PASSING

IT IS DIFFICULT TO WRITE ABOUT THE LAST FEW YEARS. YES, WE HAVE HAD EXPERIENCES JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, BUT IN GENERAL, IT HAS JUST BEEN LIFE PASSING. TO THINK ABOUT IT, WE HAVE HAD PASSINGS IN LIFE TOO- LOLA,(MARTIN'S STEP MOM) MY MOTHER , AND OF COURSE BOBBIE JO, AND A FEW FRIENDS. WHEN SOMEONE PASSES, IT IS ALWAYS A SHOCK AND CERTAINLY A TIME TO REFLECT ON YOUR LIFE IN GENERAL. I WOULD LIKE TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY MOTHER. WHEN I WAS BORN, I WAS A LARGE BABY, AND THE FIRST GIRL BORN IN THE FAMILY IN 50 YEARS. THE MEN IN MY FAMILY ARE LARGE MEN, AND I THINK THAT I MAY HAVE BEEN SUPPOSED TO BE A BOY, AS I SEEM TO HAVE THE LARGE GENES OF THE MEN. MY MOTHER WAS BEAUTIFUL, AND I THINK WAS DISSAPOINTED THAT I HAD NOT TAKEN AFTER HER. I HAVE BEEN LARGE AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER, ALWAYS COMPENSATING FOR MY SIZE, MAKING EXCUSES OR JUST TRYING TO MAKE THE BEST OF IT. MOTHER DID NOT SEEM TO ABLE TO BE A LOVING MOTHER, AND I WAS ALWAYS HURT AND CONFUSED BECAUSE I THOUGHT I MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING TO MAKE HER DISTANT FROM ME. DON'T GET ME WRONG, I LOVED HER, BUT SHE DID NOT SEEM ABLE TO RETURN MY AFFECTIONS. NOW, THAT IS NOT TO SAY I WAS WITHOUT LOVE. MY GRANDPARENTS LOVED ME GREATLY, AND MY GRANDMOTHER THAT LIVES TODAY LOVES ME TOO. LIFE HAS MANY SURPRISES, AND I LEARNED EARLY THAT I WAS NOT IMMUNE TO THEM. MY GRANDFATHER POP DIED WHEN I WAS BUT 6 YEARS OLD AND THAT WAS A GREAT LOSS TO ME. AFTER THAT, IT SEEMED THAT MY FAMILY FELL APART, AND WE CHILDREN FOUND OURSELVES ALONE WITH MOTHER IN LIFE. I KNOW THAT MY PARENTS HAD DIFFICULTIES, BUT THAT IS NOT FOR ME TO SAY, AS I WAS TOO YOUNG TO UNDERSTAND JUST WHAT THEY WERE. MOTHER ALWAYS WORKED, AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER, AND DIDN'T DROP THE BALL DURING THIS TIME EITHER. WE LEFT ST. LOUIS MISSOURI WHERE I HAD LIVED AS LONG AS MY YOUNG MEMORY COULD REACH. WE DID LIVE IN GEORGIA WHEN I WAS VERY YOUNG, BUT I DON'T HAVE MEMORY OF THAT. WE MOVED TO GEORGIA AGAIN, AND THEN TO KENTUCKY. MY PARENTS HAD AN ON AND OFF RELATIONSHIP, AND DAD WAS THERE ON OCCSASION. DURING THIS TIME IN KENTUCKY, PRESIDENT KENNEDY WAS KILLED, AND I REMEMBER THAT WELL. WE MOVED ON TO KANSAS CITY MISSOURI, STAYED THERE FOR ABOUT A YEAR, AND THEN ONCE AGAIN WENT TO GEORGIA. HERE, MOTHER GOT A JOB AT THE PLAYBOY CLUB, FIRST AS A SECRETARY AND THEN A PROMOTION TO BUNNY MOTHER. THIS MEANS THAT SHE WOULD HIRE THE GIRLS AND TRAIN THEM. IT WAS DURING THIS TIME THAT MY FATHER HAD A TRAGEDY IN HIS LIFE, AND ENDED UP ENCARCERATED. WE HAD BEEN IN ATLANTA FOR A YEAR OR TWO, AND WHEN DAD COULD NO LONGER HELP WITH CHILD SUPPORT, MOTHER SENT US TO LIVE WITH MY UNCLE TED ON MY FATHER'S SIDE. THEY WERE GOOD TO US, BUT TIMES WERE HARD FOR EVERYONE, AND IT DIDN'T WORK OUT. I WAS SENT BACK TO ATLANTA AFTER A MONTH, AND MY BROTHER GEORGE SENT BACK AFTER A WEEK. WE HAD THE SUMMER LEFT AND I LOOKED FORWARD TO SCHOOL, BUT MOTHER HAD DIFFERENT PLANS FOR US. MY BROTHER GEORGE, WHO IS A YEAR OLDER THAN I, WAS DIABETIC. HE WAS ILL QUITE OFTEN, AND IT WAS DIFFICULT FOR MOTHER TO