cookie jars

I PROMISED TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY COOKIE JARS, AND SO, HERE WE GO. WHEN I WAS LITTLE, I USED TO LOVE TO LOOK INTO MY GRANDMOTHER'S COOKIE JAR. I THOUGHT IT WAS A MAGIC COOKIE JAR, AS IT WAS NEVER EMPTY. I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT KIND OF COOKIES WERE IN IT, BUT I DO KNOW THAT THERE PROBABLY WAS NEVER A CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE. SHE MADE LEMON COOKIES, SUGAR COOKIES, OATMEAL, AND ONE KINE I REALLY LOVED, THAT HAD FRUIT AND NUTS. AT CHRISTMAS TIME, THERE WERE DECORATED COOKIES THAT I HELPED TO MAKE, AND LOTS OF FUDGE. MY MOTHER ALSO KEPT A COOKIE JAR, BUT MY BROTHER IS DIABETIC AND THE COOKIE JAR WASN'T ALWAYS FULL. I WAS ALWAYS SO CAREFUL WHEN LIFTING THE LIDS ON THESE JARS, I DIDN'T WANT TO BREAK THEM. WHAT A SURPRISE, PEEKING IN TO SEE WHAT WONDERS WERE IN THE JAR ON ANY PARTICULAR DAY. MY GRANDMOTHER ALSO MADE BANANA CAKE, SO FABULOUS, AND OF COURSE ON THE HOLIDAYS, THERE WERE PIES; PUMPKIN, MINCE, CHERRY, APPLE AND BLUEBERRY. I REMEMBER TOO, THAT SHE MADE PINEAPPLE UPSIDE CAKE-AND PUT CHERRIES IN THE CENTER OF THE PINEAPPLE SLICES. NEEDLESS TO SAY, I DELVELOPED A LOVE FOR BAKING AND CONSUMING THE PRODUCTS OF MY EFFORTS. EARLY IN MY LIFE, I BEGGED TO BE ALLOWED TO BAKE SOMETHING. MY GRANDMOTHER WAS PATIENT WITH ME, AND HELPED ME, EVEN WHEN I MADE A MESS. ONCE, I GOT MY FINGER CAUGHT IN THE MIXER BLADE AS I WAS TRYING TO SNEAK A TASTE OF THE CAKE BATTER. MY BROTHER AND I LOVED TO LICK THE BOWL. WE WATCHED MOURNFULLY AS MOTHER WOULD SCRAPE AND SCRAPE TO GET THE LAST LITTLE BIT. BUT, THERE WAS ALWAYS SOMETHING LEFT BEHIND, THANK GOODNESS!
SO, AS I GREW UP, WHEN I WOULD SEE A COOKIE JAR, IT WOULD MAKE ME FEEL SO HAPPY. A COOKIE JAR REPRESENTED NOTHING BUT PURE LOVE TO ME. SOME LOVING HANDS MUST HAVE FILLED IT, (EVEN IF THE WORKERS AT THE OREO FACTORY DIDN'T KNOW IT). AS A CHILD, I DIDN'T EVEN REALLY LIKE STORE-BOUGHT COOKIES, I WANTED THE HOMEMADE KIND. IN THE DEPARTMENT STORES, I WAS DRAWN TO THE HOME SECTION TO LOOK AT THE COOKIE JARS. I DECIDED THAT WHEN I GREW UP, I WOULD HAVE LOTS OF THEM TO LOOK AT WHENEVER I WANTED! IN THE ORPHANAGE, ONE OF FAMILIES THAT I VISITED FOR A SUMMER, HAD A WONDERFUL CERAMIC CHERRY PIE HOLDER ON TOP OF THE FRIDGE. IT LOOKED JUST LIKE A REAL CHERRY PIE. I WAS FASCINATED BY THIS PIE, IT SO REMINDED ME OF HOLIDAYS WITH MY FAMILY BEFORE WE WERE SEPARATED. I WANTED TO TAKE THAT PIE HOLDER HOME WITH ME. I KNEW NOT TO ASK FOR IT, BUT IT STAYED IN MY MEMORY LATER, WHEN I HAD AN OPPORTUNITY TO DO CERAMICS, I LOOKED AND LOOKED FOR A CHERRY PIE MOLD, BUT NEVER FOUND ONE. WHEN I WAS WORKING MY WAY THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL, I HAD A COOKIE JAR OF MY OWN. IT WAS SIMPLY A GLASS JAR WITH A LID, BUT I BAKED COOKIES AND HAD THEM FOR FRIENDS. COOKIES MEAN FRIENDSHIP TO ME. I MARRIED AND WE TRAVELED WITH THE ARMY. I HAD JESSICA, AND DID NOT HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO GET A COOKIE JAR FOR HER. WE HAD BOBBIE JO, AND MY DEAR MOTHER SENT A COOKIE JAR THAT LOOKED LIKE A CROCODILE, SITTING UP AND EATING A COOKIE. HE WAS SO CUTE, ANDHAD THE WORDS "COOKIE CROC" PRINTED ON HIS TUMMY, BUT THROUGH THE YEARS, HE GOT BROKEN. THE OTHER DAY I SAW ONE JUST LIKE HIM ON EBAY, AND IT WAS GOING FOR 400.00! DON'T GET ME WRONG, I ALWAYS HAD A JAR AFTER THAT, BUT IT DIDN'T REALLY MATTER TO ME WHAT THE COOKIE JAR LOOKED LIKE, JUST AS LONG S IT WAS FUNCIONAL. ONE DAY, AS WE SAT DOWN AT LOLA'S FOR A HOLIDAY MEAL, SHE SAID SHE HAD FOUND SOMETHING AT A GARAGE SALE. SHE BROUGHT OUT ONE OF THE PIES IN A CERAMIC CHERRY PIE HOLDER. I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT! FORGIVE ME, BUT I IMMEDIATLY THOUGHT, "WHEN SHE DIES, THAT PIE HOLDER IS MINE!" WELL, THAT'S WHAT I GET FOR BEING GREEDY, WITHIN A FEW MONTHS SHE HAD GIVEN IT TO A FRIEND OF HERS. ONCE AGAIN, THE PIE HOLDER HAD SLIPPED MY GRIP!
TO COME TO THE PRESENT, WHEN BOBBIE JO DIED I WAS JUST SO DEVASTATED. I SPENT LOTS OF TIME BLOGGING, AND ONE DAY, I GOT ON EBAY, JUST TO LOOK AROUND. TO MY SURPRISE, ON THE OPENING PAGE WAS A CERAMIC STRAWBERRY PIE HOLDER! IT WAS NOT A CHERRY PIE HOLDER, BUT IT WAS BRIGHT WITH RED SHINY STRAWBERRIES AND CREAM, AND BELIEVE ME, IT CAUGHT MY EYE! IT WAS GOING FOR 16.00 AND I CAREFULLY WATCHED, PUT IN MY BID, AND TO MY UTTER DELIGHT, I WON IT! I FINALLY HAD MY PIE HOLDER! THEN, LOOKING IN THE CATAGORY OF CERAMIC PIES, I FOUND A BLUEBERRY ONE, THEN A PECAN. I GOT THEM ALL. I GOT ENTHUSIASTIC, AND CHECKED UNDER CERAMIC CAKE. I FOUND A HUGE STRAWBERRY CAKE THAT WAS A CAKE HOLDER. UH OH, I THINK I AM HAVING A BIT TOO MUCH FUN! MY HOUSE ISN'T EVEN DONE YET FROM THE HURRICANE, AND I AM BUYING CERAMIC BAKED GOODS! I THOUGHT, WELL IF I HAVE A CERAMIC CAKE AND SOME PIES, WHY NOT FIND A CERAMIC CUPCAKE TOO? I DID, IN THE COOKIE JAR SECTION. UH OH, I ALSO FOUND A CERAMIC ICE CREAM SUNDAE AND A STACK OF OREOS THAT WERE CERAMIC COOKIE JARS. TIME TO STOP, BUT WE ARE TALKING ABOUT ME HERE. WHILE BROWSING THE COOKIE JAR LISTING, I BEGAN TO FIND COOKIE JARS THAT WERE TOO CUTE TO RESIST. SOME OF THEM COST SO LITTLE, AND I JUST HAD TO HAVE THEM. I FOUND A HERSHEY COW, FROM THE HERSHEY FACTORY, A HEN SITTING ON SOME EGGS, A TUG BOAT, (AN ANTIQUE) A NOAHS ARK, A BOWL OF FRUIT, AN ANTIQUE TRAIN, A COVERED WAGON, A MAMA DRAGON, A GIANT HAMBURGER, A TURKEY ON AN EAR OF CORN, A TURTLE FROM THE '60'S, AND OTHERS INCLUDING A CHUBBY HIPPO IN A BIKINI AND A FLOATY THAT LOOKS LIKE SHE IS READY TO DIVE IN A POOL. THERE ARE OTHERS TOO, INCLUDING A TOOTSIE POP OWL AND MARTIN BEGAN TO TEASE ME ABOUT MY OBSESSION. EACH DAY, THE UPS MAN OR THE MAIL MAN WOULD BRING ANOTHER BOX. I NEVER SPENT MUCH MONDY ON ANY OF THEM, AND NOW, MY SEWING ROOM WINDOW IS FILLED WITH MY "COOKIE JAR FRIENDS". MY FAMILY ASKS ME EVERYDAY, WHAT IS COMING TODAY? THE LITTLE GRANDSONS ARE OVERJOYED AT ALL THE BUBBLE WRAP THAT ACCOMPANIES EACH JAR AS IT IS SAFELY WRAPPED. MY SWEET NEPHEW IN CALIFORNIA CALLED WITH EXCITEMENT THE OTHER NIGHT, HE HAS FOUND ME A SCHOOL BUS COOKIE JAR! IT MEANT SO MUCH TO ME THAT HE DID THAT. I HAD TO BUY A BAKERS RACK FOR THE KITCHEN TO DISPLAY THE PIES AND CAKE. I REALIZED THAT INSTEAD OF MANIFESTING MY GRIEF BY TURNING TO ALCOHOL, DRUGS OR OTHER INSIDEOUS HORRORS, I HAVE FOUND AN OUTLET BY ADDING TO MY COLLECTION. ONE JAR THAT I TRULY LOVE, IS A GRANDMOTHER HOLDING COOKIES, DONUTS AND OTHER GOODIES, AND HER APRON IS PRINTED WITH,"BAKED WITH LOVE". I BEGAN TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT BUYING THEM, BUT THEN AS I THOUGHT ABOUT IT, WHY? THEY ARE LOVELY, AND THEY MAKE ME FEEL SO HAPPY. EACH ONE IS SPECIAL, AND MAYBE ONE DAY I WILL PASS THEM ALONG TO OTHER LOVED ONES. MARTIN SAYS THE LEAST I CAN DO IS FILL THEM UP- BUT I DO HAVE ONE IN THE KITCHEN, A GIANT OREO, THAT I KEEP FAITHFULLY FULL OF COOKIES, MOSTLY HOMEMADE, SOMETIMES STORE-BOUGHT. THE LITTLE BOYS KNOW THAT THE COOKIES ARE THERE FOR THEM, AND ARE VERY CAREFUL WHEN OPENING THE LID. I GET LOTS OF COMPLIMENTS ON THE CERAMIC PIES AND STRAWBERRY CAKE, AND THE OTHER DAY A FRIEND CAME OVER WITH HER LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD SON. I WATCHED HIM AS HE SURREPTIOUSLY LOOKED AROUND, AND, FINDING NO ONE TO CATCH HIM, TRIED TO GET A FINGER-FULL OF FROSTING OFF THE CERAMIC STRAWBERRY CAKE. HE POKED IT, FOUND IT HARD, AND POKED IT AGAIN. HE WIPED HIS FINGER OVER THE SURFACE OF THE "CREAM" AND CAME UP EMPTY. THE LOOK ON HIS LITTLE FACE WAS PRICELESS! SO, ALREADY MY "CERAMIC BAKERY" IS MAKING MEMORIES. I GUESS I AM GOING OVERBOARD, BUT IT IS TRULY HELPING ME THROUGH MY GRIEF. ANYTIME YOU WANT TO COME AND SEE THE COLLECTION, YOU ARE WELCOME. COME AND ENJOY THEM WITH ME. I PROMISE TO SHARE A COOKIE WITH YOU AS WE SHARE OUR LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP. TILL TOMORROW, LOVE, NANASEE.
PS- I AM GOING AWAY FOR A FEW DAYS, SO IF I CAN'T GET TO THE BLOG, PLEASE KEEP CHECKING BACK, I WILL PICK IT UP AS SOON AS I RETURN.

HAPPY NANA

TODAY IS JACOB'S 5TH BIRTHDAY. WE WENT TO HIS HOUSE AND HAD CAKE AND ICE CREAM. AUNT PEANUT PUT "MAGIC CANDLES" ON THE CAKE AND THEY WOULDN'T BLOW OUT! JACOB GOT THE IDEA TO SPIT ON THEM- TO EVERYONES HORROR! SISSY, JACOB'S MAMA, WAS ANTICIPATING THIS AND HAD TWO CAKES. WE ATE THE OTHER ONE! YOU KNOW, JUST WHEN YOU THINK THAT MAYBE YOU COULD HAVE DONE BETTER IN LIFE, ONE OF YOUR GROWN CHILDREN DOES SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU REALIZE THAT YOU DIDN'T DO TOO BAD! TONIGHT, I FEEL THAT I DIDN'T DO TOO BAD AT ALL. AFTER ALL, I WOULDN'T HAVE THOUGHT TO MAKE TWO CAKES, I WOULD HAVE SAID, "JUST EAT THE CAKE! YOU WON'T DIE!" I KNOW THAT I WROTE OF MY "HOLE" YESTERDAY, AND I AM GLAD THAT I DID. IT MADE ME REALIZE THAT I NEED TO GET OUT OF IT. TODAY, I MADE A SPECIAL ATTEMPT TO FIND EVERYTHING I COULD TO HELP ME OUT OF MY HOLE. I WAS EXTRA KIND TO MARTIN, EVEN THOUGH HE WAS REALLY LATE GETTING BACK FROM FISHING, (HE HAD TAKEN JAYBIRD AND THEY JUST GOT CARRIED AWAY). WE HAD TO TAKE ROCKY TO THE PUPPY FARM, AS HE HAS BEEN HAVING PAIN IN HIS LEG, AND OF COURSE, AS PESSIMISTIC AS I WAS YESTERDAY, I THOUGHT THE WORST. IT IS AN HOUR AND A HALF FROM HERE TO THE PUPPY FARM, AND MARTIN WAS SUPPOSED TO COME HOME EARLY AND GO. I WAITED ALL MORNING, DID MY CHORES, READ A BOOK, WORRIED INCESSANTLY ABOUT ROCKY, AND THEN AROUND NOON, MADE LUNCH. I WAS GETTING MORE AND MORE ANGRY AS I PUTTERERD AROUND, AND JUST AS I FINISHED COOKING, THE TWO OF THEM CAME IN, FIRST PEEKING IN THE DOOR TO SEE IF I WAS ANGRY. THEN, AS I SERVED MARTIN, HE TOLD ME HE WASN'T HUNGRY AND WANTED TO HURRY AND GO. FOR A SECOND, I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO BURST A BLOOD VESSEL, BUT THEN THE THOUGHT CAME TO ME, "GET OUT OF THE HOLE, GET OUT OF THE HOLE" AND I ASKED HIM, "DID YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME?" BOTH HE AND JAYBIRD EXPLODED WITH JOY TELLING ME ABOUT THE 42 INCH FISH THEY HAD LANDED- AND I PUT ONE FOOT ON THE PATH TO FREEDOM FROM THE HOLE. I CONCENTRATED ON THOSE TWO, TRYING TO OUTDO EACH OTHER IN THE DESCRIPTION OF THE FIGHT FOR THE FISH, AND MY HEART WAS PIERCED A TINY BIT WITH THE JOY THAT I AM FAMILIAR WITH. AFTER ALL, HAPPY NANA WOULD NOT HAVE CARED IF IT TOOK ALL DAY TO GO TO THE PUPPY FARM! I AM HAPPY TO REPORT THAT HAPPY NANA IS IN HERE, AND TRYING TO GET OUT! SO, INSTEAD OF EATING THE LUNCH I HAD PREPARED FOR THEM, WE LOADED UP ROCKY AND TOOK HIM TO THE PUPPY FARM, AND RECEIVED THE GOOD NEWS THAT HE IS JUST HAVING GROWING PAINS. THAT'S ALL. JUST GROWING PAINS. WHEW, YOU KNOW, I DON'T REALLY LIKE CRABBY NANA AT ALL. SHE JUST CAUSES SO MUCH UNNECESSARY GRIEF! LATER, AFTER JAYBIRD HAD GONE HOME, MARTIN TOLD ME THAT THEY TALKED ABOUT HIS MAMA. HE TOLD PAPA THAT HE CRIES INSIDE SOMETIMES, AND PAPA TOLD HIM THAT HE DOES TOO. THEY TALKED ABOUT THE TIMES THAT BOBBIE JO BEGGED PAPA TO BAR-B-QUE BRISKET FOR HER, AND HOW SHE ALWAYS SNEAKED A BITE OR TWO, (OR MANY) WHEN PAPA SLICED THE BRISKET. I AM SO GLAD THAT I DIDN'T BLOW UP OVER A FEW LATE MOMENTS, THE TIME THEY SPENT TOGETHER WAS VERY PRECIOUS, AND I CAN SEE THAT JAYBIRD IS BEGINNING TO FACE THE LOSS OF HIS MAMA. OH, THERE IS SO MUCH FOR HAPPY NANA TO DO, AND SO MANY LITTLE HEARTS THAT NEED HAPPY NANA.
HAPPY NANA IS THE PERSON WHO SMILES WHEN SOMEONE BREAKS A LAMP. I REMEMBER MY LITTLE NEPHEW VISITING ONE DAY, HE WAS ABOUT 6, AND WAS ROUGH-HOUSING IN THE LIVING ROOM. HE KNOCKED OVER MY LAMP AND IT SHATTERED ON THE FLOOR. HE WAS SO UPSET, AND AFRAID OF WHAT I WOULD DO. SEEING HIS DISTRESS, I SAID A QUICK PRAYER. THEN, I LAUGHED! HE LOOKED SO CONFUSED AND SAID, "AUNT JODIE, I BROKE YOUR LAMP. I DIDN'T MEAN TO! I WAS AN ACCIDENT!" THE TEARS WERE STREAMING DOWN HIS LITTLE FACE. I TOOK HIM TO THE SOFA AND HUGGED HIM, TELLING HIM IN A QUIET AND HUMOROUS VOICE, "YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE DONE ME A BIG FAVOR! I HAVE BEEN WANTING NEW LAMPS IN HERE, NOW I HAVE AN EXCUSE TO GET SOME. THANKS SWEETIE!" HE WAS SO RELIEVED, AND I FELT HIS INNOCENT JOY. I KNOW THE SPIRIT INFLUENCED MY WORDS. HAPPY NANA'S ARE PREVILEGED TO FEEL THE SPIRIT! ANOTHER TIME, WE HAD NEIGHBORHOOD CHILDREN OVER TO SWIM. I WAS HAVING A PROBLEM WITH THEM JUMPING IN THE POOL, AND AS IT WAS ONLY FOUR FEET DEEP, I WAS AFRAID THAT SOMEONE WOULD GET HURT. I REMINDED THEM SEVERAL TIMES NOT TO JUMP IN, AND FINALLY IT TOLD THEM, AND MY OWN CHILDREN, THAT THE NEXT ONE TO JUMP IN WAS OUT OF THE POOL FOR THE DAY. I TURNED MY BACK AND WITHING SECONDS, SOMEONE WAS YELLING, "ANTHONY JUMPED IN THE POOL!" WELL SHOOT! I DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO OUST ANTHONY, AND I SAID A SIMPLE PRAYER FOR GUIDANCE. SUDDENLY THE THOUGHT OCCURRED TO ME TO ASK HIM WHY HE HAD JUMPED INTO THE POOL. WITH SERIOUS EYES HE SAID, " SISTER SEE, I DIDN'T JUMP IN, I WAS TRYING TO GET ON THE FLOAT AND IT MOVED!" SEEING THE SITUATION THROUGH THE EYES OF THE LITTLE BOY IN FRONT OF ME WAS A GIFT, AND I REALIZED THAT HE DID NOT MEAN TO DISOBEY, HE WAS JUST JUMPING ON THE FLOAT. AGAIN, A GIFT THAT HAPPY NANA'S HAVE, SEEING THROUGH THE EYES OF LITTLE ONES. THERE ARE A FEW PEOPLE IN ME, HAPPY NANA, HAPPY MAMA, HAPPY WIFE, HAPPY FRIEND. UNFORTUNATELY I HAVE LET CRABBY NANA, MAMA, WIFE AND FRIEND HAVE THEIR WAY. WELL, THEY NEED TO PACK THEIR THINGS AND LEAVE. I PREFER THE OTHER WONDERFUL LADIES! I PROMISE, TOMORROW I WILL TELL YOU OF THE COOKIE JARS. THEY ARE A STORY IN THEMSELVES AND HAVE BROUGHT ME A LOT OF JOY. TILL THEN, LOVE, NANASEE

