COMPANY, HAM AND COOKIES

TODAY, WE RECEIVED A LOVELY HAM FROM THE HANKS FAMILY, ALONG WITH SOME HOMEMADE BREAD, COOKIES AND CARROTS. KIMMY BROUGHT SOME CHOCOLATE PIE, AND DAVID MADE SOME WONDERFUL SHRIMP AND A STEAK. NOW NORMALLY, THIS WOULD BE SOME REALLY GOOD EATS, BUT AT THIS TIME, THEY ARE SO SPECIAL BECAUSE THEY ARE SEND WITH LOVE AND CONCERN. WE ARE VERY GRATEFUL FOR ALL THE LOVE AND PRAYERS WE RECEIVE DAILY. THE HAM REMINDS ME OF A VERY FUNNY STORY THAT HAPPENED MANY YEARS AGO. OUR NEIGHBOR DOWN THE STREET, (WE CALLED HER GRAM) INVITED US TO HER CHURCH REUNION, ALONG WITH A PICNIC AFTER THE SERVICE. MARTIN MADE A WONDERFUL HAM, COMPLETE WITH CHERRIES, PINEAPPLE AND SLICED THE WHOLE THING. MARTHA STEWART WOULD HAVE BEEN SO PROUD OF HIM. WE TOOK THE HAM TO THE CHURCH, WENT INTO THE KITCEN, AND I NOTICED THAT THERE WAS NO OTHER FOOD THERE. I SUPPOSED OTHERS WOULD BRING SOME LATER. WE WENT INTO THE SERVICE, AND THE CONGREGATION WAS DANCING AND PRAISING GOD. NOW WE ARE NOT USED TO THIS KIND OF WORSHIP, BUT WE SAT POLITELY WATCHING THEM. AARON SAID, "MAMA, WHERE IS GRAM?" I LOOKED AND COULD NOT FIND HER- AND THEN I REALIZED TO MY HORROR THAT SHE HAD TOLD ME THAT SHE HAD JOINED ANOTHER CONGREGATION. JIMENY CRICKET, I WAS IN THE WRONG CHURCH! I STOOD UP AND TOLD AARON TO GO AND GET THE HAM. HE SAID, "I AINT GETTING THAT HAM!" I SAID, "GET THE HAM NOW! WE ARE LEAVING!" OF COURSE, BY NOW THE MUSIC HAD STOPPED AND THERE I WAS SCREAMING ABOUT A HAM AND I WAS LEAVING- SO I POLITELY SAID, "PLEASE EXCUSE US, WE ARE AT THE WRONG CHURCH, AND WE ARE GOING TO LEAVE". I WALKED TO THE KITCHEN, GRABBED THE HAM, AND WE DASHED OUT THE BACK DOOR. I ALMOST MADE IT TO THE CAR, THE KIDS WERE IN THE CAR, BUT I STILL HAD THE HAM. THIS WOMAN RAN OUT THE SIDE OF THE CHURCH YELLING, "SISTER, SISTER, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE! THIS IS NO MISTAKE, GOD WANTS YOU HERE!" I TOLD HER I HAD TO GO TO ANOTHER CHURCH, AND SHE GRABBED THE HAM PLATTER, SAYING, "NO, NO, YOU MUST NOT GO! GOD WANTS YOU HERE!" I SAID, "LOOK HONEY, GOD DON'T WANT ME HERE AS BAD AS GRAM WANTS THIS HAM DOWN THE STREET!" I SNATCHED THE PLATTER OUT OF HER HANDS, THREW THE HAM IN THE CAR, GUNNED THE CAR OUT OF THE PARKING LOT AND THE LAST THING I SAW, WAS HER POOR DISSAPOINTED FACE- (I AM NOT SURE IF IT WAS BECAUSE I HAD THE HAM OR BECAUSE I HAD ESCAPED HER NET!) WELL, WE MADE IT TO THE RIGHT CHURCH JUST IN TIME FOR THE PICNIC. IT'S FUNNY HOW MEMORIES ARE TRIGGERED- ANYWAY, MORE TOMORROW, LOVE, NANASEE

