JIMINEY CRICKET

WHEN BOBBIE JO FIRST GOT SICK, I DECIDED THAT THERE WAS NO ROOM FOR PROFANITY IN MY LIFE ANYMORE. AFTER THINKING ABOUT HOW I WAS GOING TO STOP SWEARING, (YES, I WAS A REGULAR CUSS BUCKET!) I DECIDED WHEN THE URGE HIT ME, I WOULD SAY "JIMENEY CRICKET" INSTEAD OF MY USUAL LIST OF NAUGHTY WORDS. THIS HAS WORKED OUT NICELY, AND I EVEN FOUND THAT I DIDN'T NEED TO SAY JIMENY CRICKET VERY MUCH AT ALL. OKAY, JIMENY CRICKET! TODAY WAS SO FRUSTRATIING! WHEN I WENT TO THE HOSPICE THIS MORNING, THANKS TO THE RIDE GIVEN BY TANYA MCCUTCHEON (WHO BY THE WAY IS A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF SOMEONE WHO IS CARING AND LOVING) DAD MARTIN TOLD ME BOBBIE JO HAD BEEN UP ALL NIGHT CRYING AND HALLUCINATING. SHE WAS ASLEEP WHEN I GOT THERE, SO I THOUGHT MAYBE SHE WAS GOING INTO A FINAL SLEEP. I FELT FEAR AND ANXIETY, BUT ALSO A SENSE OF PERHAPS RELIEF THAT SHE WOULD NOT HAVE TO SUFFER ANY LONGER. AROUND 10:00AM I CHECKED HER AND FOUND THAT HER BED WAS TOTALLY SOAKED- AND THERE SHE WAS JUST LAYING IN THE WETNESS. I JUMPED UP AND TOLD DAD MARTIN TO HELP ME AS I HAD TO CHANGE HER. IT TOOK FOREVER, BUT WE GOT HER WASHED, DRYED, A FRESH NIGHTGOWN AND A CLEAN BED. WE TUCKED HER BACK IN, AND SHE SETTLED DOWN AGAIN, ERRATIC BREATHING AND ALL. AROUND NOON, I CHECKED HER AGAIN AND , JIMENY CRICKET, SHE WAS SOAKED AGAIN! THIS TIME THOUGH, SHE WANTED TO GET UP WHILE WE CLEANED HER AND THE BED. SHE IS SO WEAK, I WAS AFRAID THAT SHE WAS TOO WEAK, BUT DAD GOT HER TO THE BEDSIDE COMMODE WHILE WE ONCE AGAIN CLEANED HER AND CHANGED THE BED. NOW, THE NURSES WOULD BE HAPPY TO DO THIS FOR US, BUT WITH HER PERIANAL BURN, I KEEP HER CLEAN AS SOON AS SOMETHING HAPPENS, BESIDES, SHE FEELS BETTER WHEN I DO IT. WHILE SHE WAS ON THE BEDSIDE COMMODE SHE REACHED OVER TO THE OXYGEN MACHINE AND TOOK THE WATER CANNISTER OFF. THIS CANNISTER BUBBLES AIR THROUGH IT, AND I CAN ONLY ASSUME IT IS A FILTER OF SOME SORT. I TOOK THE CANNISTER AWAY FROM HER, MADE SURE IT WAS FULL OF WATER AND PLACED IT BACK ON THE MACHINE. OKAY, BACK TO BED. AFTER A WHILE, SHE STARTS GASPING FOR AIR. I CHECKED HER OXYGEN STATS, AND SHE IS DOWN IN THE LOWER 50%! "OH, NO, THIS IS IT!" I THINK. THEY TOLD ME TO WATCH FOR HER OXYGEN STATS TO FALL. I WAKE DAD MARTIN UP, (HE WAS THERE ALL NIGHT AND WAS TAKING A NAP) AND TELL HIM THAT I THINK SHE IS FAILING. ABOUT THAT TIME, BMARTIN COMES IN AND SITS NEXT TO HER. I SHOW HIM THE OXYGEN STATS, AND HE JUST SHAKES HIS HEAD, A KNOWING LOOK IN HIS EYES. AFTER ABOUT TEN MINUTES, HE LOOKS OVER AT THE OXYGEN MACHINE AND SAYS, "WHERE IS THE OXYGEN HOSE?" I ASKED WHAT HE MEANT, AND HE SAID THE HOSE FROM THE CANNISTER TO THE MACHINE WAS MISSING! SURE ENOUGH, IT HAD FALLEN UNDER THE BED WHEN BOBBIE JO TOOK THE CANNISTER OFF! WE RECONNECTED IT, AND HER OXYGEN CAME RIGHT UP-STILL LOWER THAN IT SHOULD BE, BUT MUCH BETTER. BOY THAT EVENT SCARED THE JIMENY CRICKET OUT OF ME! SHE IS VERY WEAK, AND IS HAVING A VERY HARD TIME STAYING LUCID, I DO SEE THAT SHE IS FAILING, BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHEN MY DARLING WILL PASS. I AM LOOKING AT AN UNENDING NIGHTMARE IT SEEMS- ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. OH BY THE WAY, I HAVE CAUGHT A COLD. JIMENY CRICKET! THAT IS THE VERY LAST THING I NEED! I FEEL MISERABLE, BUT HAVE TO GO ON FOR BOBBIE JO, I CANNOT LEAVE HER NOW, WHEN SHE COULD LEAVE ME AT ANY TIME. ON THE WAY HOME TODAY, (BMARTIN TOLD ME TO GO HOME AND GET SOME REST) I DECIDED