GUILT AND FEAR

I AWOKE THIS MORNING WITH THE REALIZATION THAT I HAVE BEEN CARRYING ABOUT WITH ME TWO COMPANIONS THAT I REALLY NEED TO LEAVE AT THE SIDE OF THE ROAD! THESE GUYS CAN REALLY MESS UP MY LIFE, AND ARE CAUSING ME TO STUMBLE IN MY QUEST TO CONTINUE WITH THE MOST FABULOUS LIFE IMAGINABLE. I HAVE SO MANY BLESSINGS, AND COULD NOT ASK FOR MORE, BUT INSTEAD OF ENJOYING THIS LIFE OF AFFLUENCE, I LIVE WITH FEELINGS THAT REALLY MAKE ME FEEL TERRIBLE.
LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE FIRST ONE. HE SLITHERS IN AND OUT OF MY HEART AND MIND WITH ABANDON. I SAY SLITHERS BECAUSE HE IS LIKE A SERPENT THAT GOES WHEREVER HE WISHES. HE IS COVERED WITH SCALES, AND EACH SCALE IS IMPRINTED WITH MESSAGES THAT ACCUSE ME OF NOT BEING THE BEST KIND OF MOM AND PERSON I COULD HAVE BEEN. THE SCALES ARE SHARP, RENDING AND TEARING THE SOFT FLESH OF MY HEART AS I REMEMBER TIMES AND THINGS THAT PERHAPS I COULD HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY OR BETTER. THE RENDING AND TEARING CAUSE EMOTIONAL PAIN WITH RESULTING PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS. SOME OF THE SCALES SAY THINGS LIKE, "WHY DIDN'T I SPEND MORE TIME WITH HER? OR, WHY COULDN'T I HAVE HELPED HER MORE?." PERHAPS THEY SAY, "YOU WERE IMPATIENT, OR TIRED AND DID NOT WANT TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL ENOUGH". "DID I LOVE HER ENOUGH?" "DID I LET PAST PROBLEMS GET IN THE WAY OF MY COMPASSION AND COMMITMENT?" "WHAT DID I DO THAT BOBBIE JO MADE SOME OF THE CHOICES SHE MADE IN LIFE". 'WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE THAT WOULD HAVE MADE HER MORE HAPPY?" "WAS I TOO SOFT ON HER?" DID I ENABLE HER TO STAY DEPENDENT ON DAD AND I?" AND ON AND ON. EACH QUESTION AND ACCUSATION MAKES ME FEEL ILL AND EVEN WORSE, LETS IN THE OTHER SERPENT, "FEAR".
FEAR TOO, HAS SCALES, BUT THEY ARE WRITTEN WITH IMAGINARY PROBLEMS THAT PIERCE MY MIND. I CALL THESE WRITINGS, "WHAT IFS". THE FEAR SERPENT STRIKES MY MIND WITH SUCH THINGS AS. "WHAT IF I CAN NEVER STOP CRYING FOR MY LOST CHILDREN? WHAT IF I CAN NOT BRING MYSELF TO BE WITH THOSE I LOVE AGAIN, BECAUSE I AM SO AFRAID OF LOSING CONTROL OF MY EMOTIONS AS WE TALK ABOUT BOBBIE JO AND WHAT SHE WENT THROUGH. WHY AM I AFRAID TO LEAVE THE HOUSE? WHAT WILL HAPPEN OUT THERE? WHAT HORRIBLE TRIAL IS NEXT FOR ME? CAN I FACE IT AND OVERCOME IT? WHAT IF I CANT? WHAT IF I START CRYING AND CANNOT STOP? WHAT IF MY ENTIRE FUTURE IS FILLED WITH LOSS? LOSS OF MY HUSBAND? MORE CHILREN OR GRANDCHILDREN? HEALTH? AND WORSE OF ALL, WHAT IF I MAKE BAD CHOICES AND THOSE I LOVE SUFFER FOR THEM?" YES, THIS SERPENT IS VICIOUS, STRIKING AND MAIMING AS HE TEARS AT ME. HOW CAN I BE HAPPY IF I CANNOTLEAVE THESE TWO MONSTERS BEHIND AND BE FREE OF THEM?