A NEW DIRECTION

FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS, I WANT TO POST SOME MEMORIES THAT I THINK WILL EXPLAIN SOME OF THE VIEWS WE HAVE ABOUT BOBBIE JO. ONE IN PARTICULAR COMES TO MIND TODAY- SHE WAS BUT8 MONTHS OLD AND MARTIN, SISSY (3YO) BOBBIE JO AND I WERE GROCERY SHOPPING. NOW, ON THIS PARTICULAR DAY, I HAD GONE IN TO THE STORE BECAUSE THE POT ROASTS WERE ONLY .69 CENTS A POUND AND I WANTED TO STOCK UP. I AM NOT SURE WHAT PART OF THE COW THIS THRIFTY MEAT CAME FROM, BUT I CAN SIMMER ANYTHING UNTIL IT IS TENDER. IT TURNS OUT THAT THESE POT ROASTS HAD A BIG BONE IN THE MIDDLE OF THEM, BUT I WAS GAME TO GET SOME ANYWAY. BOBBIE JO WAS SITTING IN THE BABY SEAT OF THE BASKET, AND SISSY WAS CLIMBING ON THE CART. MARTIN KEPT SAYING OVER AND OVER, "STOP SISSY, YOU WILL PULL THE CART OVER AND HURT THE BABY!" I WAS INGROSSED IN CHOOSING ONE OF MANY POTROASTS, POKING AND PRODDING AND MEASURING THE BONE TO SEE WHICH OF THEM WOULD BE THE BEST BARGAIN. CHEAP MEAT AND I ARE A FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH! ANYWAY, OUT OF THE SIDE OF MY VERY ATTENTIVE MOTHER'S EYE, I SAW THAT INDEED SISSY HAD TIPPED THE CART AND BOBBIE JO WAS ON HER WAY TO THE FLOOR. I SCREAMED LIKE A BANSHEE, THREW UP MY HANDS, TRIED TO GRAB THE BABY AND MISSED. QUICK THINKING MARTIN SIMPLY PUT HIS FOOT UNDER BOBBIE JO'S HEAD JUST BEFORE SHE HIT THE FLOOR AND KEPT HER FROM SERIOUS INJURY. BY NOW, I AM BLOWING LIKE A BUFFALO, SISSY IS CRYING, BOBBIE JO IS SCREAMING AND MARTIN IS SWEATING BULLETS EVEN THOUGH HE SAVED HER. THE CART IS ON THE FLOOR, THE GROCERIES EVERYWHERE, PEOPLE RUNNING TO SEE WHAT HAPPENED, AND THE STORE MANAGER AS WELL. ALL I COULD DO IS STAND THERE AND CRY OVER AND OVER, "MY BABY! MY BABY!" SOBBING LOUDLY. MARTIN IS TRYING TO CALM JESSICA DOWN, AND THE MANAGER KEPT SAYING, "WHAT HAPPENED? IS ANYONE HURT? WHAT HAPPENED?" WELL, IT WAS SOON APPARENT THAT NO HARM WAS DONE, I BEGAN TO CALM DOWN, AND TRY TO CALM THE BABY, JESSICA IS STARTING TO SNICKER AND MARTIN HAS A STRICKEN LOOK ON HIS FACE THAT SORT OF LOOKED LIKE IT MEANT, "WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO?" JUST ABOUT THAT TIME, A MAN CAME AROUND THE END OF THE AISLE, WITH A BLOODY GASH ON HIS FOREHEAD. HE LOOKED SO CONFUSED, AND THE MANAGER SAID, "WELL, HELL, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?" THE POOR MAN BLINKED A COUPLE OF TIMES AND SAID, "I SWEAR, I WAS JUST REACHING FOR A LOAF OF BREAD, AND A HUGE ROAST SLAMMED INTO MY HEAD! JUST OUT OF NOWHERE! THERE WAS A BIG BONE IN IT AND IT CUT ME. I DON'T KNOW WHERE IT CAME FROM, JUST FLEW OVER THE TOP OF THE BREAD AND HIT ME!" NOW, READERS, I AM A PRETTY STRONG WOMAN, BUT THE BREAD AISLE WAS ABOUT3 AISLES OVER- SO THAT MEAT MUST REALLY HAVE SAILED! AT THE TIME, I DID NOT KNOW (OR CARE) WHERE IT HAD GONE- NOW, THE MAN HAD THE ROAST IN HIS HAND, AND IT WAS THE ONE I WAS GOING TO BUY, SO I JUST GRABBED OUT OF HIS HAND, TOLD HIM I WAS SORRY, GRABBED MY FAMILY AND WENT TO THE FRONT TO CHECK OUT. TO THIS DAY, EVERYTIME WE SEE A POT ROAST WITH A BONE IN IT, WE LAUGH ABOUT THIS INCIDENT. THERE ARE OTHER MEAT INCIDENTS IN MY LIFE, BUT THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST.
TODAY, BECKY, CHERYL (DAD'S SISTER) AND LIBBY CHRISTIAN AND I WENT TO THE FLOWER SELLERS AREA OF HOUSTON TO BUY THE FLOWERS TO MAKE BOUTENIERS (I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SPELL THAT) AND CORSAGES FOR THE FUNERAL. IT IS AMAZING HOW MUCH MONEY WAS SAVED DUE TO THE EFFORTS OF THESE SWEET LADIES AND THEIR TALENTS. THE FLOWERS ARE YELLOW ROSES. BOBBIE JO LOVES YELLOW ROSES, SO WE WERE FORTUNATE TO FIND SOME REALLY NICE ONES. THE FUNERAL WILL BE SO BEAUTIFUL I AM GRATEFUL FOR ALL THE EFFORT EVERYONE IS MAKING SO THAT I WILL HAVE TIME TO PREPARE MYSELF TO SAY GOODBYE TO MY GIRL. HER SPIRIT IS STRONG HERE, THIS MORNING, I WAS SAYING PRAYERS OVER BREAKFAST, AND RIGHT BEFORE THE AMEN, I SAID, "AND DON'T LET HER BOSS YOU AROUND!" SILENCE AT THE TABLE, AND THEN, A FEW CHUCKLED "AMENS". SHE WILL ALWAYS BE A PART OF MY LIFE AND SO MANY OTHERS. THE FUTURE SHOULD BE INTERESTING.