THAT SOME RED BEANS AND RICE FROM POPEYES CHICKEN SOUNDED SO GOOD. SO, I ASKED DAD MARTIN TO STOP AND GET SOME. HE SAID SURE, AND WHILE HE WAS IN THE RESTAURANT GETTING THE ORDER, MY MOUTH WAS WATERING THINKING OF THE RED BEANS, RICE AND HOT BISCUIT I WAS GOING TO HAVE. BOY THOSE BISCUITS ARE FABULOUS, ALL HOT AND BUTTERY, AND A BIT CRISPY ON THE TOP AND SIDES. DIP THEM IN THE RED BEANS AND RICE- OH HEAVENLY! WELL OUT COMES MY DUMPLING AND HANDS ME THE BAG. JIMENY CRICKET- NO BISCUIT! I SWING MY HEAD IN HIS DIRECTION, AND HE SAID, "UH, WHAT DID I DO?" DO?, DO? WHAT DID YOU DIDN'T!" "DO YOU SEE A BISCUIT IN HERE?" I ASK, HOLDING THE BAG OPEN. "A BISCUIT?" HE ASKED ME INNOCENTLY- "DID YOU ASK FOR A BISCUIT?" WELL, JIMENY CRICKET, DO I HAVE TO ASK FOR ONE? DOESN'T IT GO WITHOUT SAYING THAT YOU HAVE TO HAVE A BISCUIT WHEN YOU GO TO POPEYES? APPARANTLY NOT, AND GUESS WHAT, MARTIN CANNOT READ MY MIND! SO, NO BISCUIT, ALTHOUGH HE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE GOTTEN ONE IF I ASKED HIM TOO. SO, NOW I AM HOME, A TUMMY FULL OF RED BEANS AND RICE, (BUT NO BISCUIT) AND SNIFFLING AWAY. I SHOULD GO BACK TO THE HOSPICE TONIGHT, I AM NOT SURE IF I CAN, BUT AGAIN, I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE BOBBIE JO AT SUCH A CRITICAL TIME. MAYBE A NAP WILL MAKE UP MY MIND. MAYBE THEN, I WON'T BE IN SUCE A JIMENY CRICKET MOOD! LOVE, NANA

ANOTHER MONDAY

WELL, AS I SAID YESTERDAY, I AM SURE HAPPY TO SAY "ANOTHER MONDAY". I WAS AWAKE ALL LAST NIGHT WAITING FOR THE PHONE TO RING WITH NEWS OF BOBBIE JO. EVERY TIME THE PHONE RINGS, (MINE, HOUSE, MARTIN'S) I JUMP OUT OF MY SKIN. I LOOK AT THE NAME OF THE PERSON CALLING AND IF IT IS BMARTIN OR DAD, I GET SICK TO MY STOMACH. I ANSWER TENTATIVELY, AFRAID OF THE NEWS. EVERY TIME THOUGHT IT IS, "SAY WHEN YOU COME, BRING ME A ------, OR WHERE IS THE -------, OR DO YOU HAVE THE -------?" ALRIGHT ALREADY, MY HEART CAN ONLY STAND SO MUCH! INDEED, I AM A NERVOUS WRECK! I CAN'T STAND NOT KNOWING WHEN BOBBIE JO WILL LEAVE US- I SHOULD BE BEGGING FOR MORE TIME, BUT I CAN'T BEAR WATCHING HER JUST LIE THERE AND, OF COURSE, BEING SO POSITIVE. I KNOW THAT ONE DAY, HEAVENLY FATHER WILL SLAP MY NOSE FOR HANDLING THIS SO BADLY! SO, DAD MARTIN LEFT WITHOUT ME THIS MORNING, AND I HAD TO GET A RIDE TO HOSPICE LATER. I WAS ALREADY EXHAUSTED FROM BEING AWAKE ALL NIGHT, AND NOW I HAVE TO GO IN AND WAIT FOR SOMETHING TO HAPPEN. AFTER I GOT THERE, DAD MARTIN WENT TO GET SOMETHING TO EAT, AND BMARTIN CAME IN FROM WORK. SO NOW, IT IS JUST BMARTIN AND I, SITTING A WATCHING BOBBIE JO. AFTER A LONG WHILE, I GURSS SHE WAS ASLEEP, SHE OPENED HER GOOD EY AND WHISPERED, "MAMA, CAN YOU SING THAT SONG ABOUT THE LADY THAT SWALLOWED THE FLY"? SO, I BEGAN TO SING AS BEST I COULD WITH THE VOICE I HAVE. I QUIETLY SANG ALL SEVEN VERSES, AND SHE FELL BACK ASLEEP WHILE I WAS SINGING-(PROBABLY A MERCY FOR HER!) THEN I STARTED A LONG RENDITION OF ANOHTER SONG SHE LIKED AS A CHILD, AND THAT ONE HAS 11 VERSES. SHE LOOKED SO PEACEFUL, AND MARTIN AND I REALIZED SHE WAS IN A DEEP SLEEP. WE BEGAN TO WATCH HER BREATH, AND ALSO REALIZED THAT SHE WAS REALLY TAKING A LONG TIME BETWEEN BREATHS. WE BECAME SLIGHTLY ALARMED, AND BEGAN COUNTING SECONDS BETWEEN BREATHS, SOME OF THEM AS MUCH AS 10 SECONDS BETWEEN INSPIRATIONS. WITH CONCERNED AND PANICKED LOOKS BETWEEN US, THE COMBINED THOUGT WAS, "OH NO, COULD THIS BE IT?" AFTER A BIT, WITH BOTH OF US WATCHING EVERY BREATH, HARDLY DARING TO BREATH