THE VIEW FROM HERE

I AWOKE THIS MORNING AND GOT READY FOR CHURCH. MY SON AARON, BIG J AND HIS BOYS WENT WITH ME. I FIXED MY HAIR, PICKED OUT MY CHURCH CLOTHES, PUT ON JEWLERY, AND ATE BREAKFAST. WE WERE LATE FOR CHURCH. BEFORE NOW, THIS WOULD HAVE MADE ME CRAZY. I HATE TO BE LATE FOR CHURCH! BUT NOW, SO WHAT. AT LEAST I WENT. AND, AARON WAS WITH ME. FOR SOME TIME NOW, I HAVE BEEN WONDERING WHAT I SHOULD BE FEELING AFTER BOBBIE JO DIED. JUST TYPING THAT PHRASE, GIVES ME CHILLS. I THOUGHT I WOULD HAVE A HYSTERICAL BREAKDOWN, BUT, THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN. MY UNCARING FEELINGS ABOUT BEING LATE FOR CHURCH SHOWS ME THAT IN THE 14 WEEKS SINCE MY PRECIOUS DAUGHTER DIED, I HAVE SUNK INTO A HOLE. FROM THIS HOLE, I AM WATCHING MY LIFE GO BY. I AM WATCHING MY HUSBAND GRIEVE, THIS MOUNTAIN OF A MAN TREMBLE WITH THE PAIN OF THE LOSS OF HIS DAUGHTER. I CANNOT HELP HIM. I STAND BY HIM, COOK FOR HIM, GET ICE CREAM AT NIGHT FOR HIM, POP HIS POPCORN, MATCH HIS SOCKS, DO HIS LAUNDRY, RUB HIS FEET AND HUG AND KISS HIM. BUT I CANNOT HELP HIM. THIS I SEE FROM MY HOLE. I WATCH MY DAUGHTER BECKY MOURN THE PASSING OF HER SISTER- AND TRY TO COMPENSATE BY TAKING ON THE FAMILY'S GRIEF. SHE IS LIKE A SYMPATHETIC OCTOPUS, REACHING OUT IN EVERY WAY TO TRY TO COMFORT US. WHO IS COMFORTING HER? SHE TAKES CARE OF THE BOYS, BUYS THEM DONUTS, PLAYS WITH THEM, GOES TO THE GAMES WITH THEM, MAKES SURE JAYBIRD HAS COLD WASH CLOTHS, DRINKS AND COOKIES FOR THE GAME. SHE LOVES AND EMBRACES HER NEPHEWS, AND IS LIKE A SECOND MAMA FOR THEM. SHE IS STRONG, BUT WHO IS STRONG FOR HER? THIS TOO, I SEE FROM MY HOLE. JESSICA IS TRYING TO SHORE UP UNDER HER FEELINGS TOO- SHE LOST HER BABY MATTHEW IN DECEMBER, AND HER SISTER IN MARCH. SHE ALSO SUSTAINED MAJOR DAMAGE IN THE HURRICANE AND HAD MONTHS OF DIFFICULTY AS SO MANY OF US DID. WHO IS THERE TO COMFORT HER? FROM MY HOLE, I ONLY SEEM TO BE ABLE TO WATCH HER STRUGGLE. MY SON AARON IS IN INTERNSHIP AT AN ARMY HOSPITAL AS A SURGICAL RESIDENT. HE WORKS 80 HOUR WEEKS, HAS 3 CHILDREN AT HOME AND A WONDERFUL WIFE AND COMPANION WHO CARRIES THE DOMESTIC BURDENS PRETTY MUCH ALONE. HE MISSES THE TIME AWAY FROM HIS FAMILY-HE WISHES HE COULD DO MORE FOR THEM. WHO IS THERE TO COMFORT HIM? I SHOULD BE THE ONE WHO IS THE COMFORT IN THE FAMILY. I AM THE HUB IN THE WHEEL OF THIS FAMILY- BUT I CANNOT FIND IT IN ME TO RISE UP AND TAKE MY TURN. PERHAPS TIME IN THIS HOLE IS SHOWING ME THAT IT IS NOT FOR ME TO SOLVE EVERYTHING FOR EVERYONE. PERHAPS TIME IN THIS HOLE IS SHOWING ME THAT I NEED TO LOOK INWARD TO SEE WHAT I CAN DO FOR MYSELF. FROM MY HOLE, I SEE THAT MY FAMILY IS SUCCESSFUL AND CAN SURVIVE IN A TROUBLED WORLD, FROM MY HOLE, THESE THINGS ARE PASSING ME BY. I AM QUIET IN MY HOLE. I AM WAITING FOR MY SPARK TO LIGHT YET AGAIN. MY FLAME IS DIM, I SEEM TO ONLY HAVE ENOUGH LIGHT FOR MYSELF. I AM PRAYING FOR THE FLAME TO BURN BRIGHTLY, FOR MY HEART TO SING ONCE AGAIN, FOR THE JOYS OF LIFE TO UPLIFT ME AND CATCH MY ATTENTION. IS THIS GRIEF? WILL THIS YEAR GO BY BEFORE I CAN LOOK UP AND REALIZE WHERE I AM? FOR NOW, MY HOLE IS A COMFORT. BUT I AM NOT A WORM IN A MUSTARD JAR, AS I KNOW WHAT IS BEYOND MY COMFORT ZONE. I YEARN TO LIVE THAT LIFE AGAIN, TO ERUPT IN HUMOR, TO SING TO MYSELF, TO REACH OUT AND GIVE MY LOVE. MY LOVE IS STILL HERE, BUT I AM AFRAID THAT IT TOO, IS STUFFED IN THIS HOLE. A DEAR FRIEND TOLD ME TODAY, THAT THERE HAS NOT BEEN ENOUGH TIME TO RIGHT MY WORLD. HOW I PRAY FOR THE DAY, THAT THINGS RIGHT THEMSELVES ONCE AGAIN. HEAVENLY FATHER IS HERE TO COMFORT ME, HOW COULD I GO ON WITHOUT THAT. HE MANIFESTS HIMSELF IN THE LOVE AND ATTENTION OF SO MANY WHO CARE ABOUT ME. I AM SURROUNDED BY THOSE WHO LOVE ME, AM SURROUNDED BY THE LOVE OF MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY. MOSTLY, THOSE WHO ARE SO DEAR, ALLOW ME TO HIDE IN MY HOLE FOR NOW, KNOWING THAT ONE DAY, I WILL EMERGE, STRONGER THAN BEFORE, AND FOR NOW, I AM HEALING IN MY OWN WAY. I AM LEAVING ON A SMALL VACATION THIS WEEK, AND AM ANXIOUS TO SEE WHAT IT WILL BE LIKE TO BE ALONE WITH MARTIN AGAIN, JUST THE TWO OF US. IT IS OUR 37TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY-37 YEARS OF LOVE, SUCCESS, FAILURE, HEARTACHE, JOY, TEARS, LAUGHTER,GREAT SORROW AND LOSS, CHILDREN, CHILDBIRTH, UNDERSTANDING, MISUNDERSTANDING, RESPECT AND DISRESPECT. 37 YEARS OF SO MANY EXPERIENCES, SO MANY MEMORIES, BECOMING ONE WITH THE OTHER. I WILL GET OUT OF THIS HOLE THIS WEEK. I WILL STAND STRONG, STRAIGHT AND TRUE. I WILL FACE MY GRIEF, AND LOOK LIFE IN THE EYE WITHOUT BOBBIE JO HERE WITH ME. SHE IS NOT GONE, SHE IS JUST NOT HERE. SHE DOES NOT WANT ME TO STAY IN THIS HOLE, SHE WANTS ME TO BURN BRIGHTLY, AS ONLY I CAN. I WILL TURN UP THE FLAME, FEED THE LIGHT AND THANK MY HEAVENLY FATHER FOR MY BLESSINGS. I WILL FILL IN THE HOLE WITH LIFE. I HAVE BEEN IN HERE QUITE LONG ENOUGH. ALL OF YOU HAVE HELPED ME IN THIS DIFFICULT TIME IN MY LIFE. WRITING IS HELPING ME. I AM GOING TO HAVE FUN WITH MY SWEETHEART, EAT, SLEEP, TELL JOKES, RELATE MEMORIES, AND JUST GET TO KNOW HIM AGAIN. HIS HOLE IS QUITE DEEP TOO- PERHAPS TOGETHER, WE CAN HELP EACH OTHER OUT OF OUR HOLES AND INTO LIFE AGAIN. TILL TOMORROW, LOVE, NANASEE

ANOTHER PASSING.

AFTER MOTHER DIED, CHRISTMAS CAME AND THEN THE NEW YEAR. LOLA, WHO IS MARTIN'S STEP-MOTHER, BUT IN HIS LIFE SINCE HE WAS YOUNG, WAS HEALTHY AND HARDY. SHE LOVED MARTIN, AND HE MADE SURE HE WOULD GO AND HAVE DINNER WITH HER AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK SO HE COULD SPEND TIME WITH HER. SHE WAS SO FIESTY, WE DIDN'T THINK ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN TO HER. MARTIN DID ALL THE MAINTENANCE ON HER HOUSE, AND SHE WOULD LET NO ONE TOUCH ANYTHING UNTIL HE GAVE HIS APPROVAL. ONCE, WHEN THE WATER MAIN FROM THE STREET TO THE HOUSE BEGAN TO LEAK, SHE CALLED THE CITY TO COME OUT. SHE WOULD NOT LET THE REPAIR MAN DO ANYTHING UNTIL MARTIN GOT THERE TO MAKE SURE HE WAS DOING IT RIGHT! IT WAS WINTER, THE WEATHER COLD, THE WATER SPEWING, BUT NO, THEY HAD TO WAIT FOR MARTIN. IT IS EASY TO TAKE THINGS FOR GRANTED, AND WE CERTAINLY SEEM TO DO THAT ON MANY OCCASIONS. IN THE LATE SPRING OF 2004, LOLA CALLED EARLY ONE MORNING AND TOLD MARTIN SHE HAD A STOMACH ACHE. HE ASKED HER WHAT SHE HAD EATEN, AND HOW LONG HER TUMMY HAD BEEN HURTING. "OH, A FEW MONTHS" SHE REPLIED. THAT WAS ON A SATURDAY, AND MARTIN TOOK HER TO THE DOCTOR ON MONDAY. THEY DIAGNOSED A "TOUCH OF SOMETHING" AND TOLD HER TO GO EASY ON HER DIET. A WEEK PASSED, AND THE PAIN DID NOT GET ANY BETTER. ON THE FOLLOWING FRIDAY, MARTIN AND I TOOK LOLA TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM. SHE WAS FRIGHTENED, BUT I TOLD HER NOT TO WORRY, WE WOULD BE THERE WITH HER. SHE WAS IN HER EARLY 70'S AND HAD THE MENTALITY THAT THE DOCTORS WERE "GOD"AND WAS VERY INTIMIDATED BY THEM AND ALL HOSPITAL PERSONEL. AS WE CHECKED HER IN, THE TRIAGE NURSE WAS QUITE CRABBY. SHE ASKED LOLA WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS, AND LOLA TOLD HER SHE WAS NOT SURE. THE NURSE THEN SNAPPED, "WELL, IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU THEN WHY ARE YOU WASTING OUR TIME?" LOLA LOOKED VERY UPSET, AND I GENTLY TOLD HER TO WAIT OUTSIDE, I WOULD TAKE CARE OF IT. SHE LEFT THE BOOTH, AND I LIT INTO THAT NURSE. "LISTEN, THAT IS SOMEONE DEAR TO ME AND YOU ARE NOT GOING TO TREAT HER LIKE THAT. YOU MAY BE HAVING A BAD DAY, BUT I DON'T CARE, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO TAKE IT OUT ON FRIGHTENED LITTLE OLD LADIES. IF YOU DON'T LIKE YOUR JOB, IF YOU ARE BORED, IF YOU ARE TIRED, I DON'T CARE. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE HERE, THEN GET OUT AND LET SOMEONE ELSE WORK HERE WHO APPRECIATES THE OPPORTUNITY AND IS GOOD TO THE PATIENTS. OH, AND GET ME SOMEONE ELSE TO TAKE CARE OF MY MOTHER-IN-LAW. I WOULDN'T LET YOU TAKE CARE OF MY DOG!" I THEN WENT AND MADE A COMPLAINT TO THE SUPERVISOR, AND TRIED TO COMFORT LOLA. SHE WAS VERY UPSET. WHEN THEY FINALLY TOOK HER BACK TO BE EXAMINED, SHE SHOWED THEM THAT HER STOMACH WAS SWOLLEN AND PAINFUL. THE ADMITTED HER TO THE HOSPITAL, AND FOR THE NEXT WEEK, DID ALL KINDS OF TESTS. SHE COULD HAVE NO FOOD, ONLY LIQUIDS, AND SHE WAS DISTRESSED ABOUT THAT. MARTIN VISITED HER EVERYDAY, BEFORE AND AFTER WORK, AND STAYED WHEN HE COULD. FINALLY, TO MAKE A VERY LONG STORY SHORT, THEY DECIDED THAT SHE HAD A BOWEL BLOCKAGE AND DID SURGERY. THEY FOUND STAGE FOUR COLON CANCER. THE SURGERY WAS VERY HARD ON HER, AND SHE NEVER REALLY WAS ABLE TO COME OUT OF IT. MARTIN AND I TOOK SOME OF OUR THINGS AND MOVED INTO HER HOUSE TO BE CLOSER TO HER, AND MAKE IT EASIER TO BE WITH HER. THE FOLLOWING MONDAY, SHE BEGAN TO GO SEPTIC AND ON TUESDAY WAS PUT ON A VENTILLATOR. WEDNSDAY, SHE WORSENED, AND WAS GIVEN A BLESSING ON THURSDAY BY THE PRIESTHOOD OF OUR CHURCH. IN THE BLESSING SHE WAS TOLD THAT SHE COULD GO HOME IF SHE WANTED, IT WAS TIME FOR HER TO HAVE PEACE. SHE FELL ASLEEP, AND WENT INTO A COMA. THURSDAY NIGHT, I AWOKE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WITH A FEELING OF PEACE, AND THE MESSAGE FLOWING THROUGH ME THAT WE SHOULD ALLOW LOLA TO PASS FROM THIS LIFE. I WOKE MARTIN UP AND TOLD HIM THAT PERHAPS WE SHOULD MAKE THE DECISION TO DISCONNECT THE LIFE SUPPORT FROM LOLA. HE TOLD ME THAT HE HAD THE SAME FEELING, AND ONLY FELT PEACE ABOUT IT. SO, AFTER PRAYER FOR STRENGTH, EARLY ON FRIDAY, WE TOLD HER DOCTOR TO LET HER GO. IT TOOK A COUPLE OF HOURS TO GET EVERYTHING IN ORDER, BUT FINALLY, THE DOCTOR DISCONNECTED LOLA FROM THE MACHINES. IT WAS SO QUIET, AND I HELD MARTIN AS HE QUIETLY SOBBED. I DID NOT FEEL ANYTHING, I DON'T KNOW WHY. THE HOSPITAL CHAPLAIN STOOD THERE WITH US, BUT ANOTHER MINISTER CAME INTO THE ROOM AS WELL. HE STOOD NEXT TO ME AND QUIETLY ASKED ME IF I KNEW HOW TO GET INTO HEAVEN. I LOOKED AT HIM AND QUIETLY SAID, "YES I DO". "NO" HE SAID, "DO YOU REALLY KNOW HOW TO GET INTO HEAVEN?" THIS ANNOYED ME, AS IT WAS NOT T HE TIME TO BE "BRINGING IN SOULS". I LOOKED HIM IN THE EYE AND SAID, "STRAIGHT IS THE WAY AND NARROW IS THE GATE THAT LEADETH INTO THE KINDOM OF GOD". "THAT IS ALL WELL AND GOOD," HE SAID, "BUT DO YOU PERSONALLY KNOW THE WAY INTO THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN?" THIS REALLY ANGERED ME. COULDN'T HE SEE THAT LOLA LAY DYING? WHY COULDN'T HE LEAVE IT ALONE. I SAID TO HIM, "LISTEN BUDDY, IF STRAIGHT IS THE WAY AND NARROW IS THE GATE TO THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, THEN GREASE MY HIPS AND THROW IN A TWINKIE! THAT OUGHT TO GET ME IN FOR SURE!" HE GASPED AND STEPPED BACK. I NODDED MY HEAD AT THE DOOR INDICATING THAT HE SHOULD LEAVE. HE WAS GLAD TO GET AWAY FROM ME, I AM SURE! WITHIN 17 MINUTES OF DISCONNECTING LIFE SUPPORT, LOLA PASSED FROM THIS WORLD. I WAITED FOR THE GRIEF TO OVERCOME ME, BUT IT DID NOT. I ONLY FELT PEACEFUL FOR HER AND FOR US. WE WERE SADDENED BY HER PASSING, AND IT CAST A PALL OVER THE FAMILY. THIS WAS THE SECOND DEATH FOR US IN LESS THAN 8 MONTHS, MOTHER IN THE LATE FALL AND LOLA IN JUNE. ON TOP OF THAT, JESSICA WAS OVERDUE TO HAVE JACOB, AND THE DAY AFTER THE FUNERAL, JACOB WAS BORN. IT WAS SO SPECIAL THAT HE CAME AT SUCH A SAD TIME, IT GAVE US SO MUCH JOY TO HAVE HIM JOIN THE FAMILY. I WAS EXHAUSTED, HAVING SAT UP DAY AND NIGHT WITH LOLA, AND WASN'T MUCH HELP TO JESSICA, BUT SHE IS STRONG AND DID JUST FINE. WE ARE SO GRATEFUL THAT HE CAME TO HELP US AFTER LOLA DIED, AND IT GOES TO SHOW THAT LIFE GOES ON AND DEATH IS A PART OF THE CIRCLE OF LIFE. TOMORROW, I WILL TELL YOU OF MY 50TH BIRTHDAY, AND THE WONDERFUL TIME IT WAS FOR ME. MY BIRTHDAY CAME JUST 3 WEEKS AFTER WE LOST LOLA, AND MARTIN DID SOMETHING REALLY SPECIAL TO LIGHTEN OUR MOOD. LOVE, NANASEE

