A PEACEFUL HEART

I HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE GIFT OF A PEACEFUL HEART. ON THIS DAY, WHEN I SHOULD BE HYSTERICAL, DEADENED WITH REMORSE, FULL OF ANGER AND PAIN, I CAN ONLY FIND PEACE IN MY HEART. I HAVE TRIED TO FIND THE OTHER THINGS, AFTER ALL, WHAT GOOD MAMA WOULD NOT SPEND THE DAY,PROSTRATE WITH GRIEF? SHOULD'NT I BE BLAMING HEAVENLY FATHER FOR HER SUFFERING? WHY AM I NOT CRYING, "WHY ME? WHY TWO OF MY CHILDREN? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO BE PUNISHED LIKE THIS?" BUT OF COURSE, I CRY NONE OF THESE THINGS, BECAUSE, LOOKING IN EVERY CHAMBER OF MY HEART, I ONLY FIND PEACE. PEACE AND LOVE. SO MUCH LOVE. LOVE FOR MY HEAVENLY FATHER THAT MY GIRL SUFFERS NO MORE. LOVE, THAT EVEN WHEN SHE WAS AS BAD AS SHE COULD BE, SHE STILL MADE THE THUMBS UP SIGN WHEN ASKED HOW SHE WAS DOING. LOVE THAT SHE IS MY DAUGHTER AND A GIFT. PEACE THAT I KNOW OUR LIVES ARE ETERNAL. OUR FAMILY IS ETERNAL. OUR FRIENDSHIP IS ETERNAL. AFTER ALL, WE ARE FRIENDS. SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST IN LINE TO HELP ANYONE ELSE WHO WAS LOSING A DAUGHTER TO CANCER. WE HAD MANY DIFFICULT TIMES, DUE TO OUR INDEPENDENT NATURES, BOTH OF US STRONG MINDED AND OPININATED. WE KNOCKED HEADS ALL OF OUR LIVES, AND LIVES LIVES POLAR IN SOME INSTANCES TO WHAT EACH OTHER DESIRED. BEHIND MY BACK SHE PRAISED ME TO EVERYONE AS SOMEONE SHE COULD NOT LIVE WITHOUT. TO MY FACE, SHE DID NOT MIND EXPRESSING HER DISSAPOINTMENT IN SOME AREAS OF MY LIFESTYLE. SHE THOUGHT I CRITICIZED HER LIFE CHOICES. SHE WAS ANGRY WITH SOME OF THE IDEAS I HAD. I THOUGHT SHE WAS A JIMINEY CRICKET SOMETIMES. ON AND ON. BUT THE TRUTH OF IT IS, WE LOVED EACH OTHER. SHE WAS DYNAMITE, IWAS THE MATCH. AS LONG AS WE RESPECTED OUR SPACE, WE GOT ALONG. NEAR THE END OF HER LIFE, I COULD STRIKE THE MATCH, AND INSTEAD OF BLOWING UP ON EACH OTHER WE WERE ABLE TO BASK IN THE LIGHT. WE WERE ABLE TO PUT OUR PRIDE ASIDE AND SAY, "I LOVE YOU". SHE TAUGHT ME THE MEASURE OF HER TRUE SPIRIT. SHE IS, AFTER ALL, MY DAUGHTER, A PRODUCT OF DAD MARTIN AND I- AND I HAVE BEEN KNOWN AS "TOUGHER THAN A 10 CENT STEAK ON OCCASION. I DO HAVE A WHY THROUGHOUT THIS EXPERIENCE- WHY DID IT TAKE SO MUCH FOR ME TO SEE WHAT SHE WAS MADE OF? WAS THIS A GIFT FOR ME, TO SEE INSIDE MY DAUGHTER? STILL, I CANNOT FIND GRIEF OR ANGER- ONLY AMAZEMENT THAT I AM SO VERY HAPPY THAT SHE HAS FOUND HER WAY HOME. I PRAYED FOR AN END OF HER ILLNESS, I WOULD HAVE BEEN SO VERY HAPPY IF IT HAD BROUGHTG A COMPLETE HEALING, BUT SHE DID NOT HAVE THE HEALING, AT LEAST NO ON EARTHLY TERMS. SHE IS ALIVE, LOVELY, VIBRANT, AND HAPPY. I PRAY THAT THIS PEACE WILL STAY WITH ME. BUT IF IT DOESN'T, BEAR WITH ME IF I BEGAN TO GRIEVE IN PRINT. I KNOW THAT I HAVE SO MANY LOVING FRIENDS TO FALL BACK ON. IT HELPS ME SO MUCH. TOMORROW, I WILL TRY TO DESCRIBE HER LAST HOURS. THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL. IT IS AN EXPERIENCE THAT I WILL GROW EXPONETIALLY FROM. I AM ANXIOUS TO SHARE IT WITH YOU. TILL THEN, LOVE, NANASEE