Here comes the Bride!

Last night I reached a milestone in my life. I watched as my baby, my last daughter to get married, tried on wedding dresses. When I held her just moments after her birth, so many years ago, I tried to envision her in a wedding dress. When she was little, I saw her playing dress-up and wondered what she would look like walking down the aisle. Of course, I could not bear to imagine which lucky male would win her heart-not just yet! When she was in junior high, she was so outgoing and kind to others, a real example of a daughter of God. Other kids gravitated to her, wanting to be more like her. She did not abuse that opportunity, rather extended her arms in help and compassion, certainly making others more happy. In high school, she blossomed, sharing her talents and bringing joy to so many. She faced the loss of her mother, but when I survived , was there to help me through a long and difficult recovery. She touched so many with her lovely spirit, embracing their troubles and walking with them. She did not stay out late! I guess she was a typical teenager, but at this moment, it hard to remember if she gave me any huge trouble. I have so many pictures of her with friends, smiling, participating in school events, going to dances, going to girls camp. Each time there was an event where others would be participating, she would ask if she could make cookies for the crowd. When she was going to girls camp for several days, she would ask if I could buy lots of candy for the girls to make the stay eaisier for them. She graduated from high school, and got her present job, where she has climbed the ladder through hard work, consideration for others, reliability and initiative. Last year, when she was in college full time, and working full time, she took what was left of her precious time and spent night after night with her dying sister in the hospital. She ran and got food for her sister that she knew her sister could not finish, but had asked for and so needed to have. She bathed her sister, watched as her sister's hair fell out from chemo, held her sister through unimaginable pain and suffering. She was there every possible moment until her precious sister died, and promised her sister that she would help her sister's son in any way she could throughout his life. She has kept that promise, going to baseball games, taking him to Astros games, trying to help in anyway she can. She is his "Aunt Peanut". And then, she met the love of her life, her eternal companion. Again, she chose wisely, she chose a man who will forever honor her and her family. He is kind, good, loving and faithful. He works everyday, comes home with injured hands, but with a smile for her. They will marry. And so, I found myself, last night thinking of all these thoughts as I waited for her to come from the dressing room. She had tried on other gowns, but they were not right. I had sniffled and cried copious tears with each presentation, knowing that she would be the most beautiful bride ever. Then, she floated from the dressing room, beaming with joy in the perfect dress. It was her dress- the one she had found in a catalog, the one she had gushed over, the one that should have been made for her and no one else. This time, I did not cry. I could not cry. I was overwhelmed. I saw her as she had become, a woman of God, an example of perfect womanhood, a mother to fortunate children, a wife to her beloved, but always her daddy's little girl. But I no longer saw the little girl, the teenager, the young adult. When she turned to show me the back of the dress, I saw her walking away from me, into the arms of another. But as she peered over her shoulder to see my reaction, I saw that she would for ever by my baby girl. Now, I am such a tightwad, pinching nickles to make dimes, and I knew that that dress was going to really be expensive. I had talked to her daddy that morning, and he said to go ahead and try to get the dress she wanted, she was worth it. Well, I hope he meant it! Any way, I swallowed, smiled a huge smile and asked the shop clerk how much the dress cost. She looked at me, and with a smile said, 900.00! I blinked. 900.00! But seeing the expression on my baby's face and the beauty that she was, I began to calculate how much I could put down on it and put it in lawaway to pay for it over the summer. But then, the dear little shop clerk leaned in close and whispered, "tomorrow it is going on sale." Sale?!!!! Yeah, my favorite word! I am now thinking that maybe it would be a couple of hundred off, and began to feel better. I asked how much she thought it would be, and she went to ask. She came back and said, "tomorrow, it will be 99.00." What?!!!! 99.00? "yes, that is right, 99.00" she said. Well, as I finish this blog, you can imagine where I am going next. You bet, right to the store to get that miracle of a wedding dress! Yes, it is a miracle, but you know, angels deserve miracles, don't they? And I think my baby is an angel! Love, Nanasee

