THE VIEW FROM HERE

I AWOKE THIS MORNING AND GOT READY FOR CHURCH. MY SON AARON, BIG J AND HIS BOYS WENT WITH ME. I FIXED MY HAIR, PICKED OUT MY CHURCH CLOTHES, PUT ON JEWLERY, AND ATE BREAKFAST. WE WERE LATE FOR CHURCH. BEFORE NOW, THIS WOULD HAVE MADE ME CRAZY. I HATE TO BE LATE FOR CHURCH! BUT NOW, SO WHAT. AT LEAST I WENT. AND, AARON WAS WITH ME. FOR SOME TIME NOW, I HAVE BEEN WONDERING WHAT I SHOULD BE FEELING AFTER BOBBIE JO DIED. JUST TYPING THAT PHRASE, GIVES ME CHILLS. I THOUGHT I WOULD HAVE A HYSTERICAL BREAKDOWN, BUT, THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN. MY UNCARING FEELINGS ABOUT BEING LATE FOR CHURCH SHOWS ME THAT IN THE 14 WEEKS SINCE MY PRECIOUS DAUGHTER DIED, I HAVE SUNK INTO A HOLE. FROM THIS HOLE, I AM WATCHING MY LIFE GO BY. I AM WATCHING MY HUSBAND GRIEVE, THIS MOUNTAIN OF A MAN TREMBLE WITH THE PAIN OF THE LOSS OF HIS DAUGHTER. I CANNOT HELP HIM. I STAND BY HIM, COOK FOR HIM, GET ICE CREAM AT NIGHT FOR HIM, POP HIS POPCORN, MATCH HIS SOCKS, DO HIS LAUNDRY, RUB HIS FEET AND HUG AND KISS HIM. BUT I CANNOT HELP HIM. THIS I SEE FROM MY HOLE. I WATCH MY DAUGHTER BECKY MOURN THE PASSING OF HER SISTER- AND TRY TO COMPENSATE BY TAKING ON THE FAMILY'S GRIEF. SHE IS LIKE A SYMPATHETIC OCTOPUS, REACHING OUT IN EVERY WAY TO TRY TO COMFORT US. WHO IS COMFORTING HER? SHE TAKES CARE OF THE BOYS, BUYS THEM DONUTS, PLAYS WITH THEM, GOES TO THE GAMES WITH THEM, MAKES SURE JAYBIRD HAS COLD WASH CLOTHS, DRINKS AND COOKIES FOR THE GAME. SHE LOVES AND EMBRACES HER NEPHEWS, AND IS LIKE A SECOND MAMA FOR THEM. SHE IS STRONG, BUT WHO IS STRONG FOR HER? THIS TOO, I SEE FROM MY HOLE. JESSICA IS TRYING TO SHORE UP UNDER HER FEELINGS TOO- SHE LOST HER BABY MATTHEW IN DECEMBER, AND HER SISTER IN MARCH. SHE ALSO SUSTAINED MAJOR DAMAGE IN THE HURRICANE AND HAD MONTHS OF DIFFICULTY AS SO MANY OF US DID. WHO IS THERE TO COMFORT HER? FROM MY HOLE, I ONLY SEEM TO BE ABLE TO WATCH HER STRUGGLE. MY SON AARON IS IN INTERNSHIP AT AN ARMY HOSPITAL AS A SURGICAL RESIDENT. HE WORKS 80 HOUR WEEKS, HAS 3 CHILDREN AT HOME AND A WONDERFUL WIFE AND COMPANION WHO CARRIES THE DOMESTIC BURDENS PRETTY MUCH ALONE. HE MISSES THE TIME AWAY FROM HIS FAMILY-HE WISHES HE COULD DO MORE FOR THEM. WHO IS THERE TO COMFORT HIM? I SHOULD BE THE ONE WHO IS THE COMFORT IN THE FAMILY. I AM THE HUB IN THE WHEEL OF THIS FAMILY- BUT I CANNOT FIND IT IN ME TO RISE UP AND TAKE MY TURN. PERHAPS TIME IN THIS HOLE IS SHOWING ME THAT IT IS NOT FOR ME TO SOLVE EVERYTHING FOR EVERYONE. PERHAPS TIME IN THIS HOLE IS SHOWING ME THAT I NEED TO LOOK INWARD TO SEE WHAT I CAN DO FOR MYSELF. FROM