STILL GOING!

IT WAS THE 2ND AFTERNOON AFTER MY SURGERY. I WAS STILL GOING! I COULD MOVE MY ARMS AND LEGS, AND SLEPT MOST OF THE TIME. I AWOKE THAT EVENING, AND THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA FOR ME TO GET OUT OF BED. (I WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO MOVE AT ALL, AS MY BREASTBONE WAS STILL VERY FRAGILE). A NURSE CAME IN AND ASKED ME IF I WANTED ANYTHING, SO I TOLD HIM I WANTED TO GO AND SIT IN THE CHAIR NEXT TO MY BED. HE BEGAN TO GATHER UP THE TUBES AND WIRES, HELPED MY SIT UP AND OH SO CAREFULLY, HELPED ME TO STAND AND TAKE THE FEW STEPS TO THE CHAIR. I SAT DOWN, RECLINED AND SETTLED ALL MY TUBES ABOUT ME. I WAS PRETTY COMFORTABLE, AND HAD NO IDEA OF THE DAMAGE I COULD BE DOING TO MYSELF. IT JUST FELT GOOD TO BE OUT OF BED. I RECLINED THERE FOR A WHILE, AND THEN, FRIENDS FROM CHURCH ARRIVED TO SEE HOW I WAS DOING. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES WAS PRICELESS, AS THEY WERE SHOCKED TO SEE ME UP LIKE THAT. THEY ASKED IF I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE OUT OF BED, AND I TOLD THEM I GUESSED SO, NO ONE STOPPED ME. I WAS SO GOOFY AND HIGH ON MEDS, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING. SOON, MY ROOM WAS FILLED WITH ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE, SCURRYING ABOUT TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET ME BACK IN BED WITHOUT MOVING ME TOO MUCH. I TRULY DIDN'T REALIZE THE COMMOTION I WOULD CAUSE WITH MY LITTLE "FIELD TRIP", AND WAS SURPRISED AT THE WORRY I HAD CAUSED. I DIDN'T RAT OUT THE NURSE, I DIDN'T WANT TO GET HIM INTO ANY TROUBLE, AND I COOPERATED AND FOUND MYSELF ONCE AGAIN, FLAT ON MY BACK IN BED. AS I HAD BEFORE MENTIONED, MY BREASTBONE WAS VERY FRAGILE, AND DUE TO MY GETTING UP TOO SOON, I CAUSED IT TO HEAL UNEVENLY. MORE ABOUT THAT LATER. TWO MORE DAYS PASSED, AND IT WAS DECIDED THAT I COULD WITHSTAND MORE SURGERY. I WAS PREPPED AND SENT TO THE OPERATING ROOM, WHERE I LAY ON THE TABLE IN GREAT FRIGHT. I WAS ALREADY IN SO MUCH PAIN, AND DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT FROM THE NEXT ATTEMPT. QUIET TEARS WERE STREAMING FROM MY EYES INTO MY EARS AS I LAY ON MY BACK. I HEARD A GENTLE VOICE TELLING ME THAT I WAS NOT TO WORRY, I WOULD BE IN THE BEST OF HANDS. I LOOKED UP INTO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CRYSTAL BLUE EYES OF THE SURGEON, AND FELT THAT HE REALLY DID CARE ABOUT ME. I CALMED AND WENT UNDER ANESTHESIA WITH THOSE EYES IN MY MIND. THIS SURGERY INVOLVED TAKING THE REST OF THE TUMOR FROM MY LEFT CHEST, UP THROUGH MY NECK AND INTO MY FACE. THE LEFT SIDE OF MY FACE WAS TAKEN UP TO REACH THE TUMOR AND ALL OF MY LYMPH NODES REMOVED. THE LYMPN NODES IN THE LEFT SIDE OF MY NECK WERE REMOVED AS WELL, AND THE TUMOR HAD TO BE CARVED FROM MY JUGULAR VEIN AND FROM BEHIND MY EAR. IT WAS SO HARD AFTERWARD, BECAUSE DUE TO THE EXTENSIVE CUTTING, I COULD NOT OPEN MY MOUTH OR TURN MY HEAD TO THE LEFT. NOW, I HAD A NEW UNDERSTANDING OF PAIN. ONGOING, UNENDING PAIN. I WANTED TO GIVE UP AND SCREAM, CRY, ANYTHING TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER, BUT FOR SOME REASON, I KNEW THAT WOULD BE DESTRUCTIVE TO MY WILL TO GET BETTER. I WAS GIVEN A BLESSING THAT I WOULD BE ABLE TO TOLERATE THE PAIN, AND IT DID GET