OH, THE FUNERAL WILL BE TUESDAY, MARCH 17 AT 12:30 PM. PRIOR TO THAT, THERE WILL BE A VISITATION FOR TWO HOURS. WE WILL THEN HAVE THE BURIAL. DINNER WILL BE SERVED AT THE SOUTH SHORE CHURCH ON SOUTH SHORE BLVD IN LEAGUE CITY. PLEASE CALL BECKY (8323854866) OR SISSY (281-222-9691) FOR THE ADDRESS. DINNER WILL BE AT 4:OO. WE ARE SETTING UP AND EDUCATION FUND FOR JARED, SO IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO DONATE TO THE FUND IN LIEU OF FLOWERS, THAT WOULD BE WONDERFUL. THANKS SO MUCH, TILL TOMORROW, NANASEE

A PEACEFUL HEART

I HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE GIFT OF A PEACEFUL HEART. ON THIS DAY, WHEN I SHOULD BE HYSTERICAL, DEADENED WITH REMORSE, FULL OF ANGER AND PAIN, I CAN ONLY FIND PEACE IN MY HEART. I HAVE TRIED TO FIND THE OTHER THINGS, AFTER ALL, WHAT GOOD MAMA WOULD NOT SPEND THE DAY,PROSTRATE WITH GRIEF? SHOULD'NT I BE BLAMING HEAVENLY FATHER FOR HER SUFFERING? WHY AM I NOT CRYING, "WHY ME? WHY TWO OF MY CHILDREN? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO BE PUNISHED LIKE THIS?" BUT OF COURSE, I CRY NONE OF THESE THINGS, BECAUSE, LOOKING IN EVERY CHAMBER OF MY HEART, I ONLY FIND PEACE. PEACE AND LOVE. SO MUCH LOVE. LOVE FOR MY HEAVENLY FATHER THAT MY GIRL SUFFERS NO MORE. LOVE, THAT EVEN WHEN SHE WAS AS BAD AS SHE COULD BE, SHE STILL MADE THE THUMBS UP SIGN WHEN ASKED HOW SHE WAS DOING. LOVE THAT SHE IS MY DAUGHTER AND A GIFT. PEACE THAT I KNOW OUR LIVES ARE ETERNAL. OUR FAMILY IS ETERNAL. OUR FRIENDSHIP IS ETERNAL. AFTER ALL, WE ARE FRIENDS. SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST IN LINE TO HELP ANYONE ELSE WHO WAS LOSING A DAUGHTER TO CANCER. WE HAD MANY DIFFICULT TIMES, DUE TO OUR INDEPENDENT NATURES, BOTH OF US STRONG MINDED AND OPININATED. WE KNOCKED HEADS ALL OF OUR LIVES, AND LIVES LIVES POLAR IN SOME INSTANCES TO WHAT EACH OTHER DESIRED. BEHIND MY BACK SHE PRAISED ME TO EVERYONE AS SOMEONE SHE COULD NOT LIVE WITHOUT. TO MY FACE, SHE DID NOT MIND EXPRESSING HER DISSAPOINTMENT IN SOME AREAS