MY BIRTHDAY

I HAVE ENTITLED THIS POST "MY BIRTHDAY" AS IT WAS THE DAY THAT I DID NOT DIE, AND STARTED A NEW LIFE. I AWOKE FROM THE SURGERY. I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE I WAS, WHO I WAS OR WHAT HAD HAPPENED. I COULD'T MOVE. I FELT NO PAIN, ACTUALLY FELT THAT I WAS IN A COMA. I REALIZED THAT SOMEONE WAS CALLING MY NAME, AND IT WAS MARTIN. THOSE EYES AGAIN. THOSE LOVING EYES, SPARKLING WITH TEARS, AND SOMETHING ELSE- RELIEF, LOVE, GRATITUDE. I FOCUSED ON THOSE GREEN EYES, I FELT MY SOUL CONNECTING WITH THEM ONCE AGAIN, AND BEGAN TO COME BACK TO LIFE. WHY COULDN'T I MOVE? MY ARMS AND LEGS WOULD NOT OBEY ME. I WANTED TO TOUCH MARTIN'S FACE-ASSURE MYSELF THAT HE WAS REAL. I BLINKED, BUT THAT WAS ABOUT ALL I COULD DO. THE CHILDREN SWARMED AROUND MY BED-"MAMA, MAMA, OH MAMA THANK GOD YOU ARE BACK WITH US!" WHERE HAD I BEEN? SLOWLY, EVER SO SLOWLY, THINGS BEGAN TO FALL INTO PLACE. OH YES, THE BIG QUESTION, WAS IT CANCER? MY MOUTH WOULD NOT WORK. I COULD NOT TALK. ONLY LOOK AT MY FAMILY. MARTIN WAS SAYING SOMETHING, WHISPERING TO ME THAT THE TUMOR WAS TOO BIG TO REMOVE ALL THE WAY, AND THEY HAD TO LEAVE HALF OF IT IN ME. TUMOR? WAS IT CANCER? SOMEONE TELL ME!!! MY INDEX FINGER COULD MOVE A BIT, AND I TAPPED IT ON THE BED. TAP, TAP, TAP..... LOOK AT ME!!! TAP, TAP, TAP. TAP HARDER!! TAP, TAP..."LOOK DAD, SHE'S MOVING HER FINGER!" I STARED HARD AT AARON, WILLING HIM TO UNDERSTAND WHAT I WAS TRYING TO DO. I BEGAN TO TRACE LETTERS ON THE BED WITH MY FINGER---OH, WHY WAS IT SO HARD? SLOWLY, I TRACED A "C", THEN AN "A", AND THEN ALMOST EXHAUSTED, AN "N", I WAS TRYING TO SPELL CANCER- AARON WAS WATCHING AND SPELLED THE LETTERS AS I TRACED THEM. C-A-N- "CAN, CAN, CAN WE WHAT MAMA? CAN WE WHAT?" WHAT WAS WRONG WITH MY IDIOT SON?!! ALL THAT WORK, AND HE DIDN'T EVEN GET IT!!! MARTIN SAID, "SHE WANTS TO KNOW IF SHE HAS CANCER", AND I CLOSED MY EYES IN RELIEF. "NO, SWEETHEART, YOU DON'T HAVE CANCER, BUT YOU ARE VERY SICK, AND THERE IS SO MUCH TO DO TO HELP YOU". THE DOCTOR COULD ONLY REACH THE TUMOR THAT WAS ON YOUR HEART AND LUNGS, BUT IT HAS SPREAD DEEPLY INTO YOUR NECK AND FACE, MAYBE INTO YOUR HEAD. YOU HAVE TO SURVIVE THIS FIRST SURGERY BEFORE THEY CAN GO IN AND TRY TO GET THE REST OF IT. YOU HAVE A LONG WAY TO GO, BUT YOU CAN DO IT". I CLEARLY REMEMBER THINKING THAT IF HE SAID I COULD DO IT, THEN I COULD. HE TOLD ME THAT I COULD NOT MOVE BECAUSE I WAS PARTIALLY PARALIZED SO THAT I WOULD NOT MOVE THE CLIPS HOLDING MY BREAST BONE TOGETHER. I HAD A VENTILATOR TUBE DOWN MY THROAT, TUBES IN MY CHEST AND STOMACH, TUBES IN MY ARMS AND A TUBE IN MY NECK. I WAS FLAT ON MY BACK AND ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS TO SLEEP. SO, I DID. LATER, I AWOKE TO TREMENDOUS PAIN-PAIN IN MY CHEST, BACK, HEAD AND REALLY ALL OVER. THE PAIN WAS