OURSELVES, IT HAPPENED- SHE STOPPED BREATHING, HER HEAD DROOPED TO HER CHEST AND HER MOUTH FELL SLACK. WE JUMPED UP PRACTICALLY CRACKING OUR HEADS TOGETHER TO GET A BETTER LOOK AT HER, AND SUDDENLY SHE TOOK A BIG BREATH, OPENED HER GOOD EYE AND SHISPERED, "BOY, I'M THIRSTY!" BMARTIN AND I FELT LIKE A PAIR OF IDIOTS, AND THEN WE HAD IDIOTIC GRINS AND BEGAN SCRAMBLING AROUND TO GRAB A CUP OF SOMETHING. SHE WAS LIKE, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU GUYS?" WE JUST STARTED LAUGHING, WE WERE SO RELIEVED. BUT SERIOUSLY, HER SYMPTOMS GROW MORE AND MORE TO HER END. SHE IS BREATHING UNEVENLY, HER TEMP GOES UP AND DOWN, BUT ALWAYS AT FEVER LEVEL, AND HER OXYGEN STATS GO UP AND DOWN, SOMETIMES CRITICALLY. WE JUST HAVE TO WAIT. IT IS SO HARD. I FEEL MY WORDS ARE INADEQUATE IN DESCRIPTION OF WHAT SHE IS GOING THROUGH, I COULD NEVER FULLY TELL YOU ALL OF IT. THERE IS SO MUCH MORE, AND AS THE DAYS CONTINUE, EVEN AFTER SHE HAS PASSED OVER, I WILL DO MY BEST TO WRITE AS I REMEMBER. I AM HOME TONIGHT, ALONE EXCEPT FOR LUCKY AND BUSTER. THEY ARE MY SWEET COMPANIONS, NEVER EXPECTING ANYTHING AND ALWAYS OFFERING COMFORT AND LOVE. I WALKED INTO THE HOUSE THE OTHER DAY, (MOST OF YOU KNOW IT IS STILL UNCOMPLETED AFTER HURRICANE IKE) AND ENTERED THE ROOM THAT I WAS GOING TO DECORATE FOR BOBBIE JO. THEN, IT WAS A BLANK CANVAS, WAITING FOR MY TOUCH TO BRING IT TO LIFE AS THE PLACE WHERE BOBBIE JO WOULD GET WELL. NOW, IT IS JUST A CREVASS, EMPTY AND LIFELESS, AND MOCKING ME. THE EEYORE BED SET I SENT HOME TO MY SWEET GRANDDAUGHTERS. THE WALLS ARE STILL WHITE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT COLOR TO PAINT THEM. THERE IS A TRELLIS OUTSIDE OF THE THE WINDOW THAT NOW HAS WILTED FLOWERS FROM LAST YEAR, BUT I WAS GOING TO PLANT NEW ONES THAT SHE COULD LOOK OUT ON EACH DAY. I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THAT NOW, OR EVEN WHICH KIND TO PLANT. ASHLEY WAS GOING TO HELP ME PAINT A RAINBOW ON THE WALL WITH A SAYING UNDERNEATH THAT SAID," AFTER THE RAIN COMES THE RAINBOW." IT IS STILL RAINING. THE ROOM WILL HAVE TO BE A GUEST ROOM- I ALWAYS WANTED A GUEST ROOM, BUT NOT AT THIS COST. SO MUCH WILL BE DIFFERENT. I ENVY THOSE TO WHOM BOBBIE JO IS GOING. THEY WILL HAVE SO MUCH JOY HAVING HER THERE WITH THEM. SHE WILL BE SO WONDERFUL TO BABY MATTHEW, MY PRECIOUS GRANDSON WHO WAS SENT HOME AS A STILLBORN INFANT. SHE AND GRANNY LOLA WILL BE MAKING HEAVENLY PIES, (AND I AM NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT THE TASTE EITHER)- AND OTTO WILL ONCE AGAIN GET THE CHANCE TO PLAY PRANKS ON HER. LIFE DOES GO ON, IT IS ETERNAL THANKS TO THE SACRIFICE OF THE ATONEMENT GIVEN BY OUR BROTHER JESUS CHRIST. DEATH WILL HAVE NO STING FOR US, BUT WE WILL WISH WE STILL HAD BOBBIE JO HERE. LOVE, NANASEE

STILL HANGING ON

TODAY,IT IS SUNDAY AGAIN. HOW WONDERFUL TO SAY "SUNDAY AGAIN" AS A COUPLE OF SUNDAYS AGO, I WAS NOT SURE HOW MANY MORE I WOULD HAVE WITH MY GIRL. SHE IS CLINGING TO LIFE- WITH A DETERMINATION THAT I COULD NEVER HAVE GUESSED SHE WAS ABLE TO. SHE HAS ALL THE SYMPTOMS OF EXTREME END STAGE DISEASE, AND I AM AFRAID NOT TO BE WITH HER. I HAVE COME HOME TONIGHT, I AM TIRED, AND THE MARTINS ARE WITH HER. SHE HELD MY HAND WITH TEMERITY, AND WE HAD A TALK. RATHER, SHE TALKED AND I LISTENED. IT IS VERY HARD TO UNDERSTAND HER NOW, SO I LEANED IN CLOSE, OUR HANDS ENTWINED AND SHE SAID" MAMA, YOU MUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. I NEED YOU MAMA, I CANNOT FIGHT