THE ORPHANAGE

YOU KNOW, THIS TIME OF YEAR ALWAYS REMINDS ME OF THE YEAR WE WERE PUT INTO AN ORPHANAGE. I WAS 12 YEARS OLD, AND LIFE WAS JUST A MATTER OF SURVIVING THE DAY. LET ME GIVE YOU SOME BACKGROUND.
MY PARENTS WERE DIVORCED WHEN I WAS ABOUT 9 YEARS OLD. THEY HAD BEEN SEPARATED FOR MUCH LONGER, MY DAD JUST CAME AND WENT ONCE IN AWHILE. IT TURNS OUT THAT HE HAD A YOUNG GIRLFRIEND, JUST 19 YEARS OLD IN ANOTHER CITY. I DIDN'T KNOW OR UNDERSTAND ANY OF THIS, IT DIDN'T MATTER TO ME. I WAS JUST SO HAPPY WHEN DAD WASN'T AROUND. ONE DAY, MY MOTHER AND GRANDMOTHER RECIEVED NEWS THAT REALLY UPSET THEM. MY FATHER, IN A DRUNKEN RAGE, ACCIDENTALLY SHOT AND KILLED DANA, HIS GIRLFRIEND. SHE WAS 8 MONTHS PREGNANT AND THE BABY DIED TOO. MY FATHER WAS SENTENCED TO A LONG PRISON TERM IN UPPER STATE NEW YORK. MOTHER FELT SHE COULD NO LONGER CARE FOR US. MY BROTHER, GEORGE, WAS SEVERLY DIABETIC AND WAS QUITE OFTEN ILL BECAUSE OF IT. THERE WAS ALSO ME AND A LITTLE BROTHER, KENNY TO CARE FOR. ONE DAY, A MEMBER OF THE BAPTIST CHURCH SPOKE TO MY MOTHER, AND SOON AFTER THAT, SHE TOLD US THAT WE WERE GOING TO A PLACE THAT WOULD CARE FOR US UNTIL THINGS GOT BETTER. SHE SAID WE WOULD ONLY STAY FOR ABOUT A MONTH, AND THEN WE WOULD BE TOGETHER AGAIN.
MY LIFE AT THIS TIME WAS VERY DIFFICULT. MOTHER TRIED, BUT THERE WAS NEVER ENOUGH, AND IT SEEMED THAT SHE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT I WAS AROUND. I SLEPT ON THE SCREENED-IN PORCH IN MY GRANDMOTHER'S APARTMENT UPSTAIRS, AND PRETTY MUCH CARED FOR MYSELF, GEORGE AND KENNY. THAT WAS OKAY FOR ME, I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH MY FATHER OR BOTH OF MY PARENTS WHEN THEY WERE TOGETHER. MY GRANDMOTHER WAS SO LOVING, BUT SHE WAS FINANCIALLY BURDENED AND COULD NOT DO MUCH FOR US. FOR SOME REASON, I WAS ALWAYS OPTIMISTIC AND HAPPY. I NOW KNOW THAT IT WAS A GIFT THAT HEAVENLY FATHER GAVE ME TO SURVIVE THE DIFFICULT TIMES TO COME. IT SEEMS THAT I WAS ABLE TO OVERLOOK THE SNIDE AND CRUEL REMARKS MADE TO US BECAUSE OF OUR POVERTY AND THE FACT THAT MY FATHER WAS IN PRISON. I DIDN'T HAVE MANY CLOTHES AND WAS A LARGE CHILD, AND I WAS THE OBJECT OF RIDICULE FROM MANY PEOPLE AND KIDS AT SCHOOL. I HAD VERY LARGE FEET, SIZE 11, AND I WAS ASHAMED THAT I COULD FIND NO SHOES TO FIT. I WOULD WEAR SIZE 9 SHOES, AND PUT UP WITH THE PAIN IN MY TOES SO THAT MY MOTHER WOULD NOT HAVE SOMETHING ELSE TO WORRY ABOUT. WHEN MY TOES POPPED THROUGH THE ENDS OF THE SHOES, I WOULD WRAP PACKING TAPE AROUND THEM AND IGNORE THE TAUNTS FROM THE OTHER KIDS. I HAD BEGUN TO DEVELOP BREASTS, BUT I WAS AFRAID TO TELL MOTHER BECAUSE SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN ANGRY IF SHE HAD TO BUY BRAS FOR ME. A GIRLFRIEND MENTIONED THAT I NEEDED A BRA AND SO I TOOK SOME OF MY GRANDMOTHER'S BRAS AND SEWED THE CUPS UP TO FIT MY BUDDING BREASTS. I JUST DIDN'T WANT MY MOTHER TO HAVE ANY MORE PROBLEMS TO DEAL WITH. THE SUMMER BEFORE WE WENT INTO THE ORPHANAGE, MY MOTHER SENT US TO LIVE WITH AN UNCLE AND HIS FAMILY. THEY TOO, WERE HAVING FINANCIAL PROBLEMS, BUT TOOK US IN ANYWAY. I DIDN'T REALIZE THE BURDEN WE WERE FOR THEM, AND DIDN'T UNDERSTAND ALL THE DIFFICULTIES THEY WERE FACING. ONE NIGHT FOR SUPPER, MY AUNT SERVED HOT DOGS THAT WERE CUT IN HALF LONG