The gift of receiving

It is funny how you may think you are above something, and yet it is a huge problem. For me, it is pride. I didn't think that I had a problem with pride, after all, I am Nanasee- which is supposed to encompass so many good qualities. Pride is something that stunts your advancement, keeps you from exploring new opportunities and so much more. But, alas, I discovered that I am guilty of having too much pride. Don't get me wrong, I am not talking about the kind of pride where I feel I am too good to associate with "people", or the pride of being judgemental, or even the pride of thinking that I am better than others. I know for a surety that I am not. I am talking about the pride of exposing my needs to others. So many love me, so many care, so many want to help. I am ashamed of letting others in, to see my vulnerability. Why, I would weigh myself on Good Morning America before I would admit that I have chosen to be more frugal. It is very difficult for me to say that I cannot participate in something because my budget won't allow it. I am embarrassed by the the look given by others when they hear this, because inevetably the next words out of their mouths are, " Oh, don't worry, I'll get it for you, Let me pay this time, or even, It is on me". There were days not so long ago, that I would proudly proclaim those same sentiments to others. I see so much more, now that I am in Ant mode. Why did I always feel that I had to step up and take care of everything for everyone? I could not see if they were uncomfortable with my magnanimous attitude, in reality, I just wanted to make them feel better.
Recently, I have been graciously treated to lunch several times, breakfast a few times and other small gifts. Each time, I felt so embarrassed, because, I actually had to face my "Antness" and see life clearly. How I love those who have been so good to me. Behind their backs, I have shed tears of embarassment and really struggled to graciously accept those loving gifts. My daughter taught me a valuable lesson just last night, and with it, the gift of understanding. Someone near and dear to me has invited Martin and I to a pricey restaurant in honor of Martin, Becky and Robby's birthdays. She is going to pay for the birthday people, but the rest of us are on our own. When my daughter told me of this, I had to admit that "my budget won't allow me to go." My daughter said, "oh Mother, I am going to pay for you. Don't worry!" I was flooded with the same feelings of embarassment and maybe even resentment that she would even have to offer. I told her that I could not accept her offer, and would work something out. Again, she told me that it was not a problem, and that she wanted me to be with the family at the dinner. I flatly refused telling her that I did not want to be a burden on her. With great exasperation, she told me that I was being silly and to lay off the drama. She reminded me of her success in her career, and the fact that one dinner would not break her. With the beginning of some tell-tale sniffles, I again refused her offer. Then, with the wisdom that she was born with, she said with a grin, "Tell you what. You can take the cost of the dinner off of the babysitting money I am paying you. How's that?" I felt like the cleansing flood of Niagara Falls suddenly fell on my head. She was giving me a gracious way to accept her gift without my pride getting in the way. Looking at her, I realized that she is indeed a very special person, full of wisdom and charity, love and compassion. I immediatley agreed to go to the dinner, and in that moment, I felt relief and joy. I was no longer accepting charity, but earning my way.
Now, why couldn't I have just given in and said Thank You to her first offer? Why was I so quick to deny her the gifts of charity?
Accepting an offer from someone who loves you encompasses so much more than just the gift. The gift giver receives so much in return. They receive the gift of knowing that they have made someone they love very happy. They feel the joy of knowing that they are in the service of Heavenly Father when they give freely. It is a gift rare and special when it is given with a happy heart, and intended to relieve the anxiety of someone else. I am guilty of wanting to make every one happy, always giving to others just so I can feel such wonderful feelings. I truly want the other person to be happy, but the feelings I get in return are almost as powerful as a drug, as I get such an emotional high from the act.
What a wonderful lesson I have learned. Once again, being an Ant is teaching me exponetially more than just how to budget money. I am learning more by this experience than I ever thought possible. I am becoming a better person. I love it. I hope to always be an Ant, and never again a Grasshopper. Love, Nanasee