THE INITIATION

YESTERDAY, I WROTE OF GOING TO THE CHILDREN'S HOME, OR THE ORPHANAGE AS WE ALWAYS REFERRED TO IT. IT WASN'T TRULY AND ORPHANAGE, BUT A HOME FOR CHILDREN WHO'S PARENTS COULD NO LONGER TAKE CARE OF THEM. SOME OF THE KIDS WERE ORPHANS, BUT MOST OF US WERE NOT. I THINK THAT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN EASIER TO BE AN ORPHAN, NEVER WONDERING IF YOUR FAMILY WOULD SOMEDAY CLAIM YOU AGAIN.
THIS PARTICULAR CAMPUS WAS JUST OUTSIDE OF ATLANTA GEORGIA. THE AIRPORT SEPARATED US FROM THE METROPLEX OF ATLANTA, AND AT NIGHT WE COULD HEAR THE PLANES LANDING AND TAKING OFF. I ALWAYS WONDERED IF THE TIME WOULD COME WHEN THERE WOULD BE A PLANE CRASH, AND IF I WOULD BE ABLE TO SEE IT. THE NAME OF THE HOME WAS THE GEORGIA BAPTIST CHILDREN'S HOME. THEY WERE VERY GOOD TO ME, AND I DO NOT REGRET EVEN ONE MOMENT OF THE TIME I SPENT THERE.
AS MOTHER AND THE BOYS DROVE OFF AND LEFT ME STANDING IN THE DOORWAY OF THE COTTAGE, (THE NAME OF THE DORMITORIES FOR EACH GROUP OF CHILDREN), I TOOK A MOMENT AND TRIED TO COLLECT MY THOUGHTS. IT DIDN'T SEEM STRANGE THAT I HAD BEEN LEFT ALONE BY MYSELF, I WAS USED TO DOING THINGS FOR MYSELF FOR A LONG TIME. I HAD LEARNED EARLY IN LIFE NOT TO LOOK TO THE FUTURE, IT WAS ENOUGH TO TAKE CARE OF THE PRESENT. WISHING AND HOPING ONLY BROUGHT DISAPPOINTMENT AND HEARTACHE. NO DREAMS, NO HEARTACHE. I DID WORRY ABOUT LITTLE KENNY, I HAD ALMOST RAISED HIM FROM BIRTH, AS MOTHER WAS ALWAYS HAVING TO WORK. A TINY DARK CORNER OF MY HEART HID MY FEAR FOR HIM, I COULD NOT DISPLAY ANY WEAKNESS. AFTER ALL, MOTHER COULD NOT BE WORRIED, RIGHT? SO, I TUCKED AWAY THE FEAR FOR HIM, AND THE LONELINESS THAT I COULD NOT ACKNOWLEDGE BECAUSE EVEN A TINY CRACK IN MY DEFENSES WOULD DESTROY ME. I SAID A QUICK PRAYER FOR STRENGTH, AND TURNED TO FACE THE MATRON. AS LONG AS I LIVE, I WILL NEVER FORGET THE FIRST IMPRESSION OF HER. SHE WAS A LARGE WOMAN, WITH STEEL GREY HAIR. IT WAS CUT SHORT AND WAVY, AND HAD NO SHINE TO IT. SHE HAD A LARGE BOSOM, WIDE HIPS AND TINY THIN LEGS. HER SHOES WERE OLD LADY SHOES, SQUARE AT THE TOE AND CHUNKY. OF COURSE THEY WERE BLACK AND HAD FRONT LACES. HER DRESS WAS GREY. IT CAME TO HER KNOBBY KNEES, ACCENTUATING HER THIN CALVES AND TINY ANKLES. SHE LOOKED LIKE A GREY PUMPKIN ON STICKS. BUT MORE THAN ANYTHING, HER FACIAL FEATURES WERE FRIGHTENING. SHE HAD A WIDE FORHEAD, WITH BROWS THAT OVERSHADOWED HER EYES. SHE HAD A PERPETUAL DEMEANOR OF SOURNESS, WITH A NOSE THAT MOVED CONSTANTLY WHEN SHE INHALED OR EXHALED. I REALIZED THAT HER NOSE MOVED LIKE THAT BECAUSE SHE CONSTANTLY SUCKED ON HER LOWER LIP, IN AND OUT, OVER AND OVER. THAT LOWER LIP WAS SLICK AND SHINY WITH SALIVA, GOING IN AND OUT OF HER MOUTH WITHOUT CEASING. I WAS HYPTONIZED WATCHING IT, AS IT REMINDED ME OF A LARGE CATERPILLAR UNDULATIN AS IT WAS BEING INGESTED OVER AND OVER. SHE STOOD THERE WITH HER HANDS ON HER AMPLE HIPS AND STUDIED ME. I REALIZED THAT I HAD NOT SAID ANYTHING, AND SO I SMILED TO COVER MY INTIMIDATION AND SAID HELLO. "WELL, YER MOM RAN OFF AND LEFT YA DID SHE?" WAS HER RESPONSE. I MUTELY NODDED MY HEAD, AND SHE TOLD ME THAT I WAS PROBABLY BETTER OFF WITHOUT MOTHER ANYWAY. I DIDN'T THINK TO GET ANGRY, I GUESS I AGREED WITH HER.