FLIP FLOP

TODAY WAS THE DAY THAT I DID ALL MY RUNNING AROUND. I CAN'T GO EVERYDAY, AS I HAVE THE GRANDSONS, (5) COMING OVER EVERYDAY, I DON'T DRIVE, AND WHO WANTS TO DRAG THEM INTO THE STORE ANYWAY? BUT, THE CAT WAS OUT OF FOOD, I NEEDED OTHER ITEMS AND I HAD MARTIN IN A FREE MOMENT. THE ONE SPECIAL ERRAND I HAD WAS TO TAKE A LARGE AMOUNT OF CAT LITTER TO THE LOCAL SHELTER. LUCKY HAS BEEN GOING OUTSIDE TO DO HIS BUSINESS, AND I AM SO THANKFUL FOR THAT! NEVERTHELESS, I HAD 75LBS OF CAT LITTER AND SO, I DECIDED TO DONATE IT. MARTIN SAID HE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO GO TO WALMART FIRST BEFORE WE WENT TO THE SHELTER, SO THAT WE COULD BUY A LARGE BAG OF CAT FOOD TOO, TO DONATE. (WHAT A SWEET MAN!) OF COURSE, AS SOON AS I GOT IN THE DOOR, HE DISSAPEARED LEAVING ME WITH 4 OF THE FIVE BOYS, AS JAYBIRD STAYED HOME TODAY. I THREATENED THEM, AND THEN TOLD THEM THAT THEY COULD HAVE A GOODIE IF THEY WERE GOOD. I THINK WHEN LITTLE BOYS, AGES 11,9,7 AND 5 CONSIDER BEING GOOD, THEY FEEL THAT IF THE STORE IS STILL STANDING AND NO ONE WAS KILLED, THEY WERE GOOD. IMMEDIATLY ONE HAD TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. OKAY, GO AND I'LL WAIT HERE WITH THE OTHERS. AMAZINGLY, HE CAME RIGHT BACK! THEN, IT SEEMED THAT THE GROCERY CART MUST HAVE BEEN ELECTRIFIED OR SOMETHING, AS THEY WANTED TO BE AS FAR IN FRONT OF IT AS THEY COULD GO. I SPENT THE GREATER PART OF AN HOUR CALLING, FROWNING, SMILING, WHATEVER IT TOOK TO GET THE MESSAGE ACROSS THAT THEY HAD TO STAY WITH ME. WE WERE DOING PRETTY GOOD, (ONE OF THEM KNOCKED DOWN A DISPLAY OF TOILET PAPER, ANOTHER PICKED UP A 25LB BAG OF FLOUR AND COULD NOT PUT IT BACK, YET ANOTHER PULLED A LARGE BAG OF CAT FOOD OFF THE SHELF) WHEN I REALIZED THAT I HAD TO GO TO THE BATHROOM! WITHOUT GOING INTO DETAILS, LET ME SAY, THAT WHEN I HAVE TO GO, I HAVE TO GO! SO, I TAKE THEM ALL OVER THE THE BATHROOM, AND NOW I HAVE A REAL CONUNDRUM. THEY ARE TOO OLD TO GO INTO THE LADIES ROOM, AND I ABSOLUTELY KNOW THAT THEY ARE NOT GOING TO SIT STILL FOR ME TO GO. ACTUALLY, I FEARED FOR THE ELDERLY, AS THOSE BOYS WOULD HAVE SHOT ACROSS THE STORE AS SOON AS I WALKED INSIDE. AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT, THERE WERE A COUPLE OF CONSTRUCTION WORKERS SITTING ON A BENCH OUTSIDE THE BATHROOMS. WITH ALL THEIR TATTOOS, THEY LOOKED LIKE THEY HAD JUST COME OUT OF THE "BIG HOUSE". THEIR HEADS WERE SHAVEN AND THEY LOOKED REALLY INTIMIDATING. BUT, THEY HAD WALMART BADGES ON, SO I FELT THAT THEY WERE PROBABLY PRETTY SAFE. I GOT A GREAT IDEA. I ASKED THEM IF THEY WOULD MAKE SURE THE LITTLE BOYS DID NOT MOVE OFF THE BENCH WHILE I WENT INTO THE LADIES ROOM. THEY GOT THE IDEA, AND GRINNED MENACINGLY AS I EXPLAINED TO THE BOYS THAT THOSE TWO GUYS WERE GOING TO TELL ME IF THE BOYS GOT UP. LOOKING AT THOSE GUYS, THE BOYS ACTUALLY TURNED A SHADE OF WHITE. I SWEAR, WHEN I GOT OUT OF THE BATHROOM, THOSE BOYS HAD NOT MOVED A MUSCLE. THEIR LITTLE HANDS WERE FOLDED IN THEIR LAPS AND THEY WERE STARING STRAIGHT AHEAD. WINKING AT THE "GUARDIANS" I SAID, "DID ANYONE GET UP?" THEY GOT THE IDEA, AND CAREFULLY LOOKED OVER EACH BOY, FROWNING AS THEY DID. THOSE BOYS EYES GOT SO BIG, I THOUGHT THEY WERE GOING TO FALL OUT OF THEIR HEADS. A CHORUS OF "NOT ME NANA, I DIDN'T MOVE!" CAME RUSHING AT ME. I SWEETLY SMILED AND SAID, "WELL, I WASN'T WORRIED, YOU ARE ALL SUCH GOOD BOYS!" THEY SAGGED WITH RELIEF. I THANKED THE TWO MEN, AND TOOK THE BOYS TO MCDONALDS TO GET A SLURPEE. WHILE THERE, A WOMAN SAID TO ME, "ARE THOSE YOUR GRANDCHILDREN? THEY ARE SO CUTE, YOU KNOW, MY CHILDREN ARE ALMOST GROWN, AND I WILL BE OFF THE HOOK! I CAN SEE DAYLIGHT FROM HERE!" I SAID, "PLEASE! THEY DON'T GROW UP AND GO AWAY, THEY MULTIPLY, GET JOBS AND BRING THEIR KIDS BACK HOME TO YOU!" WELL, WE FINALLY FOUND PAPA, AND HE HAD A LARGE BAG OF CAT FOOD TOO. WE BOUGHT BOTH BAGS AT HIS INSISTANCE, LOADED THE TRUCK AND HEADED FOR THE ANIMAL SHELTER. TO MY JOY AND AMAZEMENT, THE SHELTER WAS DOWN TO IT'S LAST HALF BAG OF CAT FOOD, AND WAS SO HAPPY THAT WE HAD COME BY WITH SOME. I SAT GLOWING ALL THE WAY HOME, THINKING THAT I WAS GLAD THAT MARTIN HAD INSISTED ON BUYING TWO BAGS, AND FEELING THAT HEAVENLY FATHER HAD GUIDED US IN THE PURCHASE. WHEN WE GOT HOME, TO MY SURPRISE, SISSY'S GERMAN SHEPHERD THOR, HAD GOTTEN OUT OF THE BACK YARD AND WAS ON THE PATIO. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? THEN, WHEN I OPENED THE BACK DOOR, TO MY SHOCK, THE ENTIRE KITCHEN FLOOR, THE FRESHLY PAINTED LAUNDRY ROOM DOORS, THE HALLWAY, THE BEDROOM, THE HALL WALLS AND MY OFFICE WERE COVERED WITH CHOCOLATE PUDDING DOG PRINTS AND SWISHES FROM HIS TAIL. THERE WAS PUDDING EVERYWHERE. EVERYWHERE! JACOB HAD OPENED A SMALL PUDDING THAT MORNING, BUT THERE WASN'T ENOUGH TO HAVE GONE THROUGH THE WHOLE HOUSE WITH IT, EVEN IF THE DOG HAD FOUND IT. AND THE FUNNY THING IS, IT WAS DRIED HARD. I WAS YELLING AT THE DOGS, AT MARTIN TO HELP ME, AT THE BOYS TO GET PAPER TOWELS TO START CLEANING UP THE MESS. THEN, LIBBY, WHO WAS VISITING, QUIETLY TOLD ME THAT IT WASN'T PUDDING, BUT BROWN PAINT! AND, SURE ENOUGH, WHEN THOR JUMPED ONTO THE PATIO, HE KNOCKED OVER A FULL CAN OF BROWN PAINT, WALLOWED IN IT AND THEN CHASED THE CAT THROUGH THE HOUSE. MARTIN SARCASTICALLY SAID, "DO WE HAVE ANY CAT LITTER TO SOAK UP THE PAINT? WAIT, NO, BUT THE ANIMAL SHELTER DOES!" I JUST COLLAPSED AT THE KITCHEN TABLE, TRIED TO CALM MYSELF, BUTTHERE ARE NOT WORDS TO TELL YOU HOW I FELT. IN THE MIDST OF MY ANGUISH, IT OCCURRED TO ME THAT I HAD FOUR ABLE AND HEALTHY BOYS THAT COULD START THE CLEAN-UP. THOSE SWEET BOYS SCRUBBED AND MOPPED THE FLOOR UNTIL THEY ACTUALLY GOT ALL THE PAINT UP! THANK GOODNESS THE WHOLE HOUSE IS TILED. BUT, THE DOORS STILL HAVE BROWN PAINT SWISHES, A FEW ON THE WALLS, AND THE CAT HAS BROWN PAINT ON HIM. SO, I WENT FROM FEELING LIKE A "CAT-SAVING MOTHER THERESA" TO A VERY HUMBLED VICTIM OF ANIMAL GRAFFITI. FLIP-FLOP! NEVER GET TOO COCKY I SAY, YOU WILL ALWAYS GET KNOCKED ON YOUR HINEY! MY SON AARON CAME IN TODAY! I AM SO HAPPY TO SEE HIM, AND HOPE TO SPEND SOME QUALITY SCRABBLE TIME WITH HIM OVER THE WEEKEND. POOR BABY, SINCE HE IS A DOCTOR, HE HAS ALREADY HAD FAMILY MEMBERS SAYING, "HEY, LOOK AT THIS- OR, DO YOU THINK THIS IS ANYTHING?" I GUESS THERE IS NO VACATION FOR A DOCTOR. WELL, MORE TOMORROW, MAYBE IF I THINK ABOUT IT, I WILL TELL YOU OF MY COOKIE JARS AND HOW THEY HAVE HELPED ME! LOVE, NANASEE

WHEN I WROTE ABOUT MY MOTHER, I MENTIONED THAT MARTIN AND I WENT TO VISIT HER ON OCCASION IN THE LAST FEW YEARS THAT SHE WAS ALIVE. SHE LIVED IN THE MOUNTAINS OF NEW MEXICO, IN A TOWN CALLED RUIDOSO. HER HOME WAS SITUATED UP ON A MOUNTAIN IN A LOVELY NEIGHBORHOOD, WHERE MANY ONLY CAME FOR VACATION AND A FEW OTHERS LIVED YEAR ROUND. WE ENJOYED BEING THERE WITH HER, AND I FEEL THAT I ESTABLISHED SOMETHING OF A CLOSENESS IN THE LAST FEW YEARS. SHE HAD HUMMINGBIRDS AROUND IN HUMMINGBIRD SEASON, WITH COLORS OF RUBY, COBALT BLUE, BOTTLE GREEN, BRIGHT YELLOW AND PURPLE FLASHING AS THEY DARTED IN AND OUT TO GET NECTAR FROM THE FLOWERS THAT GREW ALONG AND UP THE PORCH. THEY WERE SO BEAUTIFUL, BUT TINY, ALMOST LIKE LARGE BEES. I DEVELOPED A TRUE LOVE FOR THESE LOVELY CREATURES, AND THEY HAD NO FEAR, JUST BOLDLY BUZZED IN AND OUT FOR THEIR DINNER. IT WAS COOL UP ON THE MOUNTAIN, AND SO NICE TO SIT OUT IN THE MORNING AND WATCH THE SUN COME BLAZING UP OVER THE TOP OF THE PEAKS. WE WOULD HAVE BREAKFAST OUT ON THE PORCH, WITH THE HUMMINGBIRDS AND TALK ABOUT THE TIMES THAT WE REMEMBERED TOGETHER. THERE WAS NEVER A MENTION OF THE CHILDREN'S HOME. IT WAS LIKE A HUGE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM,BUT I DIDN'T NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH HER. I DIDN'T WANT TO RUIN WHAT WE HAD BEGUN TO BUILD BETWEEN US. SO, OUR CONVERSATIONS WERE ABOUT CHILDHOOD BEFORE THE "HOME". SHE WOULD OFTEN TELL ME OF THE HALLOWEEN THAT I DRUG MY CANDY BAG ALONG THE SIDEWALK AND MADE A HOLE THAT THE CANDY KEPT FALLING OUT THROUGH. SHE WOULD MENTION MANY TIMES ABOUT HOW IT WAS 114 DEGREES IN ST. LOUIS THE DAY I WAS BORN, AND HOW PEOPLE DROPPED DEAD OF THE HEAT. THERE WAS NO AIRCONDITIONING IN THE HOSPITAL, SO MY GRANDFATHER BROUGHT A LARGE FAN INTO HER ROOM TO KEEP US COOL. SHE LIKED TO REMIND ME THAT I WAS BORN WITHIN THE SHADOW OF THE ST. LOUIS ARCH, THE "GATEWAY TO THE WEST". SHE WOULD TELL ME HOW I WAS BORN ON AN ELEVATOR BECAUSE SHE DID NOT MAKE IT TO THE MATERNITY WARD IN TIME. SHE REPEATED HERSELF OFTEN, BECAUSE I GUESS IF YOU ONLY RELATE THE EVENTS IN THE FIRST TWELVE YEARS OF LIFE, YOU RUN OUT OF THINGS TO SAY. THESE WERE TIMES WE VISITED IN THE SUMMER. WHEN WE VISITED IN THE WINTER, WE HAD OTHER OF THE SAME EVENTS. FOR INSTANCE, WE WOULD GO ON OCCASION TO HAVE THANKSGIVING WITH HER. EACH MORNING, MOTHER AND I WOULD SIT OUT ON THE PORCH, AND WATCH THE SUN COME UP OVER THE MOUNTAINS, JUST LIKE IN THE SUMMER. THE DIFFERENCE WAS THAT THERE WAS SNOW ON THE GROUND, AND INSTEAD OF HUMMINGBIRDS, THERE WERE HUGE RAVENS GIVING US A SHOW. MOTHER HAD SPOILED THOSE RAVENS, AS SHE WOULD PUT BREAD AND SCRAPS OUT EVERY MORNING FOR THEM. IF SHE DID NOT HAVE THE FOOD OUT ON TIME, THE RAVENS WOULD FLY BY THE WINDOWS AND PORCH MAKING LOTS OF NOISE TO REMIND HER. WHEN I WOULD GO OUT TO PUT THE BREAD ON THE GROUND, THE RAVENS WOULD STAY A DISTANCE AWAY UNTIL I GOT BACK INTO THE HOUSE, AND THEN AT LEAST 20 OF THEM WOULD COME TO EAT. THEY WERE SO BLACK AGAINST THE SNOW, REALLY LOVELY. WE WOULD ALWAYS GO TO A PLACE CALLED "THE INN OF THE MOUNTAIN GODS" FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER. THEY ALWAYS HAD A FABULOUS BUFFET. IN ADDITION TO THE TRADITIONAL MEAT OFFERINGS, THEY WOULD ALSO HAVE ROASTED BUFFALO, DUCK, RABBIT, AND OTHER EXOTIC MEATS. THEY HAD A HUGE SALAD BAR WITH ALL KINDS OF VEGETABLES, BUT ALSO COLD SEAFOOD INCLUDING SMOKED SALMON. I COULD GO ON AND ON ABOUT THE MENU, BUT I MENTION THE SALMON SPECIFICALLY FOR A REASON. WITH ALL THAT FABULOUS FARE TO CHOOSE FROM, MY MOTHER WOULD ALWAYS, NO MATTER WHAT, EAT ONLY A PLATE OF SMOKED SALMON! SHE JUST LOVED IT. SHE WAS VERY WELL-TO-DO, AND COULD HAVE SALMON ANYTIME SHE WANTED, BUT SHE WAITED FOR THIS BUFFET TO REALLY ENJOY HERSELF. NOW, WHEN YOU GOT TO THE BUFFET, THE LINE WAS REALLY LONG. THE PRICE FOR DINNER BACK THEN WAS ABOUT 40.00, BUT STILL, IT WAS VERY CROWDED. MY MOTHER WAS REALLY SOMETHING, BECAUSE INSTEAD OF WAITING IN LINE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, SHE WOULD JUST WALK UP TO THE DOOR, SWEEP HERSELF INSIDE AND SIT DOWN AT THE TABLE OF HER CHOICE! TALK ABOUT LINE-JUMPING! NO ONE EVER SAID ANYTHING TO HER AT ALL! SO, HERE WAS THIS ELEGANT ELDERLY LADY, JUST BUSTING THROUGH THE DOOR AT THE FRONT OF THE LINE, AND DIDN'T THINK ANYTHING ABOUT IT. OF COURSE I COULD NOT LET HER IN BY HERSELF, SO I WENT IN RIGHT BEHIND HER DRAGGING MARTIN WITH ME. I EXPECTED SOMEONE TO THROW US OUT, BUT IT WAS AS IF QUEEN MARY HERSELF HAD JUMPED THE LINE. NO ONE SAID ANYTHING. THAT DOESN'T MEAN TAHT THE OTHER DINERS APPRECIATED THIS- I GOT PLENTY OF "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?" LOOKS FROM THEM. I ONCE BROUGHT THIS UP TO MOTHER, AND SHE TOLD ME THAT THOSE PEOPLE WOULD NOT DARE SAY ANYTHING TO HER, AFTER ALL, NO ONE EVER HAD. SO, ON IT WOULD GO, MOTHER NEVER HURRYING, BECAUSE, SHE NEVER HAD TO STAND IN LINE. NO MATTER WHAT SEASON IT WAS WHEN WE VISITED, WE ALWAYS LOOKED FORWARD TO SEEING THE BEAR CARVER. HE WAS A MAN WHO CARVED WOODEN BEARS FROM TREE LIMBS OR TRUNKS USING A CHAIN SAW. FOR ALL THE YEARS THAT MOTHER AND BOB LIVED ON THE MOUNTAIN, BOB WOULD NEVER BUY HER A CARVED BEAR. HE THOUGHT SOMEONE WOULD JUST COME ALONG AND STEAL IT FROM THE YARD. WHEN BOB DIED, MARTIN TOOK ME UP THERE TO HELP MOTHER WITH THE ARRAINGEMENTS, WE VISITED THE BEAR CARVER. THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME I HAD VISITED HIM, AND I WAS EXCITED, BECAUSE MARTIN HAD PROMISED ME A BEAR. WE FOUND THE PERFECT ONE, MADE OF JUNIPER WOOD. IT WAS LOVELY, NOT TOO BIG, AND AFFORDABLE WHEN I GOT BACK TO THE HOUSE, I EXCITEDLY TOLD MOTHER TO COME AND SEE WHAT MARTIN HAD BOUGHT. SHE LOOKED INTO THE TRUNK, AND EXCLAIMED, "OH, YOU SWEET THING! YOU BOUGHT ME A BEAR! A LOVELY BEAR! THANK YOU, THANK YOU!" WHAT COULD I DO? DISSAPOINT AN OLD LADY WHO HAD JUST LOST HER HUSBAND? NOT TO MENTION, WE HAD PAID 150.00 FOR "HER"BEAR! SO, SHE PUT HIM ON THE FIREPLACE HEARTH FOR ALL TO SEE. I HAD TO SEE IT TOO, ALL NIGHT, GROUSING TO MYSELF THAT I HAD LOST MY BEAR. MARTIN KEPT SAYING THINGS LIKE "WELL YOU "BARELY" GOT ONE" OR, "I CAN'T "BEAR" TO SEE YOU LIKE THIS". WELL, I WAS OUT A BEAR, AND WOULD HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL NEXT TIME TO GET ONE, AS WE COULDN'T AFFORD TO TRY TO BUY ANOTHER FOR THAT TRIP. ON THE WAY OUT OF TOWN AT THEN END OF THE TRIP, WE STOPPED BACK BY THE CARVER TO TELL HIM WHAT HAD HAPPENED. HE WAS TOUCHED THAT WE HAD "GIVEN" THE BEAR TO MOTHER AND MADE US A SPECIAL OFFER. HE HAD ANOTHER BEAR, THAT WAS KIND OF LARGE, AND WOULD SELL IT TO US FOR THE SAME PRICE AS THE FIRST ONE. IT SHOULD HAVE SOLD FOR 400.00, BUT WE COULD HAVE IT FOR 150.00. LET ME TELL YOU THAT THIS THING STOOD FOUR FEET TALL AND WAS SO HEAVY! MARTIN ALMOST BROKE HIS BACK TRYING TO GET IT INTO THE TRUNK OF THE RENTAL CAR, BUT WE COULD NOT PASS UP SUCH A BARGAIN. IF WE DROVE STRAIGHT HOME, THE WHOLE 1200 MILES AND DID NOT STOP FOR A HOTEL OR A SIT DOWN DINNER, WE COULD SWING IT. ONCE HE GOT THE BEAR INTO THE TRUNK, THE CAR WAS SAGGING IN THE BACK, BUT I HAD MY BEAR, AND I WAS NOT LETTING THIS ONE GET AWAY! OVER THE NEXT FEW VISITS, WE VISITED THE CARVER EACH TIME. ONCE, HE CARVED US A PELICAN, AND IT SITS IN OUR FRONT YARD. ANOTHER TIME, A HUGE CACTUS, AND ANOTHER TIME A PAIR OF BEARS, A CHUBBY ONE AND A TALL ONE, BOTH ON THE SAME TRUNK. I AM SAD TO SAY THAT SOMEONE STOLE THAT ONE AS SOON AS WE PUT IT OUT IN THE FRONT YARD. WHEN MOTHER DIED, I TOOK THE FIRST BEAR HOME WITH ME. HE REMINDS ME OF THAT TIME I WAS WITH HER, AND HE IS SPECIAL. YES, THOSE TRIPS TO NEW MEXICO MEANT SO MUCH TO ME, BUT MOSTLY THEY GAVE ME MEMORIES OF MY MOTHER. I AM SO GLAD FOR THAT. LOVE, NANASEE

FOOT IN MOUTH!

