FOOT IN MOUTH!

TODAY, I WAS TALKING TO A FRIEND AND WE WERE DISCUSSING THE MANY WAYS YOU CAN REALLY EMBARRASS YOURSELF! IT USUALLY STARTS WITH NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO WHAT YOU ARE DOING OR SAYING, AND THEN, YOU PUT YOUR FOOT IN YOUR MOUTH OR WORSE! FOR INSTANCE-WHEN I WENT TO HAVE BECKY, I HAD A FALSE LABOR INCIDENT AND WENT TO THE HOSPITAL THINKING IT WAS THE REAL MCCOY. AS I SAT IN THE EXAM ROOM, MY DOCTOR CAME BURSTING IN, WORRIED THAT HE WAS TOO LATE. THE REASON FOR THIS IS BECAUSE I WAS ALREADY DILATED TO 4 CM AND HAD BEEN FOR AT LEAST A WEEK. MY DOCTOR WAS FROM KENYA, AND HAD BEEN ATTENDING A PARTY WEARING TRADITONAL KENYAN DRESS. HE CAME IN WEARING A ROBE, HAT AND SHOES VIBRANTLY COLORED AND DECORATED. I DIDN'T KNOW WHO IT WAS, AS I HAD NOT SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THAT BEFORE. OF COURSE I JUMPED WHEN HE CAME IN, I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE HIM. BUT, WHEN HE BEGAN TO SPEAK, I REALIZED IT WAS MY DOCTOR, AND STARTED TO LAUGH. IMAGINE THE SURPRISE OF THE NURSES WHEN I SAID TO HIM, " OH, DR. KORSAH, IT IS YOU! I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE WITH YOUR CLOTHES ON!" IT TOOK A MINUTE, BUT EVERYONE GOT THE DRIFT, AND LAUGHED EVEN MORE WHEN MY FACE BEAMED BRIGHT RED AT THE IMPLICATION OF MY WORDS. ANOTHER TIME, I WAS AT CHURCH AND IT WAS JUST AFTER THE SERVICE. THE CONGREGATION WAS FILING OUT, AND I WAS DISTRACTED, THINKING OF THE SUNDAY SCHOOL LESSON I HAD TO TEACH. WHILE I WAS STANDING THERE, I THOUGHT MARTIN CAME UP TO ME. I WONDERED WHY HE WAS WALKING PAST ME, AND WITHOUT THINKING, I SMACKED HIM ON THE BEHIND SAYING, "HEY BIG BOY, THERE'S MORE OF THAT WHERE THIS CAME FROM!". I KNEW IMMEDIATLEY THAT IT WAS NOT MARTIN'S BEHIND, AS IT WAS SUPER HARD AND MUSCULAR, AND, LOOKING UP, I SAW THAT I HAD JUST SMACKED THE BEHIND OF OUR BISHOP! HE WAS TALL AND LARGE LIKE MARTIN, I JUST WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION! HE SAID, "SISTER SEE, I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT ANYMORE OF THAT!" BUT WITH HUMOR IN HIS VOICE. ALL I COULD DO WAS STAMMER AND BLUSH AND SWEAT- AND WORSE OF ALL, THE GOSSIP OF OUR CHURCH WARD WAS STANDING RIGHT THERE. I COULD LITERALLY SEE IN HER EYES THAT IT WOULD NOT TAKE LONG FOR EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT I HAD ASSAULTED OUR BISHOP. "I THOUGHT YOU WERE MARTIN!" I STAMMERED TO THE BISHOP. HE JUST SMILED AND TURNED TO KEEP GOING, AND OF COURSE, MARTIN CAME UP AND SAID, "MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU WILL WATCH WHERE YOU ARE SMACKING!" HE GOT A GOOD LAUGH OUT OF IT, THAT'S FOR SURE. ANOTHER TIME, I WAS STANDING IN LINE AT A CHURCH THANKSGIVING DINNER. THE LINE WAS QUITE LONG, AND I WAS TRYING TO BE PATIENT. I HAD THE KIDS, AND MARTIN WAS NO WHERE TO BE FOUND. I THOUGHT, AS USUAL, HE