GOIN' TO FIND MY MAN!

A MONTH PASSED BY DURING WHICH MARTIN ENDURED BASIC TRAINING. I, OF COURSE, WAS A WRECK, WORRYING AND WAITING FOR THE TIME TO COME WHEN I COULD GO AND SEE HIM. FINALLY, FAMILY DAY CAME. I DECIDED THAT I WAS GOING TO SEE HIM, AND THAT WAS THAT. I SEWED A NEW WARDROBE, (WELL, REALLY JUST SOME A COUPLE OF PANTS AND TOPS) AND GOT ON THE BUS FOR LOUISVILLE. THEN A BUS TRANSFER TO FORT KNOX. I WAS SO EXCITED, I WAS GOING TO SEE MY HONEY AGAIN. I HAD TO GO TO THE OFFICE AND SIGN IN, AND WAIT SOME MORE. THEN, BEHIND ME I HEARD, "HEY BABY! I'M SO GLAD YOU ARE HERE!" I WHIPPED AROUND AND ALMOST FAINTED. THERE BEFORE ME STOOD A 6 FT 5 INCH BALD SKELETON! I WAS LIKE, "WHAT THE JIMENY CRICKET HAPPENED TO YOU?!!!" THE ONLY THING THAT HAD NOT CHANGED WAS THOSE BEAUTIFUL GREEN EYES, AND THEY WERE SHINING WITH LOVE AND HAPPINESS. HE TRIED TO KISS ME HELLO, AND I SWEAR ALL I COULD FEEL WERE RIB BONES. "OH,MY GOSH, HONEY," I SAID, "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ARE SO THIN. AND WHERE IS YOUR HAIR?" HE TOLD ME THAT THEY ONLY HAD A FEW MINUTES TO EAT WHEN IT WAS MEAL TIME, AND MOST OF THE TIME HE WOULD JUST GRAB A BOILED EGG AND RUN WITH IT. NOW, IF YOU THINK I AM KIDDING, THIS POOR BOY ONLY WEIGHED 170 POUNDS AT THIS TIME. (HE WEIGHS 270 NOW). I FELT LIKE AN ABSOLUTE PORKER NEXT TO HIM. HE BEGAN TELLING ME HOW HORRIBLE BASIC WAS AND HOW MISERABLE HE WAS. REALIZING THAT HE NEEDED SOME REASSURANCE OVER THE SHOCK OF HIS APPEARANCE, I GOT A GRIP AND BEGAN TO TELL HIM HOW MUCH I HAD MISSED HIM AND HOW MUCH I LOVED HIM. WE WENT TO THE LUNCH THAT THEY HAD SET OUT FOR THE FAMILIES. I ACTUALL GOT A PIECE OF PIE??? I THINK, BUT ACTUALLY IT WAS GREEN JELLO WITH COTTAGE CHEESE IN IT. I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT ELSE THERE WAS, I WAS HYPNOTIZED BY THE COTTAGE GREEN JELLO PIE. AFTER THE MEAL, WE WENT FOR A WALK. WE HAD A ROMANTIC AFTERNOON, SITTING UNDER A TREE, LEANING ON THE TRUNK. WHEN IT WAS TIME TO GO, HE WAS ABLE TO FIND A RESERVATION IN THE "ARMY INN" MEANING A TENT THAT WAS SET UP FOR THE FAMILY MEMBERS WHO WERE SPENDING THE WEEKEND. WE WERE STROLLING TO THE "COZY QUARTERS" WHEN HE SAID, "HEY HONEY, YOU HAVE A STRING HANGING HERE". HE THEN PULLED SAID STRING, AND I FELT A FUNNY FEELING. LIKE SOMETHING RUNNING UP THE CENTER OF MY BACKSIDE. IT WAS A FUNNY FEELING ALRIGHT, THE ENTIRE SEAM OF MY PANTS CAME OUT WITH THAT HANGING THREAD! SUDDENLY, I FELT COOL AIR WHERE ONE SHOULD NOT FEEL COOL AIR UNLESS THEY ARE SWIMMING OR SOMETHING. MARTIN STARTED HOOTING AND LAUGHING, AND SAID, "HEY BABE, I GUESS YOU MADE THOSE PANTS DIDN'T YOU?" I SAID, "SHUT UP AND WALK BEHIND ME! OR GIVE ME YOUR SHIRT, ANYTHING, JUST SHUT UP!" FIRST, I WAS FUMING, THEN IT HIT ME AS TO HOW FUNNY THE MOMENT WAS. I STARTED LAUGHING, I COULDN'T DO ANYTHING ELSE, BECAUSE AS ANYONE FROM THE 70'S KNOWS, THOSE PANTS WERE TIGHT TO BEGIN WITH AND I DID NOT HAVE A PRAYER OF HOLDING THEM TOGETHER. WE FINALLY GOT TO THE TENT, AND THERE WAS AN ARMY COT FOR US TO SLEEP ON. (ARE YOU KIDDING?) YUP,ONE PILLOW AND A SINGLE ARMY COT. I GUESS THE ARMY WAS NOT CONDUCTIVE TO ROMANCE. FUNNY THING IS THOUGH, WE BOTH FIT! (I COULDN'T GET HALF OF ME ON AN ARMY COT NOW). WE FELL ASLEEP, WHISPERING SWEET NOTHINGS AND HAVING LITTLE SMOOCHIES. ABOUT 2 AM, I AWOKE WITH A STRANGE FEELING ON MY BACK. AT FIRST, I THOUGHT THAT MAYBE THE ROUGH ARMY BLANKET HAD RUBBED MY BACK KIND OF SORE, BUT, I COULDN'T GET COMFORTABLE AND SO I HAD TO WAKE MARTIN UP. HE SAT UP, LOOKED AT MY BACK, (LOWER BACK OF COURSE, WE WORE SUPER LOW HIP HUGGERS IN THOSE DAYS) AND WHISTLED. "GOSH BABE, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR BACK? IT LOOKS ALL RED AND BLISTERED". LOOKING CLOSER, HE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IF I DIDN'T KNOW BETTER, I'D SWEAR THAT YOU HAD A BAD CASE OF POISON IVY!" SURE ENOUGH, THE NEXT MORNING WE WALKED BACK TO THE ROMANCE TREE THAT WE HAD SAT UNDER ALL AFTERNOON AND SAW THAT IT WAS COVERED WITH A HUGE AMOUNT OF POISON IVY VINES! THIS RASH WAS ALL OVER THE LOWER PART OF MY BACK AND WAS SPREADING QUICKLY TO MY NETHER REGIONS. SO MUCH FOR A ROMANTIC WEEKEND. I COULDN'T EVEN BUTTON MY PANTS THAT WERE NOT SPLIT, BECAUSE IT WOULD CAUSE INTENSE ITCHING ON MY BACK. I WAS MISERABLE, AND HAD TO WEAR AN ARMY SHIRT THAT WAS LONG ENOUGH TO COVER THE REGION. SO, SATURDAY BEGAN. (I FORGOT TO TELL YOU IT WAS A THREE DAY WEEKEND). BESIDES MY HORRIBLY ITCHING BACK, MY POOR HEART WAS BREAKING BECAUSE I KNEW THAT I ONLY HAD ONE MORE DAY WITH MARTIN. THEN, OUT OF THE BLUE, I GOT A BRILLIANT IDEA! (REMEMBER, IT IS ME WE ARE TALKING ABOUT HERE, AND GUARANTEE THAT MOST OF MY IDEAS WERE NOT SO BRILLIANT). ANYWAY, I GOT THE IDEA THAT IF I COULD GET A JOB, I COULD STAY IN LOUISVILLE AND SEE MARTIN ON THE WEEKENDS! SO, LONG STORY SHORT, I WAS ABLE TO FIND A JOB AS A NANNY THAT VERY DAY. ON SUNDAY, MARTIN RODE WITH ME TO LOUISVILLE TO MY NEW JOB. I DID NOT KNOW THESE PEOPLE, BUT AGAIN, I HAD MORE LUCK THAN SENSE, AND I TOOK THE JOB. AFTER MEETING THE FAMILY, MARTIN FELT THAT I WOULD BE OKAY, AND IT WAS TIME FOR HIM TO GO BACK. HE HAD TO TAKE THE BUS TO FT KNOX, AND I STOOD WEEPING AS HE BOARDED THE BUS. I TRIED TO BE BRAVE, BUT I WAS YOUNG AND IN LOVE AND I DID WHAT ANY OTHER YOUNG AND IN LOVE GIRL WOULD DO. I JUMPED ON THE BUMPER AND DECIDED THAT I WOULD RIDE BACK WITH HIM. SO THERE I WAS, ON THE BUMPER OF A MOVING BUS, POUNDING ON THE BACK WINDOW TO GET MARTIN'S ATTENTION. OF COURSE, IT ALSO GOT THE DRIVER'S ATTENTION AS WELL. THE BUS CAME TO A SCREECHING HALT, THE DRIVER STOMPED AROUND TO THE BACK OF THE BUS AND SAID, "GET THE JIMENY CRICKET OFF THE BUMPER LADY!" BY NOW, PEOPLE HAD GATHERED, AND I BEGAN TO REALIZE HOW SILLY I WAS TO HAVE JUMPED ON THE BUMPER OF A MOVING BUS. MARTIN CAME AROUND AND SAID, "SWEETIE, YOU CAN'T GO AROUND JUMPING ON BUS BUMPERS. I WILL SEE YOU NEXT WEEKEND. THAT IS ONLY 5 DAYS AWAY. NOW, I LOVE YOU. GET A GRIP!" SO, WITH TEARS STREAMING, I WATCHED MY LOVING HUSBAND RIDE AWAY ON THAT BUS. I HAD A WHOLE WEEK TO WAIT, BUT MOST OF THAT WEEK WENT QUICKLY AS I TENDED THE CHILDREN OF THAT FAMILY, AND SCRATCHED MY BACK. THE FAMILY WAS VERY NICE, ALTHOUGH I SOON REALIZED THAT THE MAMA WAS A STRIPPER AND I WAS NOT SURE WHAT DADDY DID, HE JUST CAME AND WENT AT ODD HOURS. NEVER THE LESS, I WAS HAPPY, AND NEAR MY HONEY. I WILL CONTINUE TOMORROW. LOVE, NANASEE

A MELDING

BY NOW YOU KNOW THAT I WAS ENGAGED JUST BEFORE I GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL. I HAD NO FAMILY CLOSE BY TO SHARE GRADUATION WITH, I WAS ON MY OWN, AND MARTIN AND A DEAR FRIEND NAMED GEORGIA,(SHE WAS A TELEPHONE LADE I RODE THE BUS WITH EACH DAY TO WORK) WERE THE ONLY ONES THAT CAME TO WATCH ME GRADUATE. BUT BEFORE THIS DAY, I HAD HEARD FROM MY FATHER WHO ASKED ME TO COME HOME WHERE HE LIVED IN TENNESEE WITH MY STEP MOM JOIDA AND HER KIDS. MY TWO BROTHERS LIVED THERE TOO, AND MY OLDEST BROTHER GEORGE HAD INJURED HIMSELF IN AN ACCIDENT. HE HAD BEEN THE PERSON KEEPING THE LITTLE KIDS WHILE JOIDA AND DAD WORKED BUT NOW WAS UNABLE TO. TO SAY I WANTED TO GO WOULD BE A LIE. ACTUALLY, I DECIDED NOT TO GO, AS I HAD NOT BEEN WITH THEM FOR OVER A YEAR, AND WHY WOULD I START NOW? BUT, FINALLY I DECIDED TO GO FOR AS SHORT A TIME AS POSSIBLE. TELLING MARTIN WAS ANOTHER THING HOWEVER, AND HE TOOK IT VERY BADLY THAT I WOULD LEAVE HIM. I TOLD HIM I WOULD COME BACK AS SOON AS I COULD, BUT HE INSISTED THAT HE KNEW THAT SOMETHING WOULD HAPPEN TO WHERE I WOULD NOT COME BACK. HE TOLD ME HE WAS GOING WITH ME. I TOLD HIM HE COULD NOT JUST DROP HIS LIFE LIKE THAT AND HE TOLD ME I WAS HIS LIFE. SO, HE QUIT HIS JOB, BOUGHT A BETTER CAR AND WE PACKED OUR THINGS TO TAKE THE TRIP TO TENNESEE. FIRST OF ALL, I HAD TO GRADUATE, SO I DID AND THE NEXT DAY, OFF WE WENT TO TENNESEE. NOW, I HAD THIS MIND SET THAT I WOULD REMAIN CHASTE UNTIL I WAS MARRIED. I MADE SURE THAT MARTIN KNEW IT TOO, AND I DID NOT DOUBT HIS WORD THAT HE WOULD RESPECT MY DECISION. IT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME THAT WE SHOULD NOT TRAVEL ALONE TOGETHER, I TRUSTED HIM THAT MUCH. AFTER A TWO DAY TRIP, WE ARRIVED IN MADISONVILLE TENNESEE. MY DAD AND JOIDA WERE SURPRISED TO SEE THAT MARTIN HAD COME WITH ME, AND NOW HAD 8 MOUTHS TO FEED. SHE HAD 4 KIDS, MY DAD HAD 3 OF US AND THEN THERE WAS MARTIN. WE ALL LIVED IN A MOBILE HOME WAY OUT IN THE COUNTRY. TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT, MARTIN FOUND OUT THAT HE HAD BEEN DRAFTED- HIS DAD HAD RECEIVED THE LETTER THE DAY AFTER WE LEFT. HE DID NOT BOTHER TO TELL US THOUGH UNTIL ABOUT TWO WEEKS LATER. THE CHOICE WAS TO GO HOME TO TEXAS AND GO INTO THE SERVICE OR TO JOIN IN TENNESEE AND TRY TO GET THE BRANCH MARTIN WANTED. THIS WAS REALLY A GODSEND, BECAUSE THERE WERE NO JOBS ANYWHERE AND WE DID NOT KNOW WHAT WE WERE GOING TO DO TO SUPPORT OURSELVES WHEN THE TIME CAME TO MARRY. SO, MARTIN ENLISTED INTO THE ARMY IN THE MOTORCADE- AS ALWAYS HE WAS A MECHANIC AT HEART. RIGHT AFTER THAT, WE DECIDED TO MARRY RIGHT AWAY, SO THAT WE WOULD HAVE THE ADDITIONAL BENEFITS OF FAMILY IN ARMY PAY. (THE TOTAL FOR A WHOLE MONTH INCLUDING FAMILY PAY WAS 198.00). WE HAD A SWEET LITTLE WEDDING ON JULY 3RD, 1972 AND MARTIN LEFT FOR THE SERVICE ON JULY 12TH. THE WHOLE DAY BEFORE, I JUST CRIED AND WEPT AND COULD NOT BE COMFORTED. AFTER ALL, VIETNAM WAS STILL GOING ON AND I WAS SCARED TO DEATH THAT I WOULD LOSE HIM. THE DAY HE LEFT, HE LEFT AT 6 AM TO MAKE IT TO THE RECRUITMENT CENTER TO GO TO BASIC TRAINING IN FORT KNOX KENTUCKY. ALL DAY, BOO HOO HOO. SNIFF, SNUFFLE, SNIFF, BOO HOO HOO. I COULD NOT BELEIVE HE HAD GONE. THEN, ABOUT 7 PM, SOMEONE KNOCKED ON THE DOOR. I OPENED THE DOOR, AND THROUGH MY TEAR FILLED EYES, I SAW WHAT MUST HAVE BEEN MY IMAGINATION. THERE STOOD MARTIN. JUST GRINNING AT ME. I SCREECHED AND JUMPED RIGHT ON HIM! THEN I SAID, "OH WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? WHY AREN'T YOU AT THE RECRUITMENT CAMP? WHAT'S WRONG? DIDN'T THEY WANT YOU? ARE YOU IN TROUBLE? WHAT'S GOING ON?" HE PUT HIS HAND OVER MY BABBLING MOUTH AND SAID, "I COULDN'T REMEMBER IF I KISSED YOU GOODBYE". THEN, HE PULLED ME INTO HIS ARMS AND KISSED ME AS ONLY HE COULD. I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD TO GO RIGHT BACK, AND HE SAID HE WOULD LEAVE IN THE MORNING. "BUT IT IS 50 MILES AWAY!" I CRIED, "HOW WILL YOU GET BACK IN TIME? ARENT YOU AOL? (AWAY WITHOUT LEAVE)" HE SAID YES HE WAS, BUT THERE WAS SO MUCH CONFUSION, THEY WOULD NOT MISS HIM UNTIL ROLL CALL. SO, WE HAD ONE LAST NIGHT TOGETHER. HE WENT IN TO TAKE A BATH, AND WHILE HE WAS IN THE TUB HE CALLED ME TO BRING HIM A DRINK. I TOLD HIM I WOULD BUT HE BETTER BE SURE AND COVER UP HIMSELF, (I HAD NOT HAD THE COURAGE TO LOOK AT ALL OF HIM YET) AND I DID NOT WANT TO SEE A SURPRISE! HE SAID, "OKAY, I AM COVERED UP, COME ON IN!" WELL, I WALKED INTO THE BATHROOM AND HE WAS COVERED UP ALLRIGHT, HE HAD COVERED HIS FACE WITH A WASH CLOTH! I SQUEALED AND TURNED AROUND. "HOW DARE YOU! HOW DARE YOU TRY TO SURPRISE ME WITH, THAT! " MY FACE WAS FLAMING AND I WAS SHAKING ALL OVER. "AW HONEY, IT WAS JUST A JOKE" HE SAID, AND HIS SHOULDERS WERE SHAKING WITH LAUGHTER. "I'LL GIVE YOU A JOKE" I CRIED, "HERE'S YOUR JIMENY CRICKET DRINK!" AND THREW THE DRINK INTO THE TUB, (WITH MY EYES COVERED OF COURSE). IF I HAD TRIED, I COULD NOT HAVE HIT THE TARGET WITH ANY MORE ACCURACY. POOR MARTIN HOWLED, AND JUMPED UP OUT OF THE TUB."WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO? WE ONLY HAVE ONE NIGHT HERE, YOU KNOW!" WHEN HE JUMPED UP, I SQUEALED AND RAN OUT OF THE BATHROOM. JOIDA CAME RUNNING AND WANTED TO KNOW WHAT ALL THE COMMOTION WAS ABOUT. I WAS CRYING AND TOLD HE WHAT HE HAD DONE. "HONEY, ARE YOU SERIOUS?" SHE SAID- YES, HE TRIED TO SHOW ME HIS------, "NO, SWEETIE, I MEAN ARE YOU SERIOUS THAT YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN HIM?" "WELL NO, WHAT DO I WANT TO SEE HIM FOR?" JOIDA THREW BACK HER HEAD AND LAUGHED LIKE CRAZY. "BABY, YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF THIS SOMEDAY!" "WELL, I WILL WHEN I AM READY," I SAID. SHE TOLD ME TO GO AND APOLOGIZE TO HIM, AS IT WAS HIS LAST NIGHT WITH ME. I TOLD HER THAT I THOUGHT THAT AN APOLOGY WAS ABOUT ALL HE WAS GOING TO GET, AND THEN TOLD HER ABOUT THE ACCURACY OF MY SODA THROW. SHE LOOKED AT ME AND TOLD ME TO GROW UP AND BE A WIFE TO HIM. TIME TO COME OUT FROM UNDER THE COVERS AND FACE REALITY. I WAS ALREADY FEELING BAD, BUT NOW I FELT HORRIBLE. I WENT INTO THE BATHROOM, (BY NOW MARTIN WAS OUT OF THE TUB AND COMPLETELY COVERED WITH A TOWEL), AND TOLD HIM I WAS SORRY. HE JUST PUT HIS WET ARMS AROUND ME AND SAID HE DID NOT KNOW THAT HIS JOKE WOULD UPSET ME SO MUCH. ANYWAY, HE HAD TO GET UP AT 4AM TO GET BACK TO THE CAMP, AND LETS JUST GET SOME SLEEP. SO, THAT IS HOW MARTIN AND I MARRIED AND HOW HE WENT INTO THE SERVICE. I HAD NEVER BEEN SO SAD AS I WAS THE NEXT MORNING WHEN I AWOKE WITH A NOTE ON HIS PILLOW. "HONEY, I COULD NOT BEAR TO SAY GOODBYE AGAIN, SO I LET YOU SLEEP. I WILL WRITE EVERYDAY. DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME, I WILL BE OKAY. WE WILL BE TOGETHER AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. LOVE, MARTIN" JOIDA HAD TAKEN HIM BACK, AND HE WAS GONE. BUT,YOU KNOW ME, AND TOMORROW, I WILL TELL YOU HOW I WENT AND FOUND HIM! LOVE, NANASEE