OF MY LIFESTYLE. SHE THOUGHT I CRITICIZED HER LIFE CHOICES. SHE WAS ANGRY WITH SOME OF THE IDEAS I HAD. I THOUGHT SHE WAS A JIMINEY CRICKET SOMETIMES. ON AND ON. BUT THE TRUTH OF IT IS, WE LOVED EACH OTHER. SHE WAS DYNAMITE, IWAS THE MATCH. AS LONG AS WE RESPECTED OUR SPACE, WE GOT ALONG. NEAR THE END OF HER LIFE, I COULD STRIKE THE MATCH, AND INSTEAD OF BLOWING UP ON EACH OTHER WE WERE ABLE TO BASK IN THE LIGHT. WE WERE ABLE TO PUT OUR PRIDE ASIDE AND SAY, "I LOVE YOU". SHE TAUGHT ME THE MEASURE OF HER TRUE SPIRIT. SHE IS, AFTER ALL, MY DAUGHTER, A PRODUCT OF DAD MARTIN AND I- AND I HAVE BEEN KNOWN AS "TOUGHER THAN A 10 CENT STEAK ON OCCASION. I DO HAVE A WHY THROUGHOUT THIS EXPERIENCE- WHY DID IT TAKE SO MUCH FOR ME TO SEE WHAT SHE WAS MADE OF? WAS THIS A GIFT FOR ME, TO SEE INSIDE MY DAUGHTER? STILL, I CANNOT FIND GRIEF OR ANGER- ONLY AMAZEMENT THAT I AM SO VERY HAPPY THAT SHE HAS FOUND HER WAY HOME. I PRAYED FOR AN END OF HER ILLNESS, I WOULD HAVE BEEN SO VERY HAPPY IF IT HAD BROUGHTG A COMPLETE HEALING, BUT SHE DID NOT HAVE THE HEALING, AT LEAST NO ON EARTHLY TERMS. SHE IS ALIVE, LOVELY, VIBRANT, AND HAPPY. I PRAY THAT THIS PEACE WILL STAY WITH ME. BUT IF IT DOESN'T, BEAR WITH ME IF I BEGAN TO GRIEVE IN PRINT. I KNOW THAT I HAVE SO MANY LOVING FRIENDS TO FALL BACK ON. IT HELPS ME SO MUCH. TOMORROW, I WILL TRY TO DESCRIBE HER LAST HOURS. THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL. IT IS AN EXPERIENCE THAT I WILL GROW EXPONETIALLY FROM. I AM ANXIOUS TO SHARE IT WITH YOU. TILL THEN, LOVE, NANASEE

OUR GIRL HAS FLOWN

DEAR READERS, OUR PRECIOUS GIRL HAS LEFT US. I AM TOTALLY AT PEACE, I AM SURPISED THAT I AM NOT HYSTERICAL, BUT I AM NOT. I AM SO GLAD FOR HER, SHE WAS IN SO MUCH PAIN. HER LITTLE SON, SLEPT IN HER ARMS AND HIS PAPA, (DAD MARTIN) WOKE HIM WHEN BOBBIE JO WAS GONE, I WAS NOT THERE, SO I DON'T HAVE MANY DETAILS, BUT WILL FILL YOU IN WHEN I CAN. I AM OFF TO THE HOSPICE TO BE WITH MY MARTIN, I THINK HE IS TAKING IT QUITE HARD. TILL LATER, LOVE, NANASEE