MY HOLE, I SEE THAT MY FAMILY IS SUCCESSFUL AND CAN SURVIVE IN A TROUBLED WORLD, FROM MY HOLE, THESE THINGS ARE PASSING ME BY. I AM QUIET IN MY HOLE. I AM WAITING FOR MY SPARK TO LIGHT YET AGAIN. MY FLAME IS DIM, I SEEM TO ONLY HAVE ENOUGH LIGHT FOR MYSELF. I AM PRAYING FOR THE FLAME TO BURN BRIGHTLY, FOR MY HEART TO SING ONCE AGAIN, FOR THE JOYS OF LIFE TO UPLIFT ME AND CATCH MY ATTENTION. IS THIS GRIEF? WILL THIS YEAR GO BY BEFORE I CAN LOOK UP AND REALIZE WHERE I AM? FOR NOW, MY HOLE IS A COMFORT. BUT I AM NOT A WORM IN A MUSTARD JAR, AS I KNOW WHAT IS BEYOND MY COMFORT ZONE. I YEARN TO LIVE THAT LIFE AGAIN, TO ERUPT IN HUMOR, TO SING TO MYSELF, TO REACH OUT AND GIVE MY LOVE. MY LOVE IS STILL HERE, BUT I AM AFRAID THAT IT TOO, IS STUFFED IN THIS HOLE. A DEAR FRIEND TOLD ME TODAY, THAT THERE HAS NOT BEEN ENOUGH TIME TO RIGHT MY WORLD. HOW I PRAY FOR THE DAY, THAT THINGS RIGHT THEMSELVES ONCE AGAIN. HEAVENLY FATHER IS HERE TO COMFORT ME, HOW COULD I GO ON WITHOUT THAT. HE MANIFESTS HIMSELF IN THE LOVE AND ATTENTION OF SO MANY WHO CARE ABOUT ME. I AM SURROUNDED BY THOSE WHO LOVE ME, AM SURROUNDED BY THE LOVE OF MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY. MOSTLY, THOSE WHO ARE SO DEAR, ALLOW ME TO HIDE IN MY HOLE FOR NOW, KNOWING THAT ONE DAY, I WILL EMERGE, STRONGER THAN BEFORE, AND FOR NOW, I AM HEALING IN MY OWN WAY. I AM LEAVING ON A SMALL VACATION THIS WEEK, AND AM ANXIOUS TO SEE WHAT IT WILL BE LIKE TO BE ALONE WITH MARTIN AGAIN, JUST THE TWO OF US. IT IS OUR 37TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY-37 YEARS OF LOVE, SUCCESS, FAILURE, HEARTACHE, JOY, TEARS, LAUGHTER,GREAT SORROW AND LOSS, CHILDREN, CHILDBIRTH, UNDERSTANDING, MISUNDERSTANDING, RESPECT AND DISRESPECT. 37 YEARS OF SO MANY EXPERIENCES, SO MANY MEMORIES, BECOMING ONE WITH THE OTHER. I WILL GET OUT OF THIS HOLE THIS WEEK. I WILL STAND STRONG, STRAIGHT AND TRUE. I WILL FACE MY GRIEF, AND LOOK LIFE IN THE EYE WITHOUT BOBBIE JO HERE WITH ME. SHE IS NOT GONE, SHE IS JUST NOT HERE. SHE DOES NOT WANT ME TO STAY IN THIS HOLE, SHE WANTS ME TO BURN BRIGHTLY, AS ONLY I CAN. I WILL TURN UP THE FLAME, FEED THE LIGHT AND THANK MY HEAVENLY FATHER FOR MY BLESSINGS. I WILL FILL IN THE HOLE WITH LIFE. I HAVE BEEN IN HERE QUITE LONG ENOUGH. ALL OF YOU HAVE HELPED ME IN THIS DIFFICULT TIME IN MY LIFE. WRITING IS HELPING ME. I AM GOING TO HAVE FUN WITH MY SWEETHEART, EAT, SLEEP, TELL JOKES, RELATE MEMORIES, AND JUST GET TO KNOW HIM AGAIN. HIS HOLE IS QUITE DEEP TOO- PERHAPS TOGETHER, WE CAN HELP EACH OTHER OUT OF OUR HOLES AND INTO LIFE AGAIN. TILL TOMORROW, LOVE, NANASEE