THE RAT HOLE

I TOLD YOU THAT OUR NEW HOUSE NEEDED SOME WORK, RIGHT? WELL, IT NEEDED LOTS OF WORK! REMEMBER HOWEVER, THAT WE WERE USED TO MAKING DO WITH WHATEVER WE COULD FIND AND THIS SITUATION WAS NO DIFFERENT. CALL ME A VISIONARY- I DON'T KNOW, BUT THE REPAIRS DID NOT SEEM SO DAUNTING TO ME. (MAYBE BECAUSE I WAS NOT THE ONE FIXING THEM). FIRST OF ALL, MARTIN HAD TO FIX THE LOWER SILL OF THE HOUSE. A SILL IS ONE OF THE MAIN BEAMS THAT MAKE THE BOTTOM OF THE FRAME OF THE HOUSE. SO, IF IT COLLAPSED, THE WHOLE HOUSE WOULD FALL IN. HE HAD TO INSTALL A COMPLETE NEW SILL, WHILE MAKING SURE THE HOUSE STAYED INTACT DURING THE REPAIR. HE GOT SOME HOUSE JACKS, JACKED UP THE HOUSE, AND TEMPORARILY SECURED THE FOUNDATION. NOW, ALL HE HAD TO DO, WAS TO DIG A HOLE, DRAG IN THE NEW WOODEN BEAM, TAKE OUT THE OLD DECAYED BEAM AND ATTACH THE NEW ONE. WELL, HE DUG THE HOLE. IT SEEMED LIKE A SMALL HOLE TO ME, BUT HE SAID THERE WAS LOTS OF ROOM UNDER THE HOUSE, NOT TO WORRY. HE WRIGGLED INTO THE HOLE, TURNED AROUND, REACHED OUT AND WITH MY HELP, DRAGGED THE HUGE BEAM UNDER THE HOUSE WITH HIM. "ARE YOU ALRIGHT?" I ASKED WITH TREPIDATION-(AFTER ALL YOU COULDN'T GET ME UNDER A HOUSE FOR A MILLION DOLLARS!) "YEAH, SURE BABY, I KNOW JUST WHAT I AM DOING!" (UH-OH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE A INVITATION TO DISASTER!). OKAY, SO I GUESS I WILL LEAVE HIM TO HIS JOB AND GO CHECK ON THE BABY. I AM IN THE HOUSE FOR ABOUT 10 MINUTES, HEARING BANGING AND SWEARING, SO I KNOW THAT ALL IS GOING WELL! SUDDENLY THE BANGING STOPS AND I CLEARLY HEAR A JIMENY CRICKET! (SEVERAL TYPES AND WAYS). HMMM-BETTER GO AND CHECK ON HIM. STEPPING OUT OF THE FRONT DOOR, I SEE THAT WATER IS GUSHING OUT FROM UNDER THE HOUSE! REALLY GUSHING, AND GUSHING FROM THE HOLE THAT MARTIN HAD CRAWLED INTO! OF COURSE. NOTING COMES EASY, RIGHT? I START YELLING FOR MARTIN, BUT I CANNOT SEE HIM BECAUSE OF THE GUSHING WATER. THIS LOOKS SERIOUS! I CALL AND CALL HIS NAME-I AM STARTING TO PANIC! THEN, THROUGH THE WATER, A HAND REACHES OUT. THE FINGERS OF THE HAND ARE POINTING TOWARDS THE FRONT OF THE HOUSE. I RUN TO THE FRONT, AND IN A MOMENT, A PAIR OF GREEN EYES ARE PEEPING OUT FROM UNDER THE HOUSE. (THERE WAS ABOUT 4 INCHES BETWEEN THE HOUSE AND THE GROUND). I HUNKER DOWN, AND I HEAR HIM TELL ME TO SHUT OFF THE WATER MAIN. WHAT? SHUT OFF WHAT? HE SCREAMS AT ME, "THE WATER MAIN! HURRY!" I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SHUT OFF A WATER MAIN, HECK I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A WATER MAIN IS! OUR DEAR NEIGHBOR HAS SEEN WHAT IS GOING ON, AND HE RUNS TO THE EDGE OF THE YARD, TAKES THE COVER OFF OF SOMETHING, REACHES IN AND TURNS SOMETHING ELSE. THE WATER STOPS GUSHING. MARTIN COMES CRAWLING