MY MOTHER WAS BEAUTIFUL. SHE WAS TALL AND SLENDER, HER LEGS SLEEK AND SUPPLE, HIGH HEELS ONLY ADDING TO THE VISION. HER MAKEUP WAS PERFECT AND HER CLOTHING VERY FASHIONABLE. SHE WORE HAIRPIECES TO ENHANCE HER THIN HAIR, AND PRACTICED HER SMILE IN THE MIRROR. SHE CARRIED HERSELF IN SUCH A WAY THAT JACKIE KENNEDY WOULD HAVE BEEN ENVIOUS. SHE HAD A VERY HIGH OPINION OF HERSELF. MOTHER HAD CULTURED HER VOICE AND DICTION, AND PERFECTED HER MANNERISMS-ALL TO THE EFFECT THAT SHE CAME FROM MONEY. SHE DID NOT. SHE CAME FROM THE MOST PRECIOUS WOMAN THAT EVER LIVED, WHO LOVED EVERYONE AND WAS A TRUE DAUGHTER OF GOD. MY GRANDMOTHER RAISED MOTHER ON A FARM AND NEVER COULD UNDERSTAND WHY MOTHER WAS ASHAMED OF HER BACKGROUND. MY GRANDFATHER WORKED HARD AND WAS A VETERAN OF WORLD WAR ONE, WHERE HE SUSTAINED INJURIES THAT PLAGUED HIM FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. HE WORSHIPPED MY MOTHER, GAVE HER ALL THAT HE COULD AND LOVED AND CHERISHED MY GRANDMOTHER. I COULD ONLY HAVE DREAMED OF HAVING SUCH A FATHER, BUT I NEVER KNEW HIM, HE DIED IN HIS MIDDLE AGE OF HIS DISABILITY. MY MOTHER DID NOT TREAT MY GRANDMOTHER WITH RESPECT, AND FOR THAT I HATED HER. I VOWED THAT MY OWN CHILDREN WOULD NEVER TREAT ME THAT WAY, BUT WE DON'T ALWAYS HAVE CONTROL OVER THESE THINGS.
MY MOTHER WORKED ALL THE TIME, BUT IN MY YOUNG YEARS, I DID NOT UNDERSTAND THE NATURE OF HER EMPLOYMENT. SHE WORKED FOR THE PLAYBOY CLUB. SHE WAS NOT A BUNNY, BUT SHE HIRED AND TRAINED THE GIRLS. SHE WAS PERFECT FOR THE JOB WITH HER POSTURE, HER LOOKS AND HER NEED FOR THE ATTENTION THAT THE JOB GAVE HER. MEN SHOWERED HER WITH EXPENSIVE GIFTS. I THOUGHT SHE WAS LUCKY THAT SHE HAD SO MANY FRIENDS, BUT OF COURSE, I WAS NAIVE. I REALIZE NOW THAT HER JOB WAS SO IMPORTANT TO HER THAT SHE COULD NOT FIND THE DESIRE TO CONTINUE RAISING HER CHILDREN. BUT, TO A YOUNG GIRL, NONE OF THAT WOULD HAVE MATTERED, ALL I KNEW WAS THAT SHE NEVER SEEMED TO WANT TO BE AROUND ME. I WAS AWARE OF THE FACT THAT MOTHER WAS ASHAMED OF MY SIZE, AFTER ALL THAT WAS ONE AREA OF HER LIFE THAT WAS NOT PERFECTION IN HER EYES. YES, THE MATRON WAS RIGHT, I WAS BETTER OFF WITHOUT HER.