THE ENGAGEMENT RING

FORWARD WITH THE LOVE STORY! AFTER MARTIN TRICKED ME INTO PROPOSING TO HIM, THE TIME WENT QUICKLY UNTIL GRADUATION. BUT BEFORE I GET TO THAT LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY ENGAGEMENT RING. WHEN I WAS BORN, I WAS THE FIRST GIRL TO BE BORN INTO THE FAMILY IN 50 YEARS. MY GRANDPARENTS WERE SO INCREDIBLY HAPPY, AND MY GRANDFATHER FORREST, (HEREAFTER KNOWN AS POP) BOUGHT A TINY LITTLE DIAMOND RING FOR ME. ALL MY LIFE I KEPT THAT LITTLE RING, IT WAS THE MOST PRECIOUS ITEM I OWNED. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENED TO ME OR WHERE I WENT, THAT LITTLE RING WAS WITH ME, I GUESS IT WAS A PART OF POP TO ME. I TOLD MARTIN THAT I HAD THIS LITTLE DIAMOND RING AND WANTED IT TO BE A PART OF MY WEDDING SET. THE LITTLE DIAMOND WAS REALLY ONLY A LITTLE CHIP, BUT STILL IT WAS SPECIAL. THE SETTING OF THE RING HAD BEEN BADLY BENT AND WORN AFTER ALL THE YEARS. I TOLD MARTIN THAT I DID NOT KNOW HOW, BUT PLEASE MAKE IT PART OF MY WEDDING SET. HE TOOK IT AND AFTER A WEEK HE SAID HE HAD A SURPRISE FOR ME. HE TOOK ME TO THE PARK WE LOVED TO GO TO AND WE SAT DOWN ON A BRIDGE OVER A LITTLE STREAM. THIS WAS OUR SPECIAL PLACE, AS WE WOULD GO TO TALK, MAKE PLANS OR JUST BE TOGETHER. AS WE SAT ON THE LITTLE WOODEN BRIDGE, HE TOOK MY HAND AND TOLD ME TO CLOSE MY EYES. HE THEN SAID, "YOU CAN PEEK NOW", AND THERE WAS A LITTLE BLACK VELVET BOX IN HIS HAND. MY HEART THUMPING, I TOOK THE BOX AND OPENED IT. THERE, NESTLED IN SATIN, WAS A LOVELY ENGAGEMENT RING. IT LOOKED LIKE IT HAD A LARGER DIAMOND, AND AT FIRST I WAS DISAPOINTED BECAUSE HE DID NOT USE MY LITTLE DIAMOND AS I HAD ASKED. IT WAS DARK, AND SO IT WAS HARDER TO SEE. I SWALLOWED, AND LOOKED AT HIM, SAYING, "IT IS PERFECT. THANK YOU SO MUCH!" MARTIN TOOK MY CHIN GENTLY IN HIS HAND AND SAID, "I KNOW YOU ARE NOT HAPPY WITH IT, I KNOW YOU. WHAT IS WRONG?" I SAID, "REMEMBER MY LITTLE DIAMOND? I REALLY WANTED THAT TO BE IN MY RING." HE SAID, "BUT LOOK! IT IS!" THEN, I LOOKED CLOSELY, AND TO MY SURPRISE, I SAW WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT. THE RING WAS MADE TO LOOK LIKE A LARGER DIAMOND, BUT WAS REALLY A WHITE GOLD SETTING WITH A TINY LITTLE DIAMOND IN THE MIDDLE. I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT. HE DID JUST AS I ASKED. I THREW MY ARMS AROUND HIM AND SQUEALED WITH JOY. HE SAID, "THE JEWLER HAD A HARD TIME FINDING A SETTING FOR SUCH A SMALL DIAMOND, BUT HE DID FIND ONE. ANYWAY, I HAVE NEVER KNOW A WOMAN THAT WAS DISSAPOINTED OVER NOT GETTING A SMALL DIAMOND! I WAS WORRIED THAT I COULD NOT AFFORD ONE TO MAKE YOU HAPPY!" WELL I WAS VERY HAPPY AND FROM THAT DAY ON, I WORE MY LITTLE RING WITH JOY. LATER, THE BAND BEGAN TO WEAR AGAIN, AND FINALLY MARTIN PAIRED IT WITH ANOTHER RING TO GIVE IT STRENGTH. YEARS WENT BY, AND AS I HAD EACH CHILD, MY FINGER BECAME CHUBBIER AND CHUBBIER. I GAVE UP AND PUT THE LITTLE RING IN MY JEWLERY BOX AND JUST WORE A GOLD BAND, THINKING THAT ONE DAY, I WOULD HAVE THE LITTLE RING SIZED AND WEAR IT ONCE AGAIN. IN 1988, OUR HOUSE BURNED. WE LOST EVERYTHING. WE WERE FORCED TO LEAVE AND RENT ANOTHER PLACE WHILE WE REBUILT. I THREW A HUGE FIT TO GO BACK INTO THE BURNED HOUSE TO FIND MY LITTLE JEWELRY BOX. I FINALLY DID FIND IT, AND TO MY HORROR, SOMEONE HAD COME INTO THE HOUSE AND TAKEN ALL THE JEWELRY IN IT. EVERYTHING WAS GONE, ALL MY JEWELRY THAT MARTIN HAD GIVEN ME OVER THE YEARS, BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, MY LITTLE RING WAS MISSING. THAT WAS THE STRAW THAT BROKE ME. I STARTED SCREAMING AND AS EVERYONE CAME RUNNING TO SEE WHAT HAPPENED, THEY FOUND ME HUDDLED ON THE GROUND ROCKING BACK AND FORTH CRYING ABOUT MY LITTLE RING. FINALLY, I STOOD UP, TOOK THE EMPTY LITLE JEWELRY BOX AND DROPPED IT ON THE CEMENT. I HEARD A TINY LITTLE "TING" NOISE. I LOOKED AND SAW SOMETHING SHINING ON THE CEMENT. I BENT TO SEE WHAT IT WAS, AND TO MY INCREDIBLE SURPRISE, MY LITTLE RING HAD FALLEN OUT OF THE BOX. IT WAS THERE, RIGHT ON THE GROUND! I PICKED IT UP WITH SHAKING FINGERS AND COULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT I WAS SEEING. BUT TRULY IT WAS THERE, IN MY HAND AND UNHARMED. HOW DID THE THIEF MISS IT? ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT IT MUST HAVE BEEN STUFFED INTO THE LINING OF THE BOX. NOW, YOU CAN THINK WHAT YOU WANT, BUT I AM SURE THAT MY POOR OVERWORKED GUARDIAN ANGEL STUFFED MY RING IN THE LINING TO KEEP IT FOR ME. BOY HAVE I GOT SOME THANKING TO DO ONE OF THESE DAYS WHEN I GET FACE TO FACE WITH HER! ANYWAY, I CLOSED MY HAND AROUND MY RING, BOWED MY HEAD, AND NOW, WITH TEARS OF JOY, THANKED MY HEAVENLY FATHER FOR PRESERVING SOMETHING SO PRECIOUS TO ME. THAT LITTLE RING IS NOT WORTH MUCH TO ANYONE ELSE, BUT IT IS WORTH A FORTUNE TO ME. SINCE I HAVE BEEN MARRIED, MARTIN HAS MADE IT A HABIT TO BUY JEWELRY ON SPECIAL OCCASIONS, AND I HAVE SEVERAL JEWELRY BOXES TO KEEP IT ALL IN. HE EVEN BOUGHT A LITTLE SAFE FOR ALL OF IT, BUT I AM TELLING YOU THAT NONE OF IT IS AS PRECIOUS AS MY LITTLE DIAMOND RING. IT MEANS SO VERY MUCH TO ME. LOVE, NANASEE

FURITURE DAY

TODAY WE WENT TO GET JAYBIRD'S FURNITURE- HE LOST EVERYTHING IN THE HURRICANE, AND IT HAS TAKEN THIS LONG TO GET HIS ROOM BACK WHERE WE CAN FURNISH IT. WE WENT TO GALLERY FURNITURE, WE ALWAYS GO THERE, THE QUALITY IS WONDERFUL. ANYWAY, THE OWNER IS ALWAYS AT THE FRONT DESK AND WAS THERE TODAY AS USUAL. AS SOON AS WE WALKED IN, HE LOOKED AT JAYBIRD AND SAID, "HEY JARED! HOW YOU BEEN BOY?" WELL I WAS JUST STUNNED, AS JAYBIRD HASN'T BEEN AT GALLERY FURNITURE SINCE JULY. THAT STORE HAS THOUSANDS OF CUTOMOERS EACH DAY, AND I WAS SO IMPRESSED THAT MR. MCINVALE COULD REMEMBER ONE LITTLE BOY AFTER SO LONG. ANYWAY, WE BOUGHT THE FURNITURE, LOOKED AROUND FOR AWHILE, AND FINALLY AFTER A COUPLE OF HOURS, STARTED TO GO HOME. AS WE LEFT, MR. MCINVALE SAID, "OKAY JARED, SEE YOU NEXT TIME!" I TOLD BECKY THAT I COULD NOT GET OVER HOW THE MAN COULD REMEMBER JARED LIKE THAT, I THOUGHT HE MUST BE A GENIUS OR SOMETHING. BECKY STARTED LAUGHING AND I SAID, "WHAT?" SHE SAID, "COULD IT BE BECAUSE JARED HAS HIS NAME ON THE FRONT OF HIS SHIRT?" SURE ENOUGH, THERE IT WAS, "JARED" RIGHT ON THE FRONT! AS USUAL, I FELT LIKE A FIRST CLASS DUMMY- I NEVER PAY ATTENTION TO THE LITTLE THINGS! WE LAUGHED ALL THE WAY HOME.
NOW, BACK TO THE LOVE STORY. IT WAS THE MIDDLE OF MAY AND CLOSE TO GRADUATION. ONE BRIGHT SATURDAY, MARTIN DECIDED HE WANTED TO COOK FOR ME. OKAY, I GUESS I AM GAME FOR THAT AND HE TOOK ME TO HIS MOM'S HOUSE. (HIS PARENTS WERE DIVORCED AND LIVED APART). I WENT TO HIS MOM'S HOUSE AND HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO SURPRISE ME. HE MADE A DISH CALLED, "TUBATELL". IT WAS A HUNGARIAN DISH THAT HAD BEEN IN HIS FAMILY FOR YEARS. I COULDN'T WAIT. IT SOUNDED SO GOOD! FINALLY, AFTER BANGING AROUND IN THE KITCHEN FOR AWHILE, HE TOLD ME TO GO TO THE TABLE, SIT DOWN AND CLOSE MY EYES. I DID, AND WAITED WITH ANTICIPATION. I HEARD HIM SET THE DISH IN FRONT OF ME. I HAD RESOLVED TO ACT ENTHUSIASTIC NO MATTER HOW IT TASTED. HE SAID, "OKAY, LOOK!" I LOOKED AND THERE IT WAS, A BOWL OF MACARONI, HAMBURGER AND SPAGHETTI SAUCE. I BLINKED A MOMENT, AND SAID, "THIS IS TUBATELL?" "YUP! SAYS HE, "AND MY MOM TAUGHT ME HOW TO MAKE IT JUST FOR YOU!" "OH, HOW NICE! I CAN'T WAIT TO TASTE IT!" SAYS I. SO, WITH HIS RAPTUROUS FACE GLEAMING, I TOOK A SPOON AND TOOK A BIG BITE, THINKING THAT MAYBE THERE WAS SOME EXOTIC HERB IN THERE THAT MADE IT SPECIAL. AND GUESS WHAT? IT TASTED JUST LIKE---- MACARONI, HAMBURGER AND SPAGHETTI SAUCE! WELL, WHAT COULD I SAY-- EXCEPT, "YUMMY! IT IS REALLY GOOD! CAN YOU TEACH ME HOW TO MAKE IT?" BEAMING AT ME, HE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT IS NOT AS HARD AS IT LOOKS! I BET YOU COULD LEARN HOW. I HOPE SO, BECAUSE IT IS MY FAVORITE DISH". (I ALMOST TOLD HIM THAT BELIEVE IT OR NOT THERE WAS A DISH CALLED SPAGHETTI THAT HE MIGHT LIKE TOO!) ANYWAY,WE ATE OUR FILL, (HE HAD MADE A HUGE POT OF IT) AND THEN DECIDED TO GO FOR A RIDE. AS WE DROVE I LOOKED AT HIM, AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, NOW THAT WE ARE GETTING SERIOUS AND ALL, AFTER ALL YOU HAVE COOKED FOR ME AND EVERYTHING, WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT , YOU KNOW, SINCE WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR TWO MONTHS AND ALL, AND, WELL, SINCE WE LOVE EACH OTHER, WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT OUR GETTING MARRIED?" HE PULLED THE CAR OVER, LOOKED AT ME, AND SAID, "NO". WHAT? WHAT? NO? WHAT DID HE MEAN NO? I SAID, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO?!!! I CAN'T BELEIVE YOU SAID NO!" I IMMEDIATLY BEGAN TO CRY. HE SAID, "OH, JIMENY CRICKET! DON'T CRY- LISTEN. I WANTED TO ASK YOU TO MARRY ME BUT I WASN'T SURE THAT YOU WOULD SAY YES, SO IF FIGURED IF I WAITED LONG ENOUGH YOU WOULD GET IMPATIENT AND ASK ME FIRST. THAT WAY I KNEW YOU WOULD NOT TURN ME DOWN." NOW, THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD TIME TO THROW IN HIS FACE THAT I WAS ONLY 17 AND STILL JAIL BAIT- (EVEN IF WE HAD NO REASON TO WORRY ABOUT THAT) AND EVERY OTHER REASON THAT WE WERE TOO YOUNG TO EVEN THINK ABOUT SUCH A HUGE DECISION. BUT, AS YOU ALL KNOW BY NOW, I AM IMPULSIVE. SO, I DRIED MY EYES, LOOKED HIM STRAIGHT IN THE EYES, AND PUNCHED HIM IN THE STOMACH. "HOW DARE YOU UPSET ME LIKE THAT! HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME CRY! WHAT KIND OF A JIMENY CRICKET ARE YOU ANYWAY?!!!" HE SAID, "WELL, AFTER TWO MONTHS, IF YOU HAVENT' FIGURED THAT OUT, YOU MAY NOT BE AS SHARP AS I T HOUGHT YOU WERE!" "OH, YOU JIMENY CRICKET! YOU, YOU, MAN! WHY DO I PUT UP WITH THIS! I AM NOT GOING TO SIT HERE AND TAKE THIS, THIS, UH, WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT ANYWAY?" HE SAID, " YOU ASKED ME TO MARRY YOU AND I WAS JUST GOING TO SAY THAT I WOULD BE HONORED." "OH, YOU ARE SO SWEET, AND---WAIT A MINUTE! NO, YOU TRICKED ME! YOU MADE ME ASK FIRST! YEAH, THAT'S WHAT YOU DID AND I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT------ I DIDN'T GET TO FINISH, BECAUSE HE GRABBED ME AND KISSED MY SENSLESS. AND THEN, HE GOT OUT OF THE CAR, CAME AROUND TO MY SIDE AND OPENED THE DOOR. HE THEN TOOK MY HAND, GENTLY PULLED ME OUT AND THEN KNELT AT MY FEET. "I LOVE YOU," HE SAID. "WILL YOU MARRY ME?" THEN HE STOOD UP, TOWERED OVER ME AND WAITED FOR AN ANSWER. I JUST STARTED LAUGHING AND SAID, "WELL, IT TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH. I GUESS WE WOULD HAVE DATED FOR 50 YEARS IF I HAD TO WAIT ON YOU TO GET YOUR GUTS TOGETHER! AND THEN I SAID, "OF COURSE I WILL- THAT IS THE GREATEST WISH I HAVE, TO BE WITH YOU FOREVER." THE POOR THING THEN LOOKED KIND OF SHEEPISH, AND SAID, " I DON'T HAVE A RING FOR YOU. I DIDN'T KNOW IF YOU WANTED A SENIOR RING, OR AN ENGAGEMENT RING." I SAID, "AN ENGAGEMENT RING PLEASE". (LOOKING BACK, I COULD HAVE HAD BOTH, IT WOULD JUST HAVE BEEN A MATTER OF TIME). AND SO, THAT IS HOW WE GOT ENGAGED. THERE IS MORE TO TELL, BUT THAT WILL HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW. LOVE, NANASEE

BACK TO THE LOVE STORY

WELL, LET'S GET BACK TO THE LOVE STORY. AFTER SITTING IN THE DRIVEWAY FOR HOURS AND WEEPING AND WORRYING OVER WHETHER MARTIN WOULD LOVE ME AS WELL, I FOUND THAT AS HEAVENLY FATHER SAID, "ALL WAS WELL". BY NOW, IT WAS THE MIDDLE OF APRIL AND THE END OF SCHOOL AND MY GRADUATION WAS DRAWING NEAR. WE HAD NO MONEY TO SPARE, SO OUR DATES WERE SUCH AS THOSE WHERE WE WENT TO PARKS, RODE BIKES AND SAT AND TALKED. I MET MARTIN'S FAMILY. THEY WERE DIFFERENT THAN I WAS USED TO, AND THEY TOOK SOME GETTING USED TO. THE DAY I WENT TO MEET HIS FAMILY, I ASKED MY FRIEND LINDA TO DRIVE ME OVER TO MARTIN'S HOUSE. IT WAS A SUNDAY, AND THEY WERE HAVING A BAR-B-QUE. HE GAVE ME THE ADDRESS, AND IT WAS IN THE HEIGHTS AREA OF HOUSTON, A VICTORIAN NEIGHBORHOOD. THE STREETS WERE HARD TO FOLLOW, AND I WAS AFRAID THAT I WOULD GET LOST. SO, I PUT ON MY FINERY, AND OFF WE WENT TO FIND THE HOUSE. WE DROVE UP ONE STREET AND DOWN ANOTHER. WE HAD TO BE GETTING CLOSE, AND I WAS WORRIED ABOUT BEING LATE FOR THE PARTY. SUDDENLY, AS WE DROVE PAST A HOUSE, I SAW A YOUNG MAN HAULING SHINGLES UP TO A ROOF, DANCING UP THE LADDER WITH 80 POUNDS OF SHINGLES ON EACH SHOULDER LIKE IT WAS NOTHING. HE HAD HIS SHIRT OFF, AND HE WAS A KNOCK-OUT! BOY, HE WAS SOMETHING- SWEAT GLISTENING OFF HIS SHOULDERS, HIS ARMS RIPPLING WITH MUSCLE. HIS JEANS WERE RIDING LOW ON HIS HIPS, AND HE TOSSED THOSE SHINGLES DOWN WITH OUT EFFORT. I TOLD LINDA, "STOP THE CAR! I HAVE TO MEET THAT GUY!" "YOU TRAMP" SHE SAID, "YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MEETING MARTIN'S FAMILY TODAY!" (SHE ALWAYS CALLED ME A TRAMP, SHE WAS JOKING I HOPE)- ANYWAY, I TOLD HER, "DON'T BE SUCH A STICK IN THE MUD, GO AND FIND HIS HOUSE AND COME BACK- OH AND KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF OF HIM!" SHE DROVE OFF AND I SAUNTERED OVER TO THE HOUSE AND STOOD THERE IN AN INVITING POSE- "HEY BIG BOY, COME ON OVER HER" I YELLED. BIG BOY CAME RIGHT OVER TO THE EDGE OF THE ROOF, AND GRINNING, SAID, "HEY BABE! YOU FOUND THE HOUSE! GREAT! I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN!" OH YEAH, JUST MY LUCK- YOU GUESSED IT, IT WAS MARTIN! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? THERE I WAS FLIRTING WITH A HUNK WHEN I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE GOING TO MARTIN'S HOUSE TO MEET HIS FAMILY, AND THERE HE WAS! AT HIS HOUSE! IF I HAD EVEN LOOKED THE ADDRESS WAS BIG AND BOLD RIGHT ON THE FRONT OF THE HOUSE! BUT NO, I WAS TOO INTERESTED IN THE HUNK ON THE ROOF. SO, I COVERED MY TRACKS, AND SAID, "YEAH, I FOUND IT. DIDN'T TAKE ME LONG EITHER. I SAW YOU UP THERE AND COULDNT WAIT TO GET OUT OF THE CAR!" "YEAH, WHATEVER" HE SAID, "I SAW YOU GET OUT, AND YOU HAD NO IDEA IT WAS ME." WELL, I CONTINUE TO COVER MY TRACKS, "WELL OF COURSE I KNEW IT WAS YOU-" AND THEN HERE COMES LINDA YELLING, "JODIE, WAIT! THIS IS MARTIN'S HOUSE!" I TURNED AND GAVE HER A SUGARY GRIN AND SAID, (LOOKING AT MARTIN) "SILLY GIRL, OF COURSE IT IS HIS HOUSE. I KNEW THAT!" SHE GAVE HIM A CONFUSED LOOK, AND SAID, "WELL IF YOU KNEW THAT THEN WHY DID YOU TELL ME TO--(I PUT MY HAND OVER HER MOUTH AT THAT MOMENT) AND SAID, "TELL YOU TO GO GET THAT THING FOR ME? WELL BECAUSE, I NEEDED THAT THING!" SHE LOOKED SO CONFUSED, (SHE WAS NOT THE BRIGHTEST LIGHT IN THE CHANDELIER) AND MARTIN JUST CRACKED UP. "TRAMP" HE SAID, AND GAVE ME A BIG HUG. WE LAUGHED TOGETHER AND THEN WE WENT TO THE BACK YARD TO MEET HIS FAMILY. IS IT POSSIBLE FOR ME TO DO ANYTHING RIGHT? I TRULY WONDER! BUT WE HAD A WONDERFUL DAY, AND TO THIS DAY WE STILL LAUGH ABOUT "THE HUNK ON THE ROOF!" LOVE, NANASEE