SWEATING IT

TODAY, I SPENT THE DAY AT HOSPICE, AND WAS IN A REAL JIMENY CRICKET MOOD ALL MORNING. I DON'T KNOW WHY, I JUST COULDN'T STAND ANYMORE OF A CROWD, ALTHOUGH THERE REALLY WASN'T ONE, JUST A FEW OF US WHO LOVE BOBBIE JO. LIBBIE CHRISTIAN TOOK ME TO LUNCH, AND YOU KNOW, FOOD ALWAYS PUTS ME IN A BETTER MOOD. BOBBIE JO TOOK A TURN FOR THE WORST, AND SHE BEGAN TO FAIL. HER OXYGEN SATS WERE FALLING AND BY THIS EVENING, WE GOT REALLY WORRIED. LATER THIS EVENING, IT WAS APPARENT THAT SHE WAS SOON TO LEAVE US, AND WE CALLED IN THE FAMILY. BECKY CAME, AND SAID HER GOODBYES, AND WE WERE CERTAIN THAT THAT WAS GOING TO BE IT. WE WATCHED BMARTIN SPEAK SOFTLY TO HER, AND WAITED FOR HER FINALLY PASS. THEN, HER DAD CAME IN AND WENT TO HER BEDSIDE, HE BROKE DOWN AND CRIED AND CRIED, IT WAS SO HEARTBREAKING. ALL OF A SUDDEN, HER HEART RATE PICKED UP AND WE KNEW SHE KNEW THAT HER DADDY WAS THERE. HER HEART RATE STAYED UP FOR SOME TIME AND BEGAN TO FLUCUATE. THEN, SOMEONE SAID THAT OWEN HAD BROUGHT JAYBIRD UP TO SAY GOODBYE TO HIS MOM. WE WERE KIND OF UPSET, BUT THAT LITTLE BOY CAME BUSTING IN THE ROOM, AND WOULD HAVE IT NO OTHER WAY. THAT WAS THE MOST HEART WRENCHING MOMENT OF MY LIFE- SEEING JARED CRY OVER HIS MAMA. I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO JUST PASS OUT WITH GRIEF. SHE DID NOT REALLY REACT,BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN, SHE OPENED HER GOOD EYE AND SAID, "HI BABY". AND THEN CLOSED HER EYE AND WAS OUT AGAIN. TO ME IT WAS A TRUE MIRACLE, AS SHE DID NOT KNOW ANYONE AT ALL, NO MATTER WHAT WE DID. WELL, GUESS WHAT? S HE IS STILL GOING! IT IS LATE TONIGHT AND I HAD TO GO HOME, I WAS SO TIRED, AND MY DEAR NEPHEW DAVID CAME IN FROM CALIFORNIA TO SPEND THE WEEK WITH US TO HELP WITH THE CONSTRUCTION ON THE HOUSE. AT THIS TIME, BOBBIE JO IS STILL ALIVE. HER HEARTRATE AND OXYGEN ARE VERY UNSTABLE- I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE NIGHT WILL BRING. I HAVE PEACE, I AM SO READY FOR HER TO GO AND BE FREE OF PAIN. SHE WILL BE SO LOVELY ONCE AGAIN, AND ONE OTHER THING SAID TONIGHT WILL ALWAYS STAY WITH ME- HER SISTER, JESSICA, WHO HAD LOST HER LITTLE BABY IN DECEMBER SAID TO HER, "BOBBIE JO, YOU GO AND BE A MAMA TO MY MATTHEW, AND I WILL BE A MAMA TO YOUR JARED." HOW PROFOUND. READERS, PRAY FOR MY FAMILY AT THIS DIFFICULT TIME. PRAY FOR US TO HAVE PEACE AT HER PASSING, PRAY FOR HER TO UNDERSTAND WHY SHE PASSED OVER WHEN THE TIME COMES, PRAY FOR HER LOVING FIANCE MARTIN TO UNDERSTAND WHY THEY MUST BE PARTED IN THIS WORLD, PRAY FOR ALL OF US THAT WE MAY UNDERSTAND HEAVENLY FATHER'S WILL. I LOVE YOU ALL, NANASEE