THIS WITHOUT YOU. I HAVE DADDY TOO, BUT IT IS NOT THE SAME. I NEED MY MOM. I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED YOU AND ALWAYS WILL. WE WILL SEE THE OUTCOME OF THIS TOGETHER. I WILL WALK OUT OF HERE, YOU WILL SEE. I AM NOT WORRIED THAT YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE HERE FOR ME. YOU ALWAYS HAVE." SHE THEN TOLD ME OVER AND OVER THAT SHE LOVED ME. I WAS CALM, I DID NOT CRY, I HAD AN INNER PEACE THAT COULD ONLY HAVE BEEN HEAVEN SENT. I FELT A SENSE OF POWER, A SENSE OF DETERMINATION, AND FEELINGS OF BEING STRONG. I TOLD HER THAT I WOULD INDEED ALWAYS BE HERE FOR HER, WHY WOULD I STOP NOW? AND THEN, WE INTWINED OUR PINKY FINGERS AND "PINKY SWORE" THAT WE WOULD EVERYTHING WE COULD TO STAY CLOSE FOR NOW AND FOREVER. I RECEIVED A POWERFUL INSPIRATION WHEN SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT WALKING OUT OF THE HOSPICE, INDEED, I COULD SEE HER SPIRIT WALKING HAND IN HAND WITH OTTO, MY DECEASED SON, WITH GREAT JOY. SHE WILL WALK OUT, HER BODY WILL NOT. LIFE IS ETERNAL, FAMILIES ARE ETERNAL, THE LOVE OF OUR HEAVENLY FATHER AND JESUS IS ETERNAL. WE DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE SPECK OF TIME THAT WE ARE GIVEN ON THIS EARTH. WE CLING TO LIFE, LIVE IT TO THE FULLEST, NOT REALIZING THE IMPORTANCE OF PREPARING OURSELVES FOR THE GRAND SCALE WHICH IS ETERNITY. WE AS MAMAS DO ALL WE CAN TO PREPARE OUR CHILDREN TO LEARN FOR THEMSELVES, AND THEN THEY CONTINUE. I AM PROUD OF THE CONFIDENCE THAT BOBBIE JO LEARNED UNDER MY TUTELAGE, PERHAPS SHE DID NOT MAKE PERFECT CHOICES, BUT SHE DID MAKE ALL OF HER CHOICES KNOWING SHE WAS FREE TO DO SO. THAT CONFIDENCE WILL SERVE HER NOW-AS SHE STARTS THE NEXT STAGE OF HER ETERNAL JOURNEY. I AM GRATEFUL TO HAVE BEEN TRUSTED WITH HER. I HOPE I DID A GOOD JOB! TILL TOMORROW, LOVE, NANASEE

DETERMINATION

BOBBIE JO IS DETERMINED TO GET WELL. SHE HAS NO IDEA THAT HER BODY HAS BETRAYED HER. TONIGHT, AS I WATCHED MARTIN DRESS HER BULGING EYE AND BLACKENED FACE, SHE LOOKED AT ME AND SAID, "SEE MOM, I AM GETTING BETTER!" INDEED YOU WOULD THINK SHE IS- SHE WAS CHATTING AND WE WERE ENJOYING EACH OTHER 'S COMPANY. OVER AND OVER SHE REASSURED ME THAT SHE WAS IMPROVING- ALL THE WHILE, HER HEART RACING AT 130 BEATS PER MINUTE AND RUNNING A FEVER OF 101.9. THESE ARE SIGNS OF A MAJOR INFECTION, AND WE WERE WARNED THAT AN INFECTION WOULD TAKE HER LIFE. TO HER, THESE THINGS MEAN NOTHING, SHE IS GOING TO GET WELL NO MATTER WHAT. SHE IS BLIND IN HER DAMAGED EYE, BUT SHE ASSURES ME THAT IT IS JUST "A LITTLE BLURRY" AND THE MEDICINE WE ARE USING IS CAUSING THAT. WHEN MARTIN CHANGED THE BANDAGE ON HER FACE, MY KNEES ALMOST BUCKLED, AND I DREW ON SOME SOURCE OF STRENGTH TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE. MY HEAD WAS SWIMMING AS WELL, BUT AGAIN SOMEHOW I GOT THAT UNDER CONTROL- I FEEL SUCH A SENSE OF HORROR THAT SHE IS GOING THROUGH THIS, AND SHE JUST GOES ON TELLING ME "EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT." I KNOW HER TIME IS SHORT, I WANT TO SPEND AS MUCH TIME AS I CAN WITH HER. I AM A COWARD HOWEVER, I AM IN CONSTANT FEAR THAT I WILL BE THE ONE THERE WITH HER WHEN SHE DRAWS HER LAST BREATH. I WANT TO TELL HER TO GO ON HOME, BUT THAT WOULD ONLY MAKE HER ANGRY. SHE HAD A GREAT VISIT WITH JAYBIRD TODAY, I AM SO GLAD. SHE SAID THEY REALLY HAD A GOOD TIME. SHE TALKS OF THE TIME SHE WILL GET OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND GO TO HIS BASEBALL GAMES. SHE IS LOOKING TO THE FUTURE. THIS IS THE HARDEST PART FOR ME. TRYING TO BE ENCOURAGING TO HER, ALL THE WHILE I FEEL THAT I AM LYING TO HER. SHAME ON ME, I SHOULD JUST BE A CHEERLEADER AND QUIT BEING AN EEYORE. TILL TOMORROW, LOVE, NANASEE