BETTER. THE SECOND SURGERY HAD REALLY DAMAGED MY LEFT VOCAL CHORD, AND I COULD BARELY WHISPER. I WAS TOLD THAT TIME WOULD TELL IF I WOULD GET MY VOICE BACK. I DIDN'T EVEN CARE, I WAS JUST SO GLAD TO BE ALIVE. FINALLY, A WEEK AFTER THE FIRST SURGERY, I WAS ABLE TO STAND AND GO INTO THE SHOWER. MARTIN BATHED ME AND WASHED MY HAIR, AND STILL TO THIS DAY, NOTHING HAS EVER FELT AS WONDERFUL AS THAT SHOWER. THE DAYS PASSED, AND SOON, THE BIG DAY CAME THAT I WAS ALLOWED TO GO HOME. I CRIED TEARS OF JOY AND GRATITUDE THE WHOLE WAY HOME, I WAS SO HAPPY TO BE ALIVE. I COULD NOT OPEN MY MOUTH TO EAT, IT WAS MISERABLE TO MOVE, I WAS DESPERATE FOR PAIN RELIEF, BUT I WAS GOING HOME. THE NEXT FEW WEEKS ARE A BLUR OF DIFFICULTY, BUT THANKS TO MY LOVING FAMILY AND FRIENDS, I MADE IT THROUGH. THE ONE THING THAT REALLY STANDS OUT TO ME WAS THAT MARTIN NEVER LEFT ME ALONE, AND IF HE HAD TO LEAVE ONE OF THE KIDS OR A FRIEND WAS THERE WITH ME. I COULD NOT SIT UP ON MY OWN YET, AND MARTIN WOULD FLUFF AND FIX MY PILLOWS FOR ME. IT WAS LITTLE THINGS LIKE THAT THAT MADE SUCH A DIFFERENCE TO ME. I COUNTED THE HOURS AND MINUTED UNTIL THE NEXT DOSAGE OF PAIN MEDICATION. I WAS SO AFRAID OF BECOMING ADDICTED, THAT I WAS EXTREMELY CAREFUL NOT TO TAKE TOO MUCH. I LEARNED TO KNOW WHEN THE RELIEF WOULD BE COMING, AND FOUND MYSELF PRAYING THAT THE TIME WOULD PASS MORE QUICKLY, SO I WOULD FIND RELIEF. MY FIRST OUTING WAS TO (OF COURSE) WALMART WITH MY SON AARON. I WAS SURPRISED TO SEE CHRISTMAS STUFF ALREADY OUT. I FELT AS IF I HAD BEEN LOST FOR WEEKS, BUT THINGS WERE FALLING INTO PLACE. I REALLY PUSHED MYSELF TO RECOVER, AND FOUND THAT I WAS DOING VERY WELL. WE DECIDED THAT WE WOULD GO TO SEE MOTHER IN NEW MEXICO FOR THANKSGIVING. THIS WAS ONLY10 WEEKS AFTER THE SURGERY, BUT I WAS DOING WELL ENOUGH TO GO. IT WAS SUCH A WONDERFUL TRIP, AND WE ALL ENJOYED IT SO MUCH. WE CAME HOME, AND GOT ON WITH THE CHRISTMAS SEASON. EVERY DAY, I THANKED MY HEAVENLY FATHER FOR THE GIFT OF LIFE. EVERY NIGHT I PRAYED AND GAVE THANKS FOR BEING ALIVE AND FOR ALL THE SPECIAL MOMENTS THAT CAME SO FREQUENTLY. DURING ONE OF THOSE LENGHTY PRAYERS, I RECIEVED A SPECIAL INSPIRATION: I WAS NOT TO GO BACK TO THE SHERIFF'S DEPT, BUT TO GO TO NURSING SCHOOL! IT WAS A HARD DECISION, BUT I STEPPED OUT IN FAITH AND RESIGNED MY JOB AT 911. THEN, I REALIZED THAT I WAS ELIGIBLE FOR DISABILITY COVERAGE, BECAUSE I HAD LOST THE ONE PART OF MY BODY NEEDED TO KEEP MY JOB, MY VOCAL CHORD! I HAD VERY LITTLE LEFT OF MY VOICE, AND COULD NOT HAVE DONE MY JOB ANYWAY, SO I APPLIED AND WAS GRANTED LONG TERM DISABILITY FROM THE INSURANCE THAT I HAD SIGNED UP FOR THE PREVIOUS JUNE! I WOULD RECEIVE 60% OF MY SALARY FROM THEN ON. I SIGNED UP FOR NURSING SCHOOL, AND GOT A FEW VERY DIFFICULT SHOCKS. FIRST OF ALL, NOT BEING IN SCHOOL FOR 25 YEARS HAD MADE ME ACADEMICALLY RUSTY! I HAD TO TAKE AN ENTRANCE EXAM, AND TO MY DELIGHT, I MADE VERY HIGH SCORES ON WRITING AND READING. TO MY DISMAY, THE MATH LOOKED LIKE SPAGHETTI ON THE PAPER, AND I HAD NO CLUE. I GUESSED THAT ANSWERS, AND OF COURSE DID VERY POORLY. I HAD TO TAKE REMEDIAL MATH, ENGLISH, AND LOTS OF OTHER CLASSES TO QUALIFY FOR THE NURSING PROGRAM. TOMORROW, I WILL TELL YOU ABOUT GOING BACK TO SCHOOL. IT WAS CERTAINLY A LIFE CHANGING EXPERIENCE! LOVE, NANASEE