For some reason, I remembered something about the little cat that I had found in town after the Children's home had relocated. I do remember telling you about the small town, and how there was nothing there, just a few stores, but there was a grocery store and that is what I was thinking about. That led to another thought, and so here it is. I was not allowed to keep the little cat in the house, but the matron was sneaking food and milk to it and probably sneaking it into her room at night. I didn't worry about him, but I did spend all the time I could with him. At the new home, the cottages were built on hills, and so the front of the cottage looked one story, but the back was two story. The bottom floor held the kitchen, dining room, TV room and laundry. The back door was a set of french doors with many panes of glass. This was wonderful for a view, as you could see the woods behind the cottage and all the greenery. When the birds were there, they emitted a chorus of birdsong that just entranced me from the cottage to sit on a rock out back to enjoy the concert. I have always loved birds, and especially trying to spot the songster-so sitting out back was great fun to me. I remember one day, the greenery of the woods enticing me to come into the fresh air. I went through the glass doors and walked to my favorite seating place, looking down and seeing a tiny scorpion making his way across the dirt toward the rock I was sitting on. He couldn't have hurt anyone, but my very vivid imagination took flight and I began to see myself in the desert with a huge threatening, vicious scorpion making every effort to spear me. The quiet cool of the outdoors became an oven, and the greenery gave way to sand and a brown landscape. I was a bedouin, wrapped in white, traveling on a camel with the rest of the caravan. (as I said, I had quite an imagination). While my mind was at work, a desert panther came to my rescue and killed the scorpion- well, okay, it was the little cat and he was playing with the tiny little scorpion near my feet. I was glad to see him, and reached down to pick him up for a cuddle. He meowed, and I thought that he might be hungry. Seriously, he was getting kind of fat, no telling what the matron was feeding him, but in spite of that, I carried him into the cottage and into the kitchen. I held him in the crook of my left arm, and opened the fridge with my right. Taking stock of the contents, I saw a small container of chicken livers. I knew he would love that so I took the livers and the cat and sat back down on my rock out back. I set the cat down at my feet, and opened the container of livers. Kitty immediatly perked up and began to meow vigorously. I took a small piece of liver and held it in front of kitty, imagining that he must think that I was the best kitty owner in the world. Before I knew it, kitty jumped forward to snatch the liver, chomped down on the piece in my hand, and a very sharp kitty tooth went right in my finger. I jumped back and dropped the liver, and kitty went on eating, quite forgetting all about me. A tiny drop of blood welled from the tiny hole left by the sharp little tooth. Believe it or not, I was crushed with hurt that kitty had bitten me. Why did he bite me? Wasn't I good to him? Didn't I pet him, play with him and make sure that matron kept him warm? The act of biting me represented to me that kitty didn't love me at all. He was just another in a long list of those I loved who didn't care for me in return. I began to cry, feeling all the feelings of desolation, abandonment and resentment building faster than a fire in a wood house. The waves of pain coursed over my heart, and things I thought I had forgotten, (and indeed should have been able to forget) crashed through my mind, making me gasp with emotional pain. I began to feel a darkness surround me- where once the day was green and pleasant, now it was ruined. Damn Cat. But then, I remembered the day at the edge of the swimming pool, when I thought I no longer cared to live. As soon as that thought came to me, so did the feelings of light and love that were so strong there as well. I felt something brush against my leg, and looked down to see the furry bundle that was kitty, looking up at me and meowing softly. Immediatly, the dark feelings left me, the world became green again and the birds seemed to renew their efforts to entertain me. I knew that kitty did not mean to bite me, he just mistook my finger for the liver. Then I began to wonder. Did the others who had hurt me really mean to? Did I take their actions as malicious? Or, did they love me enough to think that perhaps I would understand their actions, and not be hurt by them? I would love to say that I had an epiphany that day, that a tiny cat bite changed my way of thinking about hurt and disolusionment, but in truth I could forgive a mistake by a tiny, furry friend where I could not find it in my heart to understand the other hard times in my life. Understanding and forgiving are two different things. But, where I could not find understanding, I found guidance. Once again, I felt the love of my Heavenly Father surrounding me as I struggled to understand what my life had become, and once again, I was reminded that I was young and had my whole life in front of me. The promise came to me again, that I would have blessings far beyond my comprehension, and to keep a positive heart. Kitty was still rubbing and meowing for some more liver- and so with great love and compassion, I took another piece from the container. This time though, I made sure my finger was out of the way. After all, I didn't want a repeat of the first time, even though I learned a valuable lesson. Sometimes when loved ones hurt you, they don't mean to, they just don't realize your finger is in the way. Love, nanasee

Angel in the Outfield

I was at a baseball game for Jaybird today, and I realized how fortunate we are that our whole family and many in the community continue with support for this precious little boy. He does not show his grief over losing his Mama, and sometimes I wonder how much he keeps in. If she had been at the game today, she would have been screaming encouragement through the chain link fence each time Jaybird was up to bat or made a play in the outfield. Jaybird does not attend games by himself. He has a wonderful loving support system. He has Peanut and Joe, Nana and Papa, Sissy and Robbie and the boys, his dad Owen, Step-mom Marie and all the other members of the team and their families. Sissy and Peanut take him to practice and pick him up, and all of the family is right there to see to his every need. I know that Bobbie Jo appreciates all of this, and is relieved that her baby is so well looked after. But, at the end of the day, she is not here on earth, but in heaven, and Jaybird is here on earth without her. So, the reason for this posting. Today, Jaybird slammed a ball to the far outfield and made it to second base. We were screaming and cheering for him, and when he slammed into second base way ahead of the ball, he turned to the bleachers where all of us were and raised his arms and jumped up and down. And then, he did something that made me realize how very close he is to his mama. He kissed his fingers and raised them to heaven. It was a tribute to his Mama, a way for him to let her know that he loves her so much. At that moment, I felt something snap in my heart, and I crumbled in tears. I literally covered my face with the neckline of my T-shirt and began to sob. They were not tears of grief, but tears of something; Joy?, maybe a realization of how close Bobbie Jo is to us?; or perhaps tears of expression knowing that she is not dead-simply not here. That gesture from Jaybird gave me a link to my daughter- connected us for a moment, and made me realize that I have not lost her. It is so hard not being able to see her in the flesh, but I have such a testimony that there is life after death, and that families are eternal. It is so wonderful that the simple faith of a little boy made this clear to me once again. Things like that are how I get by day to day, even with the crushing grief that could overcome me. I miss my Son Otto, and my daughter Bobbie Jo. Every moment, I miss them. Thank God for the gift of eternal life- and the sure knowlege that they are so very close to me at all times. Love, nanasee