NO! DON'T GO!" HE WHISPERED WITH SUCH PASSION. "OH, GOD, PLEASE DON'T GO!" I STOPPED AND WHIPPED AROUND TO LOOK AT HIM- THOSE LOVELY GREEN EYES SHIMMERING WITH THOSE TEARS, AND MY HEART JUST BURST! BUT BEFORE I COULD BEGIN TO RAMBLE AGAIN, HE SAID, "FOR JUST ONCE, CAN'T YOU SHUT UP? JUST BE QUIET!" AND HE GAVE ME LITTLE SHAKE. THEN, THOSE LONG ARMS REACHED OUT AND TOOK ME IN A CRUSHING EMBRANCE. "I AM CRYING BECAUSE I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT YOU WOULD CARE FOR ME. I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO BREAK UP WITH ME. YOU HAVE BEEN ACTING FUNNY SINCE YESTERDAY AT CHURCH, AND I DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO THINK. I COULD NOT STAND THE THOUGHT OF LOSING YOU AND I DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. YOU ARE ALL I HAVE EVER WANTED, EVER. THE FIRST TIME I SAW YOU IN THOSE TIGHT WHITE JEANS, I FELL FOREVER IN LOVE. I HAVE BEEN THROUGH HELL THINKING THAT YOU WOULD NOT STAY IN MY LIFE. HOW COULD I HAVE FOUND SOMEONE AS PRECIOUS AS YOU? AND NOW YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME? OH, I CANNOT BELIEVE IT! I LOVE YOU TOO AND DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU! YOU STARTED THIS, AND NOW I AM GOING TO FINISH IT. WE ARE GOING TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER. THAT'S IT. I DON'T BELIEVE THAT TWO PEOPLE WHO LOVE EACH OTHER SHOULD NOT FIGHT FOR THAT LOVE. SO, NO MATTER WHAT, I AM YOURS AND YOU ARE MINE!" AND THEN, HE KISSED ME, AND UNDER HIS BREATH, I HEARD HIM WHISPER, "THANK YOU GOD, THANK YOU". COULD THIS BE REAL? WAS IT POSSIBLE? DID SOMEONE LIKE ME EVER GET SUCH A CHANCE? WE HAD NOTHING BETWEEN US AS FAR AS MATERIAL POSSESSIONS- NO FORMAL EDUCATION, NOTHING TO MAKE SURE A MATURE RELATIONSHIP WOULD WORK, BUT WE HAD THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, WE LOVED EACH OTHER. SO THERE I WAS, A 17 YEAR OLD KID, WORKING MY WAY THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL, AND HAD JUST COMMITTED MYSELF TO FOREVER. I COULD NOT LOOK AT THE FUTURE, I DID NOT CARE. I ONLY HAD THE NOW, AND THAT WAS ENOUGH. TO MY SURPRISE, I SAW THAT WE HAD BEEN SITTING IN THE DRIVEWAY FOR OVER 2 HOURS.. AND THEN I REALIZED THAT I HAD JUST SPENT THE FIRST 2 HOURS OF MY FOREVER. I HAD NEVER BEFORE BEEN SO VERY HAPPY- I HAD NO MORE FEAR, NO MORE LOSS, NO MORE PAIN. I HAD MARTIN. LOVE, NANASEE