SERENITY

I ARRIVED AT THE HOSPICE TODAY AT 5:30 AM. I WALKED TO ROOM 506, OPENED THE DOOR, AND THERE SLEPT A QUIET AND COMFORTED BOBBIE JO. HER MARTIN WAS THERE, PROPPED UP IN A CHAIR, HOLDING HER HAND AND SOUND ASLEEP. IT TORE AT MY HEART TO SEE HIM LIKE THAT- HE IS TAKING EVERY SECOND HE CAN WITH HER. HE WOKE UP AND HAD TO GO TO WORK, SO I TOLD HIM NOT TO WORRY, I WOULD BE THERE WITH HER. DAD WAS WITH ME, SO I TOOK A MOMENT TO REST MY EYES ON THE EMPTY BED, AND WOKE AN HOUR LATER TO DAD TELLING ME HE HAD TO GO TO WORK. I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD FALLEN ASLEEP. THE ROOM IS LIKE A LOVELY BEDROOM. THERE IS A WINDOW THAT LOOKS OUT ONTO A GREEN YARD WITH FLOWERS AND A TREE. THE GRASS IS SO GREEN AND THERE IS A LITTLE WINDCHIME. THE WINDOW IS LARGE AND IT SEEMED LIKE SPRING TODAY, SO I OPENED THE WINDOW AND LET THE BREEZE COME IN. I THOUGHT "HOW CAN ANYTHING BE WRONG ON A DAY LIKE TODAY?" BUT THERE IS PLENTY WRONG, AND I CAME BACK TO REALITY. THE STAFF IS SO KIND. EACH MEMBER OF THE HOSPICE TEAM CAME BY TO MEET US AND EXPLAIN THE ROLE OF HOSPICE. THEY TOOK LOTS OF TIME AND I AM VERY CONFIDENT THAT BOBBIE JO IS IN THE BEST POSSIBLE HANDS. DID I TELL YOU THAT THE OTHER DAY, I WAS IN THE TRUCK, CRYING MY EYES OUT, AND ASKING FATHER TO TAKE HER HOME? WHEN I THOUGHT OF HER POOR RAVAGED FACE, HER ENORMOUS SWOLLEN BODY, AND THE OTHER THINGS SHE IS GOING THROUGH, I JUST BROKE DOWN AND WEPT WITH ABANDON. SUDDENLY, A THOUGHT STRONGLY OCCURRED TO ME- THE THOUGHT WAS, "YOU DON'T KNOW HOW OR IF SHE IS SUFFERING. YOU ARE CERTAINLY SUFFERING MORE THAN SHE, AS YOU HAVE BUILT UP HER MISERY IN YOUR MIND. SHE IS HOPEFUL OF A CURE- YOU ARE DETERMINED THAT SHE IS GONE ALREADY. SHE WILL COME HOME TO ME, BUT IN MY OWN TIME. YOU THINK SHE IS IN GREAT PAIN, BUT SHE SAYS SHE IS NOT- WHY DON'T YOU BELIEVE HER? CAN I NOT GIVE HER THE GIFT OF A VERY LIMITED PAIN EXPERIENCE? YOU SHOULD CONCENTRATE ON PRAYING FOR HER TO HAVE COURAGE. DON'T LET YOUR MIND TAKE YOU TO PLACES THAT DON'T EXIST. I AM WITH HER." AND SO, WITH THIS GENTLE CHASTISEMENT IN MIND, I CAN MORE EASILY CONTINUE TO WALK WITH HER THROUGH THIS EXPERIENCE. WE HAVE A DEEP BOND. WE DON'T NEED TO SPEAK, JUST TO BE. I SIT AND HOLD HER HAND WHILE SHE IS SLEEPING, OR TRYING TO WAKE UP. WE HAVE BONDED INTO SPIRITS THAT WILL ETERNALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT WE ARE MADE OF. I HAVE LEARNED FROM HER. I DID NOT KNOW THAT SHE COULD DO THIS WITHOUT WALLOWING IN SELF PITY. THE LOVE THAT HER MARTIN BESTOWS UPON HER IS THE CATALYST THAT KEEPS HER STRONG. THE THREE OF US, MARTIN, BOBBIE JO AND ME SEEM TO BE ONE IN THE FIGHT. WHAT AN HONOR IT IS TO BE TRUSTED WITH SUCH A TRIAL. I HAVE GROWN EXPONENTIALLY THESE LAST TWO MONTHS, I AM YET AGAIN A DIFFERENT WOMAN THAN I WAS. I WILL USE THIS HARD EARNED KNOWLEGE TO SERVE FATHER IN HEAVEN. I WILL RELY ON THIS STRENGTH WHEN I HAVE TO LAY MY CHILD IN THE GROUND. SHE WILL EXPECT NO LESS OF ME. LOVE, NANASEE

A VERY LONG DAY