THE MATRON TOLD ME TO GET MY STUFF AND COME ON INSIDE. I EXPLAINED THAT I HAD ALL MY STUFF IN THE PAPER BAG I CARRIED. SHE SNIFFED. I FOLLOWED HER BULK INTO THE COTTAGE WHERE THE GIRLS STARED AT ME AS I PASSED. I STILL HAD THE SMILE PASTED ON MY FACE, BUT INSIDE I WAS QUAKING. THOSE GIRLS DID NOT LOOK SO FRIENDLY. THERE WERE 15 GIRLS TO A COTTAGE RANGING IN AGE FROM 5 YEARS OLD TO 17 YEARS OLD. NOT ALL 15 WERE THERE WHEN I ARRIVED, BUT THE ONES THAT WERE LOOKED HARD AND THREATENING, SOME OF THEM MOCKING. I WAS LARGER THAN ALL OF THEM, AND I KNEW IT RIGHT AWAY. MY SHOES FLAPPED DOWN THE HALL, THE TAPE HAVING COME LOOSE ONCE AGAIN. SOMEONE SNICKERED. MY SKIRT WAS TOO SMALL AND VERY SHORT, AND MY TOP HUGGED MY BREASTS AND SQUEEZED MY ARMS. IT WAS THE BEST OUTFIT I HAD. THE GIRLS FOLLOWED ME TO MY NEW ROOM, AND WHEN I ARRIVED, ONE OF THEM SAID THAT SHE WAS GLAD THAT I WASN'T GOING TO BE HER ROOMATE. MY FACE BURNED WITH SHAME. I WAS GIVEN THE SINGLE BED NEAR THE WINDOW. THE MATRON BEGAN TO RATTLE OFF THE RULES OF THE HOME. I COULDN'T CONCENTRATE, IT WAS BEGINNING TO SINK IN THAT I WAS REALLY THERE, ALONE WITHOUT MY FAMILY. FINALLY, SHE EMPHASIZED THAT IF I FOLLOWED THE RULES I WOULD NOT HAVE ANY TROUBLE FROM HER. IF I DID NOT, WELL, THAT REMAINED TO BE SEEN. SHE LEFT, AND THE TROUP OF GIRLS WENT WITH HER. I WANTED TO CRY, BUT I HAD NO TEARS. MY HEART WAS FROZEN, MY MIND BLANK. I SAT THERE ON MY BED, HUGGING MY PAPER BAG OF LIFE, AND WONDERING WHAT WOULD BECOME OF ME. THEN, A FACE APPEARED IN THE DOORWAY. A GIRL ABOUT MY SAME AGE LOOKED CURIOUSLY AT ME AND STEPPED INTO THE ROOM. SHE HAD SANDY COLORED, CLOSE CROPPED HAIR. HER EYES WERE BLUE AND SHE HAD LOTS OF FRECKLES. SHE WAS OF A STURDY BUILD, AND WHEN SHE SPOKE, IT WAS WITH A VERY SOUTHERN ACCENT WITH A HINT OF BACKWOODS COUNTRY. SHE HAD ON SHORTS AND A T-SHIRT AND FLOPPED ON THE BED NEXT TO MINE. SHE GAVE ME A FRIENLY SMILE AND ASKED MY NAME. BEFORE I KNEW IT, WE WERE TALKING AND I BEGAN TO FEEL BETTER. I ASKED HER IF THE MATRON WAS MEAN, AND SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE WAS A TERROR, AND TO STAY OUT OF HER WAY IF I COULD. "THAT OLD BUFFALO WILL BEAT YOU FOR ANYTHING, SO DON'T MAKE HER MAD", WAS THE ADVICE I WAS GIVEN. I ASKED WHAT SHE MEANT BY "BEAT" SOMEONE, AND SHE TOLD ME THAT THE MATRON HAD A LARGE PADDLE AND LOVED TO USE IT. MY HEART SKIPPED A BEAT. I WAS NO STRANGER TO ABUSE, BUT I THOUGHT I HAD ESCAPED IT WHEN MY DAD WENT TO PRISON. I VOWED TO MYSELF TO STAY OUT OF THE MATRON'S WAY. I WAS VERY HAPPY WHEN I FOUND OUT THAT THIS GIRL WAS GOING TO BE MY ROOMATE. SHE SEEMED VERY NICE. TOMORROW, I WILL CONTINUE THIS STORY, AND HOW I SETTLED INTO LIFE AT THE CHILDREN'S HOME. TILL THEN, LOVE, NANASEE