A CLOSE CALL

LAST NIGHT I AWOKE WITH A THOUGHT RUNNING THROUGH MY MIND OVER AND OVER. I GUESS BECAUSE IT IS EASTER TIME, THIS PARTICULAR MEMORY CAME TO ME OUT OF THE BLUE. WHEN I WAS IN THE THIRD GRADE, WE LIVED IN A TOWN CALLED WESTPORT MISSOURI, JUST OUTSIDE OF KANSAS CITY. WE LIVED IN AN APARTMENT BUILDING THAT HAD AT ONE TIME, BEEN A LARGE HOUSE AND CONVERTED INTO APARTMENTS. IT WAS A SMALL BUILDING, AND MY GRANDMOTHER LIVED UPSTAIRS AND MOTHER LIVED DOWNSTAIRS. WE HAD THE RUN OF BOTH OF THE APARTMENTS, SO THE WHOLE THING WAS HOME TO ME. I HAD TO WALK TO SCHOOL EVERYDAY. IT WAS QUITE A WALK, AND FOR SOME REASON, I WALKED ALONE, I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE MY BROTHER WAS. ONE COLD DAY, AS I WAS WALKING TO SCHOOL, A MAN CAME UP TO ME. HE SMILED, AND SAID HELLO. HE WAS OBVIOUSLY HOMELESS, AND WEARING AN OVERCOAT, RAGGED HAT AND WORN SHOES. HE HAD A KIND FACE, AND SMILED A LOT. HE ASKED ME MY NAME. I TOLD HIM THAT I COULD NOT TALK TO STRANGERS, AND SO HE TOLD ME HIS NAME AND THEN SAID THAT SINCE HE HAD INTRODUCED HIMSELF TO ME, WE WERE NO LONGER STRANGERS. HIS NAME WAS JAMEY. I THINK HE WAS OLDER, BUT IT IS HARD TO TELL, AS A CHILD'S COMPREHENSION OF AGE IS DIFFERENT THAT AN ADULT'S. BUT HE SEEMED OLD TO ME. WELL, IT MADE SENSE THAT IF HE INTRODUCED HIMSELF TO ME, WE WERE FRIENDS AND I TOLD HIM MY NAME WAS JODIE. HE ASKED IF HE COULD WALK TO SCHOOL WITH ME. I THOUGHT, "WELL WHY NOT? HE IS A NICE MAN", AND TOLD HIM OKAY, SO OFF WE WENT. HE ASKED ME QUESTIONS ABOUT WHERE I LIVED, ABOUT MY FAMILY AND OTHER QUESTIONS ABOUT ME. I FINALLY GOT TO SCHOOL AND DID NOT THINK ABOUT HIM ANYMORE. THE NEXT DAY, THERE HE WAS, WAITING FOR ME. HE WALKED TO SCHOOL WITH ME AGAIN, TALKING AND LAUGHING ALL THE WAY. I DID NOT REALIZE THAT I COULD BE IN ANY DANGER, HE SEEMED NICE TO MY YOUNG MIND. ON THE FOURTH DAY OF WALKING ME TO SCHOOL, HE ASKED IF I WOULD GIVE HIM A HUG GOODBYE. I DID. I WAS HAPPY THAT HE WAS SO KIND TO ME. THE NEXT DAY, WHEN HE SHOWED UP TO WALK WITH ME, HE HUGGED ME RIGHT AWAY. WE WALKED TO SCHOOL AS USUAL. NOW, LET ME EXPLAIN THAT I FELT NO DANGER FROM JAMEY, HE WAS MY FRIEND. (I DON'T KNOW WHY I NEVER TOLD MY MOTHER ABOUT HIM, IT DIDN'T SEEM IMPORTANT I GUESS). THAT AFTERNOON, HE WAS THERE AT THE SCHOOL TO WALK ME HOME. WHEN WE REACHED THE PLACE WHERE HE ALWAYS MET ME, HE HUGGED ME BUT THIS TIME, HE RAISED MY SKIRT AND TOUCHED MY PANTIES.. I PULLED AWAY AND LOOKED AT HIM, AND THEN I SAID, "JAMEY, THAT IS NOT NICE. THAT IS NOT WHAT FRIENDS DO. I DON'T THINK GOD WOULD LIKE IT IF YOU DID THAT AGAIN". HE GOT THE FUNNIEST LOOK ON HIS FACE, AND THEN TOUCHED MY ARM SAYING, "OH JODIE, YOU ARE RIGHT! THAT IS NOT WHAT FRIENDS DO. I AM SO SORRY, I WILL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!" I TOLD HIM THAT WAS OKAY, AND WALKED HOME. SOON, IN A COUPLE OF DAYS, I HEARD A TAPPING AT MY WINDOW IN THE EVENING. I WENT AND THERE STOOD JAMEY. HE WANTED TO KNOW IF I WAS ALRIGHT. I SAID, YES WHY DID HE ASK? HE SAID I LOOKED SAD THAT DAY AND HE WAS WORRIED ABOUT ME. WE TALKED AND HE LEFT. AFTER THAT EACH NIGHT AT THE SAME TIME, HE TAPPED ON THE WINDOW AND WE TALKED. SOMETIMES HE BROUGHT ME CANDY OR SODA. HE SAID HE LOVED SPENDING TIME WITH ME. I THOUGHT IT WAS WONDERFUL THAT HE LIKED ME SO MUCH, AND HE EVEN BROUGHT FRUIT AND SANDWICHED TO ME BEFORE SCHOOL AND AFTER. I HAD NO FEAR OF HIM AT ALL. WITH THE DIFFICULTIES MY FAMILY WAS GOING THROUGH, I WAS HAPPY TO HAVE A FRIEND THAT WAS SO GOOD TO ME AND GAVE ME SO MUCH ATTENTION. THEN, SUDDENLY, WE MOVED. I DID NOT GET A CHANCE TO TELL JAMEY THAT WE WERE MOVING AND I DID NOT SEE HIM AGAIN. OF COURSE IMISSED MY FRIEND, I WAS SO INNOCENT, I DID NOT REALIZE THAT THE RELATIONSHIP WAS IMPROPER OR THAT I COULD HAVE BEEN IN TERRIBLE DANGER FROM THIS MAN. HE SEEMED LIKE A NICE GRANDPA TO ME. SPRING CAME, AND LIFE WENT ON. WE WERE VERY POOR, AND I WAS WORRIED THAT PERHAPS THE EASTER BUNNY (OKAY, I KNEW THERE WAS NO EASTER BUNNY BUT THAT DIDN'T MEAN I DIDN'T WANT AN EASTER TREAT!) WOULD NOT COME, BECAUSE THERE WAS NO MONEY FOR SUCH THINGS. I WAS DETERMINED TO BE MATURE, AND HOPED THAT MY LITTLE BROTHER WOULD GET SOMETHING AT LEAST. ON EASTER SUNDAY, I DECIDED THAT I WOULD GO FOR A WALK TO ENJOY THE DAY. IT WAS EARLY, AND WHEN I OPENED THE DOOR, THERE WAS A HUGE EASTER BASKET WITH MY NAME ON IT! I MEAN HUGE! I WONDERED WHERE MY PARENTS HAD GOTTEN THE MONEY TO BUY IT, AND WHY MY LITTLE BROTHER DID NOT GET ONE. I WOKE MY MOTHER AND ASKED HER, AND SHE ASKED ME WHERE THAT BASKET HAD COME FROM. IT WAS NOT FROM HER OR MY GRANDMOTHER OR EVEN THE NEIGHBORS. IT WAS FULL OF CANDY AND A LARGE STUFFED EASTER RABBIT- SO I SHARED WITH MY FAMILY AND THOUGHT THAT PERHAPS HEAVENLY FATHER HAD SENT IT SOMEHOW. I WAS SO HAPPY, IT WAS TRULY A WONDERFUL SURPRISE FOR ME. THE WEEKS WENT ON, AND ONCE AGAIN WE HAD TO MOVE. ON THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL, AS I WAS WALKING HOME, I HEARD MY NAME. "JODIE". I LOOKED AROUND, AND TO MY SURPRISE, THERE STOOD JAMEY. I SAID, "OH, I HAVE MISSED YOU! WE MOVED AND I COULD NOT TELL YOU THAT WE DID, I FELT SO BAD ABOUT IT, BUT WE MOVED SO FAST! I AM SO GLAD TO SEE YOU!" "HE SMILED AND SAID, "DID THE EASTER BUNNY COME TO SEE YOU?" I SAID, "YES, AND I GOT A....... WAIT! JAMEY, WAS THAT YOU? HOW DID YOU KNOW WHERE I WAS?" HE TOLD ME THAT HE ALWAYS KNEW WHERE I WAS AND EVERYDAY, FOLLOWED ME TO SCHOOL AND HOME TO BE SURE I WAS OKAY. HE SAID HE WAS LEAVING TOWN, AND WANTED TO SAY GOODBYE. HE HAD A TEAR IN HIS EYE, AND TOLD ME I WAS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO HIM. HE WANTED EASTER TO BE SPECIAL FOR ME. I TOLD HIM THAT I TOO, WAS MOVING FAR AWAY, AND WAS SO GLAD TO BE ABLE TO SAY GOOD BYE TO HIM.
I NEVER SAW JAMEY AGAIN, BUT ON EASTER I THINK ABOUT HIM SOMETIMES. I WONDER IF MY WORDS AGAINST HIS IMPROPER TOUCH COULD HAVE CHANGED HIM. I WILL NEVER KNOW, BUT I DO HOPE THAT HE DID BECOME THE MAN THAT I CAME TO KNOW. I WAS TOUCHED THAT HE KEPT A VIGIL OVER ME WITHOUT MY KNOWING IT. I ALSO REALIZE THAT HEAVENLY FATHER PROTECTED ME FROM THIS MAN- IT COULD HAVE BEEN TERRIBLE. I NEVER TOLD MY PARENTS ABOUT JAMEY. I JUST WENT ON, AS A KID, LIVING LIFE AND CHALKING UP THAT EXPERIENCE TO SOMETHING THAT WAS A PART OF ME. EACH EXPERIENCE MAKES ME WHO I AM. LOVE, NANASEE

A NEW DIRECTION

WELL, I AM SO EXCITED! I REALIZED TODAY THAT YET ANOTHER MIRACLE HAS COME FROM BOBBIE JO'S EXPERIENCE. THE MAIN REASON THAT I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO HANDLE THIS HORRENDOUS LOSS, IS BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO WRITE ABOUT IT AND OTHER THINGS THAT ARE IMPORTANT TO ME. AND----I DISCOVERED THAT I LOVE TO WRITE! MOST EXPECIALLY, NARCISIST THAT I AM, I LOVE TO HEAR HOW MY DEAR READERS LIKE READING WHAT I WRITE! SO, BECAUSE OF THE LOVE AND ATTENTION I HAVE RECEIVED FROM ALL OF YOU, I AM ABLE TO MOVE ALONG WITH MY LIFE IN A POSITIVE WAY. FROM NOW ON, I WILL WRITE OF MY MEMORIES THAT ARE HUMOROUS TO ME, AND HOPE TO BRING HUMOR TO YOU AS WELL. FOR SOME REASON, I HAVE HAD MANY INCIDENTS IN MY LIFE THAT SHOULD HAVE CAUSED GREAT PAIN AND EMBARRASSMENT, BUT I FOUND AT AN EARLY AGE TO SEE THE HUMOR IN A SITUATION AND LAUGH ABOUT IT. NOW, YOU CAN ONLY DO THIS IF YOU ARE ABOVE CARING ABOUT THE JUDGEMENT OF OTHERS, AND SINCE I HAVE REACHED THE GREAT AGE OF ALMOST 55, WELL, I GUESS IF OTHERS FIND JOY IN JUDGING ME, THEN, THAT WILL BE A GIFT TO THEM. TO THE REST OF YOU, I HOPE I CAN EXPRESS THOSE MEMORIES SO YOU WILL ENJOY THEM AS MUCH AS I DO.
I LEFT YOU YESTERDAY WITH THE CONUNDRUM OF HAVING TO TELL MARTIN THAT I WAS IN LOVE WITH HIM. I WAS ONLY 17 AT THE TIME, AND VERY WORRIED THAT HE WOULD NOT LOVE ME AS MUCH AS I LOVED HIM. YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT IN MY LIFE, COMMITMENT WAS NOT A GREATLY LEARNED TRAIT. MY PARENTS DID NOT STAY TOGETHER, AT ONE POINT IN MY YOUNG LIFE WE WERE PLACED INTO A CHILDREN'S HOME,(MORE ABOUT THAT LATER) AND OUT OF SURVIVAL, I HAD TO LEARN NOT TO COMMIT TO ANYTHING AS YOU JUST SEEM TO LOSE IT ANYWAY. ONE THING VERY DEAR AND PRECIOUS TO ME, WAS THE LOVE OF MY GRANDPARENTS. I ALWAYS KNEW THAT THEY LOVED ME AND I WAS SPECIAL TO THEM AND I LEARNED SO MUCH FROM THEM. I WILL LATER TELL YOU OF HOW AND WHY I WAS DISTANCED FROM MY DEAR GRANDPARENTS, BUT THAT IS ANOTHER STORY. ANYWAY, I HAD A GREAT FEAR OF ABANDONMENT, AND I DID NOT KNOW IF I COULD STAND LOSING MARTIN. I FELT THAT IT WOULD BE BETTER TO JUST HANG AROUND TOGETHER INSTEAD OF COMMITTING, IF THAT COMMITMENT WOULD CAUSE ME TO LOSE HIM. SO, I FRETTED ABOUT IT THE WHOLE DAY OF EASTER SUNDAY , 1972. WE HAD A LOVELY DAY, AND THEN I WAS MONDAY. MARTIN CAME OVER AND WE WENT TO DINNER AND HE WAS VERY NERVOUS. I BECAME ANXIOUS TOO, BECAUSE I BEGAN TO IMAGINE THAT HE WAS THINKING OF A WAY TO BREAK UP WITH ME. (WHY DO WE DO THIS TO OURSELVES?) AFTER DINNER, WE WENT BACK TO MY DRIVEWAY, AND JUST SAT THERE. I BECAME OVERWHELMED WITH THE NEED TO TELL HIM HOW I FELT. I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO END OUR BEAUTIFUL RELATIONSHIP, AND I TRULY FEARED THAT BEING HONEST WITH HIM ABOUT MY LOVE WOULD DO JUST THAT. HE SAT IN THE CAR IN STONY SILENCE. I STARED STRAIGHT AHEAD. SERIOUSLY, FINALLY AFTER ALMOST AN HOUR, I GOT MY COURAGE TOGETHER AND SAID, "I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING. I AM WORRIED ABOUT TELLING YOU THIS BECAUSE I AM AFRAID YOU WON'T UNDERSTAND. " I BEGAN TO STAMMER, AND FINALLY SAID, "NEVER MIND, YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYWAY." "WHAT DON'T I WANT TO HEAR?" HE SAID, "LET ME BE THE JUDGE OF THAT!" SO, I HEMMEND AND HAWED FOR ANOTHER LONG WHILE, TRYING TO FIND THE WORDS AND FINALLY, WITH EVERY DROP OF COURAGE AND GUTS I COULD FIND, I TOOK HIS HAND AND SAID, "MARTIN, I HAVE GREAT FEELINGS FOR YOU. IN FACT, I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU." THEN RUSHING ON, I SAID,"I KNOW I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO OFFER YOU, AND I KNOW THAT I AM NOT THE KIND OF GIRL YOU WANT IN YOUR LIFE, BUT I CAN'T HELP HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU. I UNDERSTAND IF YOU WANT TO END IT, PLEASE DON'T SPARE MY FEELINGS. I COULD NOT STAND IT IF YOU JUST WENT ON WITH US OUT OF PITY- I AM SORRY IF THIS IS DIFFICULT FOR YOU BUT I JUST HAD TO TELL YOU HOW I FEEL!" TEARS WERE STREAMING DOWN MY CHEEKS THAT WERE RED WITH SHAME AND EMBARRASSMENT. MARTIN SAID NOTHING, AND I FINALLY BRAVED A LOOK AT HIM. TO MY UTTER ASTONISHMENT, HE WAS CRYING! BIG SILENT TEARS, DRIPPING OFF HIS CHIN! HIS HEAD WAS DOWN, AND HE WAS ABSOLUTELY STILL. I CRIED TO HIM, "DON'T CRY! IT IS OKAY! I NEVER MEANT TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD! I'LL JUST GET OUT AND WELL, I AM SORRY! I AM SO SORRY! PLEASE DON'T CRY!" AS I TURNED TO OPEN THE CAR DOOR, HE GRABBED MY ARM IN A STEELY GRIP. "NO! DON'T GO!" HE WHISPERED WITH SUCH PASSION. "OH, GOD, PLEASE DON'T GO!" I STOPPED AND WHIPPED AROUND TO LOOK AT HIM- THOSE LOVELY GREEN EYES SHIMMERING WITH THOSE TEARS, AND MY HEART JUST BURST! BUT BEFORE I COULD BEGIN TO RAMBLE AGAIN, HE SAID, "FOR JUST ONCE, CAN'T YOU SHUT UP? JUST BE QUIET!" AND HE GAVE ME LITTLE SHAKE. THEN, THOSE LONG ARMS REACHED OUT AND TOOK ME IN A CRUSHING EMBRANCE. "I AM CRYING BECAUSE I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT YOU WOULD CARE FOR ME. I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO BREAK UP WITH ME. YOU HAVE BEEN ACTING FUNNY SINCE YESTERDAY AT CHURCH, AND I DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO THINK. I COULD NOT STAND THE THOUGHT OF LOSING YOU AND I DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. YOU ARE ALL I HAVE EVER WANTED, EVER. THE FIRST TIME I SAW YOU IN THOSE TIGHT WHITE JEANS, I FELL FOREVER IN LOVE. I HAVE BEEN THROUGH HELL THINKING THAT YOU WOULD NOT STAY IN MY LIFE. HOW COULD I HAVE FOUND SOMEONE AS PRECIOUS AS YOU? AND NOW YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME? OH, I CANNOT BELIEVE IT! I LOVE YOU TOO AND DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU! YOU STARTED THIS, AND NOW I AM GOING TO FINISH IT. WE ARE GOING TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER. THAT'S IT. I DON'T BELIEVE THAT TWO PEOPLE WHO LOVE EACH OTHER SHOULD NOT FIGHT FOR THAT LOVE. SO, NO MATTER WHAT, I AM YOURS AND YOU ARE MINE!" AND THEN, HE KISSED ME, AND UNDER HIS BREATH, I HEARD HIM WHISPER, "THANK YOU GOD, THANK YOU". COULD THIS BE REAL? WAS IT POSSIBLE? DID SOMEONE LIKE ME EVER GET SUCH A CHANCE? WE HAD NOTHING BETWEEN US AS FAR AS MATERIAL POSSESSIONS- NO FORMAL EDUCATION, NOTHING TO MAKE SURE A MATURE RELATIONSHIP WOULD WORK, BUT WE HAD THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, WE LOVED EACH OTHER. SO THERE I WAS, A 17 YEAR OLD KID, WORKING MY WAY THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL, AND HAD JUST COMMITTED MYSELF TO FOREVER. I COULD NOT LOOK AT THE FUTURE, I DID NOT CARE. I ONLY HAD THE NOW, AND THAT WAS ENOUGH. TO MY SURPRISE, I SAW THAT WE HAD BEEN SITTING IN THE DRIVEWAY FOR OVER 2 HOURS.. AND THEN I REALIZED THAT I HAD JUST SPENT THE FIRST 2 HOURS OF MY FOREVER. I HAD NEVER BEFORE BEEN SO VERY HAPPY- I HAD NO MORE FEAR, NO MORE LOSS, NO MORE PAIN. I HAD MARTIN. LOVE, NANASEE

