Benevolence

My heart is overflowing with gratitude. Gratitude for so many reasons, how can I even start to tell you? Today, I received a small letter in the mail with three little hearts where the return address should have been. My first thought was that I had received an invitation to a party or shower, and I joyfully tore the flap opened, wondering what kind of fun was coming my way. There was no invitation or announcement at all. Spilling out of the envelope was a gift of love, with the words, "Sister See, you are loved!" My hand was frozen, my eyes rivited to the green of the bills, my mind confused, my heart swelling with love and gratitude. Then, a bit of sadness, because, I had no return address to thank the sender. I sat down in my chair at the kitchen table, (yes, it is mine, my favorite place to sit) and thanked Heavenly Father for the sender, the gift and the uplifting words of love. I don't know who you are, but I thank you so much. I will pay it forward someday when things are better for us, and until then, will pay it forward with service. I wish I knew who you are, I want to express my love to you. Hopefully, you will read this blog and know that this gift is so very precious, and as I write, my tears are flowing. It is things and events of this nature that provide an island of comfort in the ocean of trial and tribulation. For a moment, I can put my head down and revel in the love that is all around me. I can rest for a moment in the arms of comfort, and the sure knowlege that Heavenly Father speaks, and that those who hear are part of those arms. And soon, I will have to jump back in the sea of turmoil, but stronger, because of the love and support that buoys me up. In January, I lived with terror that we would lose our income and benefits. It has been more than three months, and I cannot remember a time when I was closer to Heavenly Father, my Saviour Jesus Christ, my beloved eternal companion Martin, my children and grandchildren and my friends. I have garnered strength to arise each morning with a ray of hope and joy somehow breaking through the clouds, knowing that I am not alone in this time of worry. I watch my beloved husband struggle to breathe each day, hour after hour. His wheezing and coughing tear at my heart, as I see my once strong-as-a-mountain man double over in pain and weakness. There is dispair in his eyes, but his humor and love are stronger. The medications, nebulizer and constant effort to try to live a normal life are a part of him that I thought never to have withnessed. I would do this for him if only I could. In spite of it all, he is still magnificent. He jokes with strangers, that are strangers no longer after having the good fortune to interract with him. Today, he noticed a young boy at school who had no lunch, sitting in the cafeteria watching the other kids eat. Boldly, Martin confronted the boy, asking him where his food was. The boy shrugged, unable to meet Martin's gaze. "Are you hungry?" asked Martin and the boy shook his head no. "Don't you lie to me boy! I want to know if you have had lunch today!" said Martin, and when the boy hesitated, Martin pulled out a 5.00 bill and told the boy to go and eat. When he got home, Martin confessed what he had done, saying that he felt it was the right thing to do. I say confessed, because being an Ant, I keep a close watch on our finances. I began to cry with tears of gratitude, because I have the tremendous honor of having Martin for eternity. I can't wait for the day to come when I can relate the outcome of this trial. I know we will all be amazed, and I will have yet another amazing story to tell my posterity, and another grand example of the outcome of faith. For now, I find great joy in the journey. I love being an Ant. I love discovering who I am, and am constantly surprised at how each day brings a new discovery. Things are no better than January, probably more dire, but I am better, stronger, happier and more joyful. For those of you who may not know what I am writing about, let me tell you briefly. After 18 years of employment at the college where Martin works, he suddenly became ill with respiratory problems. From June, 2010 until now, Martin has had bronchitus 9 times and pneumonia once. His lungs have been damaged, and he must contend with 8 medications and a nebulizer treatment several times a day, in addition to relying on a rescue inhaler. This has all been caused by mold that developed in the airways at his job after the airconditioning system developed a mold problem due to condensation. It took months to prove that it was related to his illness, and after 9 weeks of sick time, his leave ran out. Twice he has been told that the only alternative was to terminate him because he had no leave left. So far, he is still employed, but for now is off the job without pay, and no forseeable date to return as the building is toxic to him. He has been denied workman's comp, but I am a bulldog, and will not stand for that! I won't rest until some assistance from his employer is forthcoming. (Too bad they don't know who they are dealing with!) We have been told that the damage is irreversable. It is amazing that our lives could have changed so drastically, so quickly. But even so, it has been a blessing. Somehow, we have been fine, somehow we have been able to change our living status and somehow, I learned to become an Ant instead of a grasshopper. Somehow, we continue to give service when called upon, give comfort when the opportunity arises, continue to bask in the love of so many, and to hold our heads up. I have a plaque that hangs on my bedroom wall, given to me by my precious granddaughter Audrey. It says, "Be ye strong and of a good courage. Be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed, for the Lord thy God is with thee." How grateful I am to see those words each day, and to read them over and over. I relish the meals that I make from my precious food storage, precious because a gift of love provided it, and think ahead to the near future when the dewberries will be on the vine and I can once again make my jelly. (I do love to make jelly!) I have so many talents, and now, I have an opportunity to use them. I try to be upbeat, but sometimes, I let the adversary get to me. On Saturday, as I ran my hand through my hair, a clump of hair fell out and spilled onto the floor. I stared at it stupidly, and then realized that I was letting stress get to me. NO MORE OF THAT! I now sport a new "do", having cut my long hair, (14 inches off), and "brought" back my natural color, or should I say, would be if I were not 56 years old. Seeing my new style reminds me that from now on, I will act instead of react. I continue to live and learn the life of someone who is treasured by Heavenly Father and so many others. So, my benevolent friend, you have yet uplifted me further, and made my day so very happy! I thank you, even though I don't know who you are. Your gift will assist us further, but more than that, your love will sustain us. Thank you, Love, Nanasee