OUT FROM UNDER THE HOUSE, BLACK WITH MUD FROM HEAD TO TOE. I AM CRYING, MY NERVES ARE SHOT, I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO DROWN. HE WALKS UP TO THE NEIGHBOR IN MALE COMARADARIE, AND SAYS, "JIMENY CRICKET, I BUSTED THE JIMENY CRICKET WATER MAIN UNDER THE HOUSE!" THE NEIGHBOR REPLYS, "YEAH, I BUSTED A JIMENY CRICKET ONE MYSELF ONE TIME." THE TESTERONE IS FLOWING, AS THE MEN RECALL OTHER HOME REPAIR DISASTERS IN THE PAST AND I AM TOTALLY IGNORED. OFF THEY GO IN THE NEIGHBOR'S PICK-UP TO THE HARWARE STORE, WITHOUT MY FINDING OUT IF MARTIN SUFFERED ANY ILL EFFECTS OF ALMOST BEING DROWNED! LATER, THE MEN RETURN, BOTH CRAWL UNDER THE HOUSE AND THE BANGING AND SWEARING COMMENCE ONCE AGAIN. FINALLY, AFTER AN HOUR OR SO, OUT THEY COME, GRINNING FROM EAR TO EAR, AND SILENTLY CRONGRATULATING THEMSELVES FOR A JOB WELL DONE. (I SAY SILENTLY, THE BODY LANGUAGE SAID IT ALL). THE WATER IS TURNED BACK ON AND I SEE THE OPPORTUNITY TO BE A GOOD WIFE. I GO UP TO MARTIN AND TELL HIM WHAT A GREAT JOB HE DID. "NO THANKS TO YOU!"HE SAYS, "I ALMOST DROWNED UNDER THERE!" WELL! HOW DARE HE! THAT IS THE FIRST TIME I LEARNED NOT TO INTERFERE IN A TESTOSTERONE CONGRATULATIONS PARTY. GOT TO BE TOUGH. PUT THE LITTLE WOMAN IN HER PLACE! SO, LIKE A GOOD WIFE, I WENT TO THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE, GOT THE WATER HOSE, AND BLASTED HIM FULL IN THE FACE. "OOOPS! I MEANT TO GET YOUR CLOTHES. SORRY SUGAR!" I TELL HIM WITH ALL THE INNOCENCE IN THE WORLD. "CAN I GET YOU BOYS A COLD DRINK?" UPON SEEING THE LOOK ON MARTIN'S FACE, I DECIDE THAT NOW IS A GOOD TIME TO JUST LET THEM BE. THERE WERE NUMEROUS OTHER PROBLEMS THAT NEEDED TO BE ADDRESSED, BUT NONE SO WORRISOM AS BIG RAT. ONE MORNING, I GOT UP TO FIND THE CANNED GOODS SCATTERED OUT OF THE CABINET AND ALL OVER THE COUNTER. CONFUSED, I ASKED MARTIN WHY HE HAD DONE THAT. "WASN'T ME," HE SAID, "I THOUGHT YOU WERE ORGANIZING OR SOMETHING." NO, NOT ORGANIZING-ESPECIALLY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! AFTER THAT, THE BREAD WAS MISSING, OR ANOTHER CUPBOARD WAS OPEN AND THE CONTENTS FALLEN OUT. IT DOSENT' TAKE MUCH TO FIGURE OUT THAT WE HAVE AN UNWELCOME GUEST IN THE HOUSE. ONE NIGHT, WE HEARD SOMETHING CHEWING. CRUNCH, CRUNCH-MY IMAGINATION BEGAN TO RUN WILD. WHATEVER IT WAS, WAS TRYING TO GET TO ME. COULD IT BE UNDER THE BED? IN THE ATTIC? WHERE? WE GOT OURSELVES A CAT. SORRY CAT ONLY LAY ABOUT AND DID NOTHING. THEN FINALLY ONE DAY, WE FOUND OUT WHERE THE MYSTERY GUEST WAS HIDING. WE HAD BUCKETS OF WHEAT FOR OUR FOOD STORAGE, AND IT WAS IN THE BATHROOM CLOSET. THE CHEWING NOISE WAS COMING FROM THAT CLOSET, SO WE ASSUMED THE MONSTER WAS IN THERE. I PUT A CAN OF TUNA IN THE CLOSET HOPING THAT LAZY CAT WOULD GO