I was loved

There had been some really big changes in my life. I was now in the 9th grade and loving it, I had a major crush on my English instructor, I had a loving little pet to keep me company, and out of the blue I had received a letter from my father telling me that he was coming to see me. He had been released from prison and was starting a new life and he wanted to bring his family together again. He wrote that he was going to visit me on a Sunday afternoon in the near future. This was a real wake-up call. I had learned to love being in the home, there was so much for me there. I had learned so much about myself, the freedom of having confidence in myself, and the pleasure in life of knowing that so much more awaited me. My dad had said that he wanted to bring his family back together again, but was that something that I wanted? It wouldn't be a family with my parents together, I knew that for sure, and I had had some pretty hard experiences with dad and his temper. I didn't know if that had changed, nor did I know if alcohol would be a problem. In the home, I had become accostomed to a schedule, to school, to work and to so many other things. I felt comfortable in my surroundings, and had even almost forgotten the situation I was in before coming to the home. I no longer expected Mother to take us out of the home. I really didn't even want to leave, I didn't want to experience major changes in my life again. I was happy right where I was. This did not mean that I didn't want to see my Father after so many years. There were some times we had spent together that I did remember with fondness, and I did want to see him and reunite with him. I had been ten years old when he went into prison, and I was another completely different person now. Thinking about it, I wanted to impress him with who I was. I knew he would like me if we could get to know each other again. I really had no intention of starting to be a family with him again, but I did want to know him. The Sunday that he was to visit arrived and for days I had been a nervous wreck. What if he didn't like me? What if he was dissapointed with me? What if he wanted me to go with him right away? I stayed awake many nights with such questions rolling around in my head. That Sunday, I dressed with extra care before church and figited for the whole church service. My stomach hurt, my nerves were shot and I was so nervous. I couldn't eat lunch, and I kept watching the clock. Dad had not said what time he was coming, so I didn't know for sure when he would get there. The afternoon wore on as I sat in front of the bay window in the visiting room. Each time a car went by, I jumped up and ran to the door. Time passed but none of the cars were arriving for me. I paced the carpet, waiting, waiting. I sat down again, and chewed my nails. I looked at the clock and to my surprise, it was after four o'clock in the afternoon. Some of the other girls had been picked up for visits from their family, and I was still waiting for my father to arrive. All of the witty conversation that I had planned began to seep from my mind. Was it possible that he was not coming? It was fourty miles from Atlanta where he would drive from, perhaps he got lost. I began to lose hope. When the clock struck five o'clock, I knew that he was not coming. Why? Why was he not there as he had said he would be? Why? I decided that I would walk to the gates at the entrance of the home in case he was still coming and I would see him when he arrived. The usually long walk was very short that evening. Before I knew it, I was at the gates, alone. Then, like a tidal wave all of the doubts, fears and insecurities came crashing over me. I was no one special. Nothing had changed. No one gave a damn about me, no one. How could I have been so stupid to believe that Dad or anyone would want to spend any time with me? I clearly saw the truth for what it was. I was alone in the world and had no one to turn to. The pain in my heart was crushing me. Suddenly it was clear what I had to do. There was nothing for me in this world of pain, no where to go, no future. I was insignificant, a speck on the highway of life, and if I died, no one would care. But I realized that if I died, the pain would stop and I would have peace at last. What a wonderful thought-dying- and having no more pain. There was no one to stop me, no one who would bother to stop me. I would simply be gone. Clearly the plan formed in my mind. I would just jump in the deep end of the swimming pool and stay under until I had drowned. The pool was only a short distance from where I was standing and even though the air was very chilly, it didn't matter. With determination, I walked to the pool. It seemed as though a loving friend was reaching out to comfort me, calling me to let it end my misery. The rays of the fading sun rippled through the clear water as I stood on the edge of the pool. I was an excellent swimmer, but I was determined to stay under until I was dead. "Come to me" the water seemed to whisper. I don't know how long I stood there, but suddenly, from behind, someone put their arms around me and whispered in my ear, "My daughter, I love you. Don't do this. Your life will be more magnificent than you can imagine. You have children waiting for you and a companion that will love you forever. Step back, have courage. You are not alone. I love you". Time stopped for me in that instant. I felt the arms of love encircling me, I heard the words of love and encouragement. I knew, so powerfully, that those were heavenly arms, and heavenly words. I stepped back from the edge of the pool. The darkness and desperation lifted. My mind filled with light, and a powerful, strengthening surge of love and courage jolted throughout my whole being. I was loved! I was special! I would have love, children and a wonderful life in my future! I knew then, that I had to spend the next few years preparing for the future that had been promised to me. I realized that tears were coursing from my eyes, but they were tears of joy. That was the defining moment in my life. I has so much worth, that Heavenly Father took the time to assure me of his love and faith in me. I would never let him down. As I walked back to the cottage in the twilight of the evening, I had tender thoughts of my father. He would have come if he had been able, I knew that. I held no resentment. I was loved, and that was all that mattered.