SPRING

IT IS EARLY, AND I HAVE NOT YET GONE TO THE HOSPICE. I AM SITTING HERE WITH THE DOOR OPEN CRACK AND CAN FEEL THE WEATHER OUTSIDE. IT REMINDS ME OF WHEN I WAS 16 AND WALKING TO SCHOOL- IT WAS A WALK OF ABOUT A MILE, AND I HAD LOTS OF TIME TO THINK. ON THAT PARTICULAR DAY, I WAS WONDERING ABOUT THE FUTURE- WHAT WOULD MY LIFE BE LIKE? HOW COULD I HAVE KNOWN WHAT A WONDERFUL FUTURE I WOULD HAVE? ABOUT A YEAR AFTER THIS PARTICULAR DAY, I MET MARTIN, (ON HIS BIRTHDAY) MARRIED HIM 3 MONTHS LATER, WATCHED HIM GO INTO THE ARMY (DURING VIETNAM) GIVE BIRTH TO JESSICA, FOLLOW MARTIN TO OKINAWA JAPAN, JOIN THE LDS (MORMON) CHURCH THERE, COME HOME A COUPLE OF YEARS LATER, AND GIVE BIRTH TO BOBBIE JO. THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO MY LIFE ESPECIALLY AFTER THAT, BUT THERE IS TIME FOR THE REST LATER. THE THOUGHT OCCURS TO ME, ON THIS CHILLY SPRING MORNING, THAT EVEN THOUGH THERE WERE SOME REALLY HARD TIMES DURING THAT TIME SPAN, I REALLY CANNOT FEEL THE SADNESS ENOUGH TO PUT THEM INTO WORDS. FUNNY THOUGH, I CAN STILL FEEL AND REMEMBER THE WONDERFUL HAPPY EVENTS CLEARLY. I PRAY THAT IT WILL BE LIKE THAT AFTER MY GIRL HAS PASSED. LET ME REMEMBER AND FEEL THE WONDERFUL HAPPY TIMES ASSOCIATED WITH HER, AND NOT THESE GUT WRENCHING FEELINGS OF THE HORRENDOUS EXPERIENCE OF HER ILLNESS. I THANK HEAVENLY FATHER FOR THE ABILITY TO REMEMBER AND EXPERIENCE JOY THROUGH PICTURES, MEMORIES AND OTHER PEOPLES VIEW OF WHAT HAPPENED TO EACH MEMORY. ONE THING STANDS OUT IN MY MIND RIGHT NOW, IS BOBBIE JO'S WHITE BLONDE HAIR WHEN SHE WAS LITTLE. I USED TO BRAID IT EACH DAY, AND BECAUSE IT WAS SO FINE, I HAD TO REALLY GET IT TIGHT. SHE USED TO COMPLAIN "MAMA, IF YOU PULL IT ANY TIGHTER, I AM GOING TO SEE EVERYTHING SIDEWAYS!" BUT SURE ENOUGH, WHEN SHE GOT HOME, IT WAS FLYING EVERYWHERE- JUST A MEMORY I GUESS. TILL TONIGHT, LOVE, NANA