WAYS. I HAD THE FIRST HOT DOG HALF, AND REACHED FOR ANOTHER. SHE LOST HER TEMPER AND COMPLAINED THAT I WAS BEING INCONSIDERATE FOR EATING MORE THAN I SHOULD HAVE BEEN. I COULN'T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE WAS SO ANGRY, AND WENT TO BED IN TEARS. IT WASN'T LONG THAT I FOUND MYSELF ON THE BUS BACK TO ATLANTA TO MY HOME. I CRIED FOR HOURS ON THAT BUS, I KNEW THAT I HAD NOT WORKED OUT, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW WHY. THE TRIP WAS FROM OKLAHOMA TO ATLANTA GEORGIA, AND I HAD PLENTY OF TIME TO THINK ABOUT MY SITUATION. I WAS GLAD TO BE GOING HOME, BUT I FELT THAT NO ONE WANTED ME ANYWHERE. SOMEWHERE IN ALABAMA, A MAN BEGAN TO TALK TO ME. BEING YOUNG, I UNBURDENED BY PROBLEMS TO HIM. HE SEEMED SYMPATHETIC, AND EVENTUALLY TOLD MY I COULD GO HOME AND LIVE WITH HIM. FOR A MOMENT, I FELT HAPPY THAT SOMEONE WANTED ME, AND IT DID NOT OCCUR TO ME THAT I COULD HAVE BEEN IN ANY DANGER. I ALMOST GOT OFF THE BUS WITH HIM IN ALABAMA, BUT I COULD NOT STOP THINKING ABOUT MY GRANDMOTHER AND HOW SHE WOULD WORRY IF SHE DID NOT KNOW WHAT HAD HAPPENED TO ME. I TOLD HIM THAT I NEEDED TO GO HOME TO SAY GOODBYE TO HER, AND WOULD COME BACK TO ALABAMA AFTER THAT. I WAS VERY INNOCENT.
AFTER THE LONG RIDE, I FINALLY ARRIVED IN THE ATLANTA BUS DEPOT. I KNEW THAT NO ONE WOULD BE THERE TO GREET ME, AND SO I TOOK MY BAG AND GOT ON THE CITY BUS TO GO HOME. UPON ARRIVING, I REALIZED THAT SOMETHING WAS VERY WRONG. EVERYTHING OF MINE WAS GONE. MY BED, MY CLOTHES, EVEN MY CAT. I HAD BEEN ERASED. MOTHER HAD NOT PLANNED ON MY COMING BACK! FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY DIFFICULT LIFE, I FELT TRUE DESOLATION. NOTHING HAD EVER HURT ME SO MUCH AS REALIZING THAT TRULY, NO ONE WANTED ME. AGAIN, MY HEART LOOKED FOR THE POSITIVE. SURELY THERE WOULD BE NEW THINGS TO REPLACE MY OLD ONES. PERHAPS THEY WERE JUST GOING TO SURPRISE ME AND I GOT HOME TOO SOON. BUT, I FOUND MYSELF HAVING TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH, AND TO LIVE OUT OF MY SUITCASE. THIS IS THE SITUATION I WAS IN WHEN MOTHER TOLD US THAT WE WERE GOING TO A CHILDREN'S HOME FOR A SHORT TIME. I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT IT WAS TO GET RID OF US. I THOUGHT WE WOULD ONLY STAY AWHILE AND THEN COME BACK HOME. THIS WAS AUGUST OF THAT YEAR, AND SURELY WE WOULD COME HOME BEFORE SCHOOL STARTED.
THE BIG DAY ARRIVED AND MOTHER ORDERED A CAB TO TAKE US TO THE HOME. IT WAS VERY HOT, AND ANXIETY WAS HIGH, BUT ALL I KNEW WAS THAT AN ADVENTURE WAS IN STORE. GEORGE WAS VERY ANGRY AND SAID HE WAS GOING TO RUN AWAY. KENNY WAS TOO YOUNG TO REALIZE WHAT WAS HAPPENING. I WAS 12 YEARS OLD, AND BLIND TO THE SITUATION. I HAD WAY TOO MUCH FAITH IN MY MOTHER. I WAS THE FIRST TO BE DROPPED OFF AT THE GIRLS DORMITORY. I WAS USHERED FROM THE CAB, GIVEN A QUICK PECK ON THE CHEEK AND ADMONISHED TO BE GOOD. BEFORE I KNEW IT, THE CAB WAS SPEEDING AWAY AND LITTLE KENNY WAS SCREAMING HYSTERICALLY FOR ME. I COULD HEAR HIM UNTIL THE CAB DISSAPEARED AROUND THE BEND IN THE ROAD. THERE I STOOD, BAG IN HAND AND FEELING ABSOLUTELY NO EMOTION AT ALL. I WANTED TO BE BRAVE FOR MOTHER, AND DIDN'T WANT HER TO SEE ME UPSET. TOMORROW, I WILL TELL YOU ABOUT MY RECEPTION AT THE CHILDREN'S HOME. LOVE, NANASEE