A LITTLE FLOWER

THIS MORNING, I WOKE UP WITH A SWEET FEELING, AND HAD TO THINK WHAT CAUSED IT. THEN, SEARCHING MY HEART, I SAW IN MY MIND, A TINY LITTLE FLOWER TRYING TO PEEK OUT OF THE WRECKAGE THAT IS PILED UP REPRESENTING GRIEF AND ANGER. THERE SHE WAS, A LITTLE CORAL COLORED FLOWER, SAYING "HEY, LOOK DOWN HERE! I AM BLOOMING WHERE I AM PLANTED!" GRIEF AND PAIN COULD NOT KEEP HER FROM BREAKING THROUGH AND BLOOMING. FUNNY TOO, WHERE SHE POKED UP HER LITTLE HEAD, EVERYTHING WAS BRIGHT AND BEAUTIFUL WHERE SHE WAS, AND IT MADE ME FEEL SO SWEET. SHE REPRESENTS THE EFFORT AND RESULT OF THE EFFORT I AM TRYING TO MAKE- TO BE POSITIVE AND STRONG. MY SWEET FRIEND AND CHURCH SISTER CALLED TONIGHT, AND WANTED ME TO GO VISITING TEACHING WITH HER. (THIS IS A SPECIAL THING WE MORMON LADIES DO TO VISIT OUR SISTERS AND SEE TO THEIR WELFARE) ANYWAY, I WAS CRYING WHEN SHE CALLED, GRIEF LADY HAD A GRIP ON ME) AND COULD NOT EVEN TALK TO HER. I FEEL BAD ABOUT LETTING HER DOWN, BUT I JUST COULD NOT GO, NOT TO MENTION TALK TO HER. I HOPE TO DO BETTER IN THE NEAR FUTURE, AFTER THE BEST THING TO DO TO HELP YOURSELF FEEL BETTER IS TO DO SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE ELSE. (I HOPE I DIDN'T LET LITTLE FLOWER DOWN, SHE WOULD HAVE WANTED ME TO GO). I DIDN'T CRY FOR LONG, IT IS JUST THAT FOR ONE MOMENT, I FELT THE ABSENT OF BOBBIE JO SO STRONGLY. I FOUND SOMETHING OUT ABOUT HER TODAY, AND I AM AMAZED AT HER COURAGE. SHE DID KNOW THAT SHE WAS GOING TO DIE, ( SHE CLAIMED UP UNTIL THE MOMENT THAT SHE CLOSED HER EYES THAT SHE WOULD MAKE IT) BUT SHE WAS SO WORRIED ABOUT DAD AND I BEING UPSET, SHE KEPT HER ATTITUDE ONE OF BEING POSITIVE THAT SHE WOULD SURVIVE. THERE SHE WAS, IN THE THROES OF A HORRIBLE AFFLICTION, IN PAIN AND BLINDED AND ALL SHE COULD THINK OF WAS HER FAMILY AND TRYING TO SOFTEN THE BLOW OF HER LOSS. I HOPE I CAN DO HONOR TO HER SACRIFICE. SHE DID NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT HER ILLNESS OR HER PAIN, JUST KEPT DOING EVERYTHING SHE COULD TO MAKE US FEEL THAT SHE WOULD SURVIVE. SO, I AM NOT GOING TO DWELL ON HER SUFFERING, BUT ON HER COURAGE. WHAT A LADY! I AM SO PROUD THAT SHE IS MY DAUGHTER, AND I HOPE AND PRAY THAT IF I FIND MYSELF IN SIMILAR CIRCUMSTANCES, (GOD FORBID) THAT I CAN DISPLAY THE SAME GRACE AND COURAGE THAT SHE DID.
NOW, BACK TO THE LOVE STORY! A WEEK AFTER OUR DATE AT SURFSIDE, CAME EASTER. NOW, I HAD HAD A WEEK TO THINK ABOUT MY FEELINGS FOR MARTIN, AND EACH DAY, THEY BECAME STRONGER AND I BECAME MORE AFRAID THAT HE WOULD NOT FEEL THE SAME. BRIGHT AND EARLY ON EASTER SUNDAY, MARTIN PICKED ME UP FOR CHURCH. HE LOOKED SO EXCITED, AND I WONDERED WHAT WAS UP WITH HIM. WHEN WE ARRIVED AT CHURCH, HE GRINNED AT ME AND GAVE ME A LITTLE GIFT. I OPENED IT TO FIND A GOLD AND DIAMOND CROSS PENDANT. IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL I WAS OVERWHELMED, AND THANKED HIM PROFUSELY. IT WAS JUST LIKE HIM TO MAKE A HOLIDAY SPECIAL. WE WENT IN AND SAT IN ONE OF THE PEWS, AND HELD HANDS. SUDDENLY A HUGE PANIC CAME OVER ME, AND I FELT LIKE I WAS GOING TO SUFFOCATE! I DIDN'T KNOW WHY I FELT THAT WAY, BUT I HAD TO GET UP AND LEAVE THE SANCTUARY. I BLINDLY DASHED OUT OF THE ROOM, AND FOUND A STAIRWELL WITH A DOOR. I WENT INTO THE STAIRWELL AND CLOSED THE DOOR. I BEGAN TO PRAY. PRAY FOR CALM, PRAY TO FIND OUT WHY I WAS SO UPSET. THEN, AS MY PRAYERS PROGRESSED, I BEGAN TO VOICE MY FEARS. "HEAVENLY FATHER, I LOVE MARTIN SO MUCH, AND I AM SO AFRAID HE WON'T LOVE ME THE SAME WAY. AFTER ALL, WHAT DO I HAVE TO OFFER HIM? HE DESERVES A WOMAN WHO WILL HELP HIM FULFILL HIS DESTINY- HELP HIM BECOME THE MAN HE DESERVES TO BE. I HAVE NOTHING TO GIVE HIM, I AM POOR, AND FOOLISH- I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO TO BE THE KIND OF WOMAN HE DESERVES." THEN THE THOUGHT CAME TO ME, "HEANVENLY FATHER, IF YOU WILL FIND HIM A WOMAN WHO WILL BE A GOOD WIFE TO HIM, LOVE HIM, MAKE HIM FEEL SPECIAL AND GIVE HIM A FAMILY, IF YOU WILL DO THIS FOR ME, THEN I WILL BECOME A NUN!" NOW, THAT SOUNDED LIKE A GOOD BARGAIN TO ME, SO, I JUST SAT THERE AND THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT I HAD SAID. SUDDENLY, CLEAR AS A BELL, THE THOUGHT CAME TO ME, "THAT IS WHY I SENT HIM TO YOU. YOU ARE THAT WOMAN". OH, NO! I WAS NOT THAT WOMAN. MY TEARS FLOWED COPIOUSLY- AND I SAID OUT LOUD, "NO LORD, NOT ME. I CANNOT DO IT. I DON'T KNOW HOW, AND EVEN IF I DID, I DON'T DESERVE HIM. HE IS TOO GOOD FOR ME". SWEETLY, QUIETLY AND LOVINGLY, THE THOUGHT CAME "YES DAUGHTER, YOU CAN DO IT, YOU WILL DO IT AND YOU DESERVE TO DO IT. YOU ARE THE WOMAN FOR HIM AND HE DESERVES YOU. YOU WILL GIVE HIM JOY AND EVERY WISH HE HAS EVER HAD FOR SOMEONE TO LOVE HIM. LOVE HIM WELL, AND TOGETHER YOU WILL ACHIEVE THINGS BEYOND YOUR IMAGINATION". I WAS SO SURPRISED! THE MESSAGE WAS SO CLEAR! HE WAS MINE! ALL MINE! WHOOPEE! OH, WAIT, WHAT IF HE DOESN'T FEEL THE SAME WAY! OH HECK, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO NOW? HOW AM I GOING TO BREAK THIS TO HIM? AGAIN, THE COMFORTING THOUGHTS FLOWED, "DON'T WORRY, ALL WILL BE WELL". SO, I CALMED DOWN, DRIED MY TEARS, AND TRIED TO CALM MY RACING HEART OF JOY. I COULDN'T DO IT, SO I JUST SKIPPED BACK TO THE SANCTUARY- PLOPPED DOWN NEXT TO HIM AND BEAMED AT HIM. HE WAS WORRIED BECAUSE I HAD BEEN GONE SO LONG, BUT I JUST SQUEEZED HIS HAND AND GRINNED. AND GRINNED AND GRINNED. PROBABLY GIGGLED TOO. HE LOOKED SO CONFUSED AND EVEN SNIFFED MY BREATH!(JUST KIDDING). WELL I HAD INSIDE INFORMATION- AND ALL I HAD TO DO NOW WAS TO FIND A WAY TO BREAK IT TO HIM! MORE TOMORROW ON HOW I DID THAT! LOVE, NANASEE

ONGOING LOVE STORY

YOU SEE, I GUESS I WANTED TO WRITE OUR LOVE STORY, BECAUSE WITHOUT IT THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN NO BOBBIE JO. SO, TO EXPLAIN HOW SHE GOT TO BE WITH US, I WILL CONTINUE TO WRITE OF DAD'S AND MY LIFE TOGETHER AND HOW SPECIAL IT IS.
WHEN LAST I WROTE, I TOLD YOU OF THE WONDERFUL GIFT OF MARTIN'S INTUITION IN KNOWING THAT I WAS ALONE AND NEEDED SOMEONE. NOW, LET ME TELL YOU THAT I WAS NOT IN ANY DANGER, HOWEVER, I WAS WORKING MY WAY THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL BECAUSE I HAD DECIDED AT THE AGE OF 16 TO GO IT ALONE. LOOKING BACK, I REALIZE HOW INCREDIBLY NAIVE I WAS, BUT ALSO STUBBORN AND HAD MORE GUTS THAN SENSE. I SHOULD ADD HERE THAT WHEN I DECIDED TO LEAVE HOME, MY STEP MOM JOIDA, TOOK ME IN HER ARMS AND TOLD ME THAT IF I NEEDED HER, SHE WAS THERE. SHE SAW THAT I NEEDED TO BE OUT IN THE WORLD, AND HAD FAITH ENOUGH TO LET ME GO. SHE BELIEVED IN ME. I NEVER DOUBTED THAT I WOULD BE ALRIGHT, AND SO OFF I WENT. I WAS IN THE 11TH GRADE WHEN I LEFT HOME, AND MET MARTIN IN MARCH OF MY SENIOR YEAR. LET'S CONTINUE. I MET MARTIN ON MARCH 18, 1972. I HAVE ALREADY TOLD YOU HOW I THOUGHT HE WAS THE MOST WONDERFUL THING IN THE WORLD, BUT I HAVE TO SAY THAT I DID NOT HAVE THE SELF ESTEEM TO THINK HE WOULD FEEL THE SAME ABOUT ME. ABOUT 3 WEEKS AFTER WE MET, WE ONCE AGAIN WENT TO THE BEACH. THIS TIME IT WAS NOT GALVESTON, BUT ANOTHER PLACE CLOSE BY NAMED SURFSIDE. IT WAS SPRING BREAK, AND WE WENT TO HAVE A FUN DAY TOGETHER. NOW, WE HAD SPENT A LOT OF TIME TOGETHER, AND LEARNED THAT WE CAME FROM VERY DIFFERENT BACKGROUNDS. WE WERE LEARNING WHO WE WERE, AND THE MORE I LEARNED ABOUT HIM THE MORE I LIKED HIM. THAT PARTICULAR DAY WAS SUNNY, BRIGHT, THE SKY WAS INCREDIBLY BLUE AND WE WERE YOUNG. WE WENT WITH THE SAME COUPLE THAT WENT ON OUR FIRST DAY WITH US, AND AS USUAL, THEY WANTED TO BE ALONE. SO OFF WE WENT. ON THIS DAY, I WAS WEARING A NEW SWIM SUIT THAT I HAD SEWN, AND IT WAS A TWO PIECE. THE TOP WAS VERY LOW CUT, AND I WAS FEELING QUITE SEXY. WHILE WE WERE WALKING, MARTIN LOOKED AT ME AND ASKED IF I WANTED TO SWIM. I SAID, "NO, NOT YET, (ACTUALLY, I WAS KIND OF INTIMIDATED BY HIM, LOOKING SO GOOD IN HIS SWIM TRUNKS, REMEMBER THE LOW SELF ESTEEM THING?) ANYWAY, HE SAID, WELL I'LL JUST TOSS YOU IN THE WATER THEN! I LOOKED AT HIM AND SIZED HIM UP- THEN LAUGHED AND SAID, "WHATEVER BIG BOY, I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY!" (REMEMBER I AM NOT A LITTLE THING, AND ALTHOUGH I WAS NOT HEAVY, STILL I WAS A TALL LARGE GIRL. HE WOULD PROBABLY BREAK HIS BACK) HE DIDN'T SAY ANTHING, JUST THREW ME OVER HIS SHOULDER, AND, WHOOPING LIKE AN INDIAN, RAN TO THE WATER AND TOSSED ME A GOOD 25 FEET INTO THE OCEAN! NOW, THE PROBLEM WITH THIS IS THE LOW CUT SWIM TOP I WAS WEARING. NOT EXPECTING TO BE PICKED UP, WHEN HE THREW ME, MY ARMS FLAILED OUT AND GUESS WHAT POPPED OUT?!!! YES, YOU GUESSED IT, BOTH THE GIRLS WENT FLYING! I AM STILL IN THE AIR WHEN I REALIZED THEY WERE FREE, AND THANK GOODNESS HE WAS STILL IN THE PROCESS OF TURNING AROUND TO SEE HOW FAR I HAD FLOWN- ANYWAY, I SCREAMED, CROSSED MY CHEST WITH MY ARMS, AND UNDER I WENT. HE HEARD MY SCREAM, AND THOUGHT I WAS IN TROUBLE, SO HE, (LIKE TARZAN) CAME RUNNING, DOVE INTO THE WATER AND WAS RACING TO SEE WHAT THE TROUBLE WAS. MY CHOICE WAS, SWIM AND LET THE GIRLS FLOAT, OR KEEP MY CHEST COVERED AND SINK. YOU KNOW HOW THINGS SEEM LIKE THEY GO ON FOREVER WHEN IT IS ONLY A FEW SECONDS? SO, NOW HE IS UP TO WHERE I AM COVERING MY CHEST AND TRYING TO STAY AFLOAT BY KICKING MY LEGS. HE SAID, "OH, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULDN'T SWIM! HERE LET ME HELP YOU!" I JUST STARTED LAUGHING, ( I AM A GREAT SWIMMER) AND TOLD HIM TO TURN HIS BACK TO ME, WHILE I STARTED TUCKING THE GIRLS BACK IN. IT TURNS OUT, HE IS THE ONLY ONE ON THE BEACH WHO DID NOT SEE THE GIRLS POP OUT. THERE WERE PLENTY OF HUMOROUS GLANCES IN OUR DIRECTION- AND I FINALLY TOLD HIM WHAT HAD HAPPENED. HE WAS SO EMBARRASSED FOR ME, BUT I TOLD HIM, "WHAT THE HECK, AT LEAST I HAVE SOMETHING TO POP OUT ON OCCASION!" AFTER THAT, WE GOT OUT OF THE WATER AND BEGAN A STROLL DOWN THE BEACH. WE ACTUALLY WALKED FOR ABOUT AN HOUR, AND THEN DECIDED TO COME ON BACK. WHILE WALKING, IT FELT SO RIGHT BEING WITH HIM, IN HIS SHADOW, UNDER HIS ARM. HIS STRENGTH WAS EMPOWERING FOR ME, AND I FELT SO SECURE. AS WE TURNED TO WALK BACK DOWN THE BEACH, I LOOKED UP AT HIM. HIS HAIR WAS GOLDEN IN THE SUN, HIS EYES A STRIKING GREEN, AND HIS FACE ALIGHT WITH A TENDER LOOK ALL FOR ME. I REACHED UP AND GAVE HIM A LITTLE KISS- AND SOMETHING HAPPENED TO ME. AS I RESTED BACK ON MY FEET, I REALIZED THAT I WAS IN LOVE. SHATTERING LOVE, ETERNAL LOVE, DESPERATELY, GIDDILY, WICKEDLY IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN. THIS TALL GIANT OF A MAN, A MAN FOR WHOM ANY WOMAN WOULD PRAY FOR TO BE IN HER LIFE. WAS THE SUN BRIGHTER? THE WIND FRESHER? THE SEA MORE CRISP? THE SAND WARMER? PERHAPS, BUT IF THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU REALIZE YOU ARE IN LOVE, THEN ALL OF IT WAS TRUE. I REMEMBER CLEARLY THAT AT THAT MOMENT, I DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO, AND SO, I DID SOMETHING THAT UP UNTIL THAT MOMENT IN MY LIFE I HAD NOT HAD MUCH EXPERIENCE WITH. I FELL SILENT. NOT A WORD- JUST SILENT. MY MIND WAS RACING. WHAT DO I DO NOW? DO I JUMP AND YELL FOR JOY? SHOULD I JUST WALK LIKE NOTHING WAS NEW? I DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO, AND SO I JUST SMILED AT HIM. AND FOR THE REST OF THE LONG WALK BACK TO THE CAR, I REALIZED MY LIFE WOULD NEVER BE THE SAME. I HAD FOUND MY LIFE PARTNER (I HOPED) AND WOULD DO EVERYTHING I COULD TO MAKE HIM REALIZE IT. BUT FOR THAT MOMENT IN TIME, I HUGGED MY SECRET TO MY HEART AND TREASURED THE FEELINGS OF LOVE AND COMFORT THAT I HAD NEVER BEFORE KNOWN. MORE TOMORROW, LOVE, NANA