TRUE LOVE

TODAY I WITNESSED SOMETHING THAT WILL BE FOREVER BRANDED IN MY MIND. BOBBIE JO IS SO WEAK NOW, THAT SHE IS UNABLE TO SUCK THROUGH A STRAW AND CANNOT SWALLOW WITHOUT ONE. HER PRECIOUS MARTIN BEGAN TO DRAW LIQUIDS THROUGH A STRAW AND THEN GENTLY PUT THE LIQUIDS IN HER MOUTH. HE DOES THIS WITHOUT END, EACH TIME SHE ASKS FOR A DRINK. IT IS THE SWEETEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. HE IS SO TENDER WITH HER. HE SITS NEXT TO HER FOR HOURS, AND WAKES HER UP WHEN HE CAN, JUST SO SHE CAN SEE THAT HE IS CLOSE. HE'LL SAY, "OPEN YOUR EYE AND LOOK AT SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU". THEN HE WILL TELL HER TO GIVE HIM A KISS, AND SHE WILL TRY TO PURSE HER LIPS. HE TOUCHES HER ARMS AND FACE, STROKING HER AND TELLING HER HE LOVES HER "MORE THAN THE SUN SHINES" OR "MORE THAN THE BIRDS SING". I AM SO SAD THAT THEY ARE BEING PARTED. I SPENT THE DAY, SITTING AND WATCHING HER SLEEP. I AM WORKING ON A LITTLE STITICHING WHILE IS SIT THERE, AND ONCE IN AWHILE SHE WILL LOOK AT ME AND SAY, "WHO IS THAT?" LOOKING AT THE FOOT OF THE BED. I ASK, "WHERE SWEETIE?" SHE WILL SAY, "THERE" POINTING AT THE FOOT OF THE BED. SHE SAYS THERE IS A MAN STANDING THERE. SOMETIMES SHE SAYS IT IS JESUS- THERE IS A PICTURE OF JESUS ON THE WALL ACROSS THE FOOT OF HER BED, PERHAPS THAT IS WHAT SHE IS TALKING ABOUT. I DON'T KNOW WHO THE OTHER PERSON IS, PERHAPS IT IS HER BROTHER OTTO. THEY HAVE INCREASED HER MORPHINE TO 30 MGS NOW, AND I THINK SHE WILL BE PRETTY MUCH OUT OF IT FROM NOW ON. I WILL SPEND AS MUCH TIME AS POSSIBLE WITH HER NOW, EVEN THOUGH I HAVE THIS COLD. I DON'T WANT TO BE GONE IF SHE ASKS FOR ME. I HAD A FUNNY MEMORY TODAY OF BOBBIE JO, I GUESS IT IS BECAUSE I WAS LOOKING AT AN AQUARIUM- WHEN SHE WAS ABOUT 18 MONTHS OLD, WE HAD A SMALL AQUARIUM THAT I KEPT ON A LOW TABLE. I HEARD HER LAUGHING AND GIGGLING, AND WENT IN TO FIND HER SITTING IN THE AQUARIUM IN HER DIAPER. I TOOK HER OUT, SET HER ON A TOWEL AND CLEANED UP THE WATER SHE HAD SPLASHED ON THE FLOOR. SHE JUST KEPT GIGGLING AND SQUEALING, AND I THOUGHT, "SHE MUST REALLY HAVE HAD A GOOD TIME IN THE AQUARIUM". AFTER I CLEANED UP THE MESS, I FINALLY PICKED HER UP AND TOOK HER TO THE ROOM, SOAKING DIAPER AND ALL. I SET HER IN THE TUB, (I USED CLOTH DIAPERS THEN) AND UNPINNED THE DIAPER. GUESS WHAT! THERE WAS A GOLDFISH WIGGLING AWAY IN HER DIAPER! NO WONDER SHE WAS SO TICKLED! I AM CRYING AS I WRITE THIS. I AM TIRED, WORRIED, SAD AND FRUSTRATED. THE CAT JUST KNOCKED OVER A GLASS OF WATER AND A JUNE BUG JUST FLEW INTO MY FACE. TODAY, WHEN I GOT HOME, BUSTER, WHO HAS NEVER EVER WET IN THE HOUSE, JUST PEED A GALLON ON MY CARPET RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. MARTIN IS GETTING IMPATIENT WITH ME, (DAD MARTIN) BUT HE DOESNT MEAN TO. HE MISSES MY HOME COOKING. I TOO, AM SICK OF EATING OUT. MY NOSE IS RUNNING AND MY THROAT HURTS, ALONG WITH A POUNDING HEADACHE. BOY IS AM SUCH A BABY, WHINING ABOUT LITTE STUFF LIKE THIS, WHEN BOBBIE JO CAN'T WHINE AT ALL. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT MY LIFE WILL BE LIKE AFTER THIS IS ALL OVER. I CAN'T IMAGINE JUST BEING NANA AGAIN. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO SHE IS RIGHT NOW. SNIFF, SNIFF- LET ME GET OVER THIS PITY PARTY- THERE IS TOO MUCH TO DO TO FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF. IT WILL BE ALRIGHT, I KNOW IT WILL. TILL TOMORROW, LOVE, NANASEE