IN AND CHASE OUT THE MONSTER. AFTER PUTTING THE OPEN CAN OF TUNA IN THE CLOSET, I JUMPED UP ON THE TOILET SEAT, AND OF COURSE THE CAT JUMPED UP BEHIND ME. ( I GUESS HE FIGURED HE DIDN'T WANT ANY OF THAT ACTION) MARTIN DECIDED THAT HE WAS GOING IN. (HE HAS RAT PHOBIA BY THE WAY). SO, HE STOOD UP ON A BUCKET IN THE DOORWAY OF THE CLOSET AND BEGAN TO TAKE THE BUCKETS OUT ONE BY ONE. FINALLY, ONLY TWO REMAINED, AND SINCE NOTHING CAME OUT, THE MONSTER MUST BE STILL THERE. MARTIN HAD A SHEEN OF PERSPIRATION ON HIS FORHEAD, AND HIS HANDS WERE SHAKING. I WAS STILL ON THE TOILET WITH A BROOM IN MY HAND, AND THE CAT WAS LOOKING BETWEEN MY LEGS AT THE GOINGS ON. YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES YOU JUST DO SOMETHING FOR THE HECK OF IT. YOU DON'T WANT ANYONE TO GET HURT, JUST FOR THE FUN OF IT. MARTIN WAS BALANCED ON THE BUCKET, STRETCHED TO THE LIMIT AS FAR AS HIS APE ARMS COULD GO, SCARED TO DEATH BUT BEING THE MAN OF THE HOUSE, KNOWING THAT A MONSTER RAT COULD JUMP OUT AT HIM AT ANYTIME. I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT THE MISCHEVIOUS MISTRESS OVERCAME ME AND I TOOK THE SWEEPING END OF THE BROOM, RAKED IT BETWEEN HIS SPRADDLED LEGS AND SCREAMED, "RAT!" THE NEXT FEW SECONDS WILL BE FOREVER BURNED INTO MY BRAIN. AS SOON AS I GOUGED HIM WITH THE BROOM AND SCREAMED RAT, MARTIN LEPT FROM THE BUCKET STRAIGHT INTO THE TOP OF THE DOORJAM AND SERIOUSLY CRACKED BOTH THE DOORJAM AND HIS HEAD. HE IS QUITE NIMBLE I FOUND, BECAUSE HE THEN TURNED IN MIDAIR AND JUMPED FOR THE TUB, SWINGING ON THE SHOWER CURTAIN ROD WITH ONE HAND AND HOLDING HIS, (YOU KNOW) WITH THE OTHER, AS HE THOUGHT THE RAT HAD GOTTEN HIM THERE. THE SCREAM HE LET OUT WAS PRIMEVAL. HE LANDED ON HIS BACK IN THE TUB AND TANGLED HIMSELF IN THE FALLEN SHOWER CURTAIN. IN THE MIDST OF THE COMMOTION, I SAW A TINY FLASH OF FUR RUN FROM THE CLOSET AND DOWN THE HALL. IT COULD HAVE BEEN A MOUSE, OR A SQUIRREL, I WILL NEVER KNOW, BECAUSE YOU SEE, I WAS RUNNING IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. I THOUGHT IT WISE TO PUT SOME SPACE BETWEEN MARTIN AND ME- YOU KNOW, JUST IN CASE HE DIDN'T THINK IT WAS AS FUNNY AS I DID. (I DIDN'T THINK HE WOULD REACT QUITE SO HYSTERICALLY). SISSY WAS IN THE BATHROOM, TRYING TO HELP DADDY, AND THE CAT THEN DECIDED THAT HE COULD HAVE THE TUNA AFTER ALL. WE NEVER DID ACTUALLY FIND OUT WHAT THE MONSTER RODENT WAS, I THINK WE SCARED IT OFF PERMANENTLY. SOMETIMES MY SENSE OF HUMOR GETS ME IN TROUBLE-I HAVE TO REALLY WATCH IT ESPECIALLY WHEN THE OPPORTUNITY ARISES TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN AT MARTIN'S EXPENSE. LOOKING BACK, THE DIFFICULTIES THAT LITTLE HOUSE PRESENTED, HAVE GIVEN US SOME EXCELLENT MEMORIES. MORE TOMORROW! LOVE, NANASEE