GUILT AND FEAR

I AWOKE THIS MORNING WITH THE REALIZATION THAT I HAVE BEEN CARRYING ABOUT WITH ME TWO COMPANIONS THAT I REALLY NEED TO LEAVE AT THE SIDE OF THE ROAD! THESE GUYS CAN REALLY MESS UP MY LIFE, AND ARE CAUSING ME TO STUMBLE IN MY QUEST TO CONTINUE WITH THE MOST FABULOUS LIFE IMAGINABLE. I HAVE SO MANY BLESSINGS, AND COULD NOT ASK FOR MORE, BUT INSTEAD OF ENJOYING THIS LIFE OF AFFLUENCE, I LIVE WITH FEELINGS THAT REALLY MAKE ME FEEL TERRIBLE.
LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE FIRST ONE. HE SLITHERS IN AND OUT OF MY HEART AND MIND WITH ABANDON. I SAY SLITHERS BECAUSE HE IS LIKE A SERPENT THAT GOES WHEREVER HE WISHES. HE IS COVERED WITH SCALES, AND EACH SCALE IS IMPRINTED WITH MESSAGES THAT ACCUSE ME OF NOT BEING THE BEST KIND OF MOM AND PERSON I COULD HAVE BEEN. THE SCALES ARE SHARP, RENDING AND TEARING THE SOFT FLESH OF MY HEART AS I REMEMBER TIMES AND THINGS THAT PERHAPS I COULD HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY OR BETTER. THE RENDING AND TEARING CAUSE EMOTIONAL PAIN WITH RESULTING PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS. SOME OF THE SCALES SAY THINGS LIKE, "WHY DIDN'T I SPEND MORE TIME WITH HER? OR, WHY COULDN'T I HAVE HELPED HER MORE?." PERHAPS THEY SAY, "YOU WERE IMPATIENT, OR TIRED AND DID NOT WANT TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL ENOUGH". "DID I LOVE HER ENOUGH?" "DID I LET PAST PROBLEMS GET IN THE WAY OF MY COMPASSION AND COMMITMENT?" "WHAT DID I DO THAT BOBBIE JO MADE SOME OF THE CHOICES SHE MADE IN LIFE". 'WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE THAT WOULD HAVE MADE HER MORE HAPPY?" "WAS I TOO SOFT ON HER?" DID I ENABLE HER TO STAY DEPENDENT ON DAD AND I?" AND ON AND ON. EACH QUESTION AND ACCUSATION MAKES ME FEEL ILL AND EVEN WORSE, LETS IN THE OTHER SERPENT, "FEAR".
FEAR TOO, HAS SCALES, BUT THEY ARE WRITTEN WITH IMAGINARY PROBLEMS THAT PIERCE MY MIND. I CALL THESE WRITINGS, "WHAT IFS". THE FEAR SERPENT STRIKES MY MIND WITH SUCH THINGS AS. "WHAT IF I CAN NEVER STOP CRYING FOR MY LOST CHILDREN? WHAT IF I CAN NOT BRING MYSELF TO BE WITH THOSE I LOVE AGAIN, BECAUSE I AM SO AFRAID OF LOSING CONTROL OF MY EMOTIONS AS WE TALK ABOUT BOBBIE JO AND WHAT SHE WENT THROUGH. WHY AM I AFRAID TO LEAVE THE HOUSE? WHAT WILL HAPPEN OUT THERE? WHAT HORRIBLE TRIAL IS NEXT FOR ME? CAN I FACE IT AND OVERCOME IT? WHAT IF I CANT? WHAT IF I START CRYING AND CANNOT STOP? WHAT IF MY ENTIRE FUTURE IS FILLED WITH LOSS? LOSS OF MY HUSBAND? MORE CHILREN OR GRANDCHILDREN? HEALTH? AND WORSE OF ALL, WHAT IF I MAKE BAD CHOICES AND THOSE I LOVE SUFFER FOR THEM?" YES, THIS SERPENT IS VICIOUS, STRIKING AND MAIMING AS HE TEARS AT ME. HOW CAN I BE HAPPY IF I CANNOTLEAVE THESE TWO MONSTERS BEHIND AND BE FREE OF THEM?
BUT THEN I REALIZE THAT "THE MAN WITH THE HOE" (MEANING THE PERSON WITH A GARDEN HOE THAT IS BRAVE ENOUGHT TO CLEAVE OFF THE HEADS OF POISONOUSE SNAKES AS THEY THREATEN SOMEONE), THE MAN WITH THE HOE IS MY SAVIOR, JESUS CHRIST. CALLING UPON MY SAVIOR IS APPROPRIATE IN SO MANY WAYS, AS HE SAVES ME FROM SO MANY THINGS. HE CLEAVES THE HEAD OF THE SERPENT GUILT, AS HE REMINDS ME THAT BECAUSE I PRAYED FOR STRENGTH AND WISDOM, HE GAVE THEM ABUNDENTLY, AND I USED THOSE GIFTS TO DO THE BEST I COULD. I SHOULD NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR ANYTHING IN THE PAST, AS I KNOW BECAUSE I AM A DAUGHTER OF HEAVENLY FATHER, AND FOLLOWED THE COMMANDMENTS, THAT I COULD HAVE DONE NO BETTER. CHOICES MADE BY BOBBIE JO, ARE NOT MY CHOICES. I HAVE NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEM. AND, I COULD ONLY DO AS MUCH AS I COULD DO, AND SINCE I AM NOT GOD I CANNOT CONTROLWHAT OTHERS DO OR DON'T DO. SO, GUILT SERPENT, GO TO HELL WHERE YOU BELONG, AND I SAY, GO TO HELL, BECAUSE SURELY THAT IS WHERE YOU COME FROM, BRINGING YOUR FEELINGS OF DEEP DISPAIR THAT ONLY THOSE TRULY IN HELL CAN FEEL. AND TAKE YOUR SERPENT "FEAR" WITH YOU. HE CANNOT TAKE AWAY THE POSITIVE LOVE AND GIFTS FROM MY HEAVENLY FATHER, ONLY MAKE ME WHERE I CANNOT ENJOY THEM. HE CANNOT CONTROL MY FUTURE, ONLY I CAN, AND I WILL STEP O N HIS HEAD AS SURELY AS I STEP ON ANY OFFENDING CREATURE THAT THREATENS TO ROB ME OF THE JOY AND HAPPINESS THAT IS MINE JUST BECAUSE I AM A DAUGHTER OF MY HEAVENLY FATHER. YES, GO TO HELL YOU CREATURES OF DARKNESS- AND IF BY CHANCE YOU DON'T LISTEN TO ME MY COMMANDS, LET ME CALL UPON MY SAVIOR TO ROUT YOU TO YOUR PROPER DESTINATION. I FIND THAT ONLY SPEAKING THE NAME OF CHRIST GIVES ME POWER AND CONFIDENCE TO FACE THE FUTURE, TO CRY, AND TO KNOW THAT IF I DO, THOSE WHO LOVE ME WILL HAND ME A HANKIE. THOSE W HO LOVE ME CRY TOO- THERE IS NO SHAME IN THAT. I WILL BE FREE OF GUILT AND FEAR. THEY ARE HEAVY BURDENS TO BEAR, BUT I CAN SHAKE THEM OFF. ONCE I AM FREE OF THEM, I FEEL LIGHT AND CAREFREE, AS I DESERVE TO FEEL. YES, I HAVE SO MANY BLESSING AND JOY IN MY LIFE, AND WILL NOT DESTROY THEM BY KEEPING BAD COMPANY. I REALIZE THAT THESE TWO SERPENTS WILL DEMAND ENTRANCE, AND MAY SNEAK IN THE BACK DOOR, BUT ONCE I RECOGNIZE THEM, I CAN BANISH THEM. IT WILL TAKE TIME THOUGH! LOVE, NANASEE

MONDAY WAS A FUNDAY

YES IT WAS! DAD MARTIN TOOK OFF TODAY, HE IS NOT YET READY TO GO BACK TO WORK- AND WE WENT FOR BREAKFAST, SHOPPING AT SAMS AND THEN, WENT AND BOUGHT A FREEZER TO PUT ALL THE GOODIES FROM SAM'S IN! WE CAME HOME AND THEN DID SOMETHING I WAS NOT SURE I COULD DO- PUT BOBBIE JO'S THINGS AWAY. AT FIRST I WAS SO ANGRY, I WAS SLAMMING STUFF THAT WE DID NOT NEED INTO THE TRASH, (YOU KNOW, CEREAL, CRACKERS, )STUFF SHE HAD AT THE HOSPITAL THAT WE NEEDED TO GET RID OF. THEN, I SORTED HER CLOTHES TO WASH, AND TOLD MARTIN I WOULD DONATE THEM IF HE WANTED BUT HE SAID, NO, WE WOULD KEEP EVERYTHING, AS HE WANTED AS MUCH OF HER AS HE COULD HAVE. I HOPE THAT HE WILL ONLY KEEP A FEW THINGS, SHE HAS SO MANY NEW CLOTHES THAT SHE NEVER EVEN WORE, AND THEY WOULD HELP SOMEONE. AFTER A BIT, I BEGAN TO SLOW DOWN AND TOUCH AND LOOK AT HER THINGS, MAKING ME FEEL SO CLOSE TO HER. IT WAS GOOD FOR ME, AND GRIEF LADY DID NOT EVEN SHOW HER FACE! THEN, AFTER ALL THAT, WE WENT TO HAVE DINNER FOR BECKY'S BIRTHDAY! AT DINNER, JAYBIRD ASKED IF HE COULD SPEND THE NIGHT, AND WE WERE SO TICKLED, SO HE CALLED HIS DAD AND HIS DAD SAID YES! WE ARE SO HAPPY TO HAVE HIM, AND TOMORROW, DAD MARTIN AND JAYBIRD WILL GO AND HAVE DONUTS FOR BREAKFAST, BEFORE JAYBIRD HAS TO GO TO SAFETY PATROL. I WISH I HAD MORE TIME TONIGHT, BUT IT IS GETTING LATE, AND THE BOYS HAVE TO GO TO BED! SO, TOMORROW, I WILL TAKE A BIT MORE TIME AND CONTINUE WITH THE LOVE STORY. TILL THEN, LOVE, NANASEE

A NEW SUNDAY

HELLO, IT IS SUNDAY, AND BOY HAS IT BEEN A FULL ONE. FIRST OF ALL, WE GOT UP AT 3:30 AM TO GET OUR NEPHEW DAVID TO THE AIRPORT- HE CAME TO HELP MARTIN WITH THE HOUSE, AND WHILE HE WAS HERE, WE LOST BOBBIE JO. HE HAS BEEN SUCH A HELP, WORKING HARD TO MAKE UP FOR THE TIME WE COULD NOT WORK. HE IS SO SWEET, AND WE ARE SO VERY LUCKY TO HAVE HIM. HE ALSO PAID FOR MARTIN, RUSTY AND HIMSELF TO GO ON A GUIDED FISHING TRIP FOR MARTIN'S BIRTHDAY. ANYWAY, WE LOOK FORWARD TO HIS VISIT NEXT TIME. THEN, DAD MARTIN AND I CAME HOME, FLOPPED INTO BED AND SNORED UNTIL 9:00 AM WHEN WE RUSHED OUT OF THE HOUSE TO DRIVE 28 MILES TO WATCH JAYBIRDS BASEBALL TOURNAMENT. WHAT A GREAT GAME! ONCE AGAIN, JAYBIRD HIT THE SWEET SPOT AND MADE A TRIPLE. DURING THE GAME, I NOTICED THAT DAD MARTIN'S LIPS WERE SWELLING AND GETTING REALLY BIG. HE WAS FEELING PRETTY BAD, AND I REALIZED THAT HE MUST HAVE GOTTEN TOO MUCH SUN WHILE FISHING. SO, WE CAME HOME AND I PUT HIM TO BED. THEN WE REALIZED THAT WE STILL HAD TO GO AND HAVE BIRTHDAY CAKE WITH ROBBY. SO, WE WENT OVER AND HAD CAKE AND ICE CREAM ONCE AGAIN THIS WEEK WITH OUR LOVING FAMILY. TOMORROW, WE GET TO DO IT AGAIN WITH BECKY! I LOVE MARCH. NOW, THIS IS THE LAST SUNDAY THAT I WILL MISS CHURCH. I HAVE REALLY MISSED MY CHURCH FAMILY, AND FROM NOW ON, I WILL HAVE TO MAKE SURE THAT EVERYTHING GETS DONE DURING THE WEEK. OR AFTER CHURCH. IT IS MUCH TOO HARD ON ME TO BE AWAY FROM THE BLESSINGS THAT I GET FROM CHURCH ATTENDANCE. THE ONLY THING, TODAY, DURING THE GAME, WATCHING JAYBIRD, I REALIZED I WAS NOT HAPPY LADY, NOR GRIEVING LADY, BUT GRAY LADY. SHE IS THE ONE WHO IS JUST LIVING, NOT HAPPY, NOR CRYING, JUST LIVING. I CALL HER GRAY LADY, BECAUSE IT SEEMS THAT EVERYTHING IS SO GRAY, NOT MUCH COLOR. I BEGAN TO THINK ABOUT WHY GRAY LADY WOULD APPEAR. AFTER ALL, I HAVE SO MUCH TO BE CHEERFUL ABOUT. SO VERY MUCH. I THINK GRAY LADY EXISTS BECAUSE WE GET IN THE HABIT OF FEELING DEPRESSED JUST BECAUSE. YES, I HAVE LOST MY GIRL- YES I MISS HER, BUT WHY IS IT SO EASY TO CONTINUE TO NURSE THE FEELINGS OF "POOR ME"? I HAVE DECIDED TO LIST ALL MY BLESSINGS TO ASSIST MY MOOD IN BECOMING MORE ELEVATED. I DON'T WANT TO WASTE MY LIFE ALLOWING GRAY LADY TO HOVER. LISTING MY BLESSINGS HAS REALLY HELPED, I ACTUALLY WAS ABLE TO TURN OFF THE TEARS TODAY WHEN I ALLOWED MYSELF TO DWELL TOO MUCH ON THE SADNESS. ANOTHER THING THAT MADE ME FEEL MORE CHEERFUL WAS THINKING ABOUT CONTINUING THE LOVE STORY!
AS I LEFT OFF, WE HAD FINALLY AGREED THAT MARTIN WAS A JACKASS, AND I WAS SASSY! I ASKED HIM TONIGHT IF HE COULD REMEMBER OUR SECOND DATE, AND HE SHEEPISHLY ADMITTED THAT HE COULD NOT. (LETS DON'T TELL HIM I HAD TO ASK BECAUSE I COULD NOT REMEMBER EITHER!) SO, SUFFICE IT TO SAY, WE DID GO OUT, AND AFTER THAT SAW EACH OTHER ALMOST EVERYDAY. ONE DEFINING MOMENT IN OUR RELATIONSHIP CAME AS FOLLOWS. BEFORE I TELL YOU THOUGH, LET ME TELL YOU THAT I WAS WORKING MY WAY THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL AND NOT MAKING MUCH MONEY. SO, I REALLY LOOKED FORWARD TO DATES THAT INVOLVED DINNER. NOW, ON THIS PARTICULAR DATE, MARTIN TOOK ME TO DENNYS. I HAD NOT EATEN ALL DAY, BECAUSE IT WAS SATURDAY AND I HAD TO WORK. I WAS STARVING! ANYWAY, HE HAD GOTTEN PAID, AND MAGNANIMOUSLY TOLD ME "GET ANYTHING YOU WANT!" NOW, I DID NOT WANT HIM TO THINK I WAS A PIG, SO I SAID, "I'LL JUST HAVE A SALAD". "OH NO" SAYS HE, "YOU ARE GOING TO GET A REAL DINNER!" WELL, MY BACK WENT UP, I BECAME KIND OF TICKED BECAUSE I DID NOT WANT HIM TO FEEL SORRY FOR ME AND DID NOT WANT HIM TO ORDER ME AROUND. SO I STRONGLY INSISTED TO THE WAITER, THAT I WOULD HAVE A SALAD THANK YOU! "OKAY"HE SAID, " BUT I'LL HAVE A STEAK AND FRIES WITH TEXAS TOAST". (OH, HECK, A STEAK! FRIES!, TEXAS TOAST!) WHY DID I HAVE TO BE SO STUBBORN?!!! WELL, HERE CAME MY PALTRY SALAD, AND MARTIN SAID HE NEEDED TO BE EXCUSED. GOOD, 'CAUSE WHEN HE LEFT, I ATTACKED THAT SALAD AND THE SPARKS WERE FLYING OFF THE SILVERWARE! THE LETTUCE WAS FLYING OUT OF THE BOWL AND I HAD TO CHASE A CUCUMBER SLICE THAT ESCAPED. I WAS A GOBBLIN' GOOSEY, BELIEVE ME, THAT SALAD WAS WAY TOO SMALL FOR MY APPETITE! SUDDENLY, I FELT A CHILL GOING DOWN MY SPINE. I LOOKED BEHIND ME, AND GOOD HEAVENS, THERE STOOD MARTIN, HIS ARMS CROSSED AND A SCOWL ON HIS FACE. HE WALKED TO STAND IN FRONT OF ME, SAT DOWN, TOOK MY CHIN IN HIS HAND, AND SAID, "YOUR'E HUNGRY! WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO? YOU DON'T HAVE TO HIDE ANYTHING FROM ME!" I GOT SO ANGRY, I SAID, WITH STEEL IN MY VOICE, "I AM NOT HUNGRY! ANYWAY, IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" HE SAID VERY QUIETLY, BUT WITH ALL THE STRENGTH IN THE WORLD, "YOUR'E HUNGRY. I KNOW IT, AND NOT JUST TONIGHT. ALL THE TIME.AND I AM GOING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING LITTLE GIRL, YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO BE HUNGRY AGAIN. NEVER." BY NOW THE TEARS ARE STREAMING DOWN MY FACE, OUT OF MORTIFICATION AND APPRECIATION, BUT MOSTLY WONDER THAT HE COULD BE SO SWEET. THE NEXT THING I KNOW, A HUGE STEAK, FRIES AND TEXAS TOAST ARE PLACED IN FRONT OF ME. "EAT! AND NONE OF YOUR CRAP!" AND SO I ATE. AND ATE. AND WHEN I WAS DONE, I SNITCHED A FRENCH FRY OFF OF HIS PLATE. AND THE NEXT DAY, WHEN I GOT HOME FROM MY JOB, I GOT THE SURPRISE OF MY LIFE! IN MY KITCHEN, THERE WERE SOME NOTES FROM MARTIN. (I DON'T KNOW HOW HE GOT IN). ON THE FRIDGE, THE NOTE SAID, "YOU WILL NOT GO HUNGRY AGAIN!" WHEN I OPENED THE FRIDGE, IT WAS STUFFED WITH FOOD OF ALL SORTS! THE NOTE ON THE CABINETS SAID, "YOU WILL NOT GO HUNGRY AGAIN!" AGAIN,THEY WERE STUFFED. ALL I COULD DO WAS CRY. I WAS NOT WORTHY OF HIM. WHERE DID HE COME FROM ANYWAY? MORE ABOUT THAT LATER, LOVE, NANA

SPRING HAS SPRUNG

SPRING HAS SPRUNG
THE GRASS IS RIZ
I WONDER WHERE
THE FLOWERS IS?

EVERYWHERE! HOW WONDERFUL! I REALIZE THAT IF I HAVE TO EXPERIENCE GRIEF OF THIS MAGNITUDE, AT LEAST I ONLY HAVE TO OPEN MY EYES AND SEE THE GIFTS OF MY HEAVENLY FATHER. TRULY SEEING THE BEAUTY LEAVES NO ROOM FOR THE PAIN OF LOSS. WELL, AT LEAST IT SHOULD NOT LEAVE ROOM, MAYBE WE CROWD GRIEF INTO EVERY SITUATION IF WE TRY HARD ENOUGH. DAD MARTIN COULD NOT SLEEP WELL LAST NIGHT FOR THINKING ABOUT BOBBIE JO. I SOMETIMES FORGET THAT HE TOO, IS SUFFERING. WHY MEN THINK THEY HAVE TO BOTTLE UP EVERYTHING, IS BEYOND ME. DAD MARTIN LOVES ALL OF HIS CHILDREN SO MUCH, AND THIS HAS BEEN SO VERY HARD ON HIM. I WISH I COULD HELP HIM AS HE HAS HELPED ME. HE IS A ROCK, A MOUNTAIN. HE NEEDS TO LEAN ON ME, BUT HE THINKS HE HAS TO PROTECT ME. WELL, I AM TRYING TO PEAK OUT FROM BEHIND HIS WALL OF STRENGTH, AND STAND ON MY OWN. EVERYONE THINKS I AM DOING SO WELL, AND I GUESS I AM, BUT NOT WITHOUT THE SUPPORT AND STRENGTH OF MY SWEETHEART.
NOW, FOR MORE OF THE LOVESTORY. AFTER BEING TAKEN HOME THAT WONDERFUL AND MAGICAL NIGHT, I RECEIVED A SWEET KISS AND A THANK YOU FOR A WONDERFUL EVENING. MARTIN SAID, "I HOPE TO SEE YOU AGAIN" AND LEFT. WELL, I HOPED TO SEE HIM TOO, AND ASSUMED HE WOULD CALL ME THE NEXT DAY. NO CALL. MONDAY CAME, NO CALL. I AM STARTING TO WONDER- WELL, TUESDAY, NO CALL. SHOOT. COULD HE REALLY BE A PART OF THE JIMENY CRICKET CLUB?? FINALLY FRIDAY CAME, WITH NO CALL, AND I HAVE ALL BUT WRITTEN HIM OFF- AFTER ALL I GUESSED HE WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. I CAME HOME FROM WORK, AND THERE IT WAS! A NOTE ON THE DOOR SAYING, "PLEASE DON'T MAKE ANY PLANS, I WANT TO SEE YOU TOMORROW. YOU FORGOT TO GIVE ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER. HERE IS MINE". WHOOPEE! I KNEW THERE WAS A REASON I HAD NOT HEARD FROM HIM! SO, BRIGHT AND EARLY ON SATURDAY, I PUT ON THE "COOL ME" AND DIALED THE NUMBER. IT WAS HIS PLACE OF WORK, A HARDWARE STORE. "IS MARTIN THERE? " I SWEETLY ASK. "" MARTIN!!!! SOME GIRL ON THE PHONE-"HE YELLS. I WAIT. "HELLO' SAYS THE MOST WONDERFUL VOICE IN THE WORLD. "HELLO MARTIN-THIS IS JODIE" I SAY I MY MOST INVITING VOICE. "WHO?" HE SAYS. (WHAT DO YOU ME WHO? YOU BUFFOON" I THINK TO MYSELF. "IT'S JODIE, YOU KNOW THE GIRL YOU WENT OUT WITH LAST WEEK?" "WHICH ONE" HE SAYS. I SLAM DOWN THE PHONE. HE WILL CALL BACK. I KNOW IT. I WAIT. 5 MINUTES. SO I CALL HIM BACK. "MAY I SPEAK TO MARTIN?" "MARTIN, SOME GIRL IS ON THE PHONE FOR YOU!!!" YELLS THE GUY. "HELLO" SAYS MARTIN. "HELLO MARTIN IT'S JODIE AGAIN. YOU LEFT ME A NOTE TELLING ME TO CALL YOU. SO I CALLED." "DID I LEAVE YOU A NOTE? WHEN? HE SAYS. I SLAM DOWN THE PHONE. "PIG", I SAY TO MYSELF. WELL HE WILL CALL BACK. I WAIT, NO CALL. 5 MINUTES, I CALL HIM BACK. THE SAME OLD ROUTINE FROM THE GUY WHO ANSWERS. MARTIN COMES TO THE PHONE. IT'S ME, JODIE. YOU LEFT ME A NOTE, AND I CALLED YOU LIKE YOU SAID. YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO SEE ME. SO WHAT'S THE DEAL? DID YOU WANT TO GO OUT WITH ME OR WHAT?" (MEANING, WAS HE ASKING ME OR WHAT?) MR. SMART JIMENY CRICKET SAID, "SURE, GLAD YOU ASKED!" I SLAMMED DOWN THE PHONE. FORGET IT. HE IS A JERK, HE DOESNT EVEN LIKE FUDGE. THEN I REMEMBER, HE CAN'T CALL BACK, HE DOESN'T HAVE MY NUMBER. SO, I CALL BACK, GO THROUGH THE RIGAMAROLE, AND HE IS BACK ON THE PHONE. HE SAYS" YOD DIDN'T GIVE ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER, SO I COULD'NT CALL YOU BACK. SO, I AM GLAD YOU CALLED, BECAUSE I WANTED TO TAKE YOU OUT. BUT YOU KEPT HANGING UP ON ME BEFORE I COULD TELL YOU I WAS TEASING YOU." OH JIMENEY CRICKET. GREAT IMPRESSION I MADE. BUT HE LOVES IT, SAYS HE LOVES A "SASSY WOMAN". WELL GOOD, 'CAUSE THAT IS WHAT I AM! TOMORROW, I WILL TELL YOU OF THE DATE WE HAD THAT NIGHT. THIS IS SO MUCH FUN FOR ME, AS I RECALL THESE HAPPY MOMENTS IN OUR LIVES. THANKS FOR SHARING! LOVE, NANASEE

