The new year

The holidays were over and a new year had begun. Life in the Home settled into a pattern that was both familiar and comforting. The funny thing is that I had stopped thinking of Mother's place as home. The children's home was my home now, and Mother's place was just a place to visit. Of course I loved my mother, but my life had taken a turn so that she was not the center of my world any longer. As a teen-ager, my life had quite a few centers, all of them valid at different times during the day and week. I had quit questioning why I had ended up at the home, now I questioned what lay in store for me. I began to realize that I had control of the situation. My actions and attitude dictated whether or not I had a good experience or not. I no longer looked at the matron as a monster, and that helped immensly. So, as the new year presented itself, changes came my way. The first major change was that I went on a diet. I woke one morning and took the usual shower. As I stepped out and began to dry myself, I was striken by the picture that presented itself in the mirror. I was fat. I had begun to get a feminine shape and had a waist, but my tummy was chubby and my thighs were large. I had never really looked at myself and I didn't like what I saw. Looking back, I was not a jiggling, rolly polly fat girl, but in my mind I was. I went to the campus nurse and asked her to help me lose weight. She was delighted to do so, and that very day I stepped on the scale weighing 210 pounds. This was horrifying to me and in my mind, I felt that I must have looked like the circus fat lady. As she tried to comfort me, the nurse told me that yes, I should lose some weight, but because I was such a tall and large framed person, I didn't have to lose as much as I thought. She told me that the weight would come right off, wait and see. She knew I could do it. Her confidence in me gave me a great feeling of determination. Yes sir, I would be successful! With a diet plan in hand, I went back to the cottage to tell Mrs. Thompson my good news. She hugged me and told me that she would back me all the way. Mindy was excited too, and wanted to join me in my new diet. She had a few pounds to lose, but not nearly as much as I did. Once again, Mindy and I would strive to make a goal together. As soon as I sat down to the dinner table, I knew that I could be in trouble. The menu for that evening was the usual fare, something fried, something stewed, something cooked with bacon, lots of gravy and hot bread. There was no place on my diet for things fried, stewed, cooked in bacon or covered with melting butter. Uh-oh. Seeing my confusion, Mrs. Thompson took my plate and served sensible portions of the dinner offerings. My plate looked like something that you would feed a toddler. Very small servings, very small! I knew I would still be hungry after dinner! Seeing my scantily filled dinner plate, one of the girls made a comment. She began to joke about the fact that I thought I could stay on a diet, and some of the other girls joined in. I began to feel embarrassed. Who did I think I was anyway? Just some fat girl that thought she could make a change. My rosy vison began to fade. I had to make a choice. Do something good for me or let ridicule rule my life. I decided to ignore the ignorance and let them see for themselves as I made progress. Picking up my fork, I took small bites and let my courage warm me for the battle ahead. I was hungry after dinner, but Mrs. Thompson told me to drink a large glass of water to see if that would help. It did. I went to bed that night and prayed for strength. I prayed that I could ignore the taunts, prayed that I could eat sensibly and prayed that I could exercise as much as possible. To me, this was a huge undertaking, really a giant step towards my future. I was hungry in the middle of the night, and hungry when I woke up. Looking to Mrs. Thompson for guidance, I filled my plate with the dictated portions and with determination, went to the table. Once again, some of the girls laughed and joked, but I joked back, not wanting them to know that they were hurting me. Mindy told me that she had known enough hungry nights in her lifetime, and she wasn't going to worry about losing weight at that time. Great. Now, I have to go it alone. But, I was determined to do so. Walking to school in the frigid air that morning, I tried to imagine the calories that I burned as I strode along. I began to imagine how it would feel when my thighs no longer slapped together when I walked. At school, I tried to keep my mind off of my hungry stomach. At lunch time, I went to the head lunch lady and explained about my new diet. She grinned hugely and took me back to the kitchen. Taking two hamburger patties out of a vat where they lay covered in grease, she put them on my tray and told me that anything I wanted I could have. She gave me her opinion of losing weight, plenty of protein! She declared that the more protein I ate the faster I would lose weight. I looked at the fat congealing around the meat on my tray and wondered what she was talking about. After giving me a slice of tomato, she told me to come every day and she would fix me up. Now I had to worry about not hurting her feelings. One more dietary problem to think about. My stomach growled and grumbled throughout the afternoon and on the way home. Each step home brought me closer to a kitchen filled with food, and the thought of all that culinary deliciousness began to wear on me. My diet plan said I could have a piece of fruit for a snack, and I wondered where I could find an apple the size of a basketball. As I walked into the back door and into the kitchen, I found Mrs.Thompson waiting for me. She asked me how my day had gone, and I told her about my experience with the lunch lady. Mrs. Thompson smiled and told me she had the perfect solution. I could take a lunch with me everyday! She was so sweet, she sat down and together we decided what I could make up for lunch each day. She told me that she knew that I would succeed on this new lifestyle and not to let the other girls get to me. Her boost of confidence was all I needed. A week passed, and I had some difficulty, especially when the other girls snacked or when a yummy dessert was placed on the table. I missed the candy bars and other prohibited treasures. Some of the meaner girls would wave sweets in my face, or take big bites of some kind of goodies, taunting me. On Sunday, I found it hard not to wander into the kitchen and nibble during the afternoon when the other girls had family visiting. No one came to see me, and this was especially hard as once again I felt unloved and unwanted. I thought that if I could eat a whole cake or a tub of ice cream, I would feel better. Somehow, I got through that afternoon without cheating. Exactly one week after starting my diet, I went back to the clinic and got on the scale. 202 lbs! I had lost 8 pounds in only a week! Of course this didn't seem like much to me, but the nurse was ecstatic and hugged me over and over. She warned me that the first week would be the best, and after that I should expect to lose only two to three pounds a week. Her enthusiasm was infectious, and I went back to the cottage with high spirits. After that, each week found me just a bit lighter. Several weeks later I had lost down to 182 lbs and had to get new clothes. Everyone was so happy for me, and I was too, but underneath it all was the unending feeling of worthlessness because I didn't feel that anyone wanted or loved me. Once in a while, Mother was able to come and visit, but when she left it only exascerbated the feelings of abandonment. I wrote to my Father who was in prison, but I had not seen him in so long, it was as though he really did not exhist. He would write back and tell me that he loved me, but by now those were only words on paper. I didn't know why, but I was unlovable. I had accepted this long ago, and it was a fact of life for me. Of course there were many who loved me, but my thinking had become clouded and I could not see it. One positive aspect of losing the weight was that at least I felt better about myself. That helped when I would fall into feelings of unworthiness. Maybe if I lost enough weight, Mother would want me again and I could find love. How sad that I did not realize the love that Mother, Grandmother, my Father and brothers held for me. What about Mindy? Mrs. Thompson? Even the Matron? Why couldn't I realize my worth? It was a shadow that followed me daily. This shadow was my secret and I kept it deeply buried. You could never have realized the pain in my heart due to my cheerfully smiling countenance and bright personality. I hid it well.