THE STILL SMALL VOICE

I WAS FACING A TERMINAL ILLNESS. IT WAS SO HARD TO BELIEVE, AND I COULD NOT REALLY COMPREHEND IT. THE DAY BEFORE THE DOCTOR HAD TOLD ME TO GET MY AFFAIRS IN ORDER, AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START. I MADE THE DECISION TO TELL MY CHILDREN THAT I NEEDED SURGERY BUT NOT THE SERIOUSNESS OF THE SITUATION. I NOW REALIZE THAT THIS WAS A MISTAKE. I THOUGHT THEY COULD NOT HANDLE IT, BUT THEY ARE STRONG AND I LEARNED THEN TO ALWAYS BE HONEST. ON THAT SATURDAY EVENING, I HAD COME TO THE END OF MY ROPE AND JUST FELL TO MY KNEES TO PLEAD WITH HEAVENLY FATHER FOR HELP. I THINK I WAS TRYING TO FIND PEACE FOR THE UPCOMING TRIAL, BUT AFTER BOWING MY HEAD, I BEGAN TO PLEAD FOR LIFE. OVER AND OVER I BEGGED FOR MY LIFE, TELLING HEAVENLY FATHER THAT I COULD NOT LEAVE THE CHILDREN AND MARTIN. COPIOUS TEARS STREAMED AS I TRIED TO PICTURE WHAT IT WOULD BE TO DIE. BUT, AS I CONTINUED TO BABBLE THE SAME PRAYER OVER AND OVER, IT SUDDENLY OCCURRED TO ME THAT A WISE BISHOP HAD GIVEN ADVICE FOR THOSE WHO WERE IN MY SITUATION. HE SAID THAT IF YOU WANTED TO HEAR THE SPIRIT, YOU HAD TO BE STILL AND LISTEN. WELL, THAT MADE SENSE TO ME, SO I TRIED TO BE STILL. I TRIED TO CLEAR MY MIND, BUT IT WAS HARD TO DO, AS THE SAME THOUGHTS CAME TO ME OVER AND OVER. FINALLY I WAS ABLE TO CLEAR MY THOUGHTS, AND ALMOST IMMEDIATELY PEACE WASHED OVER ME. AS I KNELT, FEELING THE PEACE AND QUIETNESS OF MY SOUL, I CLEARLY HEARD QUIET STRONG WORDS. "LITTLE DAUGHTER, WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE ME DO?" I WAS STUNNED. I BEGAN TO THINK. I HAD AN OPPORTUNITY TO ANSWER THE LORD, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. I MURMURED, "PLEASE FATHER, PLEASE WAIT- I HAVE TO THINK. I DON'T WANT TO WASTE THIS OPPORTUNITY. LET ME THINK OF WHO TO ASK FOR ADVICE. THERE WAS A PAUSE-AND THEN I KNEW. THE ONE PERSON WHO COULD ADVISE ME WAS INDEED ASKING THE QUESTION. "WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE ME DO?" I LAUGHED OUT LOUD! "HEAVENLY FATHER, YOU ARE THE SMARTEST PERSON I KNOW! THY WILL BE DONE!" AND THEN AGAIN, THE QUIET, STRONG VOICE: "AND IT SHALL. MY DAUGHTER, YOU WILL CONTINUE TO SERVE AS YOU HAVE ALWAYS DONE. IT WILL TAKE GREAT COURAGE TO FACE THIS TRIAL, BUT YOU WILL COME THROUGH IT. I WILL BE WITH YOU, HAVE PEACE". I KNEW THEN THAT I WOULD NOT DIE DURING THE SURGERY. I CANNOT TELL YOU OF THE AMAZEMENT I FELT AT HEAVENLY FATHER'S LOVING WORDS. I FELT STRONG AND CONFIDENT AS WELL AS EXTREMELY HUMBLED. I WOULD MAKE IT. I FELL ASLEEP WITH TEARS STILL ON MY FACE, BUT THEY WERE TEARS OF JOY. THE NEXT DAY, I WENT TO THE BISHOP AND SAT ACROSS FROM HIM. I ASKED HIM IF HE THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE. HE STUDIED ME FOR A MOMENT AND SAID, "SISTER SEE, I KNOW THAT I STUMBLED WITH MY WORDS THE OTHER NIGHT. I HAVE TO TELL YOU WHY. I HAD JUST COME FROM A BROTHER THAT WAS VERY ILL AND I KNEW THROUGH THE BLESSING I HAD GIVEN HIM THAT HE WOULD DIE VERY SOON. THAT SAME SPIRT OF DEPRESSION WAS WITH ME AS I CAME TO VISIT YOU. AS I GAVE YOU YOUR BLESSING, I CLEARLY SAW THE MAGNITUDE OF THE BLESSINGS THAT HEAVENLY FATHER HAS IN STORE FOR YOU, AND I COULD NOT FORM THE WORDS. I DO NOT THINK YOU WILL DIE FROM THIS, BUT I WILL TELL YOU THAT YOU WILL HAVE TO BE VERY STRONG AND NEVER GIVE UP. THIS WILL BE VERY DIFFICULT FOR YOU, BUT HAVE FAITH AND HOLD ON." I LEFT HIS OFFICE KNOWING THAT I WOULD BE FIERCELY TESTED IN THE FOLLOWING WEEKS. I DIDN'T FEEL FRIGHTENED, JUST AMAZED THAT I WAS GOING TO BE ALLOWED TO EXPERIENCE SUCH AN EXPERIENCE. THE NEXT DAY WAS LABOR DAY. WE HAD A BAR-B-QUE, AND I ATE LIKE A PIG. EVERY MOMENT OF THE DAY, ALL I COULD THINK OF WAS THE IMPENDING SURGERY. I DIDN'T LEAVE MARTIN'S SIDE ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT. THE NEXT MORNING, WE LEFT FOR THE HOSPITAL, AND MY FAMILY CAME WITH US. WE HAD QUIET PRAYERS TOGETHER. I DID NOT SAY GOODBYES TO THEM, AS I KNEW THAT I WOULD SURVIVE. BEFORE I KNEW IT, THE SURGICAL NURSE CAME IN TO GET ME. I LAY DOWN ON A GURNEY, AND TOOK MARTIN'S HAND. THE FAMILY LEFT TO GO TO THE WAITING ROOM, AND MARTIN AND I HAD A MOMENT TOGETHER. I TOLD HIM I LOVED HIM, AND TRIED TO CALM HIM. I REMINDED HIM THAT WE WERE SEALED FOR ETERNITY, (FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE NOT FAMILIAR, THIS MEANS THAT WE BELIEVE THAT WE WILL BE TOGETHER IN HEAVEN AS WELL AS ON EARTH, AND NEVER BE PARTED FOR ETERNITY). HE WAS SHAKING AND CRYING AND TOLD ME HE COULD NOT LIVE WITHOUT ME. I TOLD HIM HE WOULD NOT HAVE TO. WHEN WE CAME TO THE OPERATING ROOM, I STARED AT HIM UNTIL THEY CLOSED THE DOORS. I WAS ONCE AGAIN, SEEING THE LOVELY GREEN EYES THAT I HAD FALLEN IN LOVE WITH SO MANY YEARS BEFORE. THEY GLOWED WITH LOVE, AND I THOUGHT THAT THAT WAS THE BEST THING I COULD EVER SEE IF THAT WAS THE LAST TIME WE WERE TOGETHER. THE SURGEON CAME IN AND ASKED IF I HAD ANY QUESTIONS. I TOLD HIM NO, BUT I WANTED TO TELL HIM SOMETHING. I TOLD HIM THAT HEAVENLY FATHER WOULD BE GUIDING HIS HANDS AND THAT I KNEW HE WOULD DO HIS VERY BEST. I HAD CONFIDENCE IN HIM AND I WAS NOT AFRAID. I WAS AT PEACE AND VERY GLAD THAT HE WAS THE SURGEON DOING THE OPERATION. HE QUIETLY TOLD ME THANK YOU AND SQUEEZED MY HAND. SOON, THE ANESTHESIOLOGIST WAS PUTTING THE MASK ON ME AND TOLD ME TO RELAX. TOMORROW, I WILL TELL YOU MORE! LOVE, NANASEE