MORE OF THE LOVE STORY

OKAY, YESTERDAY I WENT SHOPPING WITH BECKY TO A FABULOUS DESIGNER OUTLET- LET ME TELL YOU THAT MOST OF THEM WERE NOT WORTH THE TRIP. MY IDEA OF A GOOD BARGAIN IS THE CLEARANCE SECTION AT WAL MART, SO WHEN I SAW HANDBAGS AS MUCH AS 900.00- WHAT THE JIMENEY CRICKET! THAT IS A BARGAIN? EVEN THE FOOD COURT WAS OVERPRICED- HOWEVER!!!!! I FORCED MYSELF (IT DIDN'T TAKE MUCH) INTO THE COACH OUTLET, AND I SPLURGED. THAT IS ALL I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT! TODAY IS DIFFERENT. GRIEF LADY IS MANIFESTING HERSELF IN VICIOUS WAYS.. FOR ONE THING, MY STOMACH IS CONTINUOUSLY UPSET. HEARTBURN, THEN NAUSEA, AND FOR A BRIEF SHINING MOMENT, HUNGER, WHICH, WHEN I APPEASE, CAUSES HEARTBURN AND NAUSEA ONCE AGAIN. I GOT A MAJOR CASE OF IT WHEN I PASSED THE SLEEPWEAR AT WALMART, I BOUGHT SO MANY GOWNS FOR BOBBIE JO AS SHE WOULD SOIL THEM, AND I WANTED HER TO HAVE SOMETHING FRESH AND NICE EVERY DAY. I PASSED THE CUTE LITTLE SUMMER CLOTHES, AND THOUGHT, "HOW SWEET SHE WOULD LOOK IN THAT". ONCE AGAIN, GRIEF LADY TRIED TO CLAW HER WAY TO THE SURFACE. I AM TRYING TO BE POSITIVE AND LET CALM LADY STAY IN PLACE, BUT IT IS HARDER THAN I THOUGHT. AS I WRITE, MY TEARS FALL, I MISS HER- AND I AM AFRAID. I AM AFRAID THAT I WILL ALWAYS FEEL LIKE THIS, THAT EVERYTHING WILL BATTER ME AND MAKE ME SAD. GRIEF LADY IS VERY CLOSE TO THE SURFACE, BUT SHE CANNOT WIN, AS I HAVE TOO MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR. SO, TO MAKE HER GO AWAY, LET ME WRITE OF MORE OF THE LOVE STORY.
AFTER WE DROVE TO GALVESTON, (REFERENCE THE BLOG ON MARCH 18) MARTIN AND I REALIZED THAT THE OTHER COUPLE WANTED SOME ALONE TIME. IT WAS AN AWKWARD MOMENT, SO I SUGGESTED THAT WE WALK ALONG THE BEACH FOR AWHILE. (GOOD THING TOO, BECAUSE WE HADN'T GONE FAR, AND I NOTICED THAT THE CAR WAS EXPERIENCING SOME REAL ACTION). NOW AS BEFORE MENTIONED, I WAS SO AMAZED AT THE FACT THAT MARTIN WAS EVERYTHING I WANTED IN A MAN. HE WAS TALL, BLONDE HAIR, GREEN EYES, AND A CARING ATTITUDE. OH, AND DID I MENTION THE CUTE MUSTACHE? SO, I AM A BIT INTIMIDATED, NOT KNOWING THAT HE IS TERRIFIED OF ME. WE STROLL ALONG THE BEACH, THE WAVE TEASING THE BOTTOM OF MY BELL BOTTOM JEANS, AND BY THE WAY, LEAVING SAND IN THE HEM SOMEHOW. IT WAS GETTING DARK, THE LIGHTS WERE COMING OUT, THE WAVES GENTLY CRASHING, AND US WALKING WITHOUT SAYING MUCH. THE MOMENT WAS RIGHT FOR: YOU KNOW, THE FIRST: WELL IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN A KISS, BUT I TURNED WHEN HE SWOOPED AND UNFORTUNATLY, HE MISSED MY LUCIOUS LIPS AND MY SNOUT LANDED SQUARELY IN HIS MOUTH. (REMEMBER, HE IS TALLER THAN ME). I CANNOT DESCRIBE THIS MOMENT CLEARLY, EXCEPT TO SAY, THAT I WAS SO EMBARRASSED! HE WAS MORTIFIED TOO, AND WE JUST TOOK A FEW SECONDS TO COLLECT OURSELVES, AND THEN, BEFORE HE COULD SAY OR DO ANYTHING, I SAID, "PUCKER UP BIG BOY, I AIN'T MISSING THIS OPPORTUNITY!" I YANKED HIS HEAD DOWN AND PLANTED A WHOPPER PROPERLY ON HIS LIPS. WELL, THE POOR THING, I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO HAVE A STROKE- AND THEN HE GRINNED AND SAID, "ARE THERE MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM?" I SAID, "MAYBE, IF YOU THINK YOU CAN LAND ONE". HE DID LAND ONE, JUST RIGHT, AND THEN, I GUESS THE RESPECT THING CAME BACK INTO PLAY, BECAUSE, HE TOOK MY HAND AND WE WALKED BACK TO THE CAR. THE OTHER COUPLE HAD FINISHED THEIR EXCERCISE- SO WE GOT INTO THE CAR AND DROVE BACK TO HOUSTON. I WAS HOPING HE WOULD WANT TO SEE ME AGAIN, BUT, DEAR READER, THAT IS FOR ANOTHER BLOG. WELL, LOOK, GRIEF LADY HAS BACKED OFF! WRITING OF THAT SWEET MEMORY HAS GIVEN ME JOY. IF YOU CAN STAND IT, I WILL CONTINUE TO WRITE THE LOVE STORY WHEN THE PAIN HITS. LOVE, NANASEE

BIRTHDAY CAKE

IT'S FUNNY THAT I AM BLOGGING THE NEXT DAY ABOUT THE DAY BEFORE, BUT IT SEEMS TO BE EASIER FOR ME WITH ALL THE COMMOTION. ANYWAY, YESTERDAY, WAS SO MUCH FUN, IN SPITE OF THE FACT THAT IT WAS THE DAY AFTER THE FUNERAL. I AM COMING TO BELIEVE THAT AT THIS TIME THERE ARE TWO PARTS OF ME, THE ONE THAT IS GRIEVING AND THE ONE THAT IS TRYING TO FIND LIFE AGAIN. THE ONE THAT IS TRYING TO FIND LIFE AGAIN, WENT TO BREAKFAST WITH LIBBIE AND AUNT CHERYL YESTERDAY MORNING, WE TALKED , ATE AND LAUGHED LIKE THREE WOMEN WHO JUST LOVE TO BE TOGETHER. THEN, WE WENT TO HOBBY LOBBY, AND AGAIN HAD SUCH A GOOD TIME. CHERYL IS MAKING BABY BLANKETS FOR LIBBIE- THE SPIRIT OF BOBBIE JO WAS THERE, I KNOW BECAUSE I KEPT THINKING THAT WE SHOULD HURRY, (BOBBIE JO HATES HOBBY LOBBY AND ALWAYS HURRIED ME OUT OF THERE), AND THEN I REALIZED I DID NOT HAVE TO HURRY, BECAUSE I WAS THERE WITH MY LOVED ONES WHO LOVE HOBBY LOBBY. CONFUSING? NOW YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ABOUT BEING TWO PEOPLE RIGHT NOW. WE THEN WENT AND BOUGHT A BIRTHDAY CAKE FOR DAD MARTIN, AND TWO NUMBER 5 CANDLES FOR IT. LATER, THE MEN (DAD MARTIN, RUSTY, LIBBIE'S HUSBAND AND DAVID, CHERYL'S SON) CAME HOME FROM A DAY LONG FISHING TRIP. ACTUALLY, THEY ASKED US TO MEET THEM FOR DINNER, (COINCIDENTALLY AT THE SAME RESTAURANT WE HAD EATEN BREAKFAST AT), AND SO OFF WE WENT AGAIN. SUDDENLY, I WAS JUST SO SAD, AND STARTED TO CRY. THE GRIEF WAS SO DEEP, SO RAW, AND I FELT THE TEARS COMING FROM AS DEEP AS MY TOES. I COULDN'T STOP. THE WORLD DID NOT EXIST ANY MORE FOR ME, JUST THE PAIN. THE OTHER WOMAN WAS OUT. THE WOMEN WERE WORRIED FOR ME, BUT I JUST KEPT SOBBING," I WILL BE OKAY" OVER AND OVER. FINALLY, WHEN WE GOT TO THE RESTAURANT, I PULLED IT TOGETHER. THE FUN LADY TRIED TO COME OUT, BUT SHE WAS JUST AN ACT. THE GRIEF LADY WAS IN CONTROL. NO TEARS, BUT ROBOTIC RESPONSES. THEN, WE HAD TO GO AND BLOW OUT BIRTHDAY CANDLES AT JESSICAS HOUSE. NOW, GRIEF LADY TOOK FULL CONTROL, BUT NOT OUTWARD SOBBING, JUST QUIET HMMPHING,OVER AND OVER. I DID NOT KNOW HOW MANY TEARS I COULD SHED. JUST COPIOUS AMOUNTS, SOAKING PAPER TOWELS ONE AFTER THE OTHER. I COULD NOT HAVE A BIRTHDAY PARTY WITHOUT BOBBIE JO. SOMEONE HAD TO GRIPE ABOUT HOW THE ICE CREAM SHOULD BE SERVED. AND "WHO BOUGHT A CAKE? I MEAN SERIOUSLY? A BOUGHT CAKE?" THAT WOULD BE SACRILIGE IN HER MIND FOR SURE. OH GOSH, THERE IS MUCH I WILL HAVE TO GET USED TO, BUT I HOPE GRIEF LADY IS SHORT LIVED. I HAVE ONLY TO PICK UP THE PHONE TO GET LOVE AND HELP. STILL, WHERE IS THAT SKINNY GRIPING VIRAGO THAT WAS SUCH A PART OF ALL OF OUR LIVES? OH AND THE SAME SKINNY GRIPING VIRAGO THAT MADE SURE THAT EVERYONE HAD COOKIES AT THE GAME, OR THAT THE NEIGHBORS WERE FED IF NEEDED? THIS MORNING, HAPPY WOMAN IS OUT. I AM GOING TO SPEND THE DAY WITH BECKY. SHE TOOK THE DAY OFF BECAUSE SHE WAS WORRIED WHEN GRIEF LADY WAS OUT LAST NIGHT. WE ARE GOING ON A ROAD TRIP FOR THE DAY. WATCH THE MILES GO BY, AND SEE THE BLUEBONNETS. DO WHATEVER WE WANT. I AM LEAVING GRIEF LADY AT HOME. GRIEF LADY CAN GO TO JIMENY CRICKET FOR ALL I CARE. I HOPE I NEVER SEE HER AGAIN, UNFORTUNATELY, I AM SURE SHE WILL TRY TO PEEK THROUGH, BUT I FOUND THAT WITH PRAYER LAST NIGHT, I WAS ABLE TO BANISH HER- AND EVEN ATE A PIECE OF BIRTHDAY CAKE! (A CORNER PIECE OF COURSE, WITH LOTS OF CORNER ICING!) THAT IS THE ANSWER YOU KNOW, PRAYER. CALL UPON THE SPIRIT TO OVERCOME GRIEF LADY. SHE WILL NOT SUCCEED IN MAKING MY BEAUTIFUL LIFE BLEAK. IT IS SPRING, IT IS A NEW DAY, THERE IS LOVE, THERE IS DEVOTION, THERE IS FAMILY AND THERE ARE LOVING FRIENDS. I AM SORRY GRIEF LADY, YOU HAVE NO PART IN THAT WONDERFUL LIFE, LOVE, NANASEE

A BRIGHTER DAY

TODAY IS A BRIGHTER DAY FOR ME BECAUSE OF A COUPLE OF REASONS. FIRST, I SURVIVED BOBBIE JO'S FUNERAL WITHOUT PUTTING A .38 TO MY HEAD-(JUST KIDDING, I DON'T OWN A .38) AND SECONDLY, IT IS DAD MARTIN'S BIRTHDAY! WHY SO EXCITED OVER A BIRTHDAY? WELL, I MET HIM EXACTLY 37 YEARS AGO TODAY! (I WAS HIS BIRTHDAY PRESENT!) HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED. SIX MONTH BEFORE TODAY, IN 1971, MARTIN SAW ME STANDING OUTSIDE AT HIGH SCHOOL, WEARING THESE TIGHT WHITE (BRADY BUNCH STYLE) JEANS. HE THOUGHT I WAS CUTE, BUT DIDN'T HAVE THE GUTS TO SAY SO. SO, HE ASKED MY FRIENDS TO SEE IF I WOULD GO OUT WITH HIM. UNFORTUNATLY, THE FRIEND ASKING ME SAID THAT MARTIN WAS HIS BROTHER AND THIS PARTICULAR FRIEND WAS THE KING OF THE PINTAS (PAIN IN THE JIMENY CRICKETS) AND I DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH A RELATIVE OF HIS! OFF AND ON, THE REQUESTS CONTINUED, AND ME BEING THE POLITE THING I AM AND NOT WANTING TO HURT ANYONE'S FEELINGS, JUST LIED RIGHT OUT AND SAID THAT I WAS DATING SOMEONE. (NOT TOO SMART, AS THE FRIENDS GIRLFRIEND AND I WERE BEST FRIENDS), BUT FINALLY, SIX MONTHS LATER, MARCH CAME AND THE BEGGING BEGAN. "HIS BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP" SAID THE FRIEND, "COME ONE, JUST ONE DATE, OKAY, LETS MAKE IT A DOUBLE DATE. JUST COME ON!" HIS BIRTHDAY, HMMMM- OKAY, I'LL BE BENEVOLENT, AND GIVE HIM SOME OF MY TIME. SO, THE BIG DAY COMES, AND I SPEND THE AFTERNOON, FIXING MY MARCIA BRADY HAIR JUST SO, AND BY COINCIDENCE, WEARING THE SAME TIGHT WHITE JEANS HE HAD FIRST SEEN ME IN. I MADE A BATCH OF FUDGE FOR HIS BIRTHDAY, FROM SCRATCH, BECAUSE HOW COULD ANYONE RESIST HOMEMADE FUDGE? WHEN THE CAR DROVE UP, HE WAS SITTING IN THE BACK SEAT. I MADE THE GRAND ENTRANCE, FLIPPING MY MARCIA BRADY HAIR AND SAYING " HELLO, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, I MADE SOME FUDGE FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY!" I THEN SAT DOWN NEXT TO HIM, SIZED HIM UP AND HEARD, "I DON'T LIKE FUDGE". WHAT????? DOESN'T LIKE FUDGE? GREAT, GREAT START TO A (I AM SURE) SUPER DATE. (HOW LONG IS A PROPER BLIND DATE ANYWAY?) IT WAS DARK IN THE CAR, SO I AM SITTING NEXT TO A GUY, WHO, FOR ALL I KNOW IS A MUNCHKIN, AND PUTTING ON MY BEST CAROL BRADY MANNERS, (BY THE WAY FOR YOU VERY YOUNG FOLK, I AM REFERRING TO THE BRADY BUNCH WHO WERE VERY POPULAR DURING THE '70'S). WELL, WE ARE OFF TO GALVESTON TO WALK ON THE BEACH. DURING THE TRIP, WE STOP AT ANOTHER FRIENDS HOUSE FOR SOMETHING, AND THE GUY WHO LIVED THERE, CAME UP TO THE CAR AND ASKED US IF WE WANTED "SOME WEED". (MARIJUANA FOR YOU YOUNG FOLK). THE NEXT THING I KNOW, THE BACK DOOR BURST OPEN, MARTIN JUMPED OUT, (ALL 6'5 OF HIM) GRABBED THE GUY BY THE THROAT AND TOLD HIM HE WAS GOING TO SHOVE THAT WEED DOWN HIS THROAT AND ANYTHING ELSE HE COULD FIND- WHAT THE JIMENY CRICKET WAS HE THINKING BRINGING DRUGS AROUND HIS DATE? I ALMOST DIED. THERE HE STANDS, A 6'5 ADONIS, BLOND HAIR, GREEN EYES, AND A DRUG DEALER DANGLING FROM HIS HAND. THAT'S MY MAN FOR SURE! AS WE SEE THE BACKSIDE OF SAID DRUG DEALER RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE, MARTIN LOOKS INTO THE CAR AND SAYS, "I AM SORRY YOU HAD TO SEE THAT, BUT HE WAS NOT SHOWING ANY RESPECT FOR YOU". WELL, I AM IN LOVE. THAT'S IT, IN LOVE! KISS ME BIG BOY, (BUT I GUESS THAT WOULD NOT BE SHOWING ANY RESPECT FOR ME EITHER. BY THE WAY, HOW LONG WILL I HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL IT IS SHOWING ME RESPECT?) IN FUTURE BLOGS, I WILL TELL YOU HOW THIS LOVE STORY PROGRESSES, BUT FOR NOW, LET ME SAY THAT THERE IS SUCH A THING AS LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT, (OR AT LEAST AFTER BEING INSULTED OVER A PLATE OF FUDGE AND THEN SEEING YOUR MAN DEFEND YOU OVER AN OFFER OF WEED). TILL TOMORROW, ENJOY YOUR NEW DAY, EVERYMOMENT YOU HAVE, BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MANY YOU WILL HAVE. LOVE, NANASEE