SUCH, THAT I JUST WANTED TO LAY THERE, EVEN TO GROAN WOULD HAVE HURT MORE, SO I DIDN'T WHIMPER OR ANYTHING. THE TUBE IN MY THROAT HURT SO MUCH, AND I KEPT TRYING TO SWALLOW, BUT THAT WAS AGONY. I REALIZED THAT A MACHINE WAS BREATHING FOR ME. ALL I COULD MOVE WAS MY EYES. I HAD THE THOUGHT THAT I WOULD JUST DIE OF EMBARRASSMENT IF A NURSE HAD TO GIVE ME A BATH IN BED-AND OTHER SILLY TRAINS OF THOUGHT. I HAD CRAZY NIGHTMARES. IT WAS SO QUIET, AND ALL I COULD SEE WERE THE TILES ON THE CEILING. I FELL ASLEEP AGAIN. I AWOKE TO A NURSE TELLING ME THEY WERE GOING TO IRRIGATE MY CHEST TO REMOVE MUCUS- AND SHE PROMPTLY SQUIRTED WATER INTO MY AIR TUBE CAUSING ME TO COUGH. I TRULY THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE. IT FELT LIKE SOMEONE HAD PLUNGED AN AX INTO MY CHEST, AND I ALMOST LOST CONCIOUSNESS. SHE VACCUMED OUT THE WATER, AND SAID, "THERE NOW, THAT WASN'T SO BAD, WAS IT?" I SAID, (TO MYSELF, AS I COULD NOT TALK) "WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!!" ANOTHER NURSE CAME IN AND PUT PRESSURE STOCKINGS ON MY LEGS. NURSE AFTER NURSE PARADED THROUGH THE ROOM, CHANGING FLUID BAGS, TAKING VITAL SIGNS, CHECKING ON ME. ALL I COULD DO WAS LAY THERE, AND STARE AT THE CELING. WHEN I WOULD WAKE UP AGAIN, MARTIN WAS THERE. I WOULD CLOSE MY EYES, AND WHEN I OPENED THEM, MARTIN WAS THERE. HE CRIED, HE PRAYED, HE HELD MY HAND. HE WAS ALWAYS THERE. I DIDN'T REALIZE IT, BUT HE COULD ONLY COME IN FOR A FEW MINUTES AT A TIME SEVERAL HOURS APART, BUT SINCE I WAS IN AND OUT OF IT, I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT HE HAD STEPPED BACK OUT TO THE WAITING ROOM. THOSE GREEN EYES KEPT ME GOING. THE LOVE THAT REACHED OUT TO ME GAVE ME LIFE. I SURVIVED THE FIRST DAY. THE FIRST NIGHT. THE NEXT DAY, THE VENTILATOR TUBE CAME OUT, AND I FELT BETTER. THE PAIN WAS CRUSHING ME, SO I DIDN'T MOVE. SLOWLY, THEY ALLOWED MY ARMS AND LEGS TO BEGAN TO BE ABLE TO MOVE. I TRIED TO TALK, BUT I COULD'T MAKE ANY NOISE. MY THROAT WAS SWOLLEN, BUT ALSO, THE TUMOR HAD WRAPPED AROUND MY VOCAL NERVE, AND MY CHORDS WERE NOT RESPONDING DUE TO TRAUMA. MY CHEST HAD CLIPS ALL DOWN THE FRONT OF IT. THERE WAS NO DRESSING ON THE CLIPS, SO I COULD FEEL THEM. OWEN CAME IN WITH BOBBIE JO TO VISIT ME. I WAS SO GOOFY, I OPENED MY GOWN, EXPOSING ALL OF MY CHEST AND SAID, "LOOK OWEN, LOOK WHAT THEY DID TO ME!"(BASICALLY, I CROAKED THOSE WORDS, THEY WERE UNINTELLIGBLE). OWEN CHOKED AND TURNED AWAY, SAYING, "BOBBIE, MAKE HER QUIT! MAKE HER QUIT~!" BOBBIE GENTLY COVERED ME, SNICKERING ALL THE WHILE. THAT DAY PASSED, AND SOMEHOW, I SLOWLY CAME BACK TO LIFE. I WAS TOLD THAT IF I CONTINUED TO IMPROVE AT THAT RATE, I COULD WITHSTAND ANOTHER SURGERY IN A FEW DAYS TO TRY TO REMOVE THE REST OF THE TUMOR. I WILL CONTINUE TOMORROW, AND TELL YOU MORE OF THIS EXPERIENCE! LOVE, NANASEE