YES, TODAY WAS INCREDIBLY LONG. FIRST OF ALL, I WENT TO ANDERSON EARLY THIS MORNING- TO FIND BOBBIE JO AWAKE AND WAITING FOR ME. MARTIN WAS THERE BUT SHE WANTED ME, SO I AM REALLY GLAD THAT I WENT. THEN, AFTER WEEKS OF EFFORT, I WAS ABLE TO GET THE FINAL DOCUMENT TO MAKE SURE THAT BOBBIE JO'S MEDICAL BILLS WOULD BE COVERED AT MD ANDERSON. I RAN DOWN THE CASE MANAGER, AND THOUGHT HE WOULD BE T ICKLED THAT I HAD FOUND EVERYTHING REQUIRED. TO BE EXACT, I HAD TO GET SOCIAL SECURITY RECORDS, BANK RECORDS, BIRTH CERTIFICATE, PROOF OF ADDRESS, PROOF THAT JARED WAS HER SON, PROOF THAT HE LIVED WITH HER, PROOF OF UNEMPLOYMENT, PROOF OF EMPLOYMENT AND PROOF THAT SHE WAS DIVORCED AND RECEIVED CHILD SUPPORT! ANYWAY, INSTEAD OF SEEING A TICKLED CASE MANAGER, HE JUST SAID TO ME, "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO W ITH IT? YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT TO THE BUSINESS OFFICE." HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO RIP SOMEONES HEAD OFF, KICK IT DOWN THE HALL, YELL AT SOMEONE TO KICK IT BACK AND STASH IT IN THE TOILET? I WAS JUST WONDERING IF I WERE THE ONLY ONE WHO FELT LIKE THAT ON OCCASION. ANYWAY, OFF I TREKKED TO THE BUSINESS OFFICE. NOW, PERHAPS YOU REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I HAD TO WALK ALL THE WAY OVER THERE. IF YOU DON'T , LET ME TELL YOU IT IS THE FARTHEST POSSIBLE LOCATION FROM WHERE BOBBIE JO'S ROOM IS. I FINALLY MADE IT OVER THERE, AND IT TOOK ALL OF 5 SECONDS FOR THE WOMAN TO TAKE THE ENVELOPE AND THANK ME FOR IT. I GUESS I WANTED SOMEONE TO PAT MY HEAD AND SAY, "GOOD GIRL" OR SOMETHING! OK, NOW BACK THROUGH THE HOSPITAL. WHOA NELLY, THERE IS THE GIFT SHOP! JUST AS I GET IN, READY TO ENJOY A FEW MOMENTS OF JOY, MOTHER NATURE TOOK OVER AND I HAD TO RUN FOR THE BATHROOM. NOW, DO YOU THINK THERE IS A HANDY POTTY? OF COURSE NOT, SO NOW I AM WALKING LIKE A PENGUIN, LOOKING DESPERATELY FOR A PLACE OF RELIEF. I ASKED AN EMPLOYEE, AND THEY POINTED OUT AN EMERGENCY DOOR. (HOW APPROPRIATE). I WAS TOLD IF I WENT DOWN THE HALL, TOOK A LEFT AND ANOTHER LEFT AND THEN ANOTHER LEFT I WOULD FIND A BATHROOM BEHIND THE EMERGENCY DOOR. COME ON Y'ALL, I HAD TO GO! SO I WAITED UNTIL THE EMPLOYEE WAS OUT OF SITE, DANCING FROM FOOT TO FOOT, AND WENT THROUGH THE DOOR. I FIGURED IF THE ALARM WENT OFF, I WOULD BE SAFELY IN THE BATHROOM AND NOT FOUND OUT. TO MY SURPRISE, THERE WAS NO ALARM, I JUST WALKED ON THROUGH. THERE, A FEW FEET AWAY, WAS THE SIGN FOR THE BATHROOM. NOW, WHY DID SHE TELL ME TO TAKE A GRAND CANYON WALK TO GET TO THE POT? WHO KNOWS- ANYWAY, I GRATEFULLY OPENED THE DOOR, AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THAT WAS THE SMALLEST BATHROOM I HAVE EVER SEEN. NO KIDDING, I WAS SCARED TO SIT IN CASE I GOT STUCK! IMAGINE THIS, ONCE YOU SQUEEZED IN, THE WIDTH OF THE BATHROOM WAS BARELY WIDER THAN THE SINK. THE TOILET WAS SO CLOSE TO THE SINK, YOU COULD HAVE WASHED YOUR HANDS WHILE SITTING. AND THE TOILET PAPER- WELL I COULD DESCRIBE IT AS "JOHN WAYNE TOILET PAPER"- IT WAS ROUGH AND TOUGH AND DIDN'T TAKE CRAP OFF OF ANYONE! BUT, I HAD TO GO, SO I TOOK MY CHANCES. I SQUEEZED IN SIDEWAYS, CRACKED MY ELBOW ON THE WALL TRYING TO GET MY PANTS DOWN AND SCRAPED MY HINEY ON THE TOILET PAPER HOLDER. MIND YOU, I DIDN'T STAY LONG, AND JUST ABOUT THE TIME I WAS READY TO GET OUT, I HEARD SOMEONE SAY, "DID SOMEONE COME THROUGH THE EMERGENCY DOOR?" SO, NOW I HAVE TO WAIT IN THAT PORCELAIN COFFIN TILL THE COAST WAS CLEAR. BY NOW, ALL THOUGHTS OF SHOPPING ARE OUT OF MY HEAD. I AMBLED BACK TO THE ROOM, AND SAT DOWN TO WAIT FOR THE TRANSPORT FOR BOBBIE JO. IT CAME AT TWO O'CLOCK. SUDDENLY I REALIZED THAT THIS WAS IT. THE TERRIBLE MOMENT I HAD DREADED SINCE THE MOMENT THAT