Thursday, February 26, 2009
EARLY MORNING THOUGHTS
IT IS 5:00 IN THE MORNING AND I HAVE WAKEN WITH ANXIETY AND CONCERN. WHERE IS THE COCKY WOMAN THAT WAS GOING TO STRIDE THROUGH THIS EXPERIENCE WITH BRAVADO? YES, I HAVE LEARNED THAT GREAT FAITH IS REQUIERED TO STAND UP TO A CHALLENGE LIKE THIS. FAITH THAT BOBBIE JO WILL WALK AWAY FROM CANCER UNSCARRED? THAT IS WHAT I THOUGHT THIS WAS ABOUT. NO, FAITH THAT I WON'T FALL APART' BLAME HEAVENLY FATHER, CURSE THE FATES AND DIVE INTO DISPAIR. FAITH THAT I WILL TRUST MY DAUGHTER TO BE THE INCREDIBLE ADULT THAT I HOPED SHE WOULD BE. MOST OF ALL, FAITH THAT HEAVENY FATHER'S WILL CAN BE ACCEPTED. IF I HAVE ONE DESIRE AT THIS TIME, IT IS THAT I BE SHOWN TO BE THE BIGGEST ASS IN THE WORLD FOR HAVING SUCH DOUBTS AND DISPAIR. THAT BOBBIE JO WILL LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND SAY" MOM, DIDN'T YOU RAISE ME TO HAVE FAITH AND COURAGE NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENED? DIDN'T YOU ALWAYS TELL ME NOT TO GIVE UP? NOW, LOOK, I MADE IT, AND I TOLD YOU IT WOULD WORK OUT!" YES, THAT IS WHAT I WANT- I WOULD BEAR THE TITLE OF "DOUBTING ASS" FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH GRATITUDE. I GO NOW TO BE WITH HER, AND WILL PUT ON MY CHEERFUL MAMA FACE. I WILL NOT LOOK AT HER SWOLLEN ABDOMEN, HER BLACKENED FACE, HER BALD HEAD. I WILL NOT TELL MYSELF THAT THERE IS NO LIFE IN HER EYES. INDEED, THERE IS NOT ONLY LIFE BUT DESIRE. DESIRE THAT WE COULD BELIEVE AS SHE DOES IN THE FACT THAT SHE WILL MAKE IT. DESIRE TO CALM EVERYONE AND GIVE THEM EASE. MOST OF ALL, DESIRE FOR LIFE. YES, HAPPY MAMA WILL APPEAR, SMILING AND FLUTTERING LIKE AN IDIOT ALL OVER HER TRYING TO DO SOMETHING TO HELP. I WILL WRITE MORE TONIGHT- PLEASE BEAR WITH ME, THESE ARE JUST THE MOROSE THOUGHTS OF A MAMA FACING THE WORST EXPERIENCE OF HER LIFE. WHEN OTTO DIED, (MY 13 YEAR OLD SON) HE WAS KILLED OUTRIGHT AND I ONLY HAD THE GRIEF TO CONTEND WITH. I THOUGHT THEN, THAT I WAS SO GRATEFUL THAT I DID NOT HAVE TO WATCH HIM LINGER IN MISERY. I AM NOT SAYING THAT BOBBIE JO WILL DIE, BUT I AM HAVING TO WATCH HER LINGER IN MISERY. MAYBE IT IS JUST ME THAT IS MISERABLE. SHE CERTAINLY SEEMS TO HAVE PEACE. WHAT A GAL. LOVE, NANASEE
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Jodie,
ReplyDeleteHey there!! It is with such a heavy heart that I write. I so want to be there with you & Bobbie Jo, but know that I can't even think about it. I'm barely able to walk 30 ft. without pain and think of how much I'd have to walk to make to Bobbie Jo & keep my pain hidden. I have thought about some things to make it happen. If I had kept up with the Blog, I would have known about the B-day Party and been there. This is my thought:
Jodie, is there any way that you could meet with a wheel chair (big enough for you to fit me)? Then I could be wheeled to BJ's room & enjoy a long visit with both of you. I want to see BJ so much. I want to be there for you too. I miss not being able to do the things I took for granted a few years ago. I fight the need for a wheel chair or scooter only because I feel if I give in to the need for one or the other I give up on my fight to be free of this weight & the cellulitis. Please let me know if this is possible. Then we can make arrangements to meet & enjoy a day to together.
Love, faith, hope & prayer,
Sheryle