HAD GONE AHEAD AND GOTTEN SEATING FOR US. AS I STOOD IN LINE, I FELT A PINCH ON MY BACKSIDE. I JUMPED AND SWUNG AROUND, ONLY TO FIND ONE OF THE MOST REVERENT MEMBERS OF THE WARD STANDING BEHIND ME. HE WAS THE FATHER OF SEVEN BOYS, AND WAS LOOKING OFF INTO THE DISTANCE- AND I SAID, "EXCUSE ME??? DID YOU WANT SOMETHING?" HE LOOKED STARTLED, AND DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT, AND I KNEW THAT HE WOULD NEVER, EVER, PINCH A LADY ON THE BACKSIDE- BUT SOMEONE DID, AND HE WAS THE ONLY ONE BEHIND ME. I DECIDED THAT EVEN IF HE DID IT AND WAS ACTING COOL, IT WAS ONLY A JOKE, AND I JUST LET IT GO. AS I TURNED AROUND AND STOOD IN LINE, ONCE AGAIN, ANOTHER PINCH ON MY HINEY GOT MY ATTENTION. I WHIRLED AROUND ONCE AGAIN, ONLY TO FIND THIS SAME BROTHER TOTALLY UNAWARE OF MY GROWING ANGER. AGAIN, I REALIZED THAT THIS MAN WOULD NEVER PINCH ME, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON. AGAIN, I TURNED BACK AROUND TO WAIT IN LINE. I KNEW THAT MY BOYS WERE NOT THE CULPRITS, AS THEY WERE IN FRONT OF ME, BUT I ALSO KNEW THAT GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY, THEY WOULD NOT HESITATE TO DO SOMETHING LIKE PINCH ME AND RUN. I WAS REALLY CONFUSED. SUDDENLY, A VICIOUS PINCH, REALLY HARD THIS TIME ACCOSTED ME. I WHIRLED AROUND AND SAID, "ALRIGHT BUDDY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE UP TO, BUT IF YOU PINCH ME ONE MORE TIME, I AM GOING TO RIP YOUR ARM OFF AND BEAT YOU WITH IT!" TRULY SHOCKED, HE SAID, "SISTER SEE! WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHO PINCHED YOU?" IT WAS APPARENT THAT HE HAD NO CLUE AS TO WHAT WAS GOING ON. AND THEN- I HEARD IT. MUFFLED LAUGHING. THEN, I SAW IT. THE CURTAIN HAD BEEN DRAWN BETWEEN THE SANCTUARY AND THE CULTURAL HALL WHERE WE WERE HAVING DINNER. THE CURTAIN DID NOT QUITE MEET TOGETHER, AND I COULD HEAR SOMEONE LAUGHING ON THE OTHER SIDE. I YANKED THE CURTAIN APART, ONLY TO FIND MARTIN ON HIS KNEES, HOLDING HIS SIDES, LAUGHING AS HARD AS HE COULD. IT SEEMS THAT HE WAS REACHING THROUGH THE CURTAIN TO PINCH MY BACKSIDE, KNOWING THAT I WOULD THINK THAT IT WAS THAT POOR OTHER BROTHER. I SHOULD HAVE BEEN FURIOUS, BUT ALL I COULD SEE WAS WHAT HE SAW, A LARGE WOMAN BEARING DOWN ON AN INNCOCENT VICTIM, READY TO BASH HIS BRAINS OUT FOR PINCHING HER FANNY! I JUST STARTED HOWLING WITH LAUGHTER, AND EVERYONE TURNED TO SEE WHAT WAS SO FUNNY. I DIDN'T CARE, I JUST LAUGHED HARDER, BUT THEN I REMEMBERED THAT I HAD THREATENED THAT POOR BROTHER! I APOLOGIZED, AND HE TOO, SAW THE HUMOR IN THE SITUATION. THAT IS JUST ONE OF MANY PRACTICAL JOKES THAT WE HAVE PLAYED ON EACH OTHER, BUT I GUESS THAT IS WHAT MAKES OUR MARRIAGE SPECIAL. WELL, I WILL WRITE MORE TOMORROW, AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE KNOWN ME FOR SO MANY YEARS, YOU ALSO KNOW THAT WE HAVE HAD A LOT OF FUN WITH OUR SENSE OF HUMOR! LOVE, NANASEE