BOBBIE JO WAS DIAGNOSED. THERE WAS NOTHING MORE TO BE DONE FOR HER.THEY LOADED HER UP, AND OUT THE DOOR SHE WENT. I JUST ALMOST COLLAPSED. BOBBIE JO WAS ASKING FOR ME, SO I HAD TO PULL IT TOGETHER. I WALKED OUT INTO THE HALL, AND THE NURSES ARE CRYING, NOW THEY WANT TO HUG ME, AND ONE EVEN SAID, "COME BACK AND SEE US!" WEL, NO OFFENSE, I WOULD RATHER NOT! I COULD NOT WALK. I STEPPED BACK INTO THE ROOM TO GET A GRIP, AND MARTIN TOLD ME IT WOULD BE OKAY, WE HAD TO GO. I ALMOST TOLD HIM TO KNOCK THE CRAP OUT OF ME SO THAT I WOULD HAVE SOMETHING ELSE TO THINK ABOUT! I WALKED ALONG BEHIND THE STRETCHER, AND FOR ONCE IN MY L IFE, I COULD NOT LOOK ANYONE IN THE FACE- I JUST COULDN'T. ALL I COULD DO WAS SOB SILENTLY INTO THE WASHCLOTH I HAD TAKEN FROM THE ROOM. BY THE TIME I GOT TO THE LOADING RAMP, THE WASHCLOTH WAS SOAKED THROUGH. I GOT INTO THE BACK OF THE AMBULANCE TO RIDE WITH BOBBIE JO. IT WASN'T UNTIL I WAS IN THE BACK THAT I REMEMBERED THAT I GET CAR SICK IF I SIT RIDING BACKWARDS. SURE ENOUGH, IT DIDN'T TAKE LONG. I ASKED FOR A BARF BAG, AND THE MEDIC GOT A PANICKED LOOK WHILE TOSSING A BAG TO ME. FORTUNATELY, BY CLOSING MY EYES AND BREATHING DEEP, I MADE IT TO THE HOSPICE WITHOUT INCIDENCE. NOW, MY BOBBIE JO IS IN THE HOSPICE, WITH WONDERFUL STAFF AND ABSOLUTELY NO MEDICATION EXCEPT FOR PAIN CONTROL. HOW LONG WILL SHE HAVE? HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO HAVE HER? SHE IS SO BRAVE, SO BRAVE. SHE DOESN'T COMPLAIN, AND SHE TOLD ME THAT I LOOKED THE WORLD WAS COMING TO AN END. OH, THERE IS THAT BRIGHT MOMMIE FACE AGAIN, I KNEW I HAD IT IN ME SOMEWHERE. SO, TOMORROW, I WILL BE AT THE HOSPICE AT 5;30 SHARP. HOW LONG? HOW I WISH FOR YEARS- BUT I FEAR THAT I HAVE ONLY DAYS. LOVE, NANASEE

I AM NOT ALONE

TODAY, I WAS TRYING TO GET BOBBIE JO INTO A HOSPICE FACILITY, AND IT SEEMED THAT WE WOULD HAVE TO GO WAY OUT ON THE KATY FREEWAY TO FIND ONE. HOUSTON HOSPICE IS RIGHT NEXT TO MD ANDERSON WHERE BOBBIE JO IS, BUT THERE IS A WAITING LIST. THERE ARE 6 PEOPLE WAITING TO GET IN, AND THAT IS PROBABLY MORE TIME THAN WE HAVE. THE ONE OUT ON KATY SAID THEY HAD SEVERAL ROOMS WITH THOSE WAITING TO PASS ON, BUT GIVE THEM A DAY AND THEY SHOULD CLEAR OUT. (HMMM, NOT THE ATTITUDE I WANT FOR MY GIRL). MY BROTHER KEN IS A CASE MANAGER AT CLEAR LAKE REGIONAL HOSPITAL, AND I ASKED HIM FOR HELP. OF COURSE HE CAME THROUGH WITH FLYING COLORS. HE WAS ABLE TO GET BOBBIE JO INTO A BEAUTIFUL FACILITY RIGHT HERE CLOSE TO HOME. SHE IS GOING IN WITH NO CHARGE- A MIRACLE IN ITSELF. AS I SAT THERE FILLING OUT A MOUNTAIN OF PAPERWORK, I FELT THE SPIRIT TELLING ME THAT I AM NOT ALONE, AND HEAVENLY FATHER KNOWS EXACTLY W HAT I AM GOING THROUGH. IT IS AS IF HE IS SAYING, "LITTLE DAUGHTER, THIS IS A TERRIBLE TIME FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. I WILL GUIDE YOU THROUGH IT AND MAKE THINGS AS EASY AS POSSIBLE. YOUR CHILD WILL HAVE THE BEST CARE, THAT IS A GIFT FROM ME. THERE IS MUCH FOR HER TO LEARN, AND WHILE SHE IS LEARNING, YOU ARE SUFFERING. I AM WITH YOU. I WILL SEND YOU WHAT YOU NEED. HAVE PEACE AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD." AND WHILE I AM CHOKING BACK THE TEARS, (ONCE I EVEN SLAPPED THE CRAP OUT OF MYSELF TO TAKE MY MIND OFF OF CRYING), AND TRYING TO TAKE MY MIND TO A BETTER PLACE- I REALIZE THE TIME IS SO VERY SHORT WHEN I WILL FULLY REALIZE THAT BOBBIE JO WILL NOT COME BUSTING IN THE BACK DOOR, OR TELLING ME "DON'T EAT THAT" OR "DON'T STRAIN YOUR VOICE"! SHE