HANDLE EVERYTHING. WE ALSO HAD KENNY, WHO IS ALMOST 8 YEARS YOUNGER THAN I, AND MY GRANDMOTHER CARTER WAS ALSO PART OF THE FAMILY. SHE CONTRIBUTED AS MUCH AS SHE COULD AND WE WERE A HAPPY GROUP. AS HARD AS SHE TRIED, MOTHER COULD NOT SEEM TO MAKE THINGS WORK, AND ONE DAY, SHE SAT US DOWN AND EXPLAINED THAT WE WOULD BE GOING TO A CHILDREN'S HOME FOR AWHILE. SHE WAS NOT SPECIFIC AS TO HOW LONG, BUT I DID NOT THINK IT WOULD BE FOR VERY LONG. IN AUGUST, 1967, MOTHER TOOK US IN A CAB TO THE GEORGIA BAPTIST CHILDREN'S HOME. I WAS TWELVE YEARS OLD, GEORGE WAS THIRTEEN, AND KENNY WAS FIVE. I WAS DETERMINED TO MAKE MOTHER PROUD, AND DID MY BEST TO BE BRAVE AND STOIC AS SHE LEFT ME AT THE GIRL'S DORMITORY AND DROVE OFF WITH MY BROTHERS. THEY WERE TAKEN ACROSS CAMPUS TO THE BOY'S SIDE. I WONDERED WHY I COULD NOT CRY AS SHE LEFT ME. I TRULY HAD NO EMOTION, JUST STOOD THERE WATCHING THEM DRIVE AWAY. I TURNED AND WALKED INTO THE DORMITORY, OR COTTAGE AS IT WAS CALLED. THE MATRON'S NAME WAS BERTHA. SHE WAS KIND, AND SHOWED ME WHERE I WAS TO SLEEP. WE HAD NO AIR CONDITIONING, BUT IT DIDN'T MATTER AS WE HAD HAD NONE AT HOME EITHER. EACH ROOM HAD 3 GIRLS, AND I LOOKED FORWARD TO MEETING MY ROOMMATES. THERE WERE THE USUAL RULES AND REGULATIONS, AND I DID MY BEST TO LEARN THEM RIGHT AWAY. THEN, REALITY SET IN. I ONLY HAD A FEW CLOTHES, AND THEY WERE TOO SMALL FOR ME. BY NOW, AT THE AGE OF TWELVE, I WAS VERY TALL, QUITE LARGE AND HAD HUGE FEET. I WAS ASHAMED OF MY BODY, BUT TRIED TO HIDE IT. WHEN I UNPACKED, THE MATRON ASKED ME WHERE THE REST OF MY THINGS WERE. "THIS IS ALL I HAVE," I EXPLAINED. SHE TOOK MY CLOTHES AND CARRIED THEM OFF. I WONDERED WHERE SHE WAS GOING WITH THEM, BUT WHEN SHE RETURNED, SHE DID NOT HAVE THEM. SHE THEN TOOK ME TO THE BUILDING WHERE THE CLOTHING WAS ISSUED. REMEMBER, THIS WAS LIKE AN ORPHANAGE, AND THE CLOTHING WAS DONATED, SO YOU COULD ONLY GET WHAT WAS AVAILABLE. I COULD NOT WEAR REGULAR SIZES, SO I HAD TO GET CLOTHING FOR THE OLDER MATRONS. IN ANOTHER BLOG, I WILL GO INTO MORE DETAIL OF THE ORPHANAGE, BUT FOR NOW, I WANT TO TELL YOU OF MOTHER, AND OUR RELATIONSHIP. SUFFICE IT TO SAY, THAT SHE LEFT US THERE FOR 2 1/2 YEARS BEFORE MY FATHER TOOK US OUT. AGAIN, THAT IS A STORY LEFT FOR ANOTHER TIME, FOR NOW, LET ME SAY THAT I GOT THROUGH SCHOOL, DURING WHICH TIME, AS YOU KNOW, I MET AND MARRIED MY SWEETHEART. AFTER DAD TOOK US OUT OF THE CHILDREN'S HOME, I DID NOT SEE MOTHER FOR SEVERAL YEARS. FOR SOME REASON, SHE DID NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE TELLING HER NEW HUSBAND ABOUT ME, AND TRIED TO KEEP ME A SECRET. I AM NOT SURE WHY SHE FELT THIS WAY, BUT IT WAS VERY HURTFUL TO ME WHEN I FOUND THIS OUT. AFTER WE HAD COME HOME FROM OKINAWA, I DECIDED TO GET TO KNOW HER AGAIN. SHE LIVED CLOSE BY, IN LUBBOCK TEXAS, ABOUT 300 MILES FROM EL PASO WHERE WE WERE STATIONED. I CALLED AND INFORMED HER THAT I WAS COMING FOR THANKSGIVING. IT DIDN'T OCCUR TO ME THAT SHE WOULD NOT BE OVERJOYED TO SEE ME- BUT, IT SEEMS THAT SHE WAS NOT. AS I RAND THE DOORBELL, THERE FOR THE FIRST TIME, SINCE 1969, (THIS WAS 1975) I STOOD IN FRONT OF MY MOTHER. SHE ACTED STRANGELY, AND INTRODUCED US TO HER HUSBAND BOB AS "JODIE AND MARTIN FROM HOUSTON". I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT HE DID NOT KNOW I WAS HER DAUGHTER. FOR WHAT EVER REASON, SHE DID NOT WANT HIM TO KNOW ABOUT ME. I FOUND OUT LATER THAT HE KNEW ALL ALONG, AND JUST PLAYED ALONG WITH HER. THE VISIT WAS NICE, IF NOT UNCOMFORTABLE, AND I JUST FELT FORTUNATE TO HAVE FOUND HER AGAIN. SHE HAD MARRIED MONEY, AND WAS VERY HAPPY. I FELT TOTALLY OUT OF PLACE AND WHEN THE VISIT WAS OVER, I LEFT FEELING LIKE I STILL HAD NOT GOTTEN TO KNOW HER. OVER THE YEARS, WE KEPT IN TOUCH THROUGH THE MAIL AND ON OCCSASION SAW EACH OTHER. EACH CHRISTMAS AND BIRTHDAY, SHE SENT A CARD TO THE CHILDREN WITH MONEY IN IT, NEVER FORGETTING. AT CHRISTMAS, SHE ALSO SENT A LARGE CAN OF POPCORN, AND THE CHILDREN LOOKED FORWARD TO THAT AS WELL. WHEN OTTO DIED, SHE CAME TO THE FUNERAL. BY THEN, WE LIVED IN HOUSTON, AND IT WAS 1200 MILES TO HER HOME, WHERE THEY HAD MOVED IN NEW MEXICO. I DID NOT GET TO SEE HER AGAIN UNTIL 1996 AT THANKSGIVING, WHEN MARTIN TOOK ME, AARON, BECKY AND SISSY TO SEE HER. I DECIDED THEN, THAT IF WE WERE GOING TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP, IT WOULD BE UP TO ME. I HAD TO GET OVER THE HURT OF KNOWING THAT FOR SOME REASON, SHE DID NOT WANT ME IN HER LIFE. I WROTE AND CALLED, NEVER ASKING FOR ANYTHING, JUST KEEPING IN TOUCH. WHEN HER HUSBAND DIED, MARTIN TOOK ME UP THERE TO BE WITH HER AND WE HELPED HER WITH THE ARRAINGEMENTS. OVER THE YEARS WE HAD BECOME CLOSER, AND AFTER BOB DIED, THINGS GOT BETTER FOR US. WE BECAME FRIENDS. I NEVER THOUGHT OF HER AS MY MOTHER, I HAVE NEVER HAD THOSE CLOSE FEELINGS WITH A MOTHER. I CERTAINLY MISSED THAT, BUT I FELT THAT IT WAS A CHALLENGE AND A TRIAL IN MY LIFE TO HAVE THAT DIFFICULTY. I ALWAYS WANTED TO ASK HER WHY SHE FELT THAT WAY, BUT I NEVER HAD THE COURAGE. I AM THANKFUL THAT I HAD NURTURING AND LOVING MATERNAL FEELINGS FOR MY OWN CHILDREN AND OTHERS IN MY LIFE. AS MOTHER LIVED HER LIFE ALONE, I FOUND THAT I WAS TAKING THE PART OF A CAREGIVER TO HER. RIGHT BEFORE THE END OF HER LIFE, JESSICA, MARTIN AND I TOOK ELIJAH TO SEE HER. MOTHER WAS KIND TO ME, AND TOLD ME SHE WAS PROUD OF ME. SHE SAID SHE LOVED ME AND ADMIRED THE LIFE I HAD MADE FOR MYSELF. I WAS SO TOUCHED, BUT COULD NEVER TRUST ENOUGH TO REALLY GIVE IN AND BELIEVE IN HER LOVE. IN 2004, MOTHER DIED. I CRIED AT HER LOSS, BECAUSE IT WAS A LOSS OF A DIFFERENT SORT. I COULD NOT GRIEVE FOR THE LOSS OF A MOTHER, FOR I HAD LOST HER MANY YEARS AGO, WHEN I WAS BORN. I DID GRIEVE FOR WHAT I COULD HAVE HAD, AND WOULD NEVER KNOW. IT WILL ALWAYS BE A HOLE IN MY LIFE, BUT THAT HOLE HAS SHRUNK CONSIDERABLY AS I HAVE LEARNED THAT THE OTHER MAGNITUDE OF LOVE THAT I HAVE IS FILLING THE VOID. YES, THE PASSINGS OF LIFE ARE DIFFICULT, BUT THE PASSING OF ONE THAT YOU LOVE IS DEVASTATING. I FELT PEACE AT MOTHER'S PASSING, I COULD AT LAST PUT THAT CHAPTER OF PAIN AND UNCERTAINITY TO REST. THE PASSING OF MY CHILDREN IS PAIN THAT WILL NEVER EASE UNTIL I HOLD THEM IN MY ARMS AGAIN. BUT I WILL HOLD THEM AGAIN, AND EVEN KNOW MY MOTHER AS I SHOULD HAVE IN THIS LIFE. SHE WAS A GOOD PERSON, SHE JUST DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME. LOVE, NANASEE