TODAY, I WAS TALKING TO A FRIEND AND WE WERE DISCUSSING THE MANY WAYS YOU CAN REALLY EMBARRASS YOURSELF! IT USUALLY STARTS WITH NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO WHAT YOU ARE DOING OR SAYING, AND THEN, YOU PUT YOUR FOOT IN YOUR MOUTH OR WORSE! FOR INSTANCE-WHEN I WENT TO HAVE BECKY, I HAD A FALSE LABOR INCIDENT AND WENT TO THE HOSPITAL THINKING IT WAS THE REAL MCCOY. AS I SAT IN THE EXAM ROOM, MY DOCTOR CAME BURSTING IN, WORRIED THAT HE WAS TOO LATE. THE REASON FOR THIS IS BECAUSE I WAS ALREADY DILATED TO 4 CM AND HAD BEEN FOR AT LEAST A WEEK. MY DOCTOR WAS FROM KENYA, AND HAD BEEN ATTENDING A PARTY WEARING TRADITONAL KENYAN DRESS. HE CAME IN WEARING A ROBE, HAT AND SHOES VIBRANTLY COLORED AND DECORATED. I DIDN'T KNOW WHO IT WAS, AS I HAD NOT SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THAT BEFORE. OF COURSE I JUMPED WHEN HE CAME IN, I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE HIM. BUT, WHEN HE BEGAN TO SPEAK, I REALIZED IT WAS MY DOCTOR, AND STARTED TO LAUGH. IMAGINE THE SURPRISE OF THE NURSES WHEN I SAID TO HIM, " OH, DR. KORSAH, IT IS YOU! I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE WITH YOUR CLOTHES ON!" IT TOOK A MINUTE, BUT EVERYONE GOT THE DRIFT, AND LAUGHED EVEN MORE WHEN MY FACE BEAMED BRIGHT RED AT THE IMPLICATION OF MY WORDS. ANOTHER TIME, I WAS AT CHURCH AND IT WAS JUST AFTER THE SERVICE. THE CONGREGATION WAS FILING OUT, AND I WAS DISTRACTED, THINKING OF THE SUNDAY SCHOOL LESSON I HAD TO TEACH. WHILE I WAS STANDING THERE, I THOUGHT MARTIN CAME UP TO ME. I WONDERED WHY HE WAS WALKING PAST ME, AND WITHOUT THINKING, I SMACKED HIM ON THE BEHIND SAYING, "HEY BIG BOY, THERE'S MORE OF THAT WHERE THIS CAME FROM!". I KNEW IMMEDIATLEY THAT IT WAS NOT MARTIN'S BEHIND, AS IT WAS SUPER HARD AND MUSCULAR, AND, LOOKING UP, I SAW THAT I HAD JUST SMACKED THE BEHIND OF OUR BISHOP! HE WAS TALL AND LARGE LIKE MARTIN, I JUST WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION! HE SAID, "SISTER SEE, I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT ANYMORE OF THAT!" BUT WITH HUMOR IN HIS VOICE. ALL I COULD DO WAS STAMMER AND BLUSH AND SWEAT- AND WORSE OF ALL, THE GOSSIP OF OUR CHURCH WARD WAS STANDING RIGHT THERE. I COULD LITERALLY SEE IN HER EYES THAT IT WOULD NOT TAKE LONG FOR EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT I HAD ASSAULTED OUR BISHOP. "I THOUGHT YOU WERE MARTIN!" I STAMMERED TO THE BISHOP. HE JUST SMILED AND TURNED TO KEEP GOING, AND OF COURSE, MARTIN CAME UP AND SAID, "MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU WILL WATCH WHERE YOU ARE SMACKING!" HE GOT A GOOD LAUGH OUT OF IT, THAT'S FOR SURE. ANOTHER TIME, I WAS STANDING IN LINE AT A CHURCH THANKSGIVING DINNER. THE LINE WAS QUITE LONG, AND I WAS TRYING TO BE PATIENT. I HAD THE KIDS, AND MARTIN WAS NO WHERE TO BE FOUND. I THOUGHT, AS USUAL, HE HAD GONE AHEAD AND GOTTEN SEATING FOR US. AS I STOOD IN LINE, I FELT A PINCH ON MY BACKSIDE. I JUMPED AND SWUNG AROUND, ONLY TO FIND ONE OF THE MOST REVERENT MEMBERS OF THE WARD STANDING BEHIND ME. HE WAS THE FATHER OF SEVEN BOYS, AND WAS LOOKING OFF INTO THE DISTANCE- AND I SAID, "EXCUSE ME??? DID YOU WANT SOMETHING?" HE LOOKED STARTLED, AND DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT, AND I KNEW THAT HE WOULD NEVER, EVER, PINCH A LADY ON THE BACKSIDE- BUT SOMEONE DID, AND HE WAS THE ONLY ONE BEHIND ME. I DECIDED THAT EVEN IF HE DID IT AND WAS ACTING COOL, IT WAS ONLY A JOKE, AND I JUST LET IT GO. AS I TURNED AROUND AND STOOD IN LINE, ONCE AGAIN, ANOTHER PINCH ON MY HINEY GOT MY ATTENTION. I WHIRLED AROUND ONCE AGAIN, ONLY TO FIND THIS SAME BROTHER TOTALLY UNAWARE OF MY GROWING ANGER. AGAIN, I REALIZED THAT THIS MAN WOULD NEVER PINCH ME, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON. AGAIN, I TURNED BACK AROUND TO WAIT IN LINE. I KNEW THAT MY BOYS WERE NOT THE CULPRITS, AS THEY WERE IN FRONT OF ME, BUT I ALSO KNEW THAT GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY, THEY WOULD NOT HESITATE TO DO SOMETHING LIKE PINCH ME AND RUN. I WAS REALLY CONFUSED. SUDDENLY, A VICIOUS PINCH, REALLY HARD THIS TIME ACCOSTED ME. I WHIRLED AROUND AND SAID, "ALRIGHT BUDDY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE UP TO, BUT IF YOU PINCH ME ONE MORE TIME, I AM GOING TO RIP YOUR ARM OFF AND BEAT YOU WITH IT!" TRULY SHOCKED, HE SAID, "SISTER SEE! WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHO PINCHED YOU?" IT WAS APPARENT THAT HE HAD NO CLUE AS TO WHAT WAS GOING ON. AND THEN- I HEARD IT. MUFFLED LAUGHING. THEN, I SAW IT. THE CURTAIN HAD BEEN DRAWN BETWEEN THE SANCTUARY AND THE CULTURAL HALL WHERE WE WERE HAVING DINNER. THE CURTAIN DID NOT QUITE MEET TOGETHER, AND I COULD HEAR SOMEONE LAUGHING ON THE OTHER SIDE. I YANKED THE CURTAIN APART, ONLY TO FIND MARTIN ON HIS KNEES, HOLDING HIS SIDES, LAUGHING AS HARD AS HE COULD. IT SEEMS THAT HE WAS REACHING THROUGH THE CURTAIN TO PINCH MY BACKSIDE, KNOWING THAT I WOULD THINK THAT IT WAS THAT POOR OTHER BROTHER. I SHOULD HAVE BEEN FURIOUS, BUT ALL I COULD SEE WAS WHAT HE SAW, A LARGE WOMAN BEARING DOWN ON AN INNCOCENT VICTIM, READY TO BASH HIS BRAINS OUT FOR PINCHING HER FANNY! I JUST STARTED HOWLING WITH LAUGHTER, AND EVERYONE TURNED TO SEE WHAT WAS SO FUNNY. I DIDN'T CARE, I JUST LAUGHED HARDER, BUT THEN I REMEMBERED THAT I HAD THREATENED THAT POOR BROTHER! I APOLOGIZED, AND HE TOO, SAW THE HUMOR IN THE SITUATION. THAT IS JUST ONE OF MANY PRACTICAL JOKES THAT WE HAVE PLAYED ON EACH OTHER, BUT I GUESS THAT IS WHAT MAKES OUR MARRIAGE SPECIAL. WELL, I WILL WRITE MORE TOMORROW, AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE KNOWN ME FOR SO MANY YEARS, YOU ALSO KNOW THAT WE HAVE HAD A LOT OF FUN WITH OUR SENSE OF HUMOR! LOVE, NANASEE

PASSING

IT IS DIFFICULT TO WRITE ABOUT THE LAST FEW YEARS. YES, WE HAVE HAD EXPERIENCES JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, BUT IN GENERAL, IT HAS JUST BEEN LIFE PASSING. TO THINK ABOUT IT, WE HAVE HAD PASSINGS IN LIFE TOO- LOLA,(MARTIN'S STEP MOM) MY MOTHER , AND OF COURSE BOBBIE JO, AND A FEW FRIENDS. WHEN SOMEONE PASSES, IT IS ALWAYS A SHOCK AND CERTAINLY A TIME TO REFLECT ON YOUR LIFE IN GENERAL. I WOULD LIKE TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY MOTHER. WHEN I WAS BORN, I WAS A LARGE BABY, AND THE FIRST GIRL BORN IN THE FAMILY IN 50 YEARS. THE MEN IN MY FAMILY ARE LARGE MEN, AND I THINK THAT I MAY HAVE BEEN SUPPOSED TO BE A BOY, AS I SEEM TO HAVE THE LARGE GENES OF THE MEN. MY MOTHER WAS BEAUTIFUL, AND I THINK WAS DISSAPOINTED THAT I HAD NOT TAKEN AFTER HER. I HAVE BEEN LARGE AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER, ALWAYS COMPENSATING FOR MY SIZE, MAKING EXCUSES OR JUST TRYING TO MAKE THE BEST OF IT. MOTHER DID NOT SEEM TO ABLE TO BE A LOVING MOTHER, AND I WAS ALWAYS HURT AND CONFUSED BECAUSE I THOUGHT I MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING TO MAKE HER DISTANT FROM ME. DON'T GET ME WRONG, I LOVED HER, BUT SHE DID NOT SEEM ABLE TO RETURN MY AFFECTIONS. NOW, THAT IS NOT TO SAY I WAS WITHOUT LOVE. MY GRANDPARENTS LOVED ME GREATLY, AND MY GRANDMOTHER THAT LIVES TODAY LOVES ME TOO. LIFE HAS MANY SURPRISES, AND I LEARNED EARLY THAT I WAS NOT IMMUNE TO THEM. MY GRANDFATHER POP DIED WHEN I WAS BUT 6 YEARS OLD AND THAT WAS A GREAT LOSS TO ME. AFTER THAT, IT SEEMED THAT MY FAMILY FELL APART, AND WE CHILDREN FOUND OURSELVES ALONE WITH MOTHER IN LIFE. I KNOW THAT MY PARENTS HAD DIFFICULTIES, BUT THAT IS NOT FOR ME TO SAY, AS I WAS TOO YOUNG TO UNDERSTAND JUST WHAT THEY WERE. MOTHER ALWAYS WORKED, AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER, AND DIDN'T DROP THE BALL DURING THIS TIME EITHER. WE LEFT ST. LOUIS MISSOURI WHERE I HAD LIVED AS LONG AS MY YOUNG MEMORY COULD REACH. WE DID LIVE IN GEORGIA WHEN I WAS VERY YOUNG, BUT I DON'T HAVE MEMORY OF THAT. WE MOVED TO GEORGIA AGAIN, AND THEN TO KENTUCKY. MY PARENTS HAD AN ON AND OFF RELATIONSHIP, AND DAD WAS THERE ON OCCSASION. DURING THIS TIME IN KENTUCKY, PRESIDENT KENNEDY WAS KILLED, AND I REMEMBER THAT WELL. WE MOVED ON TO KANSAS CITY MISSOURI, STAYED THERE FOR ABOUT A YEAR, AND THEN ONCE AGAIN WENT TO GEORGIA. HERE, MOTHER GOT A JOB AT THE PLAYBOY CLUB, FIRST AS A SECRETARY AND THEN A PROMOTION TO BUNNY MOTHER. THIS MEANS THAT SHE WOULD HIRE THE GIRLS AND TRAIN THEM. IT WAS DURING THIS TIME THAT MY FATHER HAD A TRAGEDY IN HIS LIFE, AND ENDED UP ENCARCERATED. WE HAD BEEN IN ATLANTA FOR A YEAR OR TWO, AND WHEN DAD COULD NO LONGER HELP WITH CHILD SUPPORT, MOTHER SENT US TO LIVE WITH MY UNCLE TED ON MY FATHER'S SIDE. THEY WERE GOOD TO US, BUT TIMES WERE HARD FOR EVERYONE, AND IT DIDN'T WORK OUT. I WAS SENT BACK TO ATLANTA AFTER A MONTH, AND MY BROTHER GEORGE SENT BACK AFTER A WEEK. WE HAD THE SUMMER LEFT AND I LOOKED FORWARD TO SCHOOL, BUT MOTHER HAD DIFFERENT PLANS FOR US. MY BROTHER GEORGE, WHO IS A YEAR OLDER THAN I, WAS DIABETIC. HE WAS ILL QUITE OFTEN, AND IT WAS DIFFICULT FOR MOTHER TO HANDLE EVERYTHING. WE ALSO HAD KENNY, WHO IS ALMOST 8 YEARS YOUNGER THAN I, AND MY GRANDMOTHER CARTER WAS ALSO PART OF THE FAMILY. SHE CONTRIBUTED AS MUCH AS SHE COULD AND WE WERE A HAPPY GROUP. AS HARD AS SHE TRIED, MOTHER COULD NOT SEEM TO MAKE THINGS WORK, AND ONE DAY, SHE SAT US DOWN AND EXPLAINED THAT WE WOULD BE GOING TO A CHILDREN'S HOME FOR AWHILE. SHE WAS NOT SPECIFIC AS TO HOW LONG, BUT I DID NOT THINK IT WOULD BE FOR VERY LONG. IN AUGUST, 1967, MOTHER TOOK US IN A CAB TO THE GEORGIA BAPTIST CHILDREN'S HOME. I WAS TWELVE YEARS OLD, GEORGE WAS THIRTEEN, AND KENNY WAS FIVE. I WAS DETERMINED TO MAKE MOTHER PROUD, AND DID MY BEST TO BE BRAVE AND STOIC AS SHE LEFT ME AT THE GIRL'S DORMITORY AND DROVE OFF WITH MY BROTHERS. THEY WERE TAKEN ACROSS CAMPUS TO THE BOY'S SIDE. I WONDERED WHY I COULD NOT CRY AS SHE LEFT ME. I TRULY HAD NO EMOTION, JUST STOOD THERE WATCHING THEM DRIVE AWAY. I TURNED AND WALKED INTO THE DORMITORY, OR COTTAGE AS IT WAS CALLED. THE MATRON'S NAME WAS BERTHA. SHE WAS KIND, AND SHOWED ME WHERE I WAS TO SLEEP. WE HAD NO AIR CONDITIONING, BUT IT DIDN'T MATTER AS WE HAD HAD NONE AT HOME EITHER. EACH ROOM HAD 3 GIRLS, AND I LOOKED FORWARD TO MEETING MY ROOMMATES. THERE WERE THE USUAL RULES AND REGULATIONS, AND I DID MY BEST TO LEARN THEM RIGHT AWAY. THEN, REALITY SET IN. I ONLY HAD A FEW CLOTHES, AND THEY WERE TOO SMALL FOR ME. BY NOW, AT THE AGE OF TWELVE, I WAS VERY TALL, QUITE LARGE AND HAD HUGE FEET. I WAS ASHAMED OF MY BODY, BUT TRIED TO HIDE IT. WHEN I UNPACKED, THE MATRON ASKED ME WHERE THE REST OF MY THINGS WERE. "THIS IS ALL I HAVE," I EXPLAINED. SHE TOOK MY CLOTHES AND CARRIED THEM OFF. I WONDERED WHERE SHE WAS GOING WITH THEM, BUT WHEN SHE RETURNED, SHE DID NOT HAVE THEM. SHE THEN TOOK ME TO THE BUILDING WHERE THE CLOTHING WAS ISSUED. REMEMBER, THIS WAS LIKE AN ORPHANAGE, AND THE CLOTHING WAS DONATED, SO YOU COULD ONLY GET WHAT WAS AVAILABLE. I COULD NOT WEAR REGULAR SIZES, SO I HAD TO GET CLOTHING FOR THE OLDER MATRONS. IN ANOTHER BLOG, I WILL GO INTO MORE DETAIL OF THE ORPHANAGE, BUT FOR NOW, I WANT TO TELL YOU OF MOTHER, AND OUR RELATIONSHIP. SUFFICE IT TO SAY, THAT SHE LEFT US THERE FOR 2 1/2 YEARS BEFORE MY FATHER TOOK US OUT. AGAIN, THAT IS A STORY LEFT FOR ANOTHER TIME, FOR NOW, LET ME SAY THAT I GOT THROUGH SCHOOL, DURING WHICH TIME, AS YOU KNOW, I MET AND MARRIED MY SWEETHEART. AFTER DAD TOOK US OUT OF THE CHILDREN'S HOME, I DID NOT SEE MOTHER FOR SEVERAL YEARS. FOR SOME REASON, SHE DID NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE TELLING HER NEW HUSBAND ABOUT ME, AND TRIED TO KEEP ME A SECRET. I AM NOT SURE WHY SHE FELT THIS WAY, BUT IT WAS VERY HURTFUL TO ME WHEN I FOUND THIS OUT. AFTER WE HAD COME HOME FROM OKINAWA, I DECIDED TO GET TO KNOW HER AGAIN. SHE LIVED CLOSE BY, IN LUBBOCK TEXAS, ABOUT 300 MILES FROM EL PASO WHERE WE WERE STATIONED. I CALLED AND INFORMED HER THAT I WAS COMING FOR THANKSGIVING. IT DIDN'T OCCUR TO ME THAT SHE WOULD NOT BE OVERJOYED TO SEE ME- BUT, IT SEEMS THAT SHE WAS NOT. AS I RAND THE DOORBELL, THERE FOR THE FIRST TIME, SINCE 1969, (THIS WAS 1975) I STOOD IN FRONT OF MY MOTHER. SHE ACTED STRANGELY, AND INTRODUCED US TO HER HUSBAND BOB AS "JODIE AND MARTIN FROM HOUSTON". I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT HE DID NOT KNOW I WAS HER DAUGHTER. FOR WHAT EVER REASON, SHE DID NOT WANT HIM TO KNOW ABOUT ME. I FOUND OUT LATER THAT HE KNEW ALL ALONG, AND JUST PLAYED ALONG WITH HER. THE VISIT WAS NICE, IF NOT UNCOMFORTABLE, AND I JUST FELT FORTUNATE TO HAVE FOUND HER AGAIN. SHE HAD MARRIED MONEY, AND WAS VERY HAPPY. I FELT TOTALLY OUT OF PLACE AND WHEN THE VISIT WAS OVER, I LEFT FEELING LIKE I STILL HAD NOT GOTTEN TO KNOW HER. OVER THE YEARS, WE KEPT IN TOUCH THROUGH THE MAIL AND ON OCCSASION SAW EACH OTHER. EACH CHRISTMAS AND BIRTHDAY, SHE SENT A CARD TO THE CHILDREN WITH MONEY IN IT, NEVER FORGETTING. AT CHRISTMAS, SHE ALSO SENT A LARGE CAN OF POPCORN, AND THE CHILDREN LOOKED FORWARD TO THAT AS WELL. WHEN OTTO DIED, SHE CAME TO THE FUNERAL. BY THEN, WE LIVED IN HOUSTON, AND IT WAS 1200 MILES TO HER HOME, WHERE THEY HAD MOVED IN NEW MEXICO. I DID NOT GET TO SEE HER AGAIN UNTIL 1996 AT THANKSGIVING, WHEN MARTIN TOOK ME, AARON, BECKY AND SISSY TO SEE HER. I DECIDED THEN, THAT IF WE WERE GOING TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP, IT WOULD BE UP TO ME. I HAD TO GET OVER THE HURT OF KNOWING THAT FOR SOME REASON, SHE DID NOT WANT ME IN HER LIFE. I WROTE AND CALLED, NEVER ASKING FOR ANYTHING, JUST KEEPING IN TOUCH. WHEN HER HUSBAND DIED, MARTIN TOOK ME UP THERE TO BE WITH HER AND WE HELPED HER WITH THE ARRAINGEMENTS. OVER THE YEARS WE HAD BECOME CLOSER, AND AFTER BOB DIED, THINGS GOT BETTER FOR US. WE BECAME FRIENDS. I NEVER THOUGHT OF HER AS MY MOTHER, I HAVE NEVER HAD THOSE CLOSE FEELINGS WITH A MOTHER. I CERTAINLY MISSED THAT, BUT I FELT THAT IT WAS A CHALLENGE AND A TRIAL IN MY LIFE TO HAVE THAT DIFFICULTY. I ALWAYS WANTED TO ASK HER WHY SHE FELT THAT WAY, BUT I NEVER HAD THE COURAGE. I AM THANKFUL THAT I HAD NURTURING AND LOVING MATERNAL FEELINGS FOR MY OWN CHILDREN AND OTHERS IN MY LIFE. AS MOTHER LIVED HER LIFE ALONE, I FOUND THAT I WAS TAKING THE PART OF A CAREGIVER TO HER. RIGHT BEFORE THE END OF HER LIFE, JESSICA, MARTIN AND I TOOK ELIJAH TO SEE HER. MOTHER WAS KIND TO ME, AND TOLD ME SHE WAS PROUD OF ME. SHE SAID SHE LOVED ME AND ADMIRED THE LIFE I HAD MADE FOR MYSELF. I WAS SO TOUCHED, BUT COULD NEVER TRUST ENOUGH TO REALLY GIVE IN AND BELIEVE IN HER LOVE. IN 2004, MOTHER DIED. I CRIED AT HER LOSS, BECAUSE IT WAS A LOSS OF A DIFFERENT SORT. I COULD NOT GRIEVE FOR THE LOSS OF A MOTHER, FOR I HAD LOST HER MANY YEARS AGO, WHEN I WAS BORN. I DID GRIEVE FOR WHAT I COULD HAVE HAD, AND WOULD NEVER KNOW. IT WILL ALWAYS BE A HOLE IN MY LIFE, BUT THAT HOLE HAS SHRUNK CONSIDERABLY AS I HAVE LEARNED THAT THE OTHER MAGNITUDE OF LOVE THAT I HAVE IS FILLING THE VOID. YES, THE PASSINGS OF LIFE ARE DIFFICULT, BUT THE PASSING OF ONE THAT YOU LOVE IS DEVASTATING. I FELT PEACE AT MOTHER'S PASSING, I COULD AT LAST PUT THAT CHAPTER OF PAIN AND UNCERTAINITY TO REST. THE PASSING OF MY CHILDREN IS PAIN THAT WILL NEVER EASE UNTIL I HOLD THEM IN MY ARMS AGAIN. BUT I WILL HOLD THEM AGAIN, AND EVEN KNOW MY MOTHER AS I SHOULD HAVE IN THIS LIFE. SHE WAS A GOOD PERSON, SHE JUST DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME. LOVE, NANASEE