33 YEARS,20 DAYS, 6 HOURS, 55 MINUTES

THAT IS THE TIME I HAD WITH BOBBIE JO. I CERTAINLY EXPECTED MUCH MORE TIME THAN THIS. I USED TO THINK THAT IT WOULD BE AN AWFUL SITUATION FOR ME IF I HAD TO LIVE WITH HER WHEN I WAS OLD, AS SHE WOULD BE A BULLDOG ABOUT EVERYTHING I DID. THAT DOES NOT MEAN SHE WOULD NOT HAVE CARED FOR ME, JUST HAVE BEEN VERY OPININATED AS TO WHAT I WOULD HAVE BEEN ALLOWED TO DO. WELL, IT'S A MOOT POINT NOW. I EXPECTED TO GROW OLD, WATCHING HER GROW OLD, WATCHING HER SON GROW OLDER. I TOOK SO MUCH FOR GRANTED. I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD HAVE BEEN BURYING MY DAUGHTER TODAY. THE FUNERAL WAS BEYOND MY IMAGINATION FOR SO MANY REASONS. FIRST OF ALL, THERE WERE SO MANY LOVING PEOPLE, SOME I HAVE NOT SEEN IN MANY YEARS. THAT DID NOT MATTER, THE MANTLE OF DISTANCE FELL IMMEDIATLY AWAY, AND ONCE AGAIN, WE WERE THE SAME LOVING FRIENDS AND FAMILY AS IF WE HAD NOT BEEN PARTED AT ALL. THEN, THE STRENGTH OF MY LITTLE JAYBIRD. HE WAS SO STRONG. WHEN I WAS TEARFUL, HE ASKED MY WHY I WAS CRYING. I TOLD HIM I WAS SAD- HE TOLD ME, "OKAY NANA, BUT EVERYTHING IS ALRIGHT". THE TALKS GIVEN BY SISTER MALLEY, AND SISTER BUTLER, TOUCHED THE DEEPEST PART OF MY SOUL. THE WORDS OF ETERNAL LIFE, LIFTED ME UP. I REALIZED THAT I DID TEACH BOBBIE JO ALL THAT I KNEW ABOUT RIGHTEOUSNESS, AND SHE COULD MAKE HER CHOICES BASED ON THOSE TEACHINGS. HER CHOICES WERE HERS ALONE. SISTER MALLEY SAID "BOBBIE JO WAS AN OBEDIENT CHILD IN PRIMARY AND OBEYED HER PARENTS" ( I SWEAR, I HEARD A HOOT, OR EVEN SEVERAL) AS WE ALL KNOW THAT BOBBIE JO WAS NOT AFRAID TO DO OR SAY WHAT EVER SHE WANTED. SHE WAS A GOOD CHILD THOUGH, ALWAYS WANTING TO BE THE PEACEMAKER. AS SHE GOT OLDER, SHE BEGAN TO EXERT HER FEELINGS IN VERY STRONG WAYS, BUT THAT ONLY GOES TO SHOW THAT SHE WAS CONFIDENT. AND HEAVEN FORBID YOU SHOULD STEP ON THE TOES OF SOMEONE SHE LOVED! SHE ALWAYS FOUGHT FOR WHAT SHE THOUGHT WAS RIGHT. NOW, THIS GOT HER IN LOTS OF TROUBLE LOTS OF TIMES. BUT STILL SHE WOULD NOT BACK DOWN. LISTENING TO THOSE SPEAKING ABOUT HER AND ETERNAL LIFE, I REALIZED THAT THAT SAME CONFIDENCE SHE HAD HERE ON EARTH, WOULD SERVE HER WELL IN HEAVEN WHEN SHE IS TEACHING OTHERS. SHE WILL BE A FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH IN HEAVEN. SHE WILL HELP MANY UNDERSTAND THE LOVE THAT HEAVENLY FATHER HAS FOR THEM, AND THE PLAN OF SALVATION. SHE WILL HAVE NO ANGER TO HOLD HER BACK, BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN ABLE TO LEARN TO FORGIVE. FORGIVE THOSE WHO HAVE HURT HER. FORGIVE THOSE WHO DID NOT UNDERSTAND HER. FORGIVE THOSE WHO CAUSED HER PAIN BECAUSE THEY WERE NARROW MINDED. FORGIVE THOSE WHO COULD NOT HELP HER EXTEND HER LIFE IN SUCH A TREMENDOUS STRUGGLE. SO MUCH TO FORGIVE, BUT SHE CAN AND WILL DO IT. HOW DO I KNOW THIS? I SAW HER EVOLVE DURING THE 76 DAYS THAT SHE WAS ILL FROM A WOMAN WITH THE CARES OF LIFE ON HER MIND TO BECOME A WOMAN WITH THE CARES OF OTHERS ON HER MIND. SHE BECAME SO MUCH CLOSER TO HEAVENLY FATHER, AND HAD MUCH MORE INSIGHT. I USED TO ASK HER WHAT SHE WAS THINKING ABOUT, AND SHE WOULD TELL ME, "JUST STUFF". I GUESS THAT "STUFF" WAS THE STUFF OF SPIRITUAL GROWTH AND UNDERSTANDING. SHE WAS NEVER AFRAID, (AT LEAST NOT THAT I COULD TELL). SHE HAD GUTS. WELL, THAT WILL SERVE HER WELL WHERE SHE IS NOW. SO MANY MISS HER ALREADY. WHAT A HUGE HOLE SHE HAS LEFT BEHIND. I AM THANKFUL FOR MEMORIES. ONE THING THAT STANDS OUT IN MY MIND ABOUT TODAY, ABOUT THIS FUNERAL EXPERIENCE, IS JAYBIRD, WHEN HE ACTED AS PALL BEARER FOR HIS MOM. I ASKED HIM IF THE CASKET WAS HEAVY FOR HIM. HE SAID, "NO, I LET THEM (THE OTHERS) DO ALL THE WORK AND I JUST MADE IT LOOK EASY." HE SURE DID. I WILL NEVER FORGET THE SIGHT OF THAT LITTLE BOY TAKING THE HANDLE ON HIS MAMA'S CASKET AND CARRYING IT OUT OF THE FUNERAL HOME. STRONG, STOIC AND BRAVE. THAT IS THE STUFF A LITTLE BOY OF FAITH IS MADE OF. LOVE, NANASEE

A VERY LONG DAY

THIS IS THE LAST DAY BEFORE WE BURY OUR GIRL. IT HAS BEEN A LONG WEEKEND AND TODAY HAS BEEN A LONG DAY. IT SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE THAT WE ACTUALLY HAVE TO DO THIS, IT SEEMS SHE HAS JUST BEEN GONE ON VACATION. WILL I FEEL THE END TOMORROW WHEN WE COVER HER WITH EARTH? OR WILL IT STILL BE JUST WAITING FOR HER TO RETURN? I KEEP TRYING TO FEEL HER SPIRIT, I KNOW SHE IS NOT GONE, BUT FOR NOW, I CANNOT FEEL ANYTHING- IT WAS THE SAME WHEN OTTO LEFT US. THEN, ONE DAY, I KNEW HE WAS CLOSE BY, AND HAS BEEN EVER SINCE. SHE IS BUSY CHECKING IN. I LOVE THE WAY THE BISHOP REFERS TO IT AS "TRANSFER DAY". CERTAINLY SHE HAS TRANSFERRED FROM HERE TO THERE- IT IIS A CONTINUATION. SO- I WOKE THIS MORNING AND THE WHOLE FAMILY WENT AGAIN AND HAD BREAKFAST TOGETHER. THESE ARE MOMENTS THAT I CHERISH- DAD MARTIN TOOK THE BABIES AND THE LITTLE ONES OUTSIDE TO LOOK AT THE DUCKS THAT LIVE IN THE BACK OF THE RESTAURANT PROPERTY. MARIE DECIDED THAT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO TAKE SOME LEFTOVER BISCUITS AND WAFFLES TO FEED THE DUCKS. NEXT THING WE KNOW, THERE WERE DOZENS OF SEA GULLS FLYING AROUND! OH OH, SAID AARON, SOMEONE IS GOING TO GET JIMENY CRICKETED ON! WE LAUGHED AND WATCHED TO SEE IF HIS PREDICTION WOULD COME TRUE. THEN, DAD MARTIN, COUSIN DAVID AND AUNT CHERYL AND I WENT TO BMARTIN'S HOUSE TO FIND PICTURES OF BOBBIE JO TO SCAN FOR THE DIGITAL PHOTO FRAME TO BE DISPLAYED AT THE FUNERAL DINNER. I BEGAN A TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE, LOOKING AT ALL THE P ICTURES OF HER LIFE, AND SOON, MY HEART BEGAN TO HURT AND THE TEARS BEGAN TO FALL. DAVID JUST PUT HIS ARMS AROUND ME, AND SAID TENDERLY, "AUNT JODIE, I KNOW WHAT TO DO-", AND THEN, "UNCLE BUBBA, GET A PILL! AUNT JODIE NEEDS A HAPPY PILL!" GIVE ME A HAPPY PILL AND 10 MINUTES, AND THE WORLD RIGHTS ITSELF ONCE AGAIN. WE FOUND SOME GREAT PICTURES, AND I REALIZED THAT THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO BOBBIE JO THAN JUST A TERRIBLE ILLNESS. I CAME HOME AND TOOK A NAP, WOKE UP TO DAD YELLING, "LETS GO, WE ARE GOING TO BE LATE!" WE GO EVERY YEAR TO THE MONUMENT INN TO CELEBRATE THE MARCH BIRTHDAYS IN THE FAMILY. IT IS ON THE HOUSTON SHIP CHANNEL JUST DOWN FROM THE MONUMENT THAT COMMEMORATED THE VICTORY AT SAN JACINTO- WHEN TEXAS WON IT'S FREEDOM. IT IS A VERY SPECIAL PLACE FOR US AND EACH YEAR, WE GO TO THIS RESTAURANT TO HAVE A SEAFOOD DINNER. TODAY WAS THE DAY. THE SPECIAL IS AN ALL YOU CAN EAT SEAFOOD DINNER, AND THE MEN COMPETE TO SEE WHO CAN EAT THE MOST. THEY SERVE BOILED SHRIMP, FRIED SHRIMP, CATFISH, OYSTERS, (ONCE MARTIN ATE 6 RAW OYSTERS AND ONLY 2 WORKED) FRIED OYSTERS, STUFFED CRAB, FRENCH FRIES AND ROLLS. YOU CAN EAT UNTIL YOU POP IF YOU WANT, AND THE TABLE RINGS WITH MALE VOICES PROCLAIMING, "THAT WAS 3 DOZEN OYSTERS FOR ME! OR I JUST FINISHED 6 DOZEN BOILED SHRIMP!" THE WOMEN CRINGE AT THIS CULENARY MARVEL, FOR WE KNOW THAT WE WILL BE MISERABLE IF WE WERE TO TRY SUCH A THING. OF COURSE, WE ONLY GO ONCE A YEAR, ANY MORE AND THE MEN WOULD PROBABLY GET MERCURY POISONING! IT IS A HAPPY DAY FOR ALL OF US, BUT TONIGHT I WAS CAUGHT WITH MY HEAD DOWN, THINKING ABOUT BY GIRL. I MISSED HER THIS YEAR. USUALLY, SHE SITS DOWN AT THE END OF THE TABLE WITH HER DAD, SAYING, "DADDY, DON'T EAT ALL OF THAT, YOU WILL BE MISERABLE!" OF COURSE SHE WOULD HAVE A TINY PIECE OF BROILED SALMON(WHAT SACRILEGE!) IN FRONT OF HER WITH SOME SENSIBLE GRILLED VEGETABLES. WE NEVER LOOKED AT HER PLATE, WHY FORCE GUILT ON OURSELVES ON THE ONE NIGHT OF THE YEAR THAT SHRIMP AND OYSTERS ALL OVER THE WORLD ARE HIDING FOR THEIR LIVES? FINALLY, IT IS LATE TONIGHT. PERHAPS I CAN SLEEP. I KNOW WHAT TOMORROW WILL BRING. I HAVE DONE THIS BEFORE. I WILL KEEP THE HAPPY PILLS CLOSE BY, AND DRAW UPON THAT CORE OF ME THAT TAKES OVER IN A CRISIS. I ONLY HAVE TOMORROW, AND THEN IT WILL BE OVER. PERHAPS MY LIFE WILL RETURN TO A SEMBLANCE OF NORMALICY. I DOUBT IT, BUT PERHAPS, I CAN DO SOME NORMAL THINGS. KISS GRANDBABIES, BAKE COOKIES, SORT SOCKS, FIX DINNER. THER WILL BE NO MORE COUTURE SHAMPOO IN THE SHOWER, NO SMELL OF JAPANESE CHERRY BLOSSOM BODY SPRAY, NO MORE OF SO MANY THINGS. BUT STILL, I CAN LIVE NORMALLY, I THINK.. LOVE, NANASEE

COMPANY, HAM AND COOKIES

TODAY, WE RECEIVED A LOVELY HAM FROM THE HANKS FAMILY, ALONG WITH SOME HOMEMADE BREAD, COOKIES AND CARROTS. KIMMY BROUGHT SOME CHOCOLATE PIE, AND DAVID MADE SOME WONDERFUL SHRIMP AND A STEAK. NOW NORMALLY, THIS WOULD BE SOME REALLY GOOD EATS, BUT AT THIS TIME, THEY ARE SO SPECIAL BECAUSE THEY ARE SEND WITH LOVE AND CONCERN. WE ARE VERY GRATEFUL FOR ALL THE LOVE AND PRAYERS WE RECEIVE DAILY. THE HAM REMINDS ME OF A VERY FUNNY STORY THAT HAPPENED MANY YEARS AGO. OUR NEIGHBOR DOWN THE STREET, (WE CALLED HER GRAM) INVITED US TO HER CHURCH REUNION, ALONG WITH A PICNIC AFTER THE SERVICE. MARTIN MADE A WONDERFUL HAM, COMPLETE WITH CHERRIES, PINEAPPLE AND SLICED THE WHOLE THING. MARTHA STEWART WOULD HAVE BEEN SO PROUD OF HIM. WE TOOK THE HAM TO THE CHURCH, WENT INTO THE KITCEN, AND I NOTICED THAT THERE WAS NO OTHER FOOD THERE. I SUPPOSED OTHERS WOULD BRING SOME LATER. WE WENT INTO THE SERVICE, AND THE CONGREGATION WAS DANCING AND PRAISING GOD. NOW WE ARE NOT USED TO THIS KIND OF WORSHIP, BUT WE SAT POLITELY WATCHING THEM. AARON SAID, "MAMA, WHERE IS GRAM?" I LOOKED AND COULD NOT FIND HER- AND THEN I REALIZED TO MY HORROR THAT SHE HAD TOLD ME THAT SHE HAD JOINED ANOTHER CONGREGATION. JIMENY CRICKET, I WAS IN THE WRONG CHURCH! I STOOD UP AND TOLD AARON TO GO AND GET THE HAM. HE SAID, "I AINT GETTING THAT HAM!" I SAID, "GET THE HAM NOW! WE ARE LEAVING!" OF COURSE, BY NOW THE MUSIC HAD STOPPED AND THERE I WAS SCREAMING ABOUT A HAM AND I WAS LEAVING- SO I POLITELY SAID, "PLEASE EXCUSE US, WE ARE AT THE WRONG CHURCH, AND WE ARE GOING TO LEAVE". I WALKED TO THE KITCHEN, GRABBED THE HAM, AND WE DASHED OUT THE BACK DOOR. I ALMOST MADE IT TO THE CAR, THE KIDS WERE IN THE CAR, BUT I STILL HAD THE HAM. THIS WOMAN RAN OUT THE SIDE OF THE CHURCH YELLING, "SISTER, SISTER, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE! THIS IS NO MISTAKE, GOD WANTS YOU HERE!" I TOLD HER I HAD TO GO TO ANOTHER CHURCH, AND SHE GRABBED THE HAM PLATTER, SAYING, "NO, NO, YOU MUST NOT GO! GOD WANTS YOU HERE!" I SAID, "LOOK HONEY, GOD DON'T WANT ME HERE AS BAD AS GRAM WANTS THIS HAM DOWN THE STREET!" I SNATCHED THE PLATTER OUT OF HER HANDS, THREW THE HAM IN THE CAR, GUNNED THE CAR OUT OF THE PARKING LOT AND THE LAST THING I SAW, WAS HER POOR DISSAPOINTED FACE- (I AM NOT SURE IF IT WAS BECAUSE I HAD THE HAM OR BECAUSE I HAD ESCAPED HER NET!) WELL, WE MADE IT TO THE RIGHT CHURCH JUST IN TIME FOR THE PICNIC. IT'S FUNNY HOW MEMORIES ARE TRIGGERED- ANYWAY, MORE TOMORROW, LOVE, NANASEE

A NEW DIRECTION

FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS, I WANT TO POST SOME MEMORIES THAT I THINK WILL EXPLAIN SOME OF THE VIEWS WE HAVE ABOUT BOBBIE JO. ONE IN PARTICULAR COMES TO MIND TODAY- SHE WAS BUT8 MONTHS OLD AND MARTIN, SISSY (3YO) BOBBIE JO AND I WERE GROCERY SHOPPING. NOW, ON THIS PARTICULAR DAY, I HAD GONE IN TO THE STORE BECAUSE THE POT ROASTS WERE ONLY .69 CENTS A POUND AND I WANTED TO STOCK UP. I AM NOT SURE WHAT PART OF THE COW THIS THRIFTY MEAT CAME FROM, BUT I CAN SIMMER ANYTHING UNTIL IT IS TENDER. IT TURNS OUT THAT THESE POT ROASTS HAD A BIG BONE IN THE MIDDLE OF THEM, BUT I WAS GAME TO GET SOME ANYWAY. BOBBIE JO WAS SITTING IN THE BABY SEAT OF THE BASKET, AND SISSY WAS CLIMBING ON THE CART. MARTIN KEPT SAYING OVER AND OVER, "STOP SISSY, YOU WILL PULL THE CART OVER AND HURT THE BABY!" I WAS INGROSSED IN CHOOSING ONE OF MANY POTROASTS, POKING AND PRODDING AND MEASURING THE BONE TO SEE WHICH OF THEM WOULD BE THE BEST BARGAIN. CHEAP MEAT AND I ARE A FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH! ANYWAY, OUT OF THE SIDE OF MY VERY ATTENTIVE MOTHER'S EYE, I SAW THAT INDEED SISSY HAD TIPPED THE CART AND BOBBIE JO WAS ON HER WAY TO THE FLOOR. I SCREAMED LIKE A BANSHEE, THREW UP MY HANDS, TRIED TO GRAB THE BABY AND MISSED. QUICK THINKING MARTIN SIMPLY PUT HIS FOOT UNDER BOBBIE JO'S HEAD JUST BEFORE SHE HIT THE FLOOR AND KEPT HER FROM SERIOUS INJURY. BY NOW, I AM BLOWING LIKE A BUFFALO, SISSY IS CRYING, BOBBIE JO IS SCREAMING AND MARTIN IS SWEATING BULLETS EVEN THOUGH HE SAVED HER. THE CART IS ON THE FLOOR, THE GROCERIES EVERYWHERE, PEOPLE RUNNING TO SEE WHAT HAPPENED, AND THE STORE MANAGER AS WELL. ALL I COULD DO IS STAND THERE AND CRY OVER AND OVER, "MY BABY! MY BABY!" SOBBING LOUDLY. MARTIN IS TRYING TO CALM JESSICA DOWN, AND THE MANAGER KEPT SAYING, "WHAT HAPPENED? IS ANYONE HURT? WHAT HAPPENED?" WELL, IT WAS SOON APPARENT THAT NO HARM WAS DONE, I BEGAN TO CALM DOWN, AND TRY TO CALM THE BABY, JESSICA IS STARTING TO SNICKER AND MARTIN HAS A STRICKEN LOOK ON HIS FACE THAT SORT OF LOOKED LIKE IT MEANT, "WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO?" JUST ABOUT THAT TIME, A MAN CAME AROUND THE END OF THE AISLE, WITH A BLOODY GASH ON HIS FOREHEAD. HE LOOKED SO CONFUSED, AND THE MANAGER SAID, "WELL, HELL, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?" THE POOR MAN BLINKED A COUPLE OF TIMES AND SAID, "I SWEAR, I WAS JUST REACHING FOR A LOAF OF BREAD, AND A HUGE ROAST SLAMMED INTO MY HEAD! JUST OUT OF NOWHERE! THERE WAS A BIG BONE IN IT AND IT CUT ME. I DON'T KNOW WHERE IT CAME FROM, JUST FLEW OVER THE TOP OF THE BREAD AND HIT ME!" NOW, READERS, I AM A PRETTY STRONG WOMAN, BUT THE BREAD AISLE WAS ABOUT3 AISLES OVER- SO THAT MEAT MUST REALLY HAVE SAILED! AT THE TIME, I DID NOT KNOW (OR CARE) WHERE IT HAD GONE- NOW, THE MAN HAD THE ROAST IN HIS HAND, AND IT WAS THE ONE I WAS GOING TO BUY, SO I JUST GRABBED OUT OF HIS HAND, TOLD HIM I WAS SORRY, GRABBED MY FAMILY AND WENT TO THE FRONT TO CHECK OUT. TO THIS DAY, EVERYTIME WE SEE A POT ROAST WITH A BONE IN IT, WE LAUGH ABOUT THIS INCIDENT. THERE ARE OTHER MEAT INCIDENTS IN MY LIFE, BUT THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST.
TODAY, BECKY, CHERYL (DAD'S SISTER) AND LIBBY CHRISTIAN AND I WENT TO THE FLOWER SELLERS AREA OF HOUSTON TO BUY THE FLOWERS TO MAKE BOUTENIERS (I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SPELL THAT) AND CORSAGES FOR THE FUNERAL. IT IS AMAZING HOW MUCH MONEY WAS SAVED DUE TO THE EFFORTS OF THESE SWEET LADIES AND THEIR TALENTS. THE FLOWERS ARE YELLOW ROSES. BOBBIE JO LOVES YELLOW ROSES, SO WE WERE FORTUNATE TO FIND SOME REALLY NICE ONES. THE FUNERAL WILL BE SO BEAUTIFUL I AM GRATEFUL FOR ALL THE EFFORT EVERYONE IS MAKING SO THAT I WILL HAVE TIME TO PREPARE MYSELF TO SAY GOODBYE TO MY GIRL. HER SPIRIT IS STRONG HERE, THIS MORNING, I WAS SAYING PRAYERS OVER BREAKFAST, AND RIGHT BEFORE THE AMEN, I SAID, "AND DON'T LET HER BOSS YOU AROUND!" SILENCE AT THE TABLE, AND THEN, A FEW CHUCKLED "AMENS". SHE WILL ALWAYS BE A PART OF MY LIFE AND SO MANY OTHERS. THE FUTURE SHOULD BE INTERESTING.