BUT THEN I REALIZE THAT "THE MAN WITH THE HOE" (MEANING THE PERSON WITH A GARDEN HOE THAT IS BRAVE ENOUGHT TO CLEAVE OFF THE HEADS OF POISONOUSE SNAKES AS THEY THREATEN SOMEONE), THE MAN WITH THE HOE IS MY SAVIOR, JESUS CHRIST. CALLING UPON MY SAVIOR IS APPROPRIATE IN SO MANY WAYS, AS HE SAVES ME FROM SO MANY THINGS. HE CLEAVES THE HEAD OF THE SERPENT GUILT, AS HE REMINDS ME THAT BECAUSE I PRAYED FOR STRENGTH AND WISDOM, HE GAVE THEM ABUNDENTLY, AND I USED THOSE GIFTS TO DO THE BEST I COULD. I SHOULD NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR ANYTHING IN THE PAST, AS I KNOW BECAUSE I AM A DAUGHTER OF HEAVENLY FATHER, AND FOLLOWED THE COMMANDMENTS, THAT I COULD HAVE DONE NO BETTER. CHOICES MADE BY BOBBIE JO, ARE NOT MY CHOICES. I HAVE NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEM. AND, I COULD ONLY DO AS MUCH AS I COULD DO, AND SINCE I AM NOT GOD I CANNOT CONTROLWHAT OTHERS DO OR DON'T DO. SO, GUILT SERPENT, GO TO HELL WHERE YOU BELONG, AND I SAY, GO TO HELL, BECAUSE SURELY THAT IS WHERE YOU COME FROM, BRINGING YOUR FEELINGS OF DEEP DISPAIR THAT ONLY THOSE TRULY IN HELL CAN FEEL. AND TAKE YOUR SERPENT "FEAR" WITH YOU. HE CANNOT TAKE AWAY THE POSITIVE LOVE AND GIFTS FROM MY HEAVENLY FATHER, ONLY MAKE ME WHERE I CANNOT ENJOY THEM. HE CANNOT CONTROL MY FUTURE, ONLY I CAN, AND I WILL STEP O N HIS HEAD AS SURELY AS I STEP ON ANY OFFENDING CREATURE THAT THREATENS TO ROB ME OF THE JOY AND HAPPINESS THAT IS MINE JUST BECAUSE I AM A DAUGHTER OF MY HEAVENLY FATHER. YES, GO TO HELL YOU CREATURES OF DARKNESS- AND IF BY CHANCE YOU DON'T LISTEN TO ME MY COMMANDS, LET ME CALL UPON MY SAVIOR TO ROUT YOU TO YOUR PROPER DESTINATION. I FIND THAT ONLY SPEAKING THE NAME OF CHRIST GIVES ME POWER AND CONFIDENCE TO FACE THE FUTURE, TO CRY, AND TO KNOW THAT IF I DO, THOSE WHO LOVE ME WILL HAND ME A HANKIE. THOSE W HO LOVE ME CRY TOO- THERE IS NO SHAME IN THAT. I WILL BE FREE OF GUILT AND FEAR. THEY ARE HEAVY BURDENS TO BEAR, BUT I CAN SHAKE THEM OFF. ONCE I AM FREE OF THEM, I FEEL LIGHT AND CAREFREE, AS I DESERVE TO FEEL. YES, I HAVE SO MANY BLESSING AND JOY IN MY LIFE, AND WILL NOT DESTROY THEM BY KEEPING BAD COMPANY. I REALIZE THAT THESE TWO SERPENTS WILL DEMAND ENTRANCE, AND MAY SNEAK IN THE BACK DOOR, BUT ONCE I RECOGNIZE THEM, I CAN BANISH THEM. IT WILL TAKE TIME THOUGH! LOVE, NANASEE