Once again, I am back! I had the flu and I cannot believe how sick I was. I couldn't even sit up to write, but things are better and I am back!

Now to continue the Children's Home Experience.

When I left off, I had had a life changing spiritual experience that has shaped my life even till today. That experience was the basis of my sure knowlege that Heavenly Father lives and loves all of his children, and even when things are very grave, he is there, watching over me and you and guiding us with his wisdom and love. As I walked back to the cottage from having stood over the swimming pool with the desire to end my life, I basked in the feelings of excitement knowing that I would have a good life and one day, would find love and happiness. In my young mind, if Heavenly Father said so, then it would be. From dispair to elation, my life had changed in one moment, one experience. I now knew that I didn't have to be anything but a teenager going through teenaged things. My future was secure, and although I could not have know how difficult that security would be to obtain, just knowing that a wonderful future awaited me gave me freedom beyond measure. So what if no one came to visit me? One day I would be important to someone special. I would have babies to whom I would be the whole world. I had food, shelter, friends and intelligence, everything I needed to make the most of my situation. And, what was my situation anyway? Where did I stand in the grand scheme of life? I went to my room, took out some paper and began to make a list. Who was I? Well, I was a young girl, born to parents that had difficulties of their own, granddaughter to grandparents that were very special, sister to two brothers who I loved and who loved me. I was kind, loving and cared for the feelings of others. I had regular pity parties for myself, until I looked around and saw what real difficulty entailed. I could smile. I had fear. Fear that I would get into trouble, fear that I would not be liked or accepted, fear that I would never be skinny and beautiful, fear that my family life was forever behind me, and fear of so many other things. I also had confidence. I was sure of my ability to make the best of any situation, sure of the power of honesty and courage, sure of the goodness of being kind, and sure that I could bring a smile to anyone who perhaps needed me. In between fear and confidence, I had insecurity. I was not like the other girls. If body shape made you accepted, then that was forever out of my reach. I was yet too young to know that being unique was not a bad thing if you could use that uniqueness for postive experiences for myself and others. So, at the time, I still equated a perfect body with success. That would take a long time to change for me, but I had the gift of reality, knowing that my happiness depended on what I could do with what I had. I knew that I could not be a part of the group at the home, as they had little regard for the consequences of breaking regulations. As long as they did not get caught, then it was alright to do anything. So, who was I? A young girl carving out a path in life with uncertainities, and the ability to make that path as good and bearable as possible.
Where in life was I? Hardly anchored to anything, no place to really call home base, floating in a sea of islands that I was unable or afraid to connect to. What were these Islands? One was disobedience. To partake of the social life of many of those around me, I would have to choose disobedience and disregard for regulation. I would have plenty of company, but this would mean that I would have to abandon my work and study ethic, my moral quilt, my ability to be true to myself. This sounds abhorrant, but what I am saying is that those with whom I would associate to be popular did not share my goals, and in order to be a part of the "crowd", I would have to abandon my goals of good grades, good character and self-worth. Would it be worth it to be popular? To be accepted? Yo a young girl, maybe. To me? No. I would continue to be the object of ridicule due to my determination to make good grades, attend church and stay out of trouble. Another Island was self-pity. I felt sorry for myself because I did not have a strong family unit. I wanted a family like those on TV, like "Leave It to Beaver", like "The Donna Reed Show" and others. I wanted to sit down at dinner and talk about my day, have my father be amused at my antics and my mother there to talk to me and solve my problems. I wanted to go to bed at night knowing I would wake up the next day with nothing more to think about than what I would wear to school and if I could make it on the cheer squad. Yes, the island of self-pity called strongly to me, but somehow I avoided it as much a possible. Another Island was self-worth. Was that a place that I could be? Could I let my self-worth be the guiding post in my life? I hope not, as I had very little self-worth. So, where was I in life? I was constantly swimming, dog paddling, and staying afloat, trying to avoid the negative islands that threatened to trap me. Good thing I am a strong swimmer. One island that I tried to anchor to was the island of love, caring and compassion. I could not always stay on that island, but I tried to be there as much as possible. I found great joy in feeling the joy and gratitude of those with whom I associated and accepted in spite of their differences. I did not know it, but part of that island was mysterious and dark. It was the part that required love, caring and compassion for myself. I could not find that area of this island, and so, even though there was happiness there, I could not find it concerning me. In my mind, I was fat, ugly, tall, had big feet and no beauty. I disguised this well though, and was outgoing and friendly, telling myself that it didn't matter who I was or how I looked. But wait-Heavenly Father had told me that I was special. That I deserved love, that I was loved. So, who was telling me differently? And then I got it! I was different, but I was not bad. I was good. I was unique and I was good. Right then, at that very moment, I vowed that when those bad feelings came on me, no matter what the source, I would try to remember the moment when I realized that I was good. I would come to realize that this is much easier to desire than to do, but that pivotal moment in my life, when I was making my list and realized that I was good and would continue to be good if I strived to do so was the start of the life that would turn out to be more than I could ever imagine. And when people would say to me, "oh, how have you turned out to be so happy after everything you have been through?", I would smile and say, "I am just lucky I guess!" And, as you will see as I continue to write The Children's Home Experience" many wonderful experiences awaited me, as well as some troubling ones. The difference is that I now had ammunition to face trouble and stand strong.