Snort

Well loved ones, I have been soooo busy trying to cope with this situation! I do have some good news though, I have finally had an epiphany! For all these months, I have been begging Heavenly Father to do something to help us get through everything, and praying for protection for our benefits and our income. Just thinking about losing Martin's job makes me sick! He hasn't worked in over 2 weeks, actually 3 weeks- prior to that only a week here and a day there due to having to miss because of illness, but is still not terminated, so that is a huge blessing! Where is the money coming from? Well, I have a small check each month, Becky and Joe are paying the light bill and getting groceries, Sissy is paying me to watch the boys and Martin has had a "honey-do" or two. We have our food storage, and believe me, being an Ant has been most beneficial. So, here it is, the 20th of April, and this was supposed to be resolved January 4th! In all that time, Martin has maybe worked a total of 3 -4 weeks, but still, the blessings keep coming. I have cried enough tears to float the Queen Mary- mostly because I feel sorry for myself (what a baby!). Like I said, finally, I have my head on straight. I am blessed to teach a Sunday school class each week, and that is one of the highlights of my week. The kids I teach are 12 and 13 years old, and could be a typical teen aged nightmare, but are the sweetest kids in the world. I realize each week, as I see their trusting faces, that everything I say is taken very seriously by them. I am an example to them, and would never do anything to let them down. Matter of fact, recently, the thought of my responsibility to those kids was a major reason that I didn't do something very stupid. A couple of weeks ago, I took yet some more forms to be signed in regard to Martin's situation. Getting back in the car, I looked at Martin, and burst out in tears. I couldn't say exactly what turned on the faucet, but I do know that I could not turn it off. It was not a screaming crying fit, but more like a "snuffle, snuffle, and sniffle" crying episode. I just could not turn it off. Then, a thought came to me, slamming out of my past like a flying demon. I remembered when I used to drink, many years ago, that the alcohol would calm me for awhile, and my problems would seem miniscule and unimportant. I began to ponder these feelings, and began to remember the taste of the liquor, the feel as it traveled down my throat, the soothing waves as it hit my stomach and calmed my nerves. It was so clear to me, and began to be very enticing. As I snuffled and sniffed, I considered what would be the consequences of giving in "just once" you know, for medicinal purposes. I turned to Martin, and said, "Honey, do you think it would be wrong to have a snort for medicinal purposes? You know, just so I can stop crying and feel better?" By golly, he almost ran the car off the freeway! I wish I could have gotten a picture of his face, as he was absolutely and totally amazed that I would even say such a thing. But what he said was so amazing to me. He said, " for most people, probably not, but for you, a former lush, it would be disasterous! What makes you think you could even stop after one "snort"? Have you forgotten what it was like when you couldn't put the bottle down? You need to pray and ask for help, and no, you cannot have even a smell of the stuff!" For clarification, I should tell you that I had quite a problem with alcohol when I was much younger, before I joined the Church. Since having joined 37 years ago, I have been able to stay away from alcohol, and until this situation, would never have considered it as a remedy. Seeing his shocked face and condemning words, I realized that I was letting the adversary really get to me. But more than that, I saw the faces of my Sunday School kids, and could not even bear the thought of them ever finding out that I had taken a drink. They would never look at me the same ever again. So, back to the epiphany. While studying for my lesson this last weekend, I came across a quote by John Taylor, one of the Presidents and Prophets of the Church. He was also present in the jailhouse room and was wounded when Joseph Smith and Hyrum Smith were martyred. John Taylor was hit by 4 bullets, but still survived the terrible mob. Prior to this, when he was going on a mission to England with some of the other apostles, (before he became a President) he arrived in New York City preparatory to traveling by ship to England for his mission. One of the other apostles asked him if he had any money, and he said he had plenty. The others were relieved to hear this, as they were in dire straits and in need of capital. John Taylor told them they could have all he had, and proceeded to pull a copper cent out of his pocket, the only coin he had. Surprised, the other's asked why he thought that he had plenty of money? He said that he had a place to stay and eat with them, the clothes on his back, a penny in his pocket and owed no debt. In his mind, that was indeed plenty! He was asked, how can you be so comfortable knowing that you only have a penny and not knowing what the next day will bring, and he replied, "I would rather put my money matters in the hands of the Lord than in all the kings of the earth!"
These words jumped out at me, and filled my mind. Of course, that is the key to this situation that Martin and I are in. That is why we have so far, stayed afloat without his income. It is because, Heavenly Father is mindful of our money matters, and will not forget us. We must, of course, follow the commandments and do all we can to keep the windows of heaven open, but when I realized so clearly that like John Taylor, I was being held in the palm of Heavenly Father's hand, the feelings of doubt and terror were swept away like leaves before a twister, and in the space left behind, only feelings of strength, wonder and gratitude remained.
We may lose Martin's job, we may never get workman's comp, and we may have to experience other things that should be terrifying and incomprehensible- but I won't fear, or doubt or take a "snort" in reaction to any of them. I know that whatever the future brings, if it is Father's will, it is wonderful. I am excited to see what will happen, and tickled to see each day play out while being able to spend each day and hour with Martin. If he goes back to work, this will be a time that is so precious, and I don't want to waste it crying and worrying. I know I will have good news to report, so, stay tuned and share the joy with me!