ELIJAH

ELIJAH IS MY SECOND GRANDSON. HE WAS BORN ABOUT 3 YEARS AFTER JARED. THE MOMENT HE WAS BORN, OUR EYES MET AND OUR SOULS MESHED. HEIS THE FIRST BORN OF JESSICA, MY OLDEST DAUGHTER. HE IS SMART, AND VERY MANIPULATIVE. HE TAKES AFTER HIS MAMA. WHEN SHE WAS LITTLE AND THEN A TEENAGER, I USED TO TELL HER THAT I HOPED SHE GOT A KID LIKE SHE WAS. SHE DID, SHE GOT ELI. DON'T GET ME WRONG, HE IS A GOOD BOY, BUT HE IS JUST LIKE HIS MAMA. I KNOW THAT SHE IS VERY FAMILIAR WITH A "PARENT'S CONFERENCE". SO WAS I. IN SUNDAY SCHOOL, SHE SPENT MANY DAYS TRYING TO COAX HIM BACK INTO CLASS. SO DID I. MANY TIMES, SHE FINDS HERSELF GIVING IN TO HIM WHEN SHE REALLY SHOULDN'T, BUT-SO DID I. I DID NOT REALIZE THAT WHEN I TAUGHT HER TO PRAY THAT SHE WAS LISTENING, BUT TO HEAR ELI PRAY, I REALIZE THAT SHE LEARNED WELL. SHE LEARNED A STRONG WORK ETHIC FROM EXAMPLE, AND IT SEEMS, SO IS ELI. WHEN SHE WAS A STINKER, AND I HAD TO PADDLE HER BEHIND, SHE WOULD SAY, "WHEN I HAVE KIDS, I AM NEVER GOING TO SPANK THEM!" I HOPE THAT I HAVE HAD THE SENSE TO NEVER REMIND HER OF THAT STATEMENT AS SHE PLYS A FIRM HAND ON ELI'S DESERVING BACKSIDE! I DESPAIRED OF WHAT SHE WOULD BECOME AS I RAISED HER, SHE NEVER LISTENED TO ME! BUT NOW I SEE SHE DID, AS SHE IS SUCH A RESPONSIBLE MAMA TO HER SON'S. ELI KNOWS FREEDOM WITHIN BOUNDARIES, CONFIDENCE DUE TO HAVING A SAFETY NET, AND COURAGE FROM EXAMPLE. HE IS KIND, FAIR AND LOVING. HE IS ALSO A BRATTY BOY ON OCCASION- THANK GOODNESS! HE IS NOT CRAZY ABOUT SPORTS, BUT HIS MAMA IS. IT MUST BE HARD ON HER THAT HE DOES NOT EXCELL IN SPORTS, BUT HE EXCELLS IN OTHER AREAS. HE IS A TALKER, A MANIPULATER, A FREE-THINKER AND NOT AFRAID TO EXPLORE NEW AREAS. HE IS GOING TO BE BAPTIZED SOON, ON HIS EIGHTH BIRTHDAY IN SEPTEMBER, AND IS LOOKING FORWARD TO BEING A MISSIONARY FOR THE MORMON CHURCH SOMEDAY. HE WILL BE SOMETHING GOOD WHEN HE GROWS UP, I CAN SEE THAT NOW. WE CANNOT KNOW WHAT THE FUTURE WILL BRING, BUT WATCHING SISSY RAISE HER SONS, I KNOW THAT THEY WILL CONTRIBUTE IN A POSITIVE WAY. ELI TALKS OF BECOMING A DOCTOR ONE DAY. HE WILL MAKE A GOOD ONE. I HOPE TO BE AROUND TO SEE THAT, I WOULD LIKE TO SEE THE PATIENTS AS HE IS GOOD TO THEM. I LOVE THAT BOY, LOVE, NANASEE

JARED'S HOME RUN!

JARED IS GOING TO BE 11 YEARS OLD SOON, AND HE JUST HIT HIS FIRST HOME RUN! HE IS THE BEST BASEBALL PLAYER EVER, AND HAS BEEN EVER SINCE HE PLAYED T-BALL WHEN HE WAS 5. FROM THE VERY FIRST DAY, BOBBIE JO WAS THERE WITH HIM, MAKING SURE HE AND ALL THE OTHER TEAM MEMBERS HAD EVERYTHINGTHEY NEEDED. SHE BAKED COOKIES, BROUGHT DRINKS, AND MOST ESPECIALLY, MADE FABULOUS BANNERS FOR EACH TEAM THAT JARED WAS ON. SHE WORKED FOR WEEKS ON THOSE BANNERS, TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN, WITH FABRIC, GLUE, GLITTER,AND FELT EVERYWHERE, ALL OVER THE KITCHEN TABLE, THE COFFEE TABLE AND EVEN THE WHOLE LIVING ROOM FLOOR. I KNEW THAT WHEN A NEW SEASON STARTED, MY HOUSE WOULD BE A BANNER FACTORY. BUT, THE EFFORT WAS WORTH IT, AS THE BANNERS WERE SO BEAUTIFUL. BOBBIE JO ALWAYS WORRIED THAT THE BOYS NEEDED SNACKS AND WATER, BUT MOST OF ALL, SHE BROUGHT ICED TOWELS FOR THEM TO STAY COOL WITH. ON THE HOTTEST DAYS, THE BOYS COULD JUST REACH OVER AND SQUEEZE OUT A TOWEL SOAKED IN ICE WATER AND COOL OFF. I KNOW THAT SOME OF THE OTHER TEAMS WISH THEY HAD THOUGHT OF THAT. ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION, AN UMPIRE FELT THE BENEFIT OF BOBBIE JO'S THOUGHTFULLNESS. WHEN SHE MADE SNACKS, SHE MADE ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE, ALL OF THE BROTHERS AND SISTERS OF THE TEAM MEMBERS AND ALL OF THE PARENTS AND COACHES. SHE LOVED COOKING FOR THEM, AND SHOWING OFF HER TALENTS. WHEN JARED WAS GETTING OLDER, BOBBIE JO WOULD STAY OUT IN THE BACK YARD FOR HOURS, PRACTICING WITH HIM. HE SHOWED GREAT TALENT FROM EARLY ON, AND SHE WANTED TO HELP HIM DEVELOP IT. I THINK HIS CONFIDENCE COMES FROM ALL THE TIME HIS MAMA STOOD AT THE FENCE AT THE GAMES AND CHEERED HIM ON. JARED'S DAD HAS ALWAYS BEEN A COACH FOR HIM. HE HAD TAKEN GREAT CARE TO MAKE SURE THAT JARED HAS BEEN PROPERLY TRAINED. IN GOOD WEATHER OR RAINEY, HOT OR COLD, DAY OR NIGHT, IF JARED WAS PLAYING, HIS PARENTS WERE THERE TO CHEER HIM ON. IT IS A TRIBUTE TO BOTH OF THEM THAT THEY TOOK THE TIME TO DO THIS OVER EVERYTHING ELSE. HE IS PLAYING SELECT BALL NOW, AND THAT IS VERY DIFFICULT. THE TEAM MEMBERS ARE ALL GOOD, AND IT TAKES A LOT TO MAKE THE GRADE ON THIS PARTICULAR SELECT TEAM. DURING THE SPRING, BOBBIE JO DIED, LEAVING A HUGE HOLE IN THE FABRIC OF THE TEAM FAMILY. HE MAJOR CONCERN WAS THAT SHE COULD NOT GO TO THE GAMES WHILE SHE WAS SICK. SHE ALWAYS ASKED IF JARED UNDERSTOOD WHY SHE COULD NOT BE THERE AND ALWAYS PRAYED THAT HE WOULD DO WELL. THE TEAM LOVES HER SO MUCH AND THEY ALL WEAR LITTLE ANGELS ON THIER HATS TO REMEMBER HER BY. SO YOU CAN IMAGINE THE EXCITEMENT WHEN, TO EVERYONE'S JOY AND EXCITEMENT, JARED SLAMMED A BALL OVER THE FENCE TO HIT HIS FIRST HOME RUN. PEOPLE WERE SCREAMING AND JUMPING UP AND DOWN, AND NOT A FEW HAD TEARS BECAUSE BOBBIE JO WAS NOT IN THE STANDS TO SEE IT. BUT I KNOW DIFFERENTLY- SHE WAS THERE! AS A MATTER OF FACT, I THINK SHE SHOVED THE BALL OVER THE FENCE! SHE IS SO CLOSE TO ME AND TO ALL OF US, AND THE OTHER DAY, SHE APPEARED TO SISSY IN A DREAM. SHE WAS SO HAPPY, AND GLAD TO SEE SISSY, AND TOLD SISSY THAT SHE WAS VERY BUSY AND TEACHING THE GOSPEL. SHE ALSO SAID THAT SHE WAS SO GLAD TO HAVE HER FAMILY, AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING WAS TO KNOW THAT SHE IS NOT DEAD, SHE DID NOT DIE. IT IS COMFORTING TO KNOW THAT SHE DOES LIVE, BUT WE DO MISS HER HERE. YES, JARED HIT A HOMERUN, AND HIS MOM WAS THERE. SHE IS NOT DEAD. WHEN SHE PASSED AWAY, I WAS SO ANGRY AT MYSELF BECAUSE I SO COCKILY SAID AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS BLOG "SHE WILL NOT DIE!" I THOUGHT THAT FUND RAISERS, RIBBONS AND BRACELETS WOULD HELP ALL OF US BAND TOGETHER WITH FAITH AND PRAYERS TO KEEP HER HERE WITH US. I DID NOT TAKE INTO ACCOUNT THE LORD'S WILL- OR EVEN BOBBIE JO'S. SHE DID NOT WANT TO LEAVE US, BUT I THINK THE TIME CAME WHEN SHE REALIZED THAT SHE HAD MORE TO DO ON THE OTHER SIDE. RIGHT NOW, WHEN I SEE A "SUPPORT RIBBON" I FEEL ANGRY. ANGRY AT MYSELF, AT CANCER AND AT THE CRUELTIES OF LIFE. I HOPE THAT CHANGES. THERE IS NO ROOM IN MY HEART FOR ANGER- IT HAS BEEN THREE MONTHS SINCE SHE LEFT US, AND I THINK IT IS FUNNY THAT THE ANGER IS SETTING IN NOW. I KNOW IT WILL PASS. THE LIGHT OF CHRIST WILL SHINE STRONGER THAN THE ANGER. WE WILL ALL BE BOBBIE JO TO JARED. IT TAKES ALL OF US TO FILL HER SHOES, BUT WE WILL ALWAYS DO OUR BEST. LIFE IS GOOD! LOVE, NANASEE

COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS!