COULD BE SCREAMING ABOUT MY FEEDING BUSTER FROM THE TABLE ONE MINUTE A ND THE NEXT SAYING, "HERE, GIVE THIS TO BUSTER, BUT NOT FROM THE TABLE!" OTHER THINGS I HEARD ON A DAILY BASIS ARE, "DID YOU TAKE YOUR MEDS", I SWEAR, I HAVE TO REMIND YOU ABOUT EVERYTHING! MOM, BUY THE BIG BAG OF HALLOWEEN CANDY, YOU KNOW THERE ARE KIDS WHO COME BACK SEVERAL TIMES BECAUSE THEY KNOW YOU ARE A SUCKER FOR THEM! OR, "MOM, I HAVE TO BAKE COOKIES FOR THE BASEBALL TEAM, CAN I BORROW SOME THINGS? I JUST NEED SOME FLOUR, SUGAR, BUTTER, CHOCOLATE CHIPS AND WALNUTS. I HAVE THE EGGS AND VANILLA. OH, AND GIVE ME EXTRA, BECAUSE EACH OF THE BOYS HAVE BROTHERS AND SISTERS AND WE CAN'T LEAVE THEM OUT!" HOW ABOUT, "GOOD GRIEF WOMAN, IS THAT THE BIGGEST TURKEY YOU CAN FIND? WHAT- DO YOU THINK WE ARE JUST FEEDING OUR FAMILY? WHAT ABOUT THAT FAMILY DOWN THE STREET, YOU KNOW THEY DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY FOR THANKSGIVING. LOOK, JUST BUY ANOTHER TURKEY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, HEAVENLY FATHER WILL BLESS YOU FOR IT." AND ON AND ON IT WENT. SO MANY TIMES, SHE WOULD SAY, "MOM, I KNOW OF SOMEONE WHO IS HAVING A BABY. CAN YOU CROCHET A BLANKET FOR THEM? SOMEONE ELSE NEEDED GROCERIES, THE KIDS AT THE PARK IN JULY ARE HOT AND THIRSTY, ONE OF THEM SCRAPED THEIR KNEE, ON AND ON. SHE DID NOT HESITATE TO FIND A SOLUTION TO THESE PROBLEMS. SHE GAVE ME MANY OPPORTUNITES FOR SERVICE. WE WILL CERTAINLY MISS THOSE MINISTRATIONS- I KNOW THAT JARED HAS LEARNED TO BE COMPASSIONATE AND CARING BECAUSE OF HIS MOM. NOW, DON'T GET ME WRONG, SHE HAD HER MOMENTS. ONE TIME, WE HAD THE MISSIONARIES OVER FOR LUNCH AND DAD HAD MADE CHILI DOGS. ONE OF THE MISSIONARIES SAID, HIS NOSE WRINKLED UP. "HOT DOGS?! WE ARE HAVING HOT DOGS?!!" BOY, SHE WHIPPED AROUND AND SAID, "MY DADDY MADE THOSE HOT DOGS!!!!" SHE WAS LIKE A HOT DOG VALKERIE- AND I THOUGHT THAT POOR MISSIONARY WAS GOING TO PASS OUT. HE STAMMERED, "UH, I I LLOVE HOT DOGS! I WAS JUST EXPRESSING MY JOY BECAUSE WE ARE HAVING HOT DOGS!!!" "WELL, I HOPE SO, 'CAUSE MY DADDY MADE THOSE HOT DOGS!" EVERYONE JUST LAUGHED AND LAUGHED. EVERYONE EXCEPT THE POOR MISSIONARY, HE JUST MOPPED HIS HEAD WITH A PAPER TOWEL, LOOKED AT BOBBIE JO AND SAID, "GIVE ME TWO PLEASE". YES, SHE HAS HER MOMENTS. TOMORROW, I WILL GO WITH HER TO CHECK IN AT THE HOSPICE FACILITY. IT IS A LOVELY RED BRICK BUILDING WITH STAINED GLASS WINDOWS AND DOORS AND SO PEACEFUL INSIDE. THE STAFF WERE WONDERFUL. I HAVE EVERY CONFIDENCE THAT THIS IS THE BLESSING NEEDED TO MAKE HER PASSING PEACEFUL.
NOW, READERS, A THOUGHT HAS COME TO ME. I THINK THAT BOBBIE JO WANTED MORE THAN ANYTHING TO MAKE SURE THAT JAYBIRD WILL HAVE EVERYTHING HE WILL NEED. THIS IS NOT A PROBLEM, AS HIS DAD OWEN AND STEP-MOM MARIE LOVE HIM AND WILL PROVIDE WELL FOR HIM. DON'T FORGET ABOUT PAPA, NANA AND AUNT PEANUT, UNCLE ROBBY AND SISSYAND UNCLE AARON AND SARAH. HE WON'T NEED FOR MATERIAL THINGS, HOWEVER HE TALKS ALL THE TIME ABOUT ATTENDING THE UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS WHEN HE GROWS UP. I AM GOING TO TAKE THE BOBBIE JO MIRACLE FUND AND START A COLLEGE FUND FOR HIM. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO, THINK ABOUT INSTEAD OF FLOWERS, MAKING A DONATION TO THIS FUND FOR HIS FUTURE. ONLY IF YOU WANT TO, BUT IT WOULD GO A LONG WAY TO ALLOWING HIM TO ACHIEVE HIS DREAM. HE IS A WONDERFUL CHILD, AND WILL BE AN OUTSTANDING ADULT, WITH MUCH TO GIVE. THANKS FOR YOUR THOUGHTS ON THIS. LOVE, NANA