OH, THE FUNERAL WILL BE TUESDAY, MARCH 17 AT 12:30 PM. PRIOR TO THAT, THERE WILL BE A VISITATION FOR TWO HOURS. WE WILL THEN HAVE THE BURIAL. DINNER WILL BE SERVED AT THE SOUTH SHORE CHURCH ON SOUTH SHORE BLVD IN LEAGUE CITY. PLEASE CALL BECKY (8323854866) OR SISSY (281-222-9691) FOR THE ADDRESS. DINNER WILL BE AT 4:OO. WE ARE SETTING UP AND EDUCATION FUND FOR JARED, SO IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO DONATE TO THE FUND IN LIEU OF FLOWERS, THAT WOULD BE WONDERFUL. THANKS SO MUCH, TILL TOMORROW, NANASEE

A PEACEFUL HEART

I HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE GIFT OF A PEACEFUL HEART. ON THIS DAY, WHEN I SHOULD BE HYSTERICAL, DEADENED WITH REMORSE, FULL OF ANGER AND PAIN, I CAN ONLY FIND PEACE IN MY HEART. I HAVE TRIED TO FIND THE OTHER THINGS, AFTER ALL, WHAT GOOD MAMA WOULD NOT SPEND THE DAY,PROSTRATE WITH GRIEF? SHOULD'NT I BE BLAMING HEAVENLY FATHER FOR HER SUFFERING? WHY AM I NOT CRYING, "WHY ME? WHY TWO OF MY CHILDREN? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO BE PUNISHED LIKE THIS?" BUT OF COURSE, I CRY NONE OF THESE THINGS, BECAUSE, LOOKING IN EVERY CHAMBER OF MY HEART, I ONLY FIND PEACE. PEACE AND LOVE. SO MUCH LOVE. LOVE FOR MY HEAVENLY FATHER THAT MY GIRL SUFFERS NO MORE. LOVE, THAT EVEN WHEN SHE WAS AS BAD AS SHE COULD BE, SHE STILL MADE THE THUMBS UP SIGN WHEN ASKED HOW SHE WAS DOING. LOVE THAT SHE IS MY DAUGHTER AND A GIFT. PEACE THAT I KNOW OUR LIVES ARE ETERNAL. OUR FAMILY IS ETERNAL. OUR FRIENDSHIP IS ETERNAL. AFTER ALL, WE ARE FRIENDS. SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST IN LINE TO HELP ANYONE ELSE WHO WAS LOSING A DAUGHTER TO CANCER. WE HAD MANY DIFFICULT TIMES, DUE TO OUR INDEPENDENT NATURES, BOTH OF US STRONG MINDED AND OPININATED. WE KNOCKED HEADS ALL OF OUR LIVES, AND LIVES LIVES POLAR IN SOME INSTANCES TO WHAT EACH OTHER DESIRED. BEHIND MY BACK SHE PRAISED ME TO EVERYONE AS SOMEONE SHE COULD NOT LIVE WITHOUT. TO MY FACE, SHE DID NOT MIND EXPRESSING HER DISSAPOINTMENT IN SOME AREAS OF MY LIFESTYLE. SHE THOUGHT I CRITICIZED HER LIFE CHOICES. SHE WAS ANGRY WITH SOME OF THE IDEAS I HAD. I THOUGHT SHE WAS A JIMINEY CRICKET SOMETIMES. ON AND ON. BUT THE TRUTH OF IT IS, WE LOVED EACH OTHER. SHE WAS DYNAMITE, IWAS THE MATCH. AS LONG AS WE RESPECTED OUR SPACE, WE GOT ALONG. NEAR THE END OF HER LIFE, I COULD STRIKE THE MATCH, AND INSTEAD OF BLOWING UP ON EACH OTHER WE WERE ABLE TO BASK IN THE LIGHT. WE WERE ABLE TO PUT OUR PRIDE ASIDE AND SAY, "I LOVE YOU". SHE TAUGHT ME THE MEASURE OF HER TRUE SPIRIT. SHE IS, AFTER ALL, MY DAUGHTER, A PRODUCT OF DAD MARTIN AND I- AND I HAVE BEEN KNOWN AS "TOUGHER THAN A 10 CENT STEAK ON OCCASION. I DO HAVE A WHY THROUGHOUT THIS EXPERIENCE- WHY DID IT TAKE SO MUCH FOR ME TO SEE WHAT SHE WAS MADE OF? WAS THIS A GIFT FOR ME, TO SEE INSIDE MY DAUGHTER? STILL, I CANNOT FIND GRIEF OR ANGER- ONLY AMAZEMENT THAT I AM SO VERY HAPPY THAT SHE HAS FOUND HER WAY HOME. I PRAYED FOR AN END OF HER ILLNESS, I WOULD HAVE BEEN SO VERY HAPPY IF IT HAD BROUGHTG A COMPLETE HEALING, BUT SHE DID NOT HAVE THE HEALING, AT LEAST NO ON EARTHLY TERMS. SHE IS ALIVE, LOVELY, VIBRANT, AND HAPPY. I PRAY THAT THIS PEACE WILL STAY WITH ME. BUT IF IT DOESN'T, BEAR WITH ME IF I BEGAN TO GRIEVE IN PRINT. I KNOW THAT I HAVE SO MANY LOVING FRIENDS TO FALL BACK ON. IT HELPS ME SO MUCH. TOMORROW, I WILL TRY TO DESCRIBE HER LAST HOURS. THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL. IT IS AN EXPERIENCE THAT I WILL GROW EXPONETIALLY FROM. I AM ANXIOUS TO SHARE IT WITH YOU. TILL THEN, LOVE, NANASEE

OUR GIRL HAS FLOWN

DEAR READERS, OUR PRECIOUS GIRL HAS LEFT US. I AM TOTALLY AT PEACE, I AM SURPISED THAT I AM NOT HYSTERICAL, BUT I AM NOT. I AM SO GLAD FOR HER, SHE WAS IN SO MUCH PAIN. HER LITTLE SON, SLEPT IN HER ARMS AND HIS PAPA, (DAD MARTIN) WOKE HIM WHEN BOBBIE JO WAS GONE, I WAS NOT THERE, SO I DON'T HAVE MANY DETAILS, BUT WILL FILL YOU IN WHEN I CAN. I AM OFF TO THE HOSPICE TO BE WITH MY MARTIN, I THINK HE IS TAKING IT QUITE HARD. TILL LATER, LOVE, NANASEE

SWEATING IT

TODAY, I SPENT THE DAY AT HOSPICE, AND WAS IN A REAL JIMENY CRICKET MOOD ALL MORNING. I DON'T KNOW WHY, I JUST COULDN'T STAND ANYMORE OF A CROWD, ALTHOUGH THERE REALLY WASN'T ONE, JUST A FEW OF US WHO LOVE BOBBIE JO. LIBBIE CHRISTIAN TOOK ME TO LUNCH, AND YOU KNOW, FOOD ALWAYS PUTS ME IN A BETTER MOOD. BOBBIE JO TOOK A TURN FOR THE WORST, AND SHE BEGAN TO FAIL. HER OXYGEN SATS WERE FALLING AND BY THIS EVENING, WE GOT REALLY WORRIED. LATER THIS EVENING, IT WAS APPARENT THAT SHE WAS SOON TO LEAVE US, AND WE CALLED IN THE FAMILY. BECKY CAME, AND SAID HER GOODBYES, AND WE WERE CERTAIN THAT THAT WAS GOING TO BE IT. WE WATCHED BMARTIN SPEAK SOFTLY TO HER, AND WAITED FOR HER FINALLY PASS. THEN, HER DAD CAME IN AND WENT TO HER BEDSIDE, HE BROKE DOWN AND CRIED AND CRIED, IT WAS SO HEARTBREAKING. ALL OF A SUDDEN, HER HEART RATE PICKED UP AND WE KNEW SHE KNEW THAT HER DADDY WAS THERE. HER HEART RATE STAYED UP FOR SOME TIME AND BEGAN TO FLUCUATE. THEN, SOMEONE SAID THAT OWEN HAD BROUGHT JAYBIRD UP TO SAY GOODBYE TO HIS MOM. WE WERE KIND OF UPSET, BUT THAT LITTLE BOY CAME BUSTING IN THE ROOM, AND WOULD HAVE IT NO OTHER WAY. THAT WAS THE MOST HEART WRENCHING MOMENT OF MY LIFE- SEEING JARED CRY OVER HIS MAMA. I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO JUST PASS OUT WITH GRIEF. SHE DID NOT REALLY REACT,BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN, SHE OPENED HER GOOD EYE AND SAID, "HI BABY". AND THEN CLOSED HER EYE AND WAS OUT AGAIN. TO ME IT WAS A TRUE MIRACLE, AS SHE DID NOT KNOW ANYONE AT ALL, NO MATTER WHAT WE DID. WELL, GUESS WHAT? S HE IS STILL GOING! IT IS LATE TONIGHT AND I HAD TO GO HOME, I WAS SO TIRED, AND MY DEAR NEPHEW DAVID CAME IN FROM CALIFORNIA TO SPEND THE WEEK WITH US TO HELP WITH THE CONSTRUCTION ON THE HOUSE. AT THIS TIME, BOBBIE JO IS STILL ALIVE. HER HEARTRATE AND OXYGEN ARE VERY UNSTABLE- I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE NIGHT WILL BRING. I HAVE PEACE, I AM SO READY FOR HER TO GO AND BE FREE OF PAIN. SHE WILL BE SO LOVELY ONCE AGAIN, AND ONE OTHER THING SAID TONIGHT WILL ALWAYS STAY WITH ME- HER SISTER, JESSICA, WHO HAD LOST HER LITTLE BABY IN DECEMBER SAID TO HER, "BOBBIE JO, YOU GO AND BE A MAMA TO MY MATTHEW, AND I WILL BE A MAMA TO YOUR JARED." HOW PROFOUND. READERS, PRAY FOR MY FAMILY AT THIS DIFFICULT TIME. PRAY FOR US TO HAVE PEACE AT HER PASSING, PRAY FOR HER TO UNDERSTAND WHY SHE PASSED OVER WHEN THE TIME COMES, PRAY FOR HER LOVING FIANCE MARTIN TO UNDERSTAND WHY THEY MUST BE PARTED IN THIS WORLD, PRAY FOR ALL OF US THAT WE MAY UNDERSTAND HEAVENLY FATHER'S WILL. I LOVE YOU ALL, NANASEE

SPRING

IT IS EARLY, AND I HAVE NOT YET GONE TO THE HOSPICE. I AM SITTING HERE WITH THE DOOR OPEN CRACK AND CAN FEEL THE WEATHER OUTSIDE. IT REMINDS ME OF WHEN I WAS 16 AND WALKING TO SCHOOL- IT WAS A WALK OF ABOUT A MILE, AND I HAD LOTS OF TIME TO THINK. ON THAT PARTICULAR DAY, I WAS WONDERING ABOUT THE FUTURE- WHAT WOULD MY LIFE BE LIKE? HOW COULD I HAVE KNOWN WHAT A WONDERFUL FUTURE I WOULD HAVE? ABOUT A YEAR AFTER THIS PARTICULAR DAY, I MET MARTIN, (ON HIS BIRTHDAY) MARRIED HIM 3 MONTHS LATER, WATCHED HIM GO INTO THE ARMY (DURING VIETNAM) GIVE BIRTH TO JESSICA, FOLLOW MARTIN TO OKINAWA JAPAN, JOIN THE LDS (MORMON) CHURCH THERE, COME HOME A COUPLE OF YEARS LATER, AND GIVE BIRTH TO BOBBIE JO. THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO MY LIFE ESPECIALLY AFTER THAT, BUT THERE IS TIME FOR THE REST LATER. THE THOUGHT OCCURS TO ME, ON THIS CHILLY SPRING MORNING, THAT EVEN THOUGH THERE WERE SOME REALLY HARD TIMES DURING THAT TIME SPAN, I REALLY CANNOT FEEL THE SADNESS ENOUGH TO PUT THEM INTO WORDS. FUNNY THOUGH, I CAN STILL FEEL AND REMEMBER THE WONDERFUL HAPPY EVENTS CLEARLY. I PRAY THAT IT WILL BE LIKE THAT AFTER MY GIRL HAS PASSED. LET ME REMEMBER AND FEEL THE WONDERFUL HAPPY TIMES ASSOCIATED WITH HER, AND NOT THESE GUT WRENCHING FEELINGS OF THE HORRENDOUS EXPERIENCE OF HER ILLNESS. I THANK HEAVENLY FATHER FOR THE ABILITY TO REMEMBER AND EXPERIENCE JOY THROUGH PICTURES, MEMORIES AND OTHER PEOPLES VIEW OF WHAT HAPPENED TO EACH MEMORY. ONE THING STANDS OUT IN MY MIND RIGHT NOW, IS BOBBIE JO'S WHITE BLONDE HAIR WHEN SHE WAS LITTLE. I USED TO BRAID IT EACH DAY, AND BECAUSE IT WAS SO FINE, I HAD TO REALLY GET IT TIGHT. SHE USED TO COMPLAIN "MAMA, IF YOU PULL IT ANY TIGHTER, I AM GOING TO SEE EVERYTHING SIDEWAYS!" BUT SURE ENOUGH, WHEN SHE GOT HOME, IT WAS FLYING EVERYWHERE- JUST A MEMORY I GUESS. TILL TONIGHT, LOVE, NANA

TRUE LOVE

TODAY I WITNESSED SOMETHING THAT WILL BE FOREVER BRANDED IN MY MIND. BOBBIE JO IS SO WEAK NOW, THAT SHE IS UNABLE TO SUCK THROUGH A STRAW AND CANNOT SWALLOW WITHOUT ONE. HER PRECIOUS MARTIN BEGAN TO DRAW LIQUIDS THROUGH A STRAW AND THEN GENTLY PUT THE LIQUIDS IN HER MOUTH. HE DOES THIS WITHOUT END, EACH TIME SHE ASKS FOR A DRINK. IT IS THE SWEETEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. HE IS SO TENDER WITH HER. HE SITS NEXT TO HER FOR HOURS, AND WAKES HER UP WHEN HE CAN, JUST SO SHE CAN SEE THAT HE IS CLOSE. HE'LL SAY, "OPEN YOUR EYE AND LOOK AT SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU". THEN HE WILL TELL HER TO GIVE HIM A KISS, AND SHE WILL TRY TO PURSE HER LIPS. HE TOUCHES HER ARMS AND FACE, STROKING HER AND TELLING HER HE LOVES HER "MORE THAN THE SUN SHINES" OR "MORE THAN THE BIRDS SING". I AM SO SAD THAT THEY ARE BEING PARTED. I SPENT THE DAY, SITTING AND WATCHING HER SLEEP. I AM WORKING ON A LITTLE STITICHING WHILE IS SIT THERE, AND ONCE IN AWHILE SHE WILL LOOK AT ME AND SAY, "WHO IS THAT?" LOOKING AT THE FOOT OF THE BED. I ASK, "WHERE SWEETIE?" SHE WILL SAY, "THERE" POINTING AT THE FOOT OF THE BED. SHE SAYS THERE IS A MAN STANDING THERE. SOMETIMES SHE SAYS IT IS JESUS- THERE IS A PICTURE OF JESUS ON THE WALL ACROSS THE FOOT OF HER BED, PERHAPS THAT IS WHAT SHE IS TALKING ABOUT. I DON'T KNOW WHO THE OTHER PERSON IS, PERHAPS IT IS HER BROTHER OTTO. THEY HAVE INCREASED HER MORPHINE TO 30 MGS NOW, AND I THINK SHE WILL BE PRETTY MUCH OUT OF IT FROM NOW ON. I WILL SPEND AS MUCH TIME AS POSSIBLE WITH HER NOW, EVEN THOUGH I HAVE THIS COLD. I DON'T WANT TO BE GONE IF SHE ASKS FOR ME. I HAD A FUNNY MEMORY TODAY OF BOBBIE JO, I GUESS IT IS BECAUSE I WAS LOOKING AT AN AQUARIUM- WHEN SHE WAS ABOUT 18 MONTHS OLD, WE HAD A SMALL AQUARIUM THAT I KEPT ON A LOW TABLE. I HEARD HER LAUGHING AND GIGGLING, AND WENT IN TO FIND HER SITTING IN THE AQUARIUM IN HER DIAPER. I TOOK HER OUT, SET HER ON A TOWEL AND CLEANED UP THE WATER SHE HAD SPLASHED ON THE FLOOR. SHE JUST KEPT GIGGLING AND SQUEALING, AND I THOUGHT, "SHE MUST REALLY HAVE HAD A GOOD TIME IN THE AQUARIUM". AFTER I CLEANED UP THE MESS, I FINALLY PICKED HER UP AND TOOK HER TO THE ROOM, SOAKING DIAPER AND ALL. I SET HER IN THE TUB, (I USED CLOTH DIAPERS THEN) AND UNPINNED THE DIAPER. GUESS WHAT! THERE WAS A GOLDFISH WIGGLING AWAY IN HER DIAPER! NO WONDER SHE WAS SO TICKLED! I AM CRYING AS I WRITE THIS. I AM TIRED, WORRIED, SAD AND FRUSTRATED. THE CAT JUST KNOCKED OVER A GLASS OF WATER AND A JUNE BUG JUST FLEW INTO MY FACE. TODAY, WHEN I GOT HOME, BUSTER, WHO HAS NEVER EVER WET IN THE HOUSE, JUST PEED A GALLON ON MY CARPET RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. MARTIN IS GETTING IMPATIENT WITH ME, (DAD MARTIN) BUT HE DOESNT MEAN TO. HE MISSES MY HOME COOKING. I TOO, AM SICK OF EATING OUT. MY NOSE IS RUNNING AND MY THROAT HURTS, ALONG WITH A POUNDING HEADACHE. BOY IS AM SUCH A BABY, WHINING ABOUT LITTE STUFF LIKE THIS, WHEN BOBBIE JO CAN'T WHINE AT ALL. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT MY LIFE WILL BE LIKE AFTER THIS IS ALL OVER. I CAN'T IMAGINE JUST BEING NANA AGAIN. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO SHE IS RIGHT NOW. SNIFF, SNIFF- LET ME GET OVER THIS PITY PARTY- THERE IS TOO MUCH TO DO TO FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF. IT WILL BE ALRIGHT, I KNOW IT WILL. TILL TOMORROW, LOVE, NANASEE