I SEEM TO BE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PART OF MY LIFE THAT PASSED SO QUICKLY, AND YET HAD SO MANY THINGS HAPPENING ALL AT ONCE. BABY JARED WAS GROWING QUICKLY, AND EVERYTHING HE DID JUST DELIGHTED ALL OF US. I TOOK EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO GO AND SEE HIM, EVEN IF IT WAS QUITE A DISTANCE AWAY- SO, THE DAY THAT MARTIN ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO GO WITH HIM TO SEE JARED AND I TOLD HIM THAT I THOUGHT NOT WAS A VERY UNUSUAL THING. I DIDN'T KNOW WHY I DIDN'T JUST GO WITH MARTIN, BUT I REMEMBER THINKING THAT I SHOULD GO TO THE LADIES CHURCH MEETING INSTEAD. MARTIN WAS AMAZED THAT I WOULD PASS UP AN OPPROTUNITY TO BE WITH JARED, BUT AGAIN, I FELT THAT I SHOULD DO SOMETHING ELSE. MARTIN GOT IN THE TRUCK AND LEFT, AND I GOT IN THE CAR TO GO TO THE LADIES MEETING. ABOUT A HALF HOUR LATER, MARTIN CALLED ON MY CELL PHONE, WITH PANIC IN HIS VOICE. "I JUST HAD TO HEAR YOUR VOICE" HE SAID. "I NEED TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE ALRIGHT." WELL FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, OF COURSE I WAS, WHAT WAS WRONG WITH HIM ANYWAY? I ASKED HIM WHAT WAS WRONG, AND HE BEGAN TO STAMMER AS HE EXPLAINED. IT SEEMS THAT HE WAS ON THE FREEWAY BEHIND A LARGE COAST GUARD BOAT THAT WAS BEING TOWED ON A TRAILER. SUDDENLY, A SIDE WINDOW BLEW OUT OF THE BOAT, AND CAME STRAIGHT AT MARTIN'S WINDSHIELD. IT SHATTERED THE WINDSHIELD, BUT A VERY LARGE SHARD OF GLASS PIERCED THE SEAT WHERE I WOULD HAVE BEEN SITTING, AND PROBABLY WOULD HAVE KILLED ME. HE SAID IT PIERCED THE SEAT RIGHT WHERE MY HEART WOULD HAVE BEEN. HE WAS SO THANKFUL THAT I WASN'T WITH HIM THAT TIME! (ME TOO!) THAT SORT OF BLESSING HAS ALWAYS BEEN A PART OF MY LIFE, THE CRAZIEST THINGS SEEM TO HAPPEN TO ME! FOR INSTANCE, ONE NIGHT WHEN I WORKED AT THE SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT, MARTIN CAME TO GET ME AS USUAL. WE HAD JUST BOUGHT A NEW PICK-UP AND IT WAS ABOUT A WEEK OLD. IT WAS LATE, AND VERY DARK AND THE DOWNTOWN LIGHTS WERE NOT VERY BRIGHT. WE CAME TO A LARGE RAILROAD CROSSING THAT HAD ABOUT 6 TRACKS. THE WARNING GATES WORKED FINE, BUT THE TRACKS WERE QUITE WIDE BETWEEN THE GATES AND IF YOU WERE BETWEEN THEM WHEN THE SIGNAL WENT OFF, YOU COULD GET CAUGHT IF YOU DID NOT HURRY. WELL, THIS PARTICULAR NIGHT, WE WERE TIRED AND TRYING TO GET HOME. WHEN WE GOT TO THE TRACKS, THE BELL WENT OFF AND THE GATE STARTED COMING DOWN. MARTIN HAD TIME TO GET UNDER THE CROSSING ARMS, AND DID, BECAUSE HE DID NOT SEE A TRAIN COMING. THE TRACKS CURVED SHARPLY AROUND, AND JUST AS WE WERE CROSSING THE MIDDLE OF ALL OF THEM, I LOOKED TO THE RIGHT AND TO MY HORROR, SAW ABOUT A TRAIN BEARING RIGHT DOWN ON US. IT WAS SO CLOSE THAT I COULD COUNT THE ROWS OF CHROME ON THE FRONT OF IT. I COULDN'T EVEN SCREAM, (OR BREATH FOR THAT MATTER) AND I KNEW THAT WE WERE GOING TO BE HIT BY A TRAIN. FOR A VERY SPLIT SECOND, MARTIN AND I LOOKED AT EACH OTHER, KNOWING THAT WE WERE GOING TO BE KILLED, AND THEN MARTIN GUNNED THE TRUCK TRYING TO GET AS MUCH DISTANCE IN FRONT OF THE TRAIN AS POSSIBLE. I BRACED MYSELF FOR THE IMPACT, AT LEAST I KNEW THAT THE BED OF THE PICKUP WAS GOING TO BE HIT, BUT SOMEHOW, WITH INCHES TO SPARE, THE TRAIN MISSED US. WE BARRELLED THROUGH THE OTHER CROSSING ARMS, (WHAT I MEAN IS THAT WE WENT BETWEEN THEM) AND STOPPED ON THE OTHER SIDE. ALL I COULD DO IS BABBLE, "THANK YOU, THANK YOU" TO HEAVENLY FATHER. I ACTUALLY REMEMBER THE FEELING WHEN IT SEEMED THAT MY HEART BEGAN TO BEAT AGAIN! WE FELT REALLY STUPID, YOU KNOW HOW WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT AND THE PERSON WITH YOU FEELS THE SAME WAY? HOW YOU ARE EMBARRASSED TO ACKNOWLEGE IT? YOU KNOW, REALLY STUPID! GOOD LESSON THOUGH, WE HAVE NEVER RACED A CROSSING ARM AGAIN! ANOTHER TRAIN INCIDENT INVOLVED MY BEING LAZY. WHEN WE LIVED IN ABERDEEN MARYLAND, WHEN WE FIRST GOT MARRIED, WE DIDN'T HAVE A CAR AND WE HAD TO WALK TO TOWN. IT WAS FASTER TO GO OVER THE TRACKS IN TOWN, BUGT NO ONE WAS ALLOWED TO DO SO BECAUSE THEY WERE FOR EXPRESS TRAINS AND THOSE TRAINS RACED ALONG AT ABOUT 60 MILES AN HOUR. YOU HAD TO GO THROUGH AN UNDERGROUND TUNNEL, FROM ONE SIDE TO THE OTHER, BUT I DIDN'T LIKE GOING THROUGH THE TUNNEL BECAUSE OLD NASTY BUMS WOULD LIVE DOWN THERE AND EVERYTHING SMELLED LIKE URINE. SO, LAZY GIRL THAT I AM, I TALKED MARTIN INTO WALKING OVER THE TRACKS INSTEAD OF GOING THROUGH THE TUNNEL. NOW, THERE WAS A TRAIN STOPPED, AND WE HAD TO CLIMB OVER A FLAT-BED CAR TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE. MARTIN CLIMBED OVER THE FLAT-BED AND JUMPED DOWN ON THE OTHER SIDE. I WAS PREGNANT AND LUMBERED UP TO THE CAR'S BED, BUT TOOK A MOMENT TO REST BEFORE JUMPING OFF ON THE OT HER SIDE. IT WAS ABOUT 5 FEET DOWN, SO I WANTED MARTIN TO HELP ME OFF. HE TOLD ME TO COME ON, AND I TOLD HIM TO WAIT A MINUTE. HE INSISTED THAT I COME ON AND HURRY, BUT I TOLD HIM TO COOL HIS HEELS. SUDDENLY, THE TRAIN LURCHED! THE TRAIN WAS MOVING! OH, CRAP! IT ONLY TOOK SECONDS FOR THOSE TRAINS TO TAKE OFF, AND THERE I WAS, ON A FLAT-BED CAR. MARTIN SCREAMED AT ME TO JUMP! JUMP? I WAS 6 MONTHS PREGNANT! BUT ANOTHER LURCH OF THE TRAIN WAS ALL THE IMPETUS I NEEDED TO SPRING INTO MARTIN'S ARMS, WHERE WE BOTH FELL IN A HEAP AT THE SIDE OF THE TRACKS. SURE ENOUGH, ZOOM! THAT TRAIN TOOK OFF AT A MIGHTY SPEED. I WOULD HAVE BEEN PLUMB IN PENSYLVANIA OR WORSE IF I HAD NOT JUMPED OFF! WE LAUGH NOW, BUT BELIEVE ME, IT WAS CLOSE! AS I THINK OF THE OUTCOME OF THESE INCIDENTS, HOW WE CAME OUT JUST FINE, I THINK OF THE PERIOD THAT I HAD GETTING OVER FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF, AS I MENTIONED IN A COUPLE OF POSTS BACK. BECAUSE OF THE TRACHEOSTOMY, I HAD LOST MY SINGING VOICE, AND I MISSED THAT, BUT I COULD LIVE WITH IT. I HAD TO SPEND QUITE A BIT OF EACH DAY CLEANING AND CARING FOR THE TRACH, AND WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE A NURSE COME IN, BUT I HAD TRAINING AND COULD DO IT MYSELF. I COUGHED ALL THE TIME AND STILL DO. I CHOKE EASILY AND THERE ARE THINGS I MISS EATING LIKE POPCORN AND NUTS AND YUMMY THINGS LIKE THAT. SEVERAL TIMES, I CHOKED UNTIL I PASSED OUT, BUT CAME AROUND AGAIN EACH TIME ONLY TO FIND THAT I HAD GOTTEN FOOD IN MY LUNGS AND WOUND UP WITH BRONCHITIS OR PNUMONIA. THESE THINGS BOTHERED ME, BUT IT WAS ABOUT 6 MONTHS AFTER GETTING THE TRACH THAT I SAT UP AND REALIZED THE REAL TRAGEDY OF HAVING ONE. I COULD NEVER SWIM AGAIN! I SO LOVE TO SWIM, AND EVEN AS HEAVY AS I WAS, I COULD SWIM VERY WELL. I LOVED TO GO TO THE OCEAN AND SWIM OUT AND BACK, I LOVED DOING LAPS IN A POOL, ANY EXCUSE TO GET INTO THE WATER, (SORT OF LIKE A SEA ELEPHANT) AND I WAS THERE. SO, WHEN IT OCCURRED TO ME THAT I COULD NEVER SWIM AGAIN, I BROKE DOWN AND BAWLED LIKE A BABY. MARTIN JUST HANDED ME A KLEENEX, (WE HAD BOXES ALL OVER THE HOUSE) AND SUGGESTED THAT WE GO AND HAVE LUNCH SOMEWHERE. SO, ME AND MY PITY PARTY AND MARTIN WENT TO A LOCAL RESTAURANT AND SAT IN THE BACK WHERE I COULD SNIFF AND CARRY ON. IT OCCURRED TO ME THAT MARTIN MUST BE GETTING TIRED OF ALL THE "POOR ME" BUSINESS, BUT I STARTED IN ANYWAY, LISTING MY "DIFFICULTIES" AND FEELING SORELY PUT UPON BECAUSE I HAD SO MANY "PROBLEMS". AFTER ALL, I HAD A HOLE IN MY NECK, WAS FAT, COULD NOT WALK VERY WELL, COULD NOT TALK VERY WELL, AND WORSE OF ALL, COULD NEVER SWIM AGAIN. WELL READERS, LET ME TELL YOU, IF YOU CANNOT PULL YOURSELF UP OUT OF A PITY HOLE, THE GOOD LORD WILL YANK YOU UP HIMSELF! AS I SAT THERE IN MY SELF-RIGHTEOUS PITY, I LOOKED UP AND FELT PULLED TO A MAN SITTING AT THE DINNER COUNTER. I COULD ONLY SEE HIS BACK, BUT HE WAS VERY THIN, AND HE HAD LONGER HAIR. AS I LOOKED AT HIS BACK, HE SUDDENLY TURNED AROUND, AND SEEING ME LOOKING AT HIM, LOOKED RIGHT BACK AT ME. IT WAS A LIFE CHANGING MOMENT, FOR THERE, LOOKING BACK AT ME WAS A CARICATURE OF A HUMAN. HE HAD BEEN BURNED, AND HIS FACE WAS ALL BUT GONE. HE HAD NO NOSE OR LIPS AND HIS EYES COULD BARELY OPEN FOR SCAR TISSUE. HIS FACE WAS A MASS OF HORRIBLE SCARS, AND HE WAS WEARING A WIG. I THEN NOTICED THAT HE HAD A METAL HAND. I DID MY BEST TO HIDE MY SHOCK, BUT I AM SURE THIS MAN IS USED TO LOOKS OF SHOCK OR REVULSION. I AM SURE IT ONLY LASTED A SECOND OR TWO, BUT THIS MOMENT CHANGED MY LIFE. EVERYTHING STOPPED FOR ME, AND IN MY MIND, I KNEW THAT HEAVENLY FATHER HAD MADE SURE THAT I WOULD HAVE CONTACT WITH THIS POOR MAN. I AM NOT SURE IF HE WAS A "POOR MAN" AS HE WAS OUT IN PUBLIC LIKE THAT, TALKING TO PEOPLE AND LIVING HIS LIFE. HOW HE OVERCAME THE HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE THAT SCARRED HIM, I DON'T KNOW. BUT I DO KNOW THAT MY SHAME WAS SO INTENSE THAT I WOULD RATHER HAVE TAKEN A BEATING THAN TO HAVE TO LOOK INSIDE AND SEE THE "BABY" THAT I HAD BECOME. I SMILED AT THAT MAN, WE DID NOT TALK, BUT HE TRIED TO SMILE BACK, AND TURNED BACK TO THE COUNTER. WHAT COURAGE HE HAD TO GO ON AND LIVE HIS LIFE. NOW, I APOLOGIZED TO MARTIN FOR CARRYING ON AND ON, AND RESOLVED NEVER TO DO SO AGAIN. AND, I TOLD HIM, "IF I DO, I HOPE SOMETHING ELSE COMES ALONG TO PUT ME IN MY PLACE!" SO, FOR THE NEXT YEAR, I WAS HAPPIER, MORE CONFIDENT AND MORE GRATEFUL THAN EVER BEFORE. JARED WAS GROWING UP, JESSICA AND AARON ANNOUNCED THAT THEY WERE GOING TO HAVE CHILDREN, AND THE NEW MILLINIUM HAD JUST COME. WE WERE DOING WELL, AND REALLY ENJOYING LIFE, ESPECIALLY AS I HAD "GROWN UP" AND ACCEPTED MY CHALLENGES. THEN, ONE DAY NEAR CHRISTMAS, I WAS TRYING TO MAIL PACKAGES OFF TO SOMEONE, AND HAD HAD A REALLY TRYING DAY. IT WAS COLD, I WAS COUGHING AND HAD A COLD. IT WAS JUST ONE OF THOSE DAYS WHERE NOTING WAS GOING RIGHT, AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF, WHEN I WENT TO MAIL MY PACKAGES, I DROPPED THEM AND ONE RIPPED OPEN. I SWORE, AND STEPPED BACK FROM THE COUNTER TO PICK THEM UP. I WAS THINKING THAT JUST ONCE, JUST ONCE, SOMETHING COULD GO RIGHT! GIVE ME A BREAK, BUT WHY DID EVERYTHING HAPPEN TO ME?!!! IN THE PROCESS OF STEPPING BACK AND MENTALLY GROUSING, I STEPPED ON SOMEONE'S FOOT BEHIND ME AND REACHED AROUND TO GRAB THEM AND TRY TO KEEP FROM DOING MORE HARM. MY HAND CLAMPED AROUND A METAL PROTHESIS FOR AN ARM, AND I TURNED AND WAS EYE TO EYE WITH THE MAN WHO HAD BEEN BURNED. AS WE MADE EYE CONTACT, MY SHOCK MUST HAVE BEEN EVIDENT, BECAUSE I COULD SEE THE HURT IN HIS EYES WHEN HE SAW MY EXPRESSION. I QUICKLY GATHERED MYSELF TOGETHER AND SAID, "WELL, HELLO AGAIN! I HOPE I DID NOT BREAK YOUR FOOT! I AM SO CLUMSY- PLEASE EXCUSE ME!" HE BRIEFLY NODDED BUT STILL DID NOT LOOK AT ME. I TURNED FULLY TO FACE HIM, AND SOMETHING DEEP INSIDE ME CAME TO THE SURFACE. I DIDN'T THINK IF IT WERE CORRECT OR NOT, I HAD TO SAY SOMETHING TO HIM. FORTUNATELY WE WERE THE ONLY TWO CUSTOMERS THERE, AND SO I QUIETLY SAID, "I WANT TO THANK YOU." HE LOOKED SURPRISED. I WENT ON, "I SO ADMIRE YOUR COURAGE, FACING LIFE IN SPITE OF YOUR OBVIOUS TRIALS, HOW BRAVE YOU ARE. YOU ARE THE ONE THAT GAVE ME THE COURAGE TO QUIT BEING A BABY OVER MY LITTLE TRIALS, AND THAT CHANGED ME FOR THE BETTER. AFTER SEEING YOU IN THE RESTAURANT ONE DAY, I FELT BLESSED TO HAVE BEEN ABLE TO SEE YOUR EXAMPLE OF LOVING LIFE. PLEASE FORGIVE ME IF I HAVE OFFENDED YOU IN ANY WAY, IT WAS NOT MY INTENT. I TRULY WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I APPRECIATE YOU AND ALL YOU STAND FOR." HE MUMBLED, "I REMEMBER SEEING YOU, YOU LOOKED SO SAD". I TOLD HIM THAT I WAS, BUT HE CHANGED THAT. WE PARTED WAYS, AND HAVE MET ON OCCASION SINCE THEN. HIS SCARS HAVE NOT FADED, BUT I DON'T SEE THEM. MY MENTAL SCARS HAVE FADED, AND I DON'T SEE THEM EITHER. I HAVE MANY BLESSINGS TO COUNT, NOT BEING IMPALED BY A SHARD OF GLASS, NOT GETTING HIT BY A TRAIN, NOT BEING TAKEN TO PENNSYLVANIA, BUT MOST OF ALL, NOT WALLOWING IN PITY OVER SOMETHING AS REDICULOUS AS FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF. MORE TOMORROW, LOVE, NANASEE

THE HARD ROAD TO COMPASSION

DURING THE TIME THAT I WAS EXPERIENCING MANY MEDICAL DIFFICULTIES, ONE IN PARTICULAR WAS HAVING UNEXPLAINED CHEST PAIN. I HAD BEEN TO OTHER DOCTORS, AND COULD NOT FIND THE REASON EXCEPT FOR A PINCHED NERVE. FINALLY, I WAS SENT TO ANOTHER CARDIOLOGIST. HE WAS AN ASS. HE WAS UNINTERESTED, UNCARING AND UNCOMMUNICATIVE. HE DECIDED I DO A TREAD MILL STRESS TEST. OF COURSE I WAS APPREHENSIVE, AND WORRIED THAT I WOULD GET ILL WITH ALL THE ACTIVITY REQUIRED. BUT, HE INSISTED. SO, ON THE TREAD MILL I WENT AND BEGAN TO WALK. IT SPEEDED UP AND SO DID I. MY CHEST BEGAN TO HURT, I BECAME DIZZY AND FELT FAINT. THE NURSE SOUNDED WORRIED THAT MY BLOOD PRESSURE WAS RISING ALARMINGLY. SHE WHISPERED SOMETHING TO THE DOCTOR, AND HE JUST SHRUGGED. SHE GESTURED AT THE BLOOD PRESSURE MONITOR, AND HE THREW UP HIS HANDS AND TOLD ME TO GET OFF THE TREAD MILL. "LAY DOWN OVER THERE!" HE SNAPPED, POINTING TO A GURNEY. I WAS SHAKING, SWEATING AND MY HEAD AND CHEST WERE POUNDING. I LAY THERE FOR SOME TIME, AND THE DOCTOR FINALLY SAID, "I'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK". I LOOKED AT HIM AND SAID, (SARCASTICALLY) "OH, WERE YOU TALKING TO ME? I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOUR VOICE SINCE THAT IS THE FIRST TIME YOU HAVE ADDRESSED ME!" HE DID NOT EVEN LOOK AT ME, JUST GOT UP AND WALKED OUT. I GOT DRESSED AND WENT TO WAIT FOR MY NEXT TEST. I WAS SO UPSET, AND I FOUND SELF IN A CLOSET CRYING MY EYES OUT. I WAS TIRED OF ALL THIS. WHY COULD'NT I JUST BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE? I HAD ALWAYS BEEN SO HEALTHY! NOW, MY LIFE WAS NOTHING BUT MEDICAL TESTS, SURGERY, PAIN AND UNCERTAINTY. I BECAME ANGRY AND THEN STARTED TO PRAY. "HEAVENLY FATHER, WHY ARE YOU PUTTING ME THROUGH THIS? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS TREATMENT? I AM A GOOD PERSON, AND I DON'T DESERVE BEING MISTREATED AND ABUSED LIKE THIS." OF COURSE THE TEARS OF PITY CONTINUED TO SPILL, AND THEN A QUIET THOUGHT ENTERED MY MIND. "I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER HOW THESE AWFUL FEELINGS FEEL. EVERYDAY, YOU WILL MEET SOMEONE WHO IS AS DESPONDENT AS YOU ARE RIGHT NOW. BECAUSE YOU ARE SURROUNDED BY LOVE, FAMILY LOVE, AND SPIRITUAL LOVE, YOU NEVER HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO FEEL THIS KIND OF PAIN. NOW, YOU CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT THESE, MY CHILDREN, ARE FEELING AND CAN REACH OUT TO THEM. PLEASE REMEMBER THIS MOMENT WHEN YOU ARE SERVING ME". I WAS SO HUMBLED. MY HEART FELT LIKE A DARKNESS HAD BEEN LIFTED. WHY, ONE OF THOSE "CHILDREN" IN PAIN MUST HAVE EVEN BEEN THE DOCTOR! WHY ELSE WOULD HE BE SO INDIFFERENT AND ABUSIVE? I HAVE NEVER FORGOTTON THE DESPAIR AND ABANDONMENT THAT I FELT THAT DAY, BUT I AM GRATEFUL FOR THE LESSON I WAS GIVEN. I AM GLAD THAT I WENT THROUGH THAT-I AM A BETTER PERSON FOR IT.
ANOTHER TIME I FOUND MYSELF GRIPING ABOUT HAVING TO USE A WHEELCHAIR. INSTEAD OF BEING GRATEFUL FOR MY HUSBAND INSISTING THAT HE PUSH ME, I COMPLAINED THAT PEOPLE WOULD STARE AND I FELT UNCOMFORTABLE ABOUT THAT. HERE IS WHAT HAPPENED. WE WERE GOING TO HAVE A HUGE GATHERING OF MORMON MEMBERS AT THE ASTRODOME TO WELCOME OUR PROPHET, AND ABOUT 10,000 MEMBERS WERE EXPECTED. I KNEW THAT I WOULD BE SEEING MANY FRIENDS THAT WERE NOT AWARE THAT I WAS HAVING DIFFICULTY, AND DIDN'T WANT THEM TO SEE ME IN A WHEELCHAIR. MARTIN INSISTED THAT I WOULD NOT GO UNLESS I WENT IN A WHEELCHAIR, I COULD NOT POSSIBLE MANAGE THE LONG WALK, STAIRS AND EFFORT IT WOULD TAKE TO GET TO SEATING ON MY OWN. I GRIPED, HOLLERED, YELLED AND COMPLAINED. HE WOULD NOT BUDGE. FINALLY HE TOLD ME THAT I COULD NOT GO IF I DID NOT GIVE IN, AND IF I DID NOT GO, THEN NO ONE WAS GOING. SO, I GAVE IN AND WE TOOK THE WHEELCHAIR. I WAS SO EXCITED FOR THE CHANCE TO SEE OUR DEAR PROPHET, PRESIDENT HINCKLEY, BUT FELT SO BAD THAT PEOPLE WOULD SEE ME LIKE THAT. WHEN WE ARRIVED, MARTIN PUSHED ME ACROSS THE VERY LONG PARKING LOT, TO AN ELEVATOR AND INTO THE ASTRODOME. WE WERE THEN TOLD THAT ALL PEOPLE IN WHEELCHAIRS WOULD BE PLACED ON THE FLOOR OF THE ASTRODOME, RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE SPEAKERS PODIUM! MANY OTHER TRULY HANDICAPPED PEOPLE WERE THERE, THOSE WHO COULD NOT WALK, WERE PARALYZED, AND TINY INFANTS THAT WOULD HAVE TO STRUGGLE THEIR WHOLE LIVES. I REALIZED THAT MY INFIRMITY WAS TEMPORARY, AND IT WAS UP TO ME TO FIGHT TO GET STRONGER. SO MANY OF THOSE WITH ME HAD NO CHOICES. I DETERMINED THAT I WOULD DO BETTER TO BE MORE COMPASSIONATE TO THOSE LESS FORTUNATE THAN I, AND TO WORK HARD TO GET STRONGER SO THAT MY DEAR HUSBAND WOULD NOT HAVE ME TO ADD TO HIS BURDENS INSTEAD OF HELPING HIM. SO, I FOUND MYSELF LESS THAN 20 FEET AWAY FROM WHERE THE PROPHET WOULD ME MAKING HIS REMARKS. MY WHOLE FAMILY GOT TO GO DOWN THERE TOO, AND WE WERE SO TICKLED. AND THEN, IT HAPPENED. A GOLF CART CAME DRIVING DOWN TO WHERE WE WERE, AND THE PROPHET, HIS WIFE AND OTHER SPEAKERS WERE RIDING IN IT. AS I STOOD UP TO SEE BETTER, I REALIZED THAT I WAS RIGHT IN THE PATH OF THE GOLFCART, AND THE PROPHET PASSED RIGHT BY ME! AS HE PASSED, HE LOOKED ME RIGHT IN THE EYE AND SAID, "BLESS YOU SISTER". I WAS SO STUNNED! THEN, THEY TOOK THEIR PLACES ON THE PODIUM, AND I WAS RIGHT THERE JUST UNDERNEATH THEM TO HEAR THE WONDERFUL PROGRAM. HOW BLESSED I WAS! THANK GOODNESS THAT I HAD TO HAVE A WHEELCHAIR! THANK GOODNESS THAT MARTIN IS STUBBORN! IT WAS AN EXPERIENCE THAT GAVE ME SO MUCH COURAGE TO CONTINUE, AND TO ME, IT WAS A SIGN THAT HEAVENLY FATHER WAS VERY AWARE OF MY FEELINGS. SO, YES, IT IS A HARD ROAD TO COMPASSION, BUT HOW ELSE WOULD I LEARN I AM SO VERY THANKFUL FOR THESE EXPERIENCES! AND FOR ALL OF YOU, MY LOVED ONES! LOVE, NANASEE

IT IS STILL RAINING! WHERE IS THE RAINBOW?

