Thanksgiving with my family

As the days and weeks passed, I began to relax and fit in more and more at the home. I really liked school, my friends, and the new things I was exposed to. I began to realize that I seemed to have more freedom than some of the other girls. The matron didn't really bother with me, there were other girls who gave her excuses to vent her authority. Of course I stayed out of her way, just having to sit and watch her suck on her lower lip made me feel ill, and, I wasn't about to give her any excuse to come after me. If I wanted to go somewhere on campus, I was free to go. I spent lots of time in the sewing room making little projects and replicating the apron that I was learning to make in school. Sometimes I made nightgowns for the other cottages, or little stuffed animals for the smaller girls and boys. I could visit other cottages where I had made friends that went to school with me, and go to the main kitchen if I wanted to. There, I picked up supplies for Mrs. Thompson and also chocolate chips, nuts and marshmallows to make special treats. I was allowed to go off campus on Saturdays if I wanted, and this allowed me to go to the pharmacy or jewelry store to window shop. All in all, I was enjoying my stay in the home. Mrs Thomson told me that because I could be trusted, I was given privileges that other girls did not have. Thanksgiving was soon coming and I began to look forward to having Thanksgiving dinner with mother, my brothers and grandmother. I was told that we could spend the entire Thanksgiving holiday at home, and I couldn't wait. I was going to miss Mrs. Thompson. I wanted to be there when she cooked the big dinner, but she told me that it was important that I go home with my family. The matron had a son, and she was going to be with him. (Another reason to want to stay at the home, time there without that old battle ax). On
Thanksgiving morning of that year, sure enough a taxi came to pick me up. Mother was in the taxi along with Kenny and George. I think deep inside I had doubts as to whether she would come for real. I actually felt kind of uneasy riding home, I had changed so much and didn't know what to expect when I got back to the apartment. We arrived home with mother and grandmother ran out, shouting with joy, to wrap me in her arms. I didn't realize until that moment how very much I had missed my grandmother. I was shocked to realize how short she was, I had never thought about it before. She wore a familiar scent and her precious eyes had tears in them as she held me. Her smile was something that was dear and familiar to me, oh how I loved her! How could I have been away from her for so long? How could I have buried the intense love I held for her, this woman that symbolized everything dear and precious to me? And oh, I would have to leave her again. A shaft of pain split my heart when I realized this, a rending, tearing pain. But I had become very good at shoving emotional pain away and hiding it in my mind. I would think about it later. The boys were so happy at being home, and George swore with every breath that he was not going back to the home. Kenny clung to me and grandmother, he was never far away at any time. Mother had made a wonderful dinner for us. She loved to bake a "perfect" turkey and she did this time too. It was golden brown with stuffing squeezing out onto a platter that I remembered her using each year. It was a symbol of comfort from years past. Mother had garnished the platter with little vegetables, and I don't think Martha Stewart could have done any better. Mother had also fixed mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, vegetables, bread and pumpkin pie. For a while, the home did not exist. We were back where we belonged, a family together again. I wanted to embrace this fantasy, but I knew our time was limited. Perhaps being away from mother and grandmother had made me appreciate them more. Perhaps mother would find a way to keep us home. I told myself that I would do anything to keep my family together, I would help mother and not be a burden to her. For just a moment, I dared to dream. We ate and stuffed ourselves and lay all over the apartment. A christmas movie came on the tv and we popped corn and watched the movie together. The next day was Friday, and Mother took the day off and took us downtown. Along with grandmother, we got on the bus and rode downtown enjoying the scenes of Christmas that had sprung up along the way. Kenny was so excited, he jumped up and down and pointed at everything. The beauty that is Christmas was everywhere. Mother and Grandmother smiled and laughed. George began to relax and together all of us were having a wonderful time. We walked in the cold, blustery wind to window shop at all of the stores that had display windows glowing with Christmas cheer. Automated Santas, snowmen and reindeer moved up and down and beckoned to all. The Salvation Army bell ringers were on every corner, and each time I passed one, Kenny and I dropped a penny in the bucket. Our cheeks reddened as we walked and talked and looked with wonder at a world transformed. We went into a store called Rich's, a huge store like Macy's in New York. It had the most amazing thing; a christmas train that ran on rails all around the top of the first floor! Children could ride this train for free, and the line was incredibly long. Seeing Kenny's little face, I knew that no line was too long to miss an opprotunity to ride that train, and so I stood there with him while Mother, George and Grandmother went on to "talk to Santa" about what Kenny wanted for Christmas. At the end of the train ride, Santa was waiting to see the children, and so we stood in another line. Finally it was Kenny's turn to get up on Santa's lap. With a booming voice, Santa asked Kenny what he wanted for Christmas. In a clear and confident little 6 year old voice, Kenny said, "I want to stay home with my mama and sister and brother and grandma". I don't think Santa knew what Kenny was asking for, but I did, and again the serpent of pain tried to crawl out and ruin my day. I again wondered what I could do to keep the family together. But, I shoved the emotion back inside and put on my "happy" face. Time to be sad later. When we were reunited after the train ride, Mother took us to lunch at the White Castle hamburger place. I started to tell her about going there for lunch when I got my shoes, but something inside would not let me share that with her. I didn't want reality to intrude. Later we rode the bus back home chatting about Santa and Christmas to come. On Saturday, we were all together, watching tv and just being a family, but I knew, just over the horizon that the fantasy was coming to a swift end. On Sunday, we would have to return to the home. And, indeed, Sunday afternoon found me gathering my things and getting back into a taxi to go back to the home. I never got the nerve to tell mother that I wanted us to stay together and that I would help her in any way that I could. I knew it would do no good, and I didn't want to hurt my Grandmother by letting her know how sad I was to leave her. I guess in a way, I felt like ancient Atlas, who held the world on his shoulders. I just had to be positive, I had to be brave. Kenny cried all the way back to the home and George carped on and on about how he was not going to stay there and would run away. This was making me very angry, how could George vent his feelings like that? Didn't he care about mother's feelings? Why did he want to hurt her? Why couldn't I tell her how I felt? No, not me, not good Jodie, brave Jodie. I wish I had been able to say something to express my sadness, but I knew for a surity that it would only make things worse, not for mother, but for me. It was better to just pretend that everything was okay. And then, there I was, back at the cottage. As at the first time, Mother kissed me goodbye and left me standing outside the door as the taxi drove off with Kenny and George. I waited to feel the pain, waited for the searing heat to invade my heart and mind, but, nothing. Just nothing. I turned, pasted a big smile on my face and went to find Mindy. I had bought her a little gift during the shopping trip and wanted to give it to her. I knew that she had had to stay over the weekend and spend her Thanksgiving at the home. I hoped she was not too sad. As soon as we saw each other, we squealed with joy and hugged each other. I didn't know if she wanted to know about my weekend, but of course, dear Mindy wanted me to share everything. She was so tickled that I had bought her a little gift, and together we talked until the lights went out. The Christmas season had officially begun, and both of us felt the spirit of the holidays. I went right back into the routine, and my weekend home quickly became just a happy memory. More later, Love, nanasee