SO, NOW I HAD A TRACHEOSTOMY AND WOULD HAVE IT FOR LIFE. I LOOKED INSIDE MYSELF TO SEE WHERE THE WOMAN HAD GONE WHO WAS SO CONFIDENT, SO COCKY, SO SURE OF HERSELF. I HAD EVERYTHING ANYONE COULD EVER WANT, MY LOVING HUSBAND, MY CHILDREN, A GRANDSON AND OTHER FAMILY AND LOVING FRIENDS. I HAD A LOVELY HOME IN SEABROOK, NEAR THE WATER, COULD FISH WHENEVER I WANTED, A GOOD INCOME AS MARTIN HAD JOB SECURITY, THE GOSPEL, JUST EVERYTHING. THE ONLY WRINKLE IN THE COTTON WAS A LITTLE TUBE IN MY NECK THAT I DEPENDED ON FOR LIFE. I WAS BEING SOMEWHAT OF A BABY ABOUT THAT- I HAD TO GET OVER IT! AARON HAD RETURNED FROM HIS MISSION IN MAY OF THAT YEAR, BEFORE THE TRACH, AND HE WAS LIVING WITH US. I LOVED HAVING HIM HOME SO VERY MUCH, I COULDN'T DO ENOUGH FOR HIM. HE IS SO LOVING AND HAS ALWAYS HONORED ME, AND I WANTED HIM TO BE HAPPY. WE ALSO HAD A PAIR OF GERMAN SHEPHERDS, ONE FEMALE AND ONE MALE. WE HAD HAD THE MALE SINCE JUST AFTER OTTO HAD DIED, AND THE FEMALE FOR ONLY A COUPLE OF YEARS. THE MALE'S NAME WAS RANGER, AND THE FEMALE NAME HEIDI. THEY WERE LIKE OUR CHILDREN, AND WE LOVED THEM VERY MUCH. RANGER WOULD GUARD THE HOUSE, CHECKING TO SEE IF EVERYONE WAS IN THEIR BEDS. IF NOT, HE WOULD COME AND WAKE ME. I CAN'T TELL YOU ENOUGH ABOUT HOW MUCH HE MEANT TO US. HE HAD HAD AN ACCIDENT AND HURT ONE OF HIS HIPS, AND WE WERE GOING TO HAVE TO GET SURGERY EVENTUALLY TO HELP HIM. THE COST WAS ASTOUNDING, BUT HE WAS WORTH IT. ONE DAY, IN SEPTEMBER, AARON HAD A FRIEND COME OVER, AND SHE LEFT THE GATE OPEN. I WAS IN THE HOUSE, AND HEARD SCREAMING, AND RAN OUTSIDE TO SEE THAT RANGER WAS OUT OF THE YARD AND HAVING A DOG FIGHT WITH 3 OTHER DOGS THAT A LADY WAS WALKING. I JUMPED INTO THE MIDDLE AND BROKE IT UP, SENDING RANGER BACK INTO THE YARD. THE LADY WAS SCREAMING AND SWEARING AT ME, AND I WAS TRYING TO SEE IF SHE WAS HURT. SHE WOULDN'T LISTEN TO ME AND STARTED OFF DOWN THE STREET SCREAMING THAT SHE WAS CALLING THE POLICE. I WAS SO UPSET, THAT I COLLAPSED ON THE LAWN, SHAKING AND IN TEARS. BY THEN, MARTIN AND THE FAMILY HAD COME AND SEEN THE TROUBLE. HE HELPED ME UP AND INTO THE HOUSE, BUT ALL I COULD DO WAS SOB AND SHAKE. I WAS SO FRIGHTENED. THE POLICE CAME AND I TOLD THEM WHAT HAD HAPPENED. THEY TOOK A REPORT AND LEFT, TELLING ME TO KEEP RANGER LOCKED UP. THE NEXT DAY, THE ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER CAME AND TOOK HIS REPORT. HE THEN TOLD US THAT THERE WOULD BE A HUGE FINE, WE WOULD HAVE TO HAVE RANGER EXAMINED FOR RABIES, (THE WOMAN HAD SUSTAINED A SCRATCH ON HER ARM) AND WOULD HAVE TO DECLARE RANGER A DANGEROUS ANIMAL. WE WOULD HAVE TO GET A BOND FOR 100,000.00 TOO. IT WAS ALL TOO MUCH. I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT IT, I JUST HAD THEM TAKE RANGER TO PUT HIM DOWN. MY MIND WAS SO WEARY DUE TO ALL THE DIFFICULTIES OVER THE YEAR, AND THAT WAS THE STRAW THAT BROKE ME. MARTIN AGREED WITH ME, AND WE HAD RANGER EUTHANIZED. HEIDI WENT TO LIVE WITH ANOTHER RELATIVE. THEN WE GOT A NOTICE THAT SHE WAS SUING US. WE HAD HOMEOWNERS INSURANCE THAT COVERED IT, BUT I NEVER DID HEAR WHAT HAPPENED. FOR SOME REASON, IT SEEMS THAT IT NEVER WENT ANYWHERE. I LATER FOUND OUT THAT SHE HAD SUED OTHER NEIGHBORS UNDER JUST THE SAME CIRCUMSTANCES. I WAS JUST SICK WITH SADNESS, WHY WAS SO MUCH HAPPENING TO US? WE WERE GOOD PEOPLE, AND FOR A WHILE, I COULD NOT SEE MY BLESSINGS AT ALL. THEN, LITTLE BY LITTLE, THE SUN BEGAN TO COME OUT FOR PEEPS AT A TIME. AARON MET A LOVELY GIRL AND FELL IN LOVE, JESSICA HAD BEEN PLANNING HER WEDDING TO ROBBY. BOBBIE JO HAD JARED AND OWEN, AND PEANUT WAS DOING WELL. MARTIN AND I HAD SUCH A DEEP LOVE, WE, AS USUAL, STOOD AS ONE. I WAS BECOMING STONGER. HALLOWEEN SOON CAME, AND I MADE JARED'S LITTLE COSTUME. THE YEAR BEFORE HE HAD BEEN A TINY DALMATION, (OWEN IS A FIREFIGHTER) AND WE TOOK PICTURES OF HIM ON THE FIRE TRUCK. THIS YEAR, I MADE HIM A FLINTSTONES BAM-BAM COSTUME. THEY CAME OUT TO THE HOUSE, AND WENT TRICK-OR-TREATING, AND SOON IT WAS THANKSGIVING. WE HAD THEM OUT FOR THAT TOO, ALL THE FAMILY TOGETHER. THEN, CHRISTMAS. MARTIN AGAIN PLAYED SANTA CLAUSE FOR THE CHURCH, AND JARED WAS NOT AFRAID OF HIM. ON THE WAY HOME, WE WERE ALMOST KILLED BY A SEMI-TRUCK WITH JARED RIDING WITH US. BY THE GRACE OF GOD, THE TRUCK MISSED US, AND WE WERE OKAY. I WAS SHAKED FOR SOME TIME AS I REALIZED HOW CLOSE IT HAD BEEN. THEN CAME THE NEW YEAR. DURING ALL OF THIS TIME JESSICA WAS PLANNING A WEDDING FOR FEBRUARY 12TH, AND EXPECTED TO HAVE 300 GUESTS. THAT IS ALL I THOUGHT ABOUT AND WE WERE CONSTANTLY GOING TO GET READY. SHE HAD PURCHASED A LOVELY DRESS, AND A FEW DAYS BEFORE THE WEDDING WE WERE TOLD THAT WHEN THEY WERE PRESSING IT, THE IRON BLEW AND BURNED HER DRESS. THE ONLY THING WE COULD DO THEN WAS TO TAKE THE MODEL DRESS AND USE THAT. WE HAD A HUGE BAR-B-QUE IN A LOVELY HALL. FINALLY THE BIG DAY CAME, WITH A LOVELY CEREMONY AND THEN OFF TO THE HALL TO HAVE THE RECEPTION. I WILL NEVER FORGET THE SHOCK OF LOOKING OUT OVER THE TABLES FILLED WITH OVER 300 PEOPLE, AND WONDERING IF I COULD POSSIBLY FEED THEM ALL. THERE WAS MUSIC, DANCING AND OF COURSE MARTIN'S BAR-B-QUE! WE SERVED AND SERVED. 30BRISKETS, 40 LBS OF SAUSAGE,LOTS OF CHICKEN, GALLONS OF COLE SLAW, BEANS POTATO SALAD, BREAD AND EXTRAS. WE EVEN HAD LEFT-OVERS! THEN THE HONEYMOONERS LEFT AMID A FLOURISH OF CORSAGE TOSSING AND WELL WISHES. YOU WOULD THINK THAT I COULD NOW STOP AND REST FOR A BIT, BUT ONLY A FEW DAYS BEFORE THIS, AARON AND HIS LOVELY SARAH HAD INFORMED ME THAT THEY WERE ALSO GOING TO HAVE THEIR WEDDING IN FEBRUARY. "GOOD," I TOLD THEM, "AT LEAST I HAVE ANOTHER YEAR BEFORE I GET TO DO THIS AGAIN!" AARON SAID, "NO MAMA, I MEAN THIS FEBRUARY. ON THE 26TH. YOU CAN DO IT, RIGHT?" I MUST HAVE LOOKED LIKE I HAD BEEN SLAPPED WITH A TUNA. BUT HE WAS SERIOUS, AND SO WE HUNKERED DOWN AND TO BOBBIE JO CREDIT, THREW TOGETHER A SMALL WEDDING THAT WAS VERY LOVELY ONLY TWO WEEKS AFTER THE HUGE ONE JESSICA AND ROBBY HAD HAD. FINALLY, SOME DOWN TIME! BUT, SURE ENOUGH, DOWN TIME IS SOMETHING THAT SEEMS TO ELUDE ME. IT WAS IN APRIL, THAT I HAD A CHECK-UP ONLY TO FIND THAT I HAD "A LITTLE SOMETHING" ON MY SCALP. THE SAMPLE TAKEN OF THE AREA SHOWED SKIN CANCER. IT WAS PRETTY SMALL, WE WOULD JUST TAKE IT OUT AND BE DONE WITH IT. BUT, WHEN THE SURGEON GOT INSIDE, THE CANCER HAD SPREAD UNDER THE SKIN, AND WAS QUITE LARGE. THIS WAS NOT MELANOMA, BUT ANOTHER KIND OF SKIN CANCER THAT IS NOT LIFE THREATENING IF REMOVED. THE SURGEON THOUGHT AT FIRST THAT HE WOULD HAVE TO REMOVE A LARGE PATCH OF MY SCALP AND DO PLASTIC SURGERY, AND THAT WOULD LEAVE ME BALD. BUT, I AWOKE FROM THE SURGERY WITH A TIGHTNESS IN MY FACE, AND FOUND THAT THE DOCTOR HAD BEEN ABLE TO STRETCH THE SKIN ON MY SCALP TO CLOSE THE WOUND, ONLY LEAVING A LONG SCAR ON TOP OF MY HEAD. HE TOLD ME I HAD BEEN GIVEN A COMPLIMENTARY FACE LIFT IN THE PROCESS, AND I TOLD HIM THAT IF HE HAD PULLED IT ANY TIGHTER I WOULD HAVE HAD A PERMANENT PAIR OF EARRINGS. (MEANING THAT MY BREASTS WERE ALMOST UP UNDER MY NECK, JUST KIDDING OF COURSE). THEN, I BEGAN TO HAVE TROUBLE BREATHING AGAIN, AND THEY FOUND THAT SCAR TISSUE HAD ALMOST CLOSED THE OPENING WHERE MY TRACH ENTERED MY LUNGS. MORE SURGERY. A LUMP IN MY LEG. SURGERY. NOW, ANOTHER TUMOR ON THE OTHER ADRENAL GLAND. LEAVE IT ALONE. SEVERAL LUMPS IN MY LUNGS AND KIDNEYS, ONE ON THE BONE IN MY LEFT ARM, ONE IN MY EYE. NONE OF THESE PROVED TO BE CANCEROUS BUT NUMEROUS MOLES THAT WERE CANCEROUS. TAKE THEM OFF. ALL OF THIS WITHIN A TWO YEAR PERIOD. IT WOULD TAKE A FEW MORE YEARS, BUT WE WOULD FINALLY FIND OUT WHY I GREW SO MANY BUMPS AND LUMPS. MY DOCTOR REFERRED TO ME AS AN "ALIEN". TOMORROW, I WILL TELL YOU OF AN ACCIDENTAL MEETING THAT CHANGED MY OUTLOOK. I TRULY AM BLESSED! LOVE, NANASEE

JARED

OH, MY WHOLE WORLD SEEMED TO STOP AS I BEGAN TO KNOW MY JARED. HE WAS A LARGE BABY, AND HIS MAMA BROUGHT HIM INTO THE WORLD WITH VERY LITTLE EFFORT. HE PICKED HIS HEAD UP RIGHT AFTER HE WAS BORN, AND I WAS AMAZED. HE CRIED, AND I WAS AMAZED. WHEN HE WET HIS DIAPER, NURSED HIS MAMA, OR OPENED HIS EYES, I WAS AMAZED. I WAS SO GRATEFUL THAT I HAD SURVIVED THE ILLNESS JUST SO I COULD WITNESS HIS COMING INTO THE WORLD. THE DAY AFTER JARED WAS BORN, SISSY MET ROBBY AT THE HOSPITAL, AND ANOTHER LOVE STORY BEGAN. I WAS OUT OF NURSING SCHOOL AT THE TIME, AND COULD GO AND HELP BOBBIE JO WITH JARED, AND THAT IS ALL I THOUGHT ABOUT. JARED HELPED HIS PAPA(MARTIN) BEGIN TO LIVE AGAIN AFTER OTTO HAD BEEN KILLED SO MANY YEARS BEFORE. A LIGHT BEGAN TO SHINE IN PAPA'S EYES, AND HE KNEW JOY. WE WENT EVERY DAY TO SEE JARED, THE TRIP WAS 35 MILES ONE WAY, BUT WE DIDN'T CARE. I WAS A NANA. THIS IS A TITLE THAT I HONOR ABOVE ALL OTHERS. BEING A NANA IS EVERYTHING. I NOW HAD AN EXCUSE TO FILL THE HOUSE WITH SNACKS, CALL BOBBIE JO AS MANY TIMES AS I WANTED, AND IN GENERAL JUST BE A NANA NUESANCE. I STILL HAD THE MEDICAL PROBLEMS LOOMING OVER ME- WE MADE AN APPOINTMENT FOR THE CANCER HOSPITAL CLINIC, AND HAD TO WAIT ABOUT A MONTH TO GET IN. THE DAY WE WENT TO THE CLINIC, WHICH WAS LOCATED IN THE CANCER HOSPITAL, I SAT ON THE CURB ACROSS THE STREET AND REFUSED TO GO IN. I TOLD MARTIN THAT IF I WENT IN, I WOULD NOT COME OUT. I KNEW IT. HE FINALLY TALKED ME INTO GETTING UP AND GOING INTO THE CLINIC. I HAD MY RECORDS, AND SOON I WAS TALKING TO DOCTORS, TAKING TEST AFTER TEST AND FINALLY BEING ADMITTED TO SEE IF THEY COULD PIN POINT THE PROBLEM. THEY FOUND I HAD A CONDITION CALLED CUSHINGS SYNDROME. THIS IS CAUSED BY OVERPRODUCING ADRENAL GLANDS. THE SYMPTOMS ARE DIZZYNESS, WEAKNESS, FAINTING, MUSCLE FATIGUE, HEADACHE AND A MYRIAD OF OTHER THINGS. IT IS HARD TO DIAGNOSE, BUT THEY FINALLY FOUND IT, AND IN NOVEMBER, IT WAS DECIDED TO DO SURGERY TO REMOVE THE ADRENAL GLAND THAT HAD A VERY LARGE TUMOR. THE SURGERY WAS AWFUL, AND ALTHOUGH I CONSIDER MYSELF TOUGH, I WAS A PUSS AS THE PAIN WAS UNENDURABLE. THEY HAD CUT ME FROM BACK TO FRONT, A HUGE INCISION WITH OVER 90 STAPLES. THE FIRST TIME I TRIED TO STAND UP, I PASSED OUT FROM THE PAIN. THE SECOND TIME, I MADE IT TO MY FEET, BUT COULD NOT MOVE. ON THE THIRD DAY AFTER SURGERY, A TINY LITTLE NURSE FROM THE PHILLIPINES CAME IN AND TOLD ME SHE WAS GOING TO HELP ME GET A SHOWER. I TOLD HER NO, I DIDN'T WANT ANYONE TO SEE MY FAT BODY. SHE GENTLY SAID THAT A SHOWER WOULD HELP ME SO MUCH, AND SHE WANTED TO HELP ME. I WAS EMBARRASSED. I DIDN'T WANT TO BE TROUBLE, SO I WENT TO THE SHOWER AND SHE GOT IN WITH ME. I BEGAN TO CRY, I WAS SO EMBARRASSED FOR HER TO SEE ME, AND SHE STOPPED WHAT SHE WAS DOING. SHE GENTLY REACHED UP TO TOUCH MY FACE AND SAID, "IT IS AN HONOR TO SERVE THE CHILDREN OF GOD. I DO NOT SEE YOUR BODY, ONLY YOUR SPIRIT, AND I WANT TO HELP YOU. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL IN GOD'S EYES AND IN MINE. PLEASE LET ME HELP YOU". I WAS SO HUMBLED. THIS TINY LITTLE WOMAN TAUGHT ME SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL AND SACRED. I HAVE NEVER FORGOTTEN THAT, AND TRULY I BEGAN TO FEEL BETTER FROM THAT MOMENT. IT TOOK MANY WEEKS FOR ME TO FEEL BETTER AND FOR THE PAIN TO IMPROVE. I COULD NOT WALK VERY WELL, AS I WAS SO WEAK. I HAD TO USE A WHEELCHAIR, AND I WAS EMBARRASSED. I WAS ANXIOUS FOR THE TIME EACH FOUR HOURS TO TAKE THE PAIN MEDS, AND I REALIZED THAT I WAS BECOMING DEPENDENT ON THEM. THIS WORRIED ME, I HAD ENOUGH PROBLEMS WITHOUT DRUG ADDICTION. IT WAS DIFFICULT, BUT I BEGAN TO CUT BACK AND HANDLE THE PAIN IN OTHER WAYS. FINALLY, I WAS ABLE TO DO WITHOUT THEM, AND IT AMAZES ME HOW EASILY YOU CAN GET HOOKED. CHRISTMAS SEASON CAME, BUT I HAD NO INTEREST, AND DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO PUT UP A TREE. SOME DEAR FRIENDS CAME, BROUGHT A TREE AND DECORATIONS AND DECORATED THE HOUSE. IT WAS SO VERY KIND OF THEM, AND HELPED MY SPIRIT SO MUCH. IT WAS DURING THIS TIME THAT IT WAS DISCOVERED THAT I HAD A GREAT CHANCE THAT THE THYROID TUMOR COULD BE CANCER. I HAD TO RECOVER FROM THE ADRENAL SURGERY BEFORE I COULD UNDERGO ANOTHER SURGERY AND SO WE WAITED UNTIL JANUARY,1999. IT WAS INDEED CANCER. ACTUALLY, I HAD TWO TYPES OF CANCER IN MY THYROID, AND IT WAS VERY UNUSUAL TO DO SO. I HAD TO GO THROUGH A FORM OF CHEMO. IT WAS LIQUID RADIATION, AND I HAD TO DRINK IT AND THEN BE ISOLATED FOR THREE DAYS UNTIL THE RADIATION HAD COME DOWN TO NORMAL LEVELS. I WAS ISOLATED IN A LEAD LINED ROOM, AND NO ONE COULD COME IN UNLESS THEY WERE WEARING A SPECIAL SUIT. THEY SERVED MY FOOD THROUGH A SLOT IN THE DOOR, AND I FELT VERY STUPID BEING LOCKED UP LIKE THAT. TWO WEEKS AFTER THE SURGERY, I AWOKE WITH A TERRIBLE PAIN IN MY THROAT. IT WAS SEARING, BURNING, AND I CALLED THE DOCTOR. I WAS TOLD THAT IT WAS THE LAST OF THE THYROID TISSUE DYING FROM THE RADIATION. COULD THEY HAVE WARNED ME? I HAD A SORE THROAT FOR ABOUT A WEEK, AND THEN IT GOT BETTER. THE ONE THING THOUGH, THAT WAS REALLY HARD WAS THAT I COULD NOT GET ENOUGH AIR WHEN I BREATHED IN. I CONSTANTLY FELT THAT I WAS SMOTHERING. I TOLD MY DOCTOR, AND HE WAS NOT CONCERNED. HE SAID IT WOULD GET BETTER WHEN THE SWELLING IN MY THROAT WENT DOWN. IT DIDN'T. I WAS STILL TOO WEAK TO WALK, AND COULD NOT GET AROUND, DO THE HOUSEWORK, HELP MY FAMILY OR ANYTHING. I STILL HAD TO USE THE WHEELCHAIR. I WONDERED IF I WOULD EVERY GET BETTER. THE SPRING PASSED, AND THEN IT WAS SUMMER AND STILL I COULN'T BREATH PROPERLY. I WHEEZED CONSTANTLY, AND FELT LIGHT HEADED ALL THE TIME. I WENT FOR A CHECK-UP IN JULY, JUST AFTER MY BIRTHDAY, AND BOBBIE JO AND JARED WENT WITH ME. MY DOCTOR WAS OUT OF THE COUNTRY, AND I HAD TO SEEN ANOTHER. BOBBIE JO TOLD THAT DOCTOR THAT I WAS HAVING TROUBLE BREATHING AND SHE CHECKED ME. SHE BECAME VERY ALARMED AND ASKED HOW LONG THIS HAD BEEN GOING ON. I TOLD HER FOR 6 MONTHS- AND SHE TOLD ME THAT MY VOCAL CHORDS WERE NOT MOVING AND I WAS NOT GETTING ENOUGH OXYGEN. MY OXYGEN LEVELS WERE QUITE LOW, AND SHE THEN TOLD ME I NEEDED A TRACHEOSTOMY. SHE EXPLAINED THAT I WOULD HAVE TO HAVE ONE FOR LIFE- AND IT WAS TOO MUCH FOR ME TO COMPREHEND. BOBBIE JO TOOK OVER AND SAID "FIX MY MAMA. I DON'T CARE WHAT IT TAKES. SHE WILL DO WHAT YOU TELL HER." SHE THEN CALLED MARTIN AND TOLD HIM THAT I WAS HAVING AN EMERGENCY TRACHEOSTOMY. THINGS WENT QUICKLY THEN, AND THE NEXT DAY, I HAD THE SURGERY. I AWOKE FROM THE SURGERY WITH A FEELING OF PANIC. I FELT THAT MY LIFE WAS NO LONGER IN MY CONTROL, BUT THERE WAS VERY LITTLE PAIN, AND MY HEAD FELT MUCH MORE CLEAR. I WAS FINALLY GETTING ENOUGH OXYGEN, BUT I COULD NOT TALK. THE FUNNY THING IS, THAT WHEN I WAS IN NURSING SCHOOL, THE OTHER STUDENTS REFUSED TO CARE FOR THE PATIENTS WITH TRACHEOSTOMY'S. I DIDN'T MIND AND HAD CARED FOR A FEW. HOW COULD I HAVE KNOWN THAT THIS WAS WHAT WAS IN STORE FOR ME? I REFUSED TO LET MARTIN GO HOME, I WAS AFRAID THAT I WOULD SUFFOCATE IN THE NIGHT. IT WAS A WIERD FEELING KNOWING THAT I WAS TOTALLY DEPENDENT ON A LITTLE TUBE FOR MY LIFE. HE STAYED WITH ME, AND THE NEXT DAY COMPANY STARTED TO ARRIVE. I REFUSED TO SEE ANYONE, I WAS ASHAMED OF THE TRACH. I COULDN'T TALK ANYWAY, SO WHAT WAS THE USE? I TURNED AWAY MY CHILDREN, BUT THEY WOULDN'T LEAVE. FINALLY, ROBBY(JESSICA'S FUTURE HUSBAND) FORCED HIS WAY IN MY ROOM TELLING ME THAT HE HAD SOME VERY IMPORTANT NEWS FOR ME. IT WOULD MAKE ME FEEL BETTER, AND IT WAS TRULY IMPORTANT. I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO TELL ME THAT HE AND JESSICA WERE ENGAGED, SO I LET HIM IN. HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO ME AND TOOK MY HAND. HE LOOKED INTO MY EYES, AND THEN----- HE TOLD ME THEY WERE GOING TO BUILD A WALMART IN KEMAH! (A SMALL TOWN NEXT TO OURS). A WALMART SO CLOSE BY! HALLELUAH! AT THE TIME I HAD TO DRIVE ABOUT 11 MILES TO GO TO WALMART. WHOOPEE! HE COULD NOT HAVE TOLD ME ANYTHING ELSE TO MAKE ME SO HAPPY. FROM THERE, I BEGAN TO STOP BEING A PUSS, AND GET ON WITH MY LIFE. I WAS TOLD THAT I MAY NEVER TALK AGAIN. I DECIDED THAT I WOULD. I PRACTICED, AND ONE DAY SOON AFTER, I MADE A CROAKING NOISE! SOON, I WAS MAKING SOUND AND THEN WORDS. YOU COULD BARELY HEAR ME, BUT I WAS DOING IT! I HAD BEEN HOME ABOUT TWO WEEKS, AND HAD NOT LEFT THE HOUSE. I COULD NOT BEAR THE STARES AND QUESTIONS THAT I KNEW WOULD COME MY WAY. I REALLY FELT THAT LIFE WAS OVER FOR ME. THEN, A LITTLE MISSIONARY CAME TO SERVE THE AREA, A YOUNG LADY NAMED SISTER BLACKTHORN. SHE HAD CEREBAL PALSY, AND COULD BARELY SPEAK. IT WAS HARD FOR HER TO WALK, AND ONE SIDE OF HER BODY WAS VERY WEAK. BUT SHE WENT OUT EVERY DAY TO SPEAK OF THE LORD, WITH SUCH COURAGE AND DETERMINATION. I REALIZED THAT I HAD NO INFIRMITY, ACTUALLY, I WAS BEING CURED OF MINE, AND SHE HAD HERS FOR LIFE. I KNOW THAT HEAVENLY FATHER SENT HER TO ME TO MAKE ME REALIZE HOW GOOD I HAD IT. AND IT DID. FROM THAT TIME, I WAS DETERMINED THAT NOTHING WOULD STAND IN MY WAY. TOMORROW, I WILL TELL YOU MORE. LOVE, NANASEE

A WONDERFUL NEW CHAPTER IN MY LIFE

BEFORE I CONTINUE, I WANT TO SAY THAT THE OTHER CLASSES I WAS TAKING BEFORE BEING ACCEPTED INTO NURSING SCHOOL WERE MEMORABLE AS WELL. ONE THING IN PARTICULAR, WAS MY SPEECH CLASS. I HAD TO GIVE A SPEECH ON ANY SUBJECT, AND FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON I CHOSE TO DO A SPEECH ON FLATULANCE. I STARTED THE SPEECH WITH A SHORT FILM WITH "TOOT" NOISES IN THE BACKGROUND, ESPECIALLY A PREACHER THAT "TOOTED" EACH TIME HE SAID "PRAISE THE LORD, OR AMEN". THEN, I BEGAN MY SPEECH AND TALKED ABOUT THE EMBARRASSMENT OF "LETTING ONE GO", AND USED ALL THE TERMS THAT REFER TO "TOOTING" AS WELL AS A COUPLE OF SONGS THAT WE ALL KNOW FROM CHILDHOOD. I COULD BARELY FINISH MY SPEECH, AS THE CLASS WAS ROLLING ON THE FLOOR- AND THE INSTRUCTOR WAS HOWLING. I NEVER CRACKED A SMILE, AND BELIEVE ME, THAT WAS ONE OF THE HARDEST MOMENTS OF MY LIFE! I GOT AN "A" FOR THAT SPEECH AND AN INVITATION TO GIVE IT AGAIN AT A COMPETITION, BUT I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS APPROPRIATE, SO I DECLINED. I DID ENJOY THAT SPEECH, I HAD LOTS OF FUN GIVING IT. IT WAS ALSO IN THE SPRING OF THAT YEAR, MY FIRST SEMESTER THAT MY SON AARON LEFT FOR HIS MISSION FOR THE CHURCH. HE WAS TO BE GONE FOR TWO YEARS, AND I DIDN'T THINK I COULD STAND IT. BUT HE WAS SO HAPPY AND DETERMINED, I COULD DO NOTHING ELSE BUT SUPPORT HIM.
BUT NOW, I AM IN NURSING SCHOOL. IT IS WINTER, AND THE CLASS LOAD WAS TREMENDOUS. THERE WAS ANOTHER STUDENT, YOUNGER THAN ME, BUT STILL IN HER LATE THIRTIES THAT TEAMED UP WITH ME AND ANOTHER GIRL. THE THREE OF US WERE SO DETERMINED TO DO WELL, WE ALL HAD PLANS AND DREAMS OF WHEN WE GRADUATED. WE WORKED SO HARD, AND MADE TOP GRADES. THE FIRST SEMESTER OF NURSING SCHOOL IS TOTALLY ACADEMIC. YOU LEARN ALL THE TERMS, AND SO MUCH ELSE, LEARN NURSING MATH TO CALCULATE DOSAGED AND IV'S, OH GOSH, THERE IS SO MUCH. WE ALSO HAD TO LEARN THE CLASSES OF DRUGS, WHAT THEY DID, WHAT THEY INTERRACTED WITH AND HOW TO GIVE THEM. I HAD NO LIFE OUTSIDE OF NURSING SCHOOL- BUT MARTIN AND MY FAMILY HELPED AND SUPPORTED ME. I MISSED AARON, AND SPENT WHAT LITTLE TIME I HAD LEFT BAKING COOKIES AND TREATS TO SEND TO HIM AND DILIGENTLY WRITING HIM EVERY WEEK. DURING THIS TIME, WE (THE STUDENTS) PRACTICED ON EACH OTHER, HOW TO TAKE BLOOD PRESSURE, BANDAGE WOUNDS, GIVING "EXAMS" AND LOTS OF OTHER THINGS. OUR FIRST BIG TEST CAME AND EVERYONE WAS SO NERVOUS. THE CLASS HAD JUST ABOUT 100 STUDENTS, AND THE TESTING ROOM WAS FULL. BEFORE THE INSTRUCTORS CAME TO GIVE OUT THE TESTS, WE ALL SAT QUIETLY, THINKING ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF PASSING THIS TEST. IF YOU FAILED IT, YOU WERE OUT. SUDDENLY, I GOT AN IMPRESSION IN MY MIND, AND STOOD UP, FACING ALL THE STUDENTS. "EXCUSE ME, BUT I AM GOING TO PRAY AND IF ANY OF YOU WOULD LIKE TO JOIN ME, PLEASE FEEL FREE. IF THE REST OF YOU DON'T MIND, PLEASE ALLOW US TO JOIN IN PRAYER." TO MY SURPRISE, ALL OF THE STUDENTS RAISED THEIR HANDS TO INDICATE THAT THEY WOULD LIKE TO JOIN IN THE PRAYER. I PRAYED OUT LOUD FOR ALL OF US, THAT WE WOULD HAVE COMFORT, CONFIDENCE, AND THAT THE THINGS WE STUDIED FOR WOULD COME STRONGLY TO OUR MINDS. I SAID OTHER THINGS AS WELL, OFFERING GRATITUDE FOR THE OPPORTUNITY FOR US TO IMPROVE OUR LIVES THROUGH THIS EDUCATION. I FINALLY SAID, "AMEN" AND MANY OTHERS DID TOO. I FELT SUCH COMFORT AND FELT THAT WE WERE ONE IN OUR QUEST TO SUCCEED ON THIS TEST. I DON'T KNOW IF ANYONE FAILED, ALL OF THOSE IN MY CLASS PASSED. (THERE WERE 3 CLASSES REPRESENTED). I DO KNOW THAT FROM THEN ON, WE WERE ALL CLOSER TO EACH OTHER. AS WE CONTINUED LEARNING AND PRACTICING, I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT I WAS NOT FEELING LIKE I SHOULD. MY BLOOD PRESSURE WAS VERY HIGH, AND MY CHEST HURT WHEN I EXERTED MYSELF. I IGNORED IT, I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO HAVE ANY PROBLEMS. BEFORE I KNEW IT, THE ACADEMIC PART WAS OVER. NOW, WE BEGAN OUR ROTATIONS IN THE HOSPITALS, AND HAD ACADEMIC CLASSES AS WELL. IT WAS THE FIRST OF THE SUMMER, AND MY LIFE HAD BEEN RACING ALONG. I CHOSE TO DO MY FIRST ROTATION IN THE COUNTY HOSPITAL. IT WAS REALLY MISERABLE, BUT I WANTED TO DO SOMETHING THAT WOULD REALLY ALLOW ME TO LEARN. I STILL FELT WEAK, HAD THE CHEST PAINS AND FELT DIZZY ON OCCASION. I FINALLY HAD TO GO AND SEE WHAT WAS WRONG. I DID ALL THE TESTS, CAT SCAN, X-RAY, BLOOD TESTS. THE CHEST PAINS WERE CAUSED BY A PINCHED NERVE IN MY BREAST BONE DUE TO THE FACT THAT I HAD GOTTEN UP TOO SOON AFTER THE FIRST SURGERY, AND THE BONE HEALED UNEVENLY. THAT WAS GOOD NEWS, AND I WENT ON ABOUT MY BUSINESS. A FEW WEEKS AFTER STARTING AT THE HOSPITAL, I GOT A PHONE CALL AT THE HOSPITAL, AND IT WAS FROM MY DOCTOR. MY HEART STARTED RACING AS SOON AS I REALIZED WHO IT WAS, BECAUSE I KNEW THAT HE WOULD NOT CALL UNLESS SOMETHING WAS WRONG. I WAS TOLD THAT THERE WAS A LARGE TUMOR IN MY THROAT AGAIN. I NEEDED TO COME RIGHT IN AND TRY TO FIND OUT IF IT WAS MALIGNANT. I JUST SAT DOWN HARD ON THE FLOOR. NOT AGAIN!!! PLEASE, NOT AGAIN. IF I MISSED SCHOOL, THEY COULD EJECT ME FROM THE PROGRAM. I COULD NOT TAKE THE TIME TO GO AND FIGURE ALL THIS OUT, BUT I KNEW I HAD TO, BECAUSE THE TUMOR HAD GROWN SO QUICKLY. I DID TAKE THE TIME TO GO FOR THE TESTS, AND THEN, IT WAS FOUND THAT I ALSO HAD A VERY LARGE TUMOR IN MY ADRENAL GLAND. GREAT. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, NURSING SCHOOL MEANT SO VERY MUCH TO ME, I WANTED TO FINISH AND BECOME A NURSE. THE NEW DOCTOR I WAS SEEING WAS AN INTERNIST, AND HE DIDN'T SEEM TO BE TOO CONCERNED ABOUT THE TUMORS, SO I TRIED TO PUT IT ASIDE. BUT, AS IN MANY INSTANCES, LIFE HAS A WAY OF DOING THINGS FOR YOU. DURING THE FIRST DAY OF MY SECOND ROTATION AT ANOTHER HOSPITAL, I PASSED OUT ON THE STAIRS AND FELL. WHEN I CAME TO, THEY DECIDED TO ADMIT ME. MORE TESTS, DAY AFTER DAY, FOR 5 DAYS. MY INSTRUCTOR TOLD ME THAT I COULD NOT CONTINUE IN THE NURSING PROGRAM UNTIL I FOUND OUT WHAT WAS WRONG AND FIXED IT. I WAS DEVASTATED. MARTIN TOOK ME HOME AND I CRIED AND CRIED. SUDDENLY I GOT VERY ANGRY. I CALLED THE INTERNIST AND DEMANDED THAT HE SEE ME RIGHT AWAY. HE AGREED TO, AND I WENT IN AND TOLD HIM THAT IT WAS HIS JOB TO FIX ME AND WHY COULDN'T HE? HE SAID HE WAS DOING ALL HE COULD, BUT ADRENAL AND THYROID PROBLEMS WERE VERY HARD TO DIAGNOSE. I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE THAT I HAD A THYROID PROBLEM! HE SAID HE WOULD DO WHAT HE COULD, BUT WITHIN THE WEEK I HAD PASSED OUT AGAIN AND WAS HAVING CHEST PAIN. I WAS ADMITTED AGAIN. MORE TESTS. MORE AGGRAVATION. FINALLY, HE CAME IN AND TOLD ME HIS HANDS WERE TIED, I WAS MORE TROUBLE THAN HE COULD HELP, AND I NEEDED TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE. I SCREAMED AT HIM, "NO SIR! DON'T YOU DARE GIVE UP ON ME! I HAVE A LIFE, YOU HAVE TO HELP ME!" MARTIN TOOK HIM TO THE SIDE, AND QUIETLY ASKED HIM "IF THIS WAS YOUR WIFE, WHERE WOULD YOU GO?" HE TOLD MARTIN THAT HE WOULD SEND HER TO M.D.ANDERSON CANCER HOSPITAL. MAYBE I COULD FIND HELP THERE. DURING ALL THIS TIME, BOBBIE JO WAS PREGNANT. HER DUE DATE WAS APPROACHING QUICKLY. I WAS GOING TO BE A NANA, AND COULD NOT WAIT. I COULDN'T LET THE PROBLEMS I WAS HAVING AFFECT THIS WONDERFUL EVENT. ON AUGUST 19,1998, MY PRECIOUS JARED OWEN EDWARD HATCHER ENTERED THE WORLD. MY JAYBIRD. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT I COULD HAVE SO MUCH JOY. BUT THEN I HAD TO TURN BACK TO MY DIFFICULTIES, AND TOMORROW, I WILL TELL YOU